title from "innocence" by the airborne toxic event
you aren't quite sure how long you've been staring at the horizon
a second a minute an hour maybe (forever)
wishing
wanting
(waiting for her to come home)
she won't maybe she has to she will won't she
who can tell anymore
you just keep staring and waiting and she's probably just hundreds&hundreds&hundreds of miles away by now
AWAY/FROM/you
ticktockticktock
and your heart is just screaming and you can't breathe and you just want to know
why
why is she leaving
(why is she gone)
why is she still everywhere and you just want her back
that's all
and you can't even fill your lungs without the pain of knowing
you lost her today
and you just want her to come back home
you want to see her when your eyes are open (not just every time they're closed)
you want all those moments you missed and you want her to stop hiding
but she's always just been this infinite ambiguity to you
did she ever even trust you
you know she still does
doesn't she
(didn't she)
now you just can't help but to think otherwise and there's just SOMUCHTHINKING and you should be finding her instead of second guessing yourself into oblivion
you'll find her instead
maybe when everything isn't so completely empty
(ticktockticktockticktock)
sometimes (you think) she doesn't let herself feel anything at all
and sometimes it's too much
she's just scared
she just needs a few days and she'll be okay right
right
maybe she'll listen to you when you find her
(if you find her)
she never listens
maybe she just doesn't care
maybe (she NEVER did)
you just can't care
N/O/T/A/N/Y/M/O/R/E
maybe you can talk her back home
maybe
but you didn't see the signs
and now you can just hear artie (you didn't see them because they weren't there to see)
weren't they always though
and leena's eyes are disappointed more every time you meet them
you're fine
not happy
(miserable really)
you'll be fine
you'll forget all about this
all about her eventually
and everything will settle into patterns and ignore the empty places she used to fill just by being there and you're just fine
no reason to worry the others if everything is normal (but what is normal)
you should just go check on claudia
(you can hear her muffled sobs behind her bedroom door that's been locked for hours&days&weeks now)
she's so distraught
and something's so wrong
you never could've seen this coming and you're not as okay as you come off to be
(not okay at all)
NOTATALL
something's so wrong
and you've never been any good at lying to yourself
so you're runningrunningrunning until your chest is burning and your heart is racing and you can't stop (won't stop) chasing until she stops running away
you're just not letting her go
you won't
"you're pretty when you smile"
you can't
and there's nothing much left anymore but shattered pieces of the barriers you broke down
careful now
don't let her find out
she'll only start over again (&again&again&again)
only now you realize it never really mattered anyway
(she built them up so easily you couldn't even tell until you ran face-first into one)
and maybe it's all your fault and it hurts and will you ever be able to fix it
is there anything else you could ever want
you just want your partner back
you just want her to understand she's safe here
she will always be safe here
but right now
down is up and up is down
and maybe she knew it would be like this when she decided to go because the other side of the looking glass is so empty now
she must have taken wonderland with her
you just can't stop chasing that rabbit
this could easily be the worst mistake of your life
so you're already running
(but really you're just standing still)
no matter how far you go she'll always be just one step ahead
just one step out of reach
and she's disappearing into the horizon and you just can't stop and you think you might never think of anything else ever again
(why didn't you tell her how absolutely AMAZING she is when you had the chance)
she's just everywhere and you don't think it's healthy but you miss her too much and why would you ever want her gone
she's so beautiful
you never told her that
or maybe she just wasn't listening
she never listens
(maybe that's why she left – you've always been such a waste of space)
you're such a horrible partner
such a horrible best friend
(just a best friend)
she deserves so much better and maybe that's why she's leaving
because you were never enough (and you never would be and how could you ever consider ruining this when you could never ever deserve her)
and everything is just so empty and full of nothingness and that's how everything feels now without her
like nothingness
and you haven't slept for days now
(not that you would ever tell anyone but leena's watching you from the corner of her eye and artie knows everything anyway and claudia hasn't left her room because everything out here is just so empty and she's just so tired)
and she's never going to see quite how much all of you need her
how much you need her
but she never needed you and that's the important part isn't it
because she's the one who's leaving and it's all her fault
(but it's not)
it's all your fault
she's never going to see anything
claudia will be growing up and artie will be getting older than time and she won't be seeing any of it
and it's all your fault
please forgive me
she never had anything to be sorry for and it just makes you furious that she's out there alone and she doesn't have to be and it's not fair
Y/O/U D/I/E/D
she begged for you to stay
"don't leave pete don't leave"
youcameback
and then she left
maybe the shock hasn't quite worn off yet
(and maybe once your hands stop shaking you'll be able to pick up the pieces without breaking them)
you just
you can't understand
she trusted you and you trusted her
until she STOPPED
and you really just don't understand how things ended up so backwards
claudia is crying and leena can't look you in the eye and you're supposed to be the strong one (but she was so strong) not the other way around
but you can't
you can't even take a full breath without keeling over and you can't help them and you just hated seeing her cry
(she's so beautiful when she smiles)
and now she left and your baby sister can't stop C*R*Y*I*N*G
(but then again neither can you)
and you're still staring at that horizon
watching her leave
again&again&again
and it never stops
and it never will
because it's over now
(she's gone).