True Love

Sam's p o v

A/N Another Story for The Cam Fanfic Challenge issued by Super67759 the word is Approval.

I miss your soft lips. I miss your white sheets.
And this is so hard cause I didn't see
That you were the love of my life and it kills me.
I see your face in strangers on the street.
I still say your name when I'm talking in my sleep.
And in the limelight, I play it all fine.
But I can't handle it when I turn off my night light.

My Feet were on fire the pacing was wearing not only the carpet out but the souls of my overpriced nonsupporting high heals who the heck can wear these things day in and day out? They must be crazy they were murderous. My back ached my heals my feet even my legs were aching.

Mixed with my pounding heart which was so loud that my ears were almost bleeding I just wanted to die..but even more I wanted No I Needed a damn drink so bad. I could taste the sweet warm liquid on my lips. It was calling to me begging me to give in lose control and take it in it's hand wash it down my throat which was so dry that it would sail down in no time.

I couldn't though could I No..not if I wanted her ...who was she? The most gorgeous perfect creature that God ever created..the only one who I knew that could wear these blasted things and never complain...but then again it mad sense ..why would God bless her with such amazing tan muscular legs if he didn't give her the feet to support these torture devices that only enhanced her amazing toned legs. No cause it wasn't enough to be walking perfection she had to be even taller just to show us short people what we were missing out on.

Missing out yea that's what I had been doing every day for the last year and I was sick of it every time I closed my eyes I saw her amazing face it was like she was haunting me trying to punish me for what I did even before I knew what it was.

Her sweet amazing juicy lips that use to cover me with kisses whenever we were together they filled me with such passion such energy such spark such desire such love my whole body would come alive and I would just find myself responding without having to think. Carly had a way of driving me insane without even speaking or moving just being in her presence made me want to melt.

I was young back then yes even a year ago I never knew it made such a difference but apparently it did cause I have grown and I learned what I didn't see back then what I took for-granted what my arrogance made me blind to. What I am paying the price for now and that price is too damn high it's killing me it's draining the very blood from my soul as I am forced to sit here and remember, remember all our times we had together remember the mistakes I made that cost me the love of my life.

I look out and see the city lights that are twinkling so bright their laughing at me stupid stars just cause you hang up there so far away from the real world it doesn't give you the right to laugh at my misery.

The air was quite strange for the city even at night it's normally talkative. Still the quite beat the noise from the busy daytime streets which drove me insane cause no matter where I was I saw her I smelled her complete strangers reminded me of her like the lady I knocked off the curb today she was lost and I was lost in my own world my trapped memories which refused to give me any peace. I didn't see the light change to green as I stepped out only to almost be assaulted with a metro buss which knocked me flat on my butt and on top of this women who couldn't be more then 24 or 25 she fell with me. If this had been me having been knocked down by some foolish girl not paying attention. I would of gotten up and knocked her into next year but this chick no she smiled and asked me if I was okay? I almost killed her and she's concerned for me? She reminded me of you Carly so sweet so caring too caring this city will chew her up.

I can't go to sleep I want to my body is aching so bad I feel like death warmed over but sleep it hasn't come for me not in the last year. It's taken it's toll to my waist line . I can't eat I'm consumed by this never ending pain some call it guilt.

I tried ya know I tried to sleep but every night when I turn off my night light and lay down on our bed my face touches our pillow. I smell you and I feel you and it kills me ..I play it off in daytime Spencer is concerned he asks me every day and I smile and say I am fine but honey I'm not. I am so not fine. I say your name and wish it would bring you to me.

They say that true love hurts, well this could almost kill me.
Young love murder, that is what this must be.
I would give it all to not be sleeping alone.

The life is fading from me while you watch my heart bleed.
Young love murder, that is what this must be.
I would give it all to not be sleeping alone.

Remember the time we jumped the fence when
The Stones were playing and we were too broke to get in.
You held my hand then, then made me crawl I swore to God it was the best night of my life.

So it wasn't the stones for us but I remember, I wonder if you remember that time 4 years ago you were obsessed with Cuddle fish so I stole tickets but you freaked and made me return them. I was so mad cause I just wanted to show you a good time show you how much I loved you. So you took my hand and I swear I never saw you so darning it was so sexy it turned me on we ran past security we used that nub as a distraction he would do anything for you and you took full advantage of his devotion

and flirted your brains off with him till he almost melted in your palms you were so amazing I could of sat there all day watching you move your sexy butt and sway your amazing hips.

