The Truth
He looks ill again. Lily thought to herself when she caught sight of Remus early one Wednesday morning. It was just the two of them in the common room, him with his back to her and shuffling through a sheaf of parchment at a table near the fire.
"Should I kick Donal Briers for you?" she asked, joining him at the table and dropping neatly into the armchair opposite his.
Remus frowned, confused. "Huh?"
"Donal. He was coughing and sneezing all through Charms yesterday, and now you look like you're coming down with something. Again."
Remus tilted his head and smiled. "It's nothing. Just a sniffle." He said, sniffling a little as if to prove his point. "I'm alright."
Eyebrows raised dubiously Lily stretched across the small table and gently pressed the back of her fingers to his forehead.
"Feels like a bit of a temperature, to me." She said.
Remus nodded, with another soft smile and sniffle but a twinkle in his blue eyes. Taking both of her hand in his across the table he said, "I'm fine, Lily. Really."
"You should see Madame Pomf...
"Lily. I'm alright. Honestly." He cut her off, then sighed as if regretting his sharpness. "Now..." he added, closing the subject. "Prefect's meeting?" He offered her an arm to escort her through the portrait hole, and engaged her in conversation which was certainly not about his health.
Despite his implied embargo on the subject, Lily couldn't help watching Remus carefully during the day. She noticed him pinch the bridge of his nose in the meeting, and close his eyes for a moment too long in Transfiguration. She watched surreptitiously excuse himself early at the lunch table and leave unaccompanied.
Good. She thought. He's going to the Hospital Wing. And finished her sandwich contentedly. She had every intention of finishing her Charms essay during her post-lunch free period and dutifully headed up to the library. Her concentration once there quickly waned, the essay was practically finished and not due for a week therefore lacking the pressure to finish it now. Giving up the library, and her concentration, as a bad job she packed up and headed back to Gryffindor. She'd probably have the common room to herself, most of the the other 5th years had Divination or Muggle Studies at this time, including, she thought with relish, Potter and Black.
The common room was not as deserted as anticipated. Although blissfully Potter and Black free, the squashiest sofa near to the fire bore the sleeping form of Remus Lupin, an Ancient Runes text book tented open over his chest.
Carefully, trying not to wake him she plucked the book off his chest and marked his place with the half-finished homework he'd left on the table. But as she draped the blanket from the back of the sofa over him he stirred and woke, blinking rapidly for a confused moment.
"Sorry," Lily whispered, biting her lip. "I didn't mean to wake you..."
Remus shook his head, glancing at the clock. "No, it's fine. We have Herbology in 10 minutes. I'd have slept straight through it." He sighed heavily, and ran a hand over his face then through his hair trying to wake up.
"Well that was my plan. You look like you need the sleep. I thought you'd gone to the Hospital Wing after lunch."
He shook his head again, and moved to sit up.
"Don't get up on my account." She said, and gave him a gentle prod back onto the cushions, and perched herself on the edge of sofa so he didn't have much choice but to stay put. "Feels like you're burning up." She said, gently feeling his forehead again. "You need to go to the Hospital Wing, not Herbology."
"If my headache doesn't get any better, I'll go. Stop worrying, I'm alright."
"It just doesn't seem fair." Lily said after a long pause.
"What doesn't?"
"You being ill all the time."
"It's not all the time..." He blushed and looked away.
"Often enough. You always look so tired, and thin. I worry."
"You shouldn't. I look worse than I feel, most of the time." He caught her eye now, deep blue eyes a little stunned to see the moistness at the corners of her green ones. "Please don't worry about me."
"Can't help it." She said quickly, trying to hide the choked quality of her voice. She smiled ruefully, "You always have that look about you."
Remus raised a quizzical eyebrow.
"Like you need a hug..." Lily said, relieved to find the lump in her throat had thankfully dissolved. Damn hormones.
Remus smiled. "Well, I do. I never say no to a hug." He opened his arms and pulled her down for a hug. She rested her head on his jumpered, but still uncomfortably bony, chest, and sighed.
