I headed towards the dark gaping hole, and my heart pounded within my giant metal chestplate.
"Apoclymon!! He's dead, he's dead!" I wailed to the void in space, my normally straight, monotonic voice pitching up and down like a leaping Dolphmon.
"Who, Machinedramon?" the dark, chilling voice answered, as the shadowy, spider-like creature came into view in the hole.
"Metalseadramon! They split him apart, cut him up, now he's gone, gone,gone!" I cried, warm tears sliding down my steel jaws.
"Calm down, comrade. Why do you care whether he is dead or not?"
"Because..." I said meekly, coughing once or twice to compose myself, "I loved him, Apoclymon. I loved him with all my heart, I would give up my place in the Dark Masters for him, but he's dead, dead, and there's nothing I can do!"
"Foolish creature. How could you love him?"
I stopped cold. How could I possibly explain these feelings? So warm, so ferocious, that tugged at my heart-if I had one- the way a dog pulls at her chain? I don't know why I have them, but they are real, they burn inside me, heating my cold iron skin like a furnace fueled by the sight of my beloved.
"I...I just...He's so beautiful." I finished, not quite sure I meant exactly what I said.
Apoclymon looked down at me disgustedly, a hint of superiority gleaming in his chilling red eyes. "Idiot. You can't feel love. You can't feel happyness, grief, anger, pain. You are data. You are a Digimon. Digimon can't have feelings like that."
The words struck me like a poison arrow. "What do you mean?"
"Digimon are merely data, taking on another form. They aren't really real."
"If I'm not real," I growled, a furious rage rising in my soul, "how can I do this?" With that, I swept my heavy iron claws over the forest, falling nearly every tree.
"Just because you can hurt things doesn't make you real, alive. A computer virus can delete files, right? Does that mean it can love?"
"Well, no...but I am not a computer virus."
"Essentially, you are. Digimon are merely computer data, viruses, and programs that have taken another form."
"You are a Digimon... and yet you grieve just as much as a human, or something else that is real. Maybe even more so."
Apoclymon shook his head. "I am different. I was not formed from computer information. I was formed from pain, anger, and sadness. I can feel those things." He smiled bitterly, revealing fangs. "Not anything else, though..."
And he turned away, leaving me to my shocking realization, leaving me to face it-alone. Without...
Without Metalseadramon.
I certainly feel real...
I am sure my Metalseadramon felt real when he was cut to pieces...My metalseadramon..taken away..
But how can you take away something if it never really existed?
I slashed my arm with my own claws, leaving jagged rips in my metal skin. Pain throbbed from where I was cut. Pain is real. Pain is real. Real...
I must be real, then. Unless whatI feel isn't really pain. Apoclymon said I can't feel pain. So maybe the feeling that pulses from my arm isn't really pain. But then, what is it?
What?
Confusion swarmed in my head like wasps, questions stinging at my mind. I needed answers. No, not answers.
I needed to be real.
***
As I leaned next to the Destiny stone, I could feel its strength, its light, its steady power. And I wondered still as I saw the magnificence of the glimmering rock if I was really seeing it at all.
I can't think about that now. Can't. I have to concentrate...for Metalseadramon.
I kneeled and clasped my claws together in a praying position.
"Oh great Azulongmon...answer my prayers...I want to be a human. For a day. I want to live in the real world as a human being, for one day. Just one. Then I want to go back to being me, Machindramon, because I must continue being a Dark Master. I have to return to the mission...after one day of being real. I beg of you, O power greater than I, grant me this one wish."
That said, I closed my eyes and prayed for what I wanted with all my heart.
The ritual over, I turned and headed back to Spiral Mountain to go to sleep.
***
When I awoke, I let out a sigh of dissapointment, my heart sinking. Nothing had changed. I felt exactly the same.
I raised a hand an ran it through my soft hair, breathing quietly-
HAIR!?
I stood straight up, then promptly fell over. My legs...they were different! I stared down at them in disbelief. Long human legs, a bit grayer then they were supposed to be, was what I saw. The proportions were entirely different...they bent forward instead of backwards. I paniced, flailing and scrabbling, trying to stand up. When I finally got to my feet, I tipped forward. My arms flew out in front of me, my new hands banging against a brick wall, and that propped me up. Leaning against the wall, I breathed heavily, listening to my voice. It sounded much lighter, like a child's...but it still sounded the same, almost. It had the same pitch, the same tone. I wanted to hear more of my new voice...it comforted me somehow. I spoke slowly, saying the first word that came to my mind.
"Metalseadramon. Metalseadramon. Metalseadramon. Metalseadramon..."
