Stay with Me... I Can't...
By: Shin Sankai
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Author's Notes: Just a slight expansion on the doomed breakup of Malec... What if someone found Magnus before he wandered alone and met his father on the cold streets of NYC... Not a long story or anything, just a slight change since I've fallen in love with the relationship between the two I'm about to focus on, with Alec looking on from outside. Its a short, sad and bitter-sweet tale.
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Stay with me...
I can't...
Turning away from Magnus was one of the hardest things Alec had to do. And to do so without even being able to advise the warlock as to why, that cut so damn deep Alec wasn't sure he'd ever be able to recover from this heartbreak or the heartbreak he caused the one he loved the most.
There would be no more of that spark, even if lately it had died out of Magnus, but more so, above all else, there would be no more Magnus beside him. When he woke tomorrow morning, Magnus would not be at his side. He won't be there to support him, encourage him and make him the most important person to someone – that being Magnus – and that being Alec never thought he would be to anyone. And most devastatingly, if he could even add to the long and endless list he was currently creating in his head, there would be no more unconditional love. He'd broken their bond, to try and put back what should never have been sacrificed from the beginning.
What a fool he'd been...
Magnus' pleading words to stay with him, to be the only one who, for better or worse, would remain at his side, remain his support, his life line... Alec had cut it. And cut it so glaringly deep that he was certain there was no way for it to repair itself. Even with the possibility of time, once Magnus rekindled with his magic, Alec still doubted the warlock would even give him the time of day to try and explain the choice he had made... After all, he'd made that choice without even giving Magnus an option.
Tell me Jace isn't worth it...
Oh how those words haunted him. And probably would for the rest of his life. Jace was important to him, he was his parabatai, but he'd not for a single moment given Magnus another choice. And he'd have to live with this one, for the rest of his life...
When Alec let go of Magnus' hand, he let go of that warmth which had constantly filled him with so much love, and that one agonising choice, to break the tender touch from Magnus had now turned his heart cold, and in all seriousness, Alec knew he deserved it. He had proclaimed he couldn't live without Magnus, he had confessed countless times how much he loved him and yet here he was...walking out of Magnus' life, not allowing Magnus the option to choose.
The tiny chime of the bell, as cheery as it sounded was pretty much a doomsday bell in Alec's life now. He stepped through that door, leaving the emotional wreck which was his precious warlock to try and make sense of this sudden break up, of this devastating abandonment.
Don't look back. Alec repeated over and over like a damn mantra in his head as he finally made it past the large windows of his mother's store and then rounded the corner, knees becoming weak, he nearly buckling to the ground in seconds flat, but his quick shadowhunter reflexes had his hands splayed against the brick wall, he shifting to now slouch against said wall in order to keep him on his own two feet.
Alec leaned heavily there, gasping in much needed air, for if he didn't, he was sure he was about to hyperventilate and possibly even have a panic attack. Quickly he cast his face to the sky, blinking rapidly to try and halt the thousand and one tears which threatened to fall from his crystal blue eyes. The bitter chill in the air practically burned his lungs as the tiny pitter-patter of raindrops began to fall against his flushed skin.
Not merely a minute or so since he'd sacrificed the only relationship he would ever be in, the only love he would ever experience in his life, did Alec jolt on the spot, a sudden echo of a smashing sound coming from within his mother's shop.
Alec just couldn't help himself, he snapped to attention, the shadowhunter soldier within him darting around the corner, gazing inside the shop, through the large window to see Magnus collapsed on the ground. His eyes blazed about the floor, looking upon a multitude of mirror shards which were smashed all around Magnus. Like the warlock could not bare to look at himself anymore.
Alec's heart began to rip apart in his chest as he stood frozen outside, unable to do anything but watch the fallen and shaking Magnus as he clutched at his breaking heart. The young shadowhunter felt his mouth go dry, eyes blazing, a thousand and one emotions rushing across his face in seconds flat, and for a single moment he thinks, Asmodeus be damned, he needs to get back in there and repair the damage he's just caused!
However, it is not possible, the fleeting moment has passed, and Alec has missed his chance and another has taken his place. After all, it hadn't taken long for that person to appear, obviously alerted by the smashing of the large mirror and the very woman was no stranger to Alec either. For there his mother was, worry, shock and surprise written all over her face and she was by the fallen warlocks side in seconds flat
My how the times have changed... Alec thought with a bitter smile on his lips. The change that his mother underwent, to accept he and Magnus together, he'd never be able to thank her enough for accepting whom he loved and in turn, who loved him. Though he'd completely destroyed that.
Though, in truth, what had really brought Alec closer to his mother, was her unbridled and open affection that she showed for Magnus, not at all ashamed that she loved a centuries old warlock, like he were part of the family, like he were another son to her. And that was something Magnus had not had in a very long time: the concept of a family and the love of a mother.
Alec still stood by the window, rooted to his spot as he watched his mother kick shards of glass away, kneeling in front of the fallen Magnus, her warm comforting hands lifting and cradling Magnus' injured ones. Those beautiful hands, which he could no longer hold onto, were now cut and bloody and there was nothing Magnus could do to heal them. Not yet...
