A/N: I was thinking of Kelsey and her crack-pairings and this is what comes out. I'm sorry, Kels. I'm probably on drugs or something. It's just totally and utterly inappropriate.
keep it in the family
So they're laying someone into good Mother Earth and Sirius can't remember if it's his great-aunt or his grandfather and he can't be arsed to recall it when he's got Regulus dribbling snot into his blazer and Remus's hand on his knee and Lily's hand fisted at the back of his neck.
"We gather here to mourn the dearly departed," the priest drones. He's older than Sirius's own father, who he's always silently referred to as Old Father Time or even Why the Fuck Are You Still Alive on certain occasions. "Sweetly beloved, we render you back to the earth"--and by the speech, the priest was as about as useless as Sirius's father with this lengthy shite about whoever had the misfortune to die. He muttered as much under his breath and Remus squeezed his knee in a way that was much more painful than it was pleasurable.
The coffin is made out of oak, or maybe cedar--what the fuck ever, it was brown and wooden-looking and crusted over with the Black family jewels in a way that made it look like it was halfway decomposing. This family is gaudy as hell, Sirius thinks as he awkwardly sweeps his hand over Regulus's head and makes a mental note to learn how to soothe properly and to ask Lily to make sure that he's cremated when he dies.
Someone that Sirius distantly remembers kissing five Christmases ago and then being horrified when they turned out to be his cousin gets up to give the eulogy. It is predictably long-winded and chock-full of glorifications and all the good stuff that people like to hear at funerals. Sirius sincerely hopes that no one says that at his--he doesn't care if people talk shit, as long it's only Remus and Lily and maybe Peter and James if they learn how to show up at things instead of fucking up and leaving…Christ Almighty, he had abandonment issues!
Regulus is still sniveling into his blazer. What the FUCK. "Reg, be a pal, budge up!" he pleads and wonders if he can ask who's died without being stared at in abject horror. "Don't cry so much!"
"But…! GRIER!" Regulus says inexplicably, and then opens his mouth in an obnoxious baby-wail and Sirius frantically wiggles away from him because he's never known how to handle crying people. The one time he'd been forced to witness Remus crying, the son of a bitch had gotten away with his wallet and double his weight in chocolate. Sirius still felt empty when he thought about his savings sometimes.
He told himself that he was edging away because he was young and thought he wanted to live forever and just be forever young, he couldn't handle death and it was terribly shocking to the system at such a tender age. Also: because he couldn't remember who'd died and didn't want to have to make awkward small-talk about the deceased without knowing which pronouns to use . (Moaning "Grier!" at him hadn't helped him any, thanks a shit load, Regulus.)
Predictably, Remus finds him faster than he can blink, his fingers curled around his lighter in the parking lot. He's wearing nice trousers and a sweater that is that same color as everyone else's formal wear. It's strangely appealing to see Remus dolled up in earth tones, and with the added bonus of his friend's furious face and the onslaught of profanities.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, Sirius? You--you fuck, Sirius! You stupid shit! That is your family, go back there!" Remus thunders, speed-walking up to him. Unsurprisingly, he is flanked by Lily, who looks like someone straight out of some idiot's wet dream (James's) in her tight-fitting black dress and wet hair and heels clutched in her hand. "Bugger! Bugger! Bugger!" The I-am-pissed-and-I-mean-business effect is slightly ruined by both of them being huddled under a large umbrella and lacking the urge to move more than a foot apart from each other.
"Oh, do you really want to, Lupin?" Sirius asks innocently. Remus almost takes his eye out with his umbrella. "Guess not. Your move, Evans."
Lily gives him The Look. It is not quite disgust or loathing, but it's close enough. "You're disgusting," she says airily. "Remus is right. Get back in there."
Sirius snaps the lighter against his fingers and catches his skin by accident, yelping. Remus snickers. Lily just stands there, looking wet and absurdly attractive for someone so demanding. "Sirius. Honestly. That's your family. I know it's been awful with them--"
--She doesn't know how awful. Yelling and running downstairs and upstairs and anywhere but there, where the fighting and smacking was as his mother coiled herself against the fireplace, furious-faced, and Regulus whined into his shoulder when he snuck into bed with Sirius, about why are mummy and daddy fighting, make them stop, make them stop! And he'd started wearing leather then, and studded things because he thought he could protect himself like that.
"--but they need you right now, Sirius. Your mother. Regulus. Your father."
Lily knows how to lay it on thick, alright. Sirius has a strong feeling that his mother was getting drunk right now and that Regulus was now crying into someone else's shoulder. Maybe his father had kicked the bucket by now--hopefully that is.
"Fuck this!" Remus snaps, still angry over Sirius not employing the familial values that had been instilled in his mind since birth. He plops himself down next to Sirius and takes off his shoes, wiggling his bare toes into the wet grass. "Might as well pull up a space, Lily, he's not going to go anywhere."
Lily gives them both a funny look and crouches next to them. Her hair is pasted to her head and it looks black in the heavy rain. Her head tucked into the curve of Remus's neck, they almost look like a couple from a magazine. Nerds Anonymous or something like it. If only Remus wasn't queer and Lily didn't list castration methods for fun.