"What the-"
I turned around to see a human staring at me, a shocked look on his face. Trying to stand up again, and failing, I fell over on my back, hitting my head against the wall on the other side.
"Whoa, kid...are you okay? What are you doing in a dark alley like this? You shouldn't be here..."
I felt a rough hand grasp my new shoulder hard. I felt so vulnerable, so alone...I missed my steel skin...
I drew my arm back quickly, hissing under my breath.
"Don't touch me, human!"
I realized what a mistake I was making in saying this a bit too late, but fortunately he hadn't heard me. I turned to look at him, my eyes narrowing. He looked like a normal middle-aged human...he wore a blue shirt and dark brown trousers, and a mess of deep brown hair that looked like a bird's nest. He looked like one of the Chosen Children, almost...except he was paler, and his features sagged a litle, giving him wrinkles...but still, he looked like...
"Yamato?" I breathed.
"What? No, that's my son...how could you mistake me for him? Oh well...god, kid, your eyes!"
I blinked. "What about them?"
"They're...they're bright red! And your hair, did you dye it or something? Its...its silver, my god! And how the hell did you end up in a dark alley with no clothes on?"
I backed away from him instinctively. "Don't come any closer."
"Look, I'm not going to hurt you. But I could take you home and give you some clothes, at least..." He took a step forward.
"GIGA CANNON!" I cried, throwing my arms forward. But nothing came from them, and I fell forward clumsily, right into the man's arms.
'Stupid, stupid!' I cursed myself mentally.
"Kid...look...I just want to make sure you're okay. How about we just come to my apartment, maybe you can eat something. You're a little scrawny, ne?"
I sighed heavily, giving in, and leaned into his warm embrace.
"I take that as a yes."
***
Mr. Ishida sat me down on his big, soft couch when we entered his apartment. It was strange...is this what it felt to be real? Besides being in a different body, I didn't feel any different. I still felt like me, Machindramon. And the sadness from the death of my wonderful Metalseadramon still burned in my heart. I felt so alone...I shivered, and pulled my arms over my shoulders...and saw my wrist. Four red scars shone out from my pale gray skin, and I stared at them, wondering when I recieved such cuts. Then...then I remembered. I had cut myself yesterday, in my other form. I caressed the wounds lightly with my now-delicate fingers, and when I touched them, a slight pain started throbbing away. Pain. Pain wasn't different...but that means I do feel pain when I am a digimon. That means I do feel...
I started chuckling, despite my pain and inner grief. Apoclymon was wrong. I do feel. I do. I feel pain and sadness...and I also feel mirth, apparently, since I was sitting there giggling like a small child.My chuckles turned
into laughter, and my laughs becamemighty and heaving, my entire body shook. I didn'tknow why I laughed,perhaps because I knew that I was real, I made a difference.
Mr. Ishida walked into the room at that moment and watched me laugh hysterically for a few seconds. I stopped laughing and smiled at him, giving him a big wide grin, ear-to-newfound-ear. He smiled back, and his eyes twinkled as he did so.
"Okay, kid, here's some clothes that Yama doesn't wear anymore.
He tossed me two garments-a green t-shirt and a pair of deep blue jeans. He walked over and helped me put them on. I felt uncomfortable in them, and the grin left my face. Not only because of the clothes, but because I had started thinking about Metalseadramon again.
"Well...do you want to stay?"
I shook my head no.
"Okay then. Off you go."
He opened the door, and I took off into the city.
***
It was a good thing I had gotten used to walking, because I did a lot of it. People stared at me as I walked past them, because apparently red eyes, silver hair, and gray skin are not common features for humans. I didn't care though. I was drowned in my own sadness, for my lost love had come to haunt me again.
I didn't know where I was going, exactly, but apparently my soul did. For when I stopped moving, I found myself near the ocean.
The ocean...where Metalseadramon spent so much time...
I remembered once I had followed him to the edge of the ocean, and watched him dive in. He was euphoric in the water; nothing made him happier. But I could not go in the water, it would get into my machine body and kill me, short-circuiting all the wires inside of me.
"That's okay," he had said, "water isn't all that great anyway." And then he had come back out of the ocean, the one place he loved with all his heart, just to be with me.
I missed him so much...
But now that I was human, I could finally go into the water. I felt...I felt almost like I could be with him one more time if I did.
So I took off my clothes, with some effort, and stepped into the water.
How cold it was! But I didn't care. I floated there, my head just above water, the moonlight glimmering off the waves. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, pretending he was there, right next to me.
I loved him so so much, more then I even missed him.
And I kept the love in my heart, no matter how long he had been gone.
Because when I woke up tomorrow, I would be a digimon again.
But as long as I still felt love, I could be real.
***
"I suppose you are Real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.