And right then, the motherly instinct in Maryse burned bright as she desperately asked Magnus over and over again what had happened. Alec watched on as his mother began to scramble about for her phone, he being able to read her lips as she wanted to call him. His mother wanted to call him, to alert him that something terrible had happened to Magnus and he needed to come down to her shop right away and help his boyfriend. Of course she had no idea that he was the cause of said boyfriends...no...ex-boyfriends destruction.
Again Alec watches his mother falter as Magnus shouts no and profusely shakes his head in desperation. Of course his mother is conflicted now. She loves her son, she wants him to know when something is clearly wrong with the warlock he loves so much. But Alec knows, his mother also loves Magnus, and she wants to respect his desperate wishes not to call him. So he watches on as his mother makes one of the hardest decision a mother has to make, choosing one of her boys over the other and Alec observes as she carefully placed down her phone and sits on the floorboards, right in front of the damaged and utterly defeated warlock.
Maryse's hand is on Magnus' back, rubbing gentle comforting circles there. Because whilst she probably wouldn't know what to do in trying to console a shattered centuries old warlock, and she still had no understanding as to what had happened to Magnus, what Maryse does know, is being a mother. Being there for her children... Well..sort of... Maryse wasn't that great at it, especially when she was still part of the Shadow World, but now that that part of her life was over, she was hoping beyond all hope that she could learn from her own mistakes and become more of a mother to her children (and her children's significant other) now more then anything.
So, picking up on her motherly instinct, there was one thing Maryse could do, and that was to just be there, her warm comforting and very experienced hand having now moved to glide gently through Magnus' hair.
It is then Alec clenches the material of his shirt, right over his heart as he is witness to seeing a profile shot of his now ex-boyfriends tear streaked face, those pained eyes, pain he had never wanted to cause Magnus, finally lift up to the only person who seemed to be there for him at this very terrible moment in his life.
Oh how the experienced shadowhunter wished he couldn't read the man's lips at this moment, as Magnus' blurry eyes sort out Maryse's gentle and still very worried gaze. Alec gulped down the lump in his throat, not even registering the tear that cascaded down his own cheek...
Alec doesn't love me. He broke up with me. He doesn't want me in his life anymore.
Oh how Alec wants to run in there, to tell Magnus that this breakup was all a lie.
He loved him with his whole heart, his whole being and he wanted the real Magnus back, the Magnus with the spark that he fell in love with. The Magnus who stole all of him, no matter how much Alec tried to fight it in the beginning. Alec hated this imitation of Magnus. This Magnus who was trying to hide everything from him, but really, he should have been smarter and known his boyfriend more and not accepted the "I'm fine" remarks over and over again. With everything they had been through, Alec should have known better.
Magnus who constantly sacrificed everything and anything for Alec, who was so lost without his magic and immortality which were life lines to him, though how else could Alec go about giving them back to him? He wanted desperately for Magnus to become whole again, and Asmodeus had been his only option hadn't it?
Alec, in all his naiveness had thought he was enough, but when one was dealing with a centuries old warlock, who only had his magic and immortality to keep him going through his long life, loosing precious friends and loved ones over and over again, constantly being alone, to watch them slip through his fingers or pass away where he couldn't follow, Alec suddenly began to hate himself more and more for thinking a mortal Magnus meant happiness to him...and happiness to Magnus himself. How ignorant he had been to believe anything he said would make Magnus feel better. Magnus was just not Magnus without what made him feel alive in the world. Of course he knew Magnus loved him too, there was never any doubt there, but magic connected Magnus to everything, made him whole and because of that, Alec needed to fix it. Alec had to right this wrong. No one else was coming forward to sacrifice for Magnus like how he constantly sacrificed for them. And as much as his heart ripped apart, much like the warlocks, he had to keep his deal with the Asmodeus. How bitter it was, the Prince of Hell had literally placed him in hell.
Blue eyes continued to focus on the scene before him, Alec watching on as his mother drew Magnus into her arms, his own breath hitching in his throat as Magnus slumped in defeat even more, pain more annihilating then anything the warlock had ever felt before as it continuously ripped through his current mortal body. Those very arms, which Alec had woken protectively up within, those arms which he'd never be able to wake up within again, wrapped tightly around his mother.
He didn't know how long he'd stood at the window for, watching the scene unfold before his very eyes, but maybe his pain was so strong that it radiated through the glass as Alec jolted on the spot, he not bring prepared for when a pair of fierce blue eyes, the very same eyes as his, but much older and wiser darted up, locking onto his freaked out stare.
The shadowhunter had seen many looks on his mother's face over the years, and truthfully, who would of thought that Maryse Lightwood would show such love, sympathy and protection towards a downworlder, but that is what she was currently doing right this moment, Alec watching her arms tighten around the distraught warlock and her eyes flamed in anger and disappointment at him, for she finally knew now why the warlock was ripped to pieces, a blithering mess on the floor of her shop, hands still cut and bleeding. Her own son had been the cause of such tremendous pain.
It was then Alec watched as her lips parted and fear and terror, things very rare to Alec, gripped him in an instant, pulsating through his head and heart like a lightning bolt. Was she going to out him to Magnus? Not that he was certain the sobbing warlock would have paid attention due to his current state, but then he never did give his mother the chance as Alec took a step back, nearly falling off the porch and then swiftly turned away, running blindly off and into the night.
The harsh cold rain splashed against his flushed and tear streaked face as Alec needed so very desperately to get far, far away from here.
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End