"I could make you satisfied in everything you do.

All your secret wishes could right now be coming true.

Spend forever with my poison arms 'round you.

No one's gonna fool around with us,

No one's gonna fool around with us.

So glad to meet you, Angeles."

He had spent so long running towards the bright, shining hope that was a normal life and all that came with it.

Safety. Freedom. A future.

But it had always been there in the back of his mind- calling out to him.

A darkness. Power. An abnormality that hurt his head to even think about.

An emptiness that refused to leave him.

Then he met Jessica.

Beautiful, kind, Jessica.

And for the first time in his entire, lonely life... Sam Winchester felt like he was whole.

Then he was dragged back into the family business.

He tried to leave Dean and the mystery of their dad's whereabouts behind him as soon as he could and was rewarded with Jessica's death.

He couldn't escape.

Never go home.

And he was once again left with the aching pain of the unknown emptiness that refused to leave him.

A wound even Dean- bigbrotherprotectorsavior- couldn't heal.

It festered and burned, soothed by the lullaby of Ruby's lips on his forehead as he swallowed the blood dripping from her wrist.

Reopened white-hot when she died, tearing him apart at the disgusted look on Dean's face, Ruby's betrayal destroying his heart.

Alone, so alone.

I loved her, trusted her, she-we were gonna make it better-

Please Dean, did this for you, gotta save you, my fault you were in hell, sorry, sorry, so sorry, all my fault, always my fault-

Until...

"Sam. My heart breaks for you. The weight on your shoulders. What you've done. What you still have to do." Sympathy rang in Lucifer's eyes as Sam bit his lip, pain shooting through him.

"It's more than anyone could bear."

Had been for so long- Sam Winchester: synonymous with failure, freak, blood-sucking monster, let-down, good-for-nothing, pain-in-the-ass-little-brother-

"If there was some other way..." Lucifer- the freaking devil- looked guilty in the moment. He looked like he regretted what he was putting Sam through.

Can't be, no one ever cares that much, don't understand, drank the blood to save you Dean. Always looking after me, please let me save you too-

"But there isn't. I will never lie to you. I will never trick you. But you will say yes to me." He sounded so sure of himself. Why is he so sure?

"You're wrong." He trembled. This had to be some mistake- of course it's not, devil's vessel, who else would it be Sam? Dad always said I'd either have to save you or kill you- done trying to save you- You're not you anymore-

"I'm not. I think I know you better that you know yourself." Agony and understanding in Lucifer's eyes- he knows the betrayalpainagony of losing a beloved older brother.

"Why me?" His voice broke and Lucifer's eyes gentled, his voice soft as he told him, "Because it had to be you, Sam. It always had to be you."

Always had to be you.

Lucifer was gone, but the words surrounded and smothered him.

Always had to be you.

Ruby was right. Everything he had done-

It always had to be you.

Was Dean right?

There's no going back.

Had it all just been leading to this?

"Well?" his eyes were tired, his vessel falling apart.

Sam tilted his head up, demon blood pumping in his veins, can save Dean, stop this whole thing- maybe- maybe- and said firmly, "Yes."

And for the first time since Jessica's death, Sam Winchester felt... whole.

Why had he fought so hard to avoid this, when it felt so...

Can't open the portal, can't send him away, feels so right. No longer empty, better than even Jess. Whole, emptiness gone- please don't leave me-

"We were created for each other, Sam. My true vessel. Anything, Sam. Let me give you everything."

Lucifer was breaking Dean's neck. The relief in his brother's eyes at finally being allowed to die.

Saved you, Dean. See? Death's not so bad, you won't get the virus, don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders anymore.

Cas, Mom, Dad, Bobby, Ellen, Jo- they're waiting for you in Heaven, Dean.

Did this to save you, Dean.

You don't have to suffer anymore.

Dean stood before him- them- five years too young, eyes wide and scared.

"You better kill me now. Or I swear I will find a way to kill you. And I won't stop."

"I know you won't." Lucifer stepped closer, Sam pleading in his head, "Please. Not him. Not yet." The first thing he had ever asked of Lucifer, ever begged for. "Don't kill him. Please."

"I know you won't say 'yes' to Michael either. And I know you won't kill Sam. Whatever you do... whatever choices you make... whatever details you alter..."

He paused, listened to Sam, and finished softly, "We will always end up...here. I win. So, I win."

Sam sobbed in his mind as Dean's voice broke, "You're wrong."

"Please," Sam cried. "Not him. Not yet. Please!"

He turned Sam's body away then, silencing his heartbreaking cries and smiling at his whispered, "Thank you, Lucifer. Thank you. Not him. Not yet. Big brother, so sorry, did this to save you. Not him. Not yet. Thank you. Thank you."

"For you, Sam? Anything. I promise. Everything." He raised a dismissive hand to Dean. "See you in five years, Dean."

Random ficlet based off of my headcanon that Sam would think death and a heaven filled with their loved ones would be the best for Dean and that's why he didn't fight Lucifer when he killed 2014!Dean. (But he would fight like hell to protect a younger version of his big brother.)

It's suppose to seem a little disjointed- sorry if there's any confusion. Lyrics are from 'Angeles' by Steve Carlson (feat. Jensen Ackles).

Let me know what you thought!