Long story short we jumped the fence while he distracted Security and we got to see Cuddle fish but what I remember wasn't the music though that was pretty cool to. I remember the feeling of your arms wrapped around my shoulders as we bumped hips swaying to the music. I remember being so close I could smell your sweet perfume and hear your heart pumping so excitedly from being there. I remember when you took my hand and held it to your heart yea I was thinking of moving it up further you were just so Delicious. I wanted to hold you feel you touch you kiss you devour you but you wouldn't go any further and yet still just being with you made it the best night of my life.

Or when you took me across the world, we
Promised that this will last forever but now I see.
It was my past life, a beautiful time
Drunk off of nothing but each other till the sun rise.
[Ah]
Drunk off of nothing but each other till the sun rise.

The stars are half hidden a pitch of blackness has overtaken the night sky just like these memories have done to my heart . I slip these blasted heals off my feet which are aching. I remember how we traveled to Japan and how we had to jump out of that stupid plane when we got to the hotel we were so beat from walking that you were almost crying. I remember massaging your perfect delicate feet as my lips trailed your amazing legs. I remember your sweet soft laugh as you cried for me to stop afraid Spencer and that nub would catch us so I tackled you and spent the next 20 minutes covering every inch of your perfect body and face with those sweet hot kisses. I remember how you squealed and moaned which filled me with such love and such pleasure. I remember laying there naked wrapped in your loving arms as you whispered promises to me about how much sweeter life would be in a few years when we were on our own that we would make sure our love grew bigger and better. Nothing would come between us. Forever and Always it's how we were.

We didn't need alcohol we didn't need drugs we had each other we had our love it was the only high we needed or wanted.

They say that true love hurts, well this could almost kill me.
Young love murder, that is what this must be.
I would give it all to not be sleeping alone.

The life is fading from me while you watch my heart bleed.
Young love murder, that is what this must be.
I would give it all to not be sleeping alone.

True Love doesn't just hurt you it fucking kills you I have never felt so much agony in my life I'm only 18 and I don't care if I die because without you I don't want to live. Murder yea that's a great way to describe what you did to me or what I did to myself so in reality I guess it would be murder suicide.

I killed us when I picked up that bottle I remember how you begged me not to begged me to talk to you but I swore I was in control. Swore I didn't need it that it was just a side habit , I could turn it on and off. I just needed a way to get through the weekends you knew how bad my life at home was. Mom was always drunk and when she was drunk she was extra bitchy. She always had those disgusting pigs over and they thought they could get whatever they wanted from me and they usually did cause she would never stand up for me. I just needed this stuff to wash away the pain the shame. You could never know how nasty I felt after the weekends, I would never let you know. I didn't want my hell to taint your perfect world.

It was like someone had taken a light switch and flicked it off come Friday night after we finished iCarly and I knew I had to go home. I stopped caring, I stopped feeling, I started getting nasty my attacks on Freddie were worse and I know you hated it you always had a soft spot for that dweeb. Why is beyond me but that's what makes you so wonderful, your ability to love and forgive to accept.

I'm not sure why I did what I did maybe it was not having a father around not having that unconditional love not having a mom that cared maybe I just needed approval and acceptance wherever I could find it.

Why it wasn't enough your love? Spencer 's love? I wish I knew but I was young and maybe I just felt I wasn't worthy of your gentle sweet heart. I was tainted I wasn't pure you deserved someone who wasn't so messed up. Why didn't I see that you didn't care about all that? I was young we both were...

It was a past (you were a past life) life, a beautiful time.
Drunk off of nothing but each other till the sun rise. [Till the sun rise.]

These memories need to stop I can't get the approval I need from remembering a time long past. It won't bring you back I still see you begging on your knees tears lining your face as you plead with me to give up the booze and come home with you. I wanted to Carly you had no idea how much. I hated getting so drunk that I couldn't even remember how I got to whatever party I was at how I would fall into some random person's bed and do god knows what with him or her.

The Shame I felt when you walked in on me that night it's beyond explainable I was so drunk I was so high. I don't know what his name was where I met him. I know you kept screaming at me saying he was too old for me..How old was he? 20? 27? Your checks were beat red as you grabbed me shaking me screaming at me but I was so drunk I couldn't stand and it disgusted you I saw it in your eyes. I felt it in your touch I heard it in the tremble of your voice the feel of your hand when you smashed it across my face. I felt the disgust deep inside me I never wanted you to see this side of me. I needed you to accept me for who I was but I wasn't being truthful with you. Believe this though Carly.