"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."
-From the Velveteen Rabbit
"Apoclymon!! He's dead, he's dead!" I wailed to the void in space, my normally straight, monotonic voice pitching up and down like a leaping Dolphmon.
"Who, Machinedramon?" the dark, chilling voice answered, as the shadowy, spider-like creature came into view in the hole.
"Metalseadramon! They split him apart, cut him up, now he's gone, gone,gone!" I cried, warm tears sliding down my steel jaws.
"Calm down, comrade. Why do you care whether he is dead or not?"
"Because..." I said meekly, coughing once or twice to compose myself, "I loved him, Apoclymon. I loved him with all my heart, I would give up my place in the Dark Masters for him, but he's dead, dead, and there's nothing I can do!"
"Foolish creature. How could you love him?"
I stopped cold. How could I possibly explain these feelings? So warm, so ferocious, that tugged at my heart-if I had one- the way a dog pulls at her chain? I don't know why I have them, but they are real, they burn inside me, heating my cold iron skin like a furnace fueled by the sight of my beloved.
"I...I just...He's so beautiful." I finished, not quite sure I meant exactly what I said.
Apoclymon looked down at me disgustedly, a hint of superiority gleaming in his chilling red eyes. "Idiot. You can't feel love. You can't feel happyness, grief, anger, pain. You are data. You are a Digimon. Digimon can't have feelings like that."
The words struck me like a poison arrow. "What do you mean?"
"Digimon are merely data, taking on another form. They aren't really real."
"If I'm not real," I growled, a furious rage rising in my soul, "how can I do this?" With that, I swept my heavy iron claws over the forest, falling nearly every tree.
"Just because you can hurt things doesn't make you real, alive. A computer virus can delete files, right? Does that mean it can love?"
"Well, no...but I am not a computer virus."
"Essentially, you are. Digimon are merely computer data, viruses, and programs that have taken another form."
"You are a Digimon... and yet you grieve just as much as a human, or something else that is real. Maybe even more so."
Apoclymon shook his head. "I am different. I was not formed from computer information. I was formed from pain, anger, and sadness. I can feel those things." He smiled bitterly, revealing fangs. "Not anything else, though..."
And he turned away, leaving me to my shocking realization, leaving me to face it-alone. Without...
Without Metalseadramon.
I certainly feel real...
I am sure my Metalseadramon felt real when he was cut to pieces...My metalseadramon..taken away..
But how can you take away something if it never really existed?
I slashed my arm with my own claws, leaving jagged rips in my metal skin. Pain throbbed from where I was cut. Pain is real. Pain is real. Real...
I must be real, then. Unless whatI feel isn't really pain. Apoclymon said I can't feel pain. So maybe the feeling that pulses from my arm isn't really pain. But then, what is it?
What?
Confusion swarmed in my head like wasps, questions stinging at my mind. I needed answers. No, not answers.
I needed to be real.
***
As I leaned next to the Destiny stone, I could feel its strength, its light, its steady power. And I wondered still as I saw the magnificence of the glimmering rock if I was really seeing it at all.
I can't think about that now. Can't. I have to concentrate...for Metalseadramon.
I kneeled and clasped my claws together in a praying position.
"Oh great Azulongmon...answer my prayers...I want to be a human. For a day. I want to live in the real world as a human being, for one day. Just one. Then I want to go back to being me, Machindramon, because I must continue being a Dark Master. I have to return to the mission...after one day of being real. I beg of you, O power greater than I, grant me this one wish."
That said, I closed my eyes and prayed for what I wanted with all my heart.
The ritual over, I turned and headed back to Spiral Mountain to go to sleep.
***
When I awoke, I let out a sigh of dissapointment, my heart sinking. Nothing had changed. I felt exactly the same.
I raised a hand an ran it through my soft hair, breathing quietly-
HAIR!?
I stood straight up, then promptly fell over. My legs...they were different! I stared down at them in disbelief. Long human legs, a bit grayer then they were supposed to be, was what I saw. The proportions were entirely different...they bent forward instead of backwards. I paniced, flailing and scrabbling, trying to stand up. When I finally got to my feet, I tipped forward. My arms flew out in front of me, my new hands banging against a brick wall, and that propped me up. Leaning against the wall, I breathed heavily, listening to my voice. It sounded much lighter, like a child's...but it still sounded the same, almost. It had the same pitch, the same tone. I wanted to hear more of my new voice...it comforted me somehow. I spoke slowly, saying the first word that came to my mind.
"Metalseadramon. Metalseadramon. Metalseadramon. Metalseadramon..."
"What the-"
I turned around to see a human staring at me, a shocked look on his face. Trying to stand up again, and failing, I fell over on my back, hitting my head against the wall on the other side.