Remus occupied a sort of strange and unique place in the dynamic of Gryffindor House, and in the school in general she supposed. He was popular not just by stint of (or despite) being friends with Black and Potter but because he was so endearing nice and unfailingly patient. He didn't really realise it however, he just sort of blushed and modestly shrugged off attention he received, even from girls. He was at once an authority figure, as Prefect, and one of the infamous 'Marauders'. Lily suspected that the reason he was so awful at curbing his friend's ceaselessly pranking was because half of the ideas he'd masterminded himself. Surely, one would need the attention span and cool intellect that Remus possessed and Black and Potter emphatically did not to pull off some of the more elaborate and subtle pranks. He might have been terrible at disciplining his friends but Lily wouldn't and couldn't have asked for a better Prefecting partner. Remus was wonderful with the lower years and for all his awkwardness with girls his own age, he was often to be found in the first few weeks of term capably and skilfully consoling home-sick first years and the like, or tutoring particularly dense students. One of Lily's friends fancied Remus and had commented that he smelt lovely. Lily hadn't understood at the time, but now she noticed the slightly spicy, warm scent about him, a bit like tea, and a bit like Christmas. Unlike Black, who reeked of Muggle aftershave and Potter who had a vaguely chemical smell to him from continually polishing either his broom, or trophies in detention, it was rather pleasant.
Oh god. I'm thinking about his smell. She sat up in sudden realisation of horrifying fact, she had a crush on Remus Lupin. One of her best friends. Merlin's hairy underpants...that's not good.
"What's wrong?" he asked as her weight suddenly lifted from his chest.
Lily's heart hammered as her brain tried to quash any hint of hormonal emotion. "Oh, erm...nothing. We just better get moving. Are you sure you're up to Herbology?" she asked, with a severly critical look she usually reserved for troublesome students.
Remus sat up and grinned, disarming her instantly. "Yup. I'll be fine. Will you rescue me, though, if I come over faint and get eaten by the Venomous Tentacular?"
She laughed."Ha. Maybe. I wouldn't want to deny Professor Sprout's tentacular a decent meal." She put out a hand to pull Remus to his feet.
"I'm not sure I qualify as a decent meal...whoa..." he replied, standing shakily and stumbling slightly. "I'm fine," he added, at the look she shot at him.
"If you pass out on me in the corridor..."
"Yeah, yeah. I know. One way ticket to the Hospital Wing."
Remus didn't pass out as they walked down to the greenhouses, though he was terribly pale and the arm he offered her may have been more for his benefit than her own. Black, Potter and Peter were already waiting, unusually quiet and respectful as they waited for Professor Sprout.
"Remus! Excellent." James exclaimed. "We thought you might have been eater by an Ancient Runes textbook or some such thing."
Remus shook his head, grinning, "I fell asleep," he said. "Evans here rescued me from the soporific dangers of the common room fire."
"Ah, yes. Most fearsome." Said Sirius nodding solemnly. "Excellent work, Evans, well played." He shook her hand firmly.
"Thanks ever so," Lily replied suspiciously. "Do try not to get eaten by the tentacular," she added to Remus, stretched up onto her tiptoes and gave him a quick peck on the cheek and departed to the relative sanity of the girls she usually worked with.
As she walked away she heard James' somewhat thunderstruck voice exclaim, "Mooney! You old dog. How do you manage to get kisses off Evans when all I get is a swift curse to the arse for my troubles?"
"Because, James, you, unlike me, are a berk."
Lily very almost laughed out loud. Nice one, Remus.
Remus still appeared at dinner later that evening, pasty but evidently ravenous as a multitude of sausages disappeared inside him. Clearly he hadn't seen fit to take her earlier advice.
Sirius Black sat next to her, remarkably unobnoxious, devouring lamb chops with gusto. She leaned over to him. "Look, erm, Sirius." She said quietly. "Keep an eye on Remus, would you? He's really not looking well and I...well, I've already told him to go to Pomfrey but...just make sure he's ok?"
"He'll be alright, don't worry. He's used to it." He replied.
"I know, but..."
"We'll look after him, Lily. I promise."
Lily blinked for a moment, Sirius never used her first name, but his tone had been sincere and concerned. "Thank you," she managed. He nodded, resuming his attack on the lamb chops as Lily picked once more at her own dinner.
Lily felt a bit odd, for the remainder of the evening, some malingering worry over Remus and the civility of the conversation with Black, with Sirius, had upset her equilibrium somewhat. And she was finding it difficult to concentrate. Her eyes flicked more often than she was really comfortable with to the far corner (as much as a round room could have corners) of the common room where the four boys were playing Wizard's Chess. Remus still hadn't gone to the Hospital Wing and was currently playing Peter lethargically directing his troops, who were it seemed, equally lethargically following his orders. He looked exhausted and paler than it really ought to be possible to be and still be breathing.