"Who died?" Sirius asks. He doesn't care, not really. Lily stares at him in shock. Remus just sighs at him.
"Aldonious Grier Black, commonly known as 'Grier'," Remus reads from the pamphlet tiredly. "He was twenty-three. Some sort of disease--er, I can't see what it is because there's a bit of jam or something along the line…Well, he was your uncle. I think." He shows the faded picture on the front to Sirius helplessly.
Dark hair touching his collar. Wide-set gray eyes, a small smattering of freckles on his nose. A birthmark on his chin. Slight overbite, good eyebrows. A nice, understated sort of tan that means summer and sunbathing and you're awfully pretty you know.
He thinks what's your name and I don't give out that sort of personal information and you want to keep touching me? Then don't ask stupid questions.
And then he thinks--well, he says it, actually, "HOLY SHIT."
Remus practically dislocates his elbow jerking away from him. "What?"
"That's the guy! You know, the one from Cancun!"
Lily's face brightens up with knowledge. "The one who you had…sex with?"
Remus looks nauseated. "That's your uncle."
"I closed my eyes! How was I supposed to know?"
Lily buries her face in her hands. "Oh my god."
"He said his name was Grier!" Sirius flails. "And he had a tattoo!"
"Of what?" Remus demands. "And does it matter? He was your uncle!"
Sirius thinks of telling Remus to shove off, it was an awesome tattoo. He then remembers that it was probably a depiction of the Black family crest, of all things. Sirius manages to refrain from puking all over Lily's dress, but only just.
"We all make mistakes." he supplies weakly. Remus still looks horrified. Lily looks thoughtful. "Child, you are forgiven for your sins!" Lily says grandly and reaches across Remus to press her palms to Sirius's face, and very quickly, smacks a kiss across his mouth.
There is quite a bit of silence, and then:
"Can we just say I'm drunk?" Lily pleads. She looks frighteningly sober in the barely-clearing light from the sky as the rain starts to let up, and could not seem like more of Sirius-and-Remus's-best friend's-girlfriend-who-is-here-because-she's-a-mate-but-mostly-because-James-couldn't-get-here-from-Nigeria-and-Peter-was-stuck-in-Kent-at-his-grandad's-wake…all in a frustratingly attractive way.
Remus says quickly, "I'm drunk as well--twice as drunk!" and drives Sirius into the wet grass with his hips and tongue and teeth and those full, full lips. It feels a bit like heaven (a very gay sort of heaven) and he's just starting to enjoy it when Lily pulls Remus back from him and into her; her well-filed nails twisting in his damp curls, Remus's book-steady hands on her hips and one hand--oh, hello there!--groping for Sirius's chest and landing on his dick.
Things get a lot more dangerous (and you would think it'd couldn't possibly; not with your best friend's hand on your cock while the uncle you had sex with being buried and all of this happening while a funeral was going on) when Lily starts shrugging her way out of her dress. Sirius gapes at her. Remus, having already stowed away his sweater and trousers somewhere where he couldn't quite see, helps unzip Lily all the way.
"This is terribly exciting!" Lily breathes, clasping her hands together. She looks all of twelve for a moment, and Sirius thinks he's going to throw up until Remus grabs her towards him and shuts her up.
They're on their backs in the slowly-drying grass, faces turned up to the sky.
Lily's hair is spread out around her, her eyes bright and green against Remus's dark sweater. The butterfly clip James gave her two birthdays ago is sitting crookedly in her hair.
Remus is curled next to Sirius's chest, dressed in his trousers and Lily's best heels. He's got a hand on Lily's side, touching the last line of her hips.
Sirius, for reasons that are unclear to all parties involved, is wearing the dress.
"Not having sex with a relative is a good thing." Remus is saying contentedly. "It opens all sorts of windows to new horizons--nice, non-incestuous ones."
"Ones with people not from Cancun," Lily yawns. "Or interesting tattoos."
"For the last time, I didn't know! Mum never said anything about having a brother!"
Remus laughs, loud and unhurried against the bony jut of Sirius's shoulder. "We're gonna keep it in the family!" he sings (not very well, but not horribly). "Yeah, well, you know how we're on the run!"
Lily grins and Sirius sulks. "You know they're gonna want some, want some!"
Remus giggles. It's getting warmer and because he's not in the habit of co-coordinating brain to mouth, Sirius says, "Wanna get out of here?" He chokes as soon as he's said it because how much, really, how much is he trying to go to hell here? At this rate he'll have a reserved spot right next to the devil.
Lily helps him up, picking weeds out of his hair. "I'd like that." She smiles broadly and Sirius grins right back. It's the sort of smile that James doesn't get--flaring and unhidden and slightly unpleasant because demure smiles look prettier on Lily.
Remus says off-handedly, while slipping a hand into Sirius's back pocket, "Wouldn't you know it, I still feel a tad drunk!"
"That's awful!" Lily crows. "Terrible! We should go immediately before you start to cause a scene."
"Quite right." Sirius says, and he hustles them out of the parking lot. There are far too many things wrong with this moment, and he counts himself lucky that Remus and Lily are too busy laughing-touching-supporting-holding to remember them correctly.