"Whoa, kid...are you okay? What are you doing in a dark alley like this? You shouldn't be here..."
I felt a rough hand grasp my new shoulder hard. I felt so vulnerable, so alone...I missed my steel skin...
I drew my arm back quickly, hissing under my breath.
"Don't touch me, human!"
I realized what a mistake I was making in saying this a bit too late, but fortunately he hadn't heard me. I turned to look at him, my eyes narrowing. He looked like a normal middle-aged human...he wore a blue shirt and dark brown trousers, and a mess of deep brown hair that looked like a bird's nest. He looked like one of the Chosen Children, almost...except he was paler, and his features sagged a litle, giving him wrinkles...but still, he looked like...
"Yamato?" I breathed.
"What? No, that's my son...how could you mistake me for him? Oh well...god, kid, your eyes!"
I blinked. "What about them?"
"They're...they're bright red! And your hair, did you dye it or something? Its...its silver, my god! And how the hell did you end up in a dark alley with no clothes on?"
I backed away from him instinctively. "Don't come any closer."
"Look, I'm not going to hurt you. But I could take you home and give you some clothes, at least..." He took a step forward.
"GIGA CANNON!" I cried, throwing my arms forward. But nothing came from them, and I fell forward clumsily, right into the man's arms.
'Stupid, stupid!' I cursed myself mentally.
"Kid...look...I just want to make sure you're okay. How about we just come to my apartment, maybe you can eat something. You're a little scrawny, ne?"
I sighed heavily, giving in, and leaned into his warm embrace.
"I take that as a yes."
***
Mr. Ishida sat me down on his big, soft couch when we entered his apartment. It was strange...is this what it felt to be real? Besides being in a different body, I didn't feel any different. I still felt like me, Machindramon. And the sadness from the death of my wonderful Metalseadramon still burned in my heart. I felt so alone...I shivered, and pulled my arms over my shoulders...and saw my wrist. Four red scars shone out from my pale gray skin, and I stared at them, wondering when I recieved such cuts. Then...then I remembered. I had cut myself yesterday, in my other form. I caressed the wounds lightly with my now-delicate fingers, and when I touched them, a slight pain started throbbing away. Pain. Pain wasn't different...but that means I do feel pain when I am a digimon. That means I do feel...
I started chuckling, despite my pain and inner grief. Apoclymon was wrong. I do feel. I do. I feel pain and sadness...and I also feel mirth, apparently, since I was sitting there giggling like a small child.My chuckles turned
into laughter, and my laughs becamemighty and heaving, my entire body shook. I didn'tknow why I laughed,perhaps because I knew that I was real, I made a difference.
Mr. Ishida walked into the room at that moment and watched me laugh hysterically for a few seconds. I stopped laughing and smiled at him, giving him a big wide grin, ear-to-newfound-ear. He smiled back, and his eyes twinkled as he did so.
"Okay, kid, here's some clothes that Yama doesn't wear anymore.
He tossed me two garments-a green t-shirt and a pair of deep blue jeans. He walked over and helped me put them on. I felt uncomfortable in them, and the grin left my face. Not only because of the clothes, but because I had started thinking about Metalseadramon again.
"Well...do you want to stay?"
I shook my head no.
"Okay then. Off you go."
He opened the door, and I took off into the city.
***
It was a good thing I had gotten used to walking, because I did a lot of it. People stared at me as I walked past them, because apparently red eyes, silver hair, and gray skin are not common features for humans. I didn't care though. I was drowned in my own sadness, for my lost love had come to haunt me again.
I didn't know where I was going, exactly, but apparently my soul did. For when I stopped moving, I found myself near the ocean.
The ocean...where Metalseadramon spent so much time...
I remembered once I had followed him to the edge of the ocean, and watched him dive in. He was euphoric in the water; nothing made him happier. But I could not go in the water, it would get into my machine body and kill me, short-circuiting all the wires inside of me.
"That's okay," he had said, "water isn't all that great anyway." And then he had come back out of the ocean, the one place he loved with all his heart, just to be with me.
I missed him so much...
But now that I was human, I could finally go into the water. I felt...I felt almost like I could be with him one more time if I did.
So I took off my clothes, with some effort, and stepped into the water.
How cold it was! But I didn't care. I floated there, my head just above water, the moonlight glimmering off the waves. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, pretending he was there, right next to me.
I loved him so so much, more then I even missed him.
And I kept the love in my heart, no matter how long he had been gone.
Because when I woke up tomorrow, I would be a digimon again.
But as long as I still felt love, I could be real.
***
"I suppose you are Real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.
"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."
-From the Velveteen Rabbit