Watching while you sleep…
Jack sat more comfortably in the grass and absentmindedly plucked a strand to stick into his mouth. The sweet smelling grass brought back memories and he smiled. He would always feel the pain of Ianto's loss, but he was beginning to remember the good times over the bad, and to let the smile show through the pain for the loss of his handsome Welshman. Although several centuries had passed, it felt like mere moments in some ways when Jack thought about Ianto. He closed his eyes and smiled, lovingly recreating the other man's face in his mind. He began with the shape of his face, his nose, that special smile that was only for him. And the look in his eyes. The look that spoke more than words ever did.
Jack sighed, letting out a tiny breath as he opened his eyes again and looked out onto the field of yellow flowers. It was as beautiful today as it had been the day the two of them had found it the first time. Unbeknownst to Ianto, Jack had purchased the land after their encounter there, wanting nothing to ever change this place where they had found such happiness in the past. It had been a spur of the moment thing that he hadn't shared with his lover. He had intended that perhaps they would build on the property one day, a place for just the two of them. He shook his head as he smiled. It wasn't meant to be. But it had insured that this place would never change, giving him a spot to come back to when he wanted.
In front of him, the diary lay in his lap and he looked down at it. Ianto had had a beautiful way with words. Jack's hand caressed the bound leather volume. It was the only thing left of his love which could allow him to share how he thought. He smiled as his fingers traced the embossed Welsh script which was entwined with a red dragon on the front. Even after all this time, the gold leaf still shone in the sunlight.
Jack opened the cover and flipped through the pages until it fell open to a page he hadn't read before. He looked down at the familiar slanted script and smiled. The bold strokes of Ianto's handwriting brought back so many memories. From little notes tacked onto boring paperwork to written complaints about something left in the fridge; that writing brought back countless memories. Jack held each one close to his heart, cherishing even the silly notes of being chastised for not doing his work. Each of those memories was treasured and special to him now.
He looked up through the sheen of tears in his eyes. He hadn't even been aware of them until the words on the page began to shimmer. "What we had, it wasn't just good, Ianto," he said out loud. "It was bloody brilliant! So damn good. Every moment, even the tough times. The times when we didn't know if there would be a tomorrow. You were right. The world was always ending, but we saw it through, didn't we?" Jack wiped his eyes. Ianto could still make him cry, even after all this time. He smiled as he looked down at the diary in his lap, wanting to share another moment with the man he had loved. He began to read.
I wonder if Jack knows how many times I've sat up and watched as he slept after we made love. Gwen said he once told her that he never really sleeps, but I know better. I know that although he doesn't sleep as much as the rest of us, he does sleep. When he's relaxed, and feeling safe. He's told me he sleeps better for me being there. That makes me happy, that I can bring him that moment of respite that I think he needs so much.
In fact, as I write this entry, he's sleeping beside me. He looks so peaceful tonight. I think it's better for him when I can get him out of the Hub and over to mine to sleep. A damn sight more comfortable, too! I love looking at him like this. He smiles in his sleep, and I wonder, does he dream of me or other worlds, other places that he's been? It makes me wonder what goes on inside of that head of his. I think of the marvels of the world – no, the universe! - that he's seen and wonder if he dreams of those fantastic far off places. Does he dream of those people he's met, those journeys he's taken in the past? Of his Doctor and his travels with him in the TARDIS? He's seen so much. Experienced so many things, that I wonder how he can stay tied to this earth when he's seen all that the stars have to offer.
Sometimes I just sit and close my eyes, and try to imagine some of the places he's told me about. Worlds with two suns, multiple moons, different constellations far above in the night sky of some different land. Fantastic places of blue skinned beings, some furred, others scaled, yet still people in their own way. Somettimes, I feel like I can almost see it. I know Jack likes to tell his stories, but the more I listen to them, the more I know that most of what he says probably has some basis in fact. A bit mind-boggling, really.
I think of what it was like when all those planets were above us, and wonder what it would be like to live on a world where it was normal to see things in the heavens like that, when it wasn't a threat by an alien race. And I marvel that even with all those wonders he's seen, he still chooses to make this tiny planet in the Milky Way his home. Because now, it is by choice. He came back when he didn't have to. He told me it was because of me. I think it was that moment in the Hub when he said that (and later, when he repeated it when we were alone together at the spa after everything that had happened,) that I fell in love with him all over again.
Jack paused and he let his eyes reread that last sentence that Ianto had written. He stroked the page and smiled. Even then. He'd always known it, but to see what Ianto wrote brought it all back to him. They both had been broken in their own individual ways, but together had found a way to heal one another. With love. He smiled through his tears. He hadn't been able to say the words, but they had shared the meaning often enough without words. He smiled to himself. Ianto knew. Ianto had known everything. His hand absently stroked the page in the book and he looked down again, feeling a closeness to the other man that reading Ianto's writing gave hm.
He's smiling again. It looks like a good dream. One that I hope has me in it. If so, I hope that is if it is me, that we're having a good time. By his smile, we must be! Damn, I just want to lean over and kiss him right now. But he gets so little sleep as it is, I just want to let him rest.
If I can find a way, I vow here and now that I will always watch over you, Jack. Always be there, even when I can't be there in person. Know that, and keep it in your heart, because I know some day you're going to read this. It wouldn't be the first time you've done that, after all, would it? And I'll share something with you right now, Jack. I'm writing this for you. All these thoughts, these hopes and dreams within, I share with you so you can have something of me when I'm gone. I don't pretend to myself that it will be forever. Forever means something different here. But if it helps for you to remember me, then I'll be happy.
Funny. I've been sitting here wool-gathering for so long that hours have past and the sun is coming up. Another day dawns, and another night comes to a close. I don't know what this day will bring, most probably some flotsam out of the rift which will cause no end of mischief! But that's okay. We'll handle it together, like we always do. And if we find some time to ourselves in the process, well – all the better!
Jack laughed out loud as he got to the end of the page and finished the entry. He had always suspected that Ianto preferred when things were difficult. And he was touched beyond words to know that Ianto had written this journal for him. He gently closed the book, wanting to wait a bit before savoring another entry. They were like pearls locked in time. Moments meant for him and no one else. He looked up at the sun and smiled.
"Thank you, Ianto. Even now, you know what I need and you unselfishly give it. I will always cherish my memories of you. Not only for a thousand years, but forever!"