Hi, Guys! This story is set directly after "Angels Take Manhattan". I always thought that the ending left something to be desired; afterall, River and the Doctor both lost so much and they should have been comforting each other. So, this cute little fic started rolling around in my head. River comforts a very vulnerable Doctor; hope you guys like it :)
River was almost out the door; she had nearly made it. She needed to get away soon or she was not going to be able to get away in time. She had told the Doctor that it didn't matter that Amy and Rory, her parents, were gone forever. But she had learned to lie very well and that was one big lie. It did matter; it nearly killed her to tell Amy to leave. It was the best thing; she deserved to be with Rory. They only belonged together. It had been even harder for her to stare down the angels while the Doctor had crumpled to the ground in despair. She had wanted to be right there with him, weeping for the loss of all the things that would never be. But she hadn't been able to do that; if she had, they'd both have been taken. So, she had been strong for the Doctor because he was always strong for everyone else. He deserved someone to share some of the burden even if he wouldn't admit it. She had piloted the TARDIS while he had slumped to the floor in grief and she had managed to hold in the tears that she so desperately wanted to let loose. But now the force of it all was simply too much to