As she glanced up for what must have been the fiftieth time she paused and watched Remus lean over and whisper something to James, as his queen brutally murdered Peter's king. James nodded, and looked up, directly at Lily. She glanced down quickly, blushing and becoming greatly engrossed in her Charms homework. So engrossed that she jumped when a hand landed on her shoulder and found Remus standing over her. He dropped into a crouch with a series of cracks from his knees and joints and took her hand a touch dramatically.
"You'll be pleased to hear I am, finally, going to the Hospital Wing." He said with a smile.
"Oh." She said, as her heart did a weird flip-flop. "Good. Your headache is still bad?"
Remus nodded, "Yeah, I'm just feeling rubbish to be honest."
Hand acting almost of its own accord she reached over and pressed its back to his forehead. "You're still warm."
"I know. Madame Pomfrey will fix me. She usually does." He smiled again, then tipped his head to the side like he did when he was thinking, and chewed his lip for a moment. "Uh...James might come over and talk to you later." He said, carefully. "Can you do me a favour and, er, listen to him?"
Lily blinked, shocked for a moment. "Um, yeah, sure."
"Thanks." He didn't exactly looked relieved, just set.
"Feel better," she said and planted a kiss on his hair.
"I will." He stood up to another series of pops, and with a significant nod to James across the room, he clambered out of the portrait hole.
The common room emptied slowly. Peter went up to the dormitory, her friends bid her good night and the prefects chased any remaining lower years up the stairs. Eventually even they and any loitering upper years departed leaving Lily and her charms homework alone with Sirius Black and James Potter. Sirius gave her a small, almost shy wave, to Lily's perplexity, then he too departed.
"Can I sit there?" James asked, indicating the chair opposite hers.
"Alright." She kicked it out for him.
"Did Remus...?" he began, awkwardly.
"Erm...yeah, he said you'd try to talk to me, and that I should listen to you," she replied. "Look, Po...err, James, I'm not going..."
"It's not that," he said quickly, "Although if you've changed your mind..."
"No."
"Had to ask. Right, er, okay. Well, you see Remus wanted me to tell you something , something about him, and I'm not sure how to say it really." He stopped and ran a hand through his hair self-consciously. Usually it annoyed her when he played with his hair, but it didn't now.
She reached over and laid her hand on top of his. "I'm listening."
James took a deep breath, let it out indecisively, then took another. Then James Potter told her something which blew her mind.
The Hospital Wing was eerily quiet so early in the morning. Lily hadn't slept much the night before, so as the sun had risen so had she. She liked the castle this early, as she knew Remus did, it was quiet and peaceful as if was preparing itself for the chaos and bustle of the day which would soon fill its walls. It soothed her now, the familiarity, the connection to her friend.
Remus wasn't in the main ward, but Madame Pomfrey was. The matron turned when she heard Lily's footsteps and smiled at her. She pointed to a door which led to her office and a private room.
Remus was lying on his back, his eyes were closed but opened quickly when the door clicked closed behind her.
"Hey," he said in a very hoarse voice.
"Hey," she whispered back.
"James tol' you?"
She nodded.
"And you don' mind...you don'..."
Lily raised an eyebrow. "No. Don't be daft."
His eyes closed, he swallowed visibly and looked relieved. Lily marched over to the bed and perched on the edge of it, taking one of Remus' hands in hers. There was a bandage on his arm, to the wrist, and she could feel it's fibres tickle the tips of her fingers.
"You don't get ill all the time, at all, do you?"
He shook his head, and had the good grace to blush and look abashed.
"Why didn't you tell me earlier? Wait, no, don't answer that. I know why. I wish you'd told me earlier."
"M's'ry." He mumbled, clearly exhausted. "Wanted to...scared. M'a wuss, got James t' do it."
"You're not a wuss," she said, chuckling. "It's just...well, it's me. I thought we could tell each other anything." It was true, aside from Severus, Remus was the only one she talked to about her sister and her fear for her family, and indeed, her fears for Severus and the choices he was making.
"S' just why, though. Didn' wan' it to change things. Always changes things..."
"Not with me. You're still Remus, who just happens to also be a werewolf, and I'm still Lily, who just happens to be Muggleborn. There's no difference."
He smiled weakly, indulgent in her naivety, and squeezed her hand.
"Sleep. You look exhausted. I'll let you rest. Talk to you later?"
He nodded and gave her hand another squeeze.
As she reached the door, he called her name. "Lily?"
She turned and saw him looking at her through tired, but bright eyes, sea blue and clear.
"Thank you."
"Prat."