You were the only one I wanted to touch to have touch me but you were so smart you had a future set full of bright promises where was I going? No where you deserved better then what I could offer. So I started drinking more and more till I didn't even know a time when I wasn't drunk. The days blurred by in a haze of parties booze and drugs and you cried yourself to sleep every night sick with worry and ashamed that you had failed me. I didn't know that when you said you forgave me for that night that it didn't meant you didn't forget that what you saw that you didn't still worry that I was cheating on you every night when I wasn't laying beside you.

I didn't know that you weren't eating that you weren't sleeping that it hurt you too much to go to sleep in our bed where we had made love so many nights and so many days. That you couldn't bare to put your head down on my pillow..now I do cause that's how I feel and it kills me to know I once caused you this kind of pain. I never wanted to hurt you or make you cry. I love you now and I loved you then and I would do anything to bring you back home here where you belong in my arms in our bed.

Chorus:
They say that true love hurts, well this could almost kill me.
Young love murder, that is what this must be.
I would give it all to not be sleeping alone.

I feel like my heart is bleeding to death without you cause you are my heart beat my reason for breathing. Your essence is what makes my blood flow without you I suffocate. I never meant to make you lose who you were, I'm glad Spencer made you give me up I'm glad he kicked me out of your life even if it hurt like hell back then even if it made me so angry that I took a razor and silt my wrist it gave you your freedom. You graduated top honors Valedictorian of our class I watched you walk up from the side lines. I didn't have the grades to pass. I should of paid more attention studied harder not partied so damn much. Maybe I would of gone away to collage like you and Freddie. How is it Carly? Everything you wanted? I know your properly acing every class and Dating all the prettiest girls but no one can love you as much as I do. Maybe their treat you better and appreciate what a sweetheart you are they better or I'll break their damn face. I hurt you enough for a lifetime.

The life is fading from me while you watch my heart bleed.
Young love murder, that is what this must be.
I would give it all to not be sleeping alone.

I'm doing better Carly I swear Spencer has been an angel he picked me up when I was at my lowest after mom kicked me out when I turned 18 . Nice birthday present mom, He found me living on the streets selling my body for money so I could buy my booze and drugs. I was stealing cars, money food anything just to get buy having sex was a way to kill the need for approval I never got anywhere else. I wasn't looking for love. I had that and I killed it. He saw me one night laying face first in my own blood after a client outsmarted the great Puckett he stole my drugs, raped me and shot me. I wish I could say I fought but what was the point? I wasn't someone who deserved love. Spencer taught me different he picked me up made me get help and gave me a place to stay .I just couldn't tell him that being in this room brought back so many memories so much pain and so much shame. So I smiled and played it off like I was fine..and I am getting better I'm going to therapy. I'm learning day by day that in order to get love. I must love myself first and have my own approval of who I am before I can seek it from someone else.

I hope someday Carly that you can find it in your heart to forgive me even though I don't deserve it I really did ..I really do love you Carly Shay you will always be my first and only my True Love.

Sam...

I spin and I see your smile your nervous and it makes me scared. You look so amazing so hot! I want to ask you so many things but I can't so I just run to you tripping over my heals and fall as your arms wrap around me you kiss me and throw me on the bed..

I can't believe your here

I thought you weren't going to come?

I wasn't sure Sam ..I ...We have a lot we need to talk about..

So much has happened Sam..

The way your touching my face looking into my eyes scares the heck out of me. I know that look I feel the tears well up but I push them back. Your going to dump me aren't you Carl's? I listen as you sigh and brush your hair back it's gotten longer I feel it as it weaves through my fingers so silky so smooth just like your sweet skin which I feel against my lips as I lean in to kiss your face you don't stop me as I wrap my arms around you. I can feel your heart beating so strong so full..what is it full of? Love, anger Pain, Hate? Who am I kidding no matter how much someone hates you Carl's You can never hate your too sweet for that kind of sin. I feel your warm honey breath on my skin as your hands which slowly hesitantly work their way up my back rest safety on my shoulders you pull me close.

I know I have no right to ask for anything Carly I did so much damage

Yes you did Sam..

You have no idea the hell I went through last year

I'm Sorry Carly I ..

Shh...

Without asking you lean in I see your eyes which are so full of questions and doubt connect with mine. I try my best to convey to you that what I am saying is the truth that I am getting help, I am learning I just need to keep going ...Your lips touch mine and I feel my whole body elevate .

We make love all night I guess I don't have to ask for your approval anymore. I guess you forgive me and accept me huh?

You are the love of my life...

Based off the song The Harold song By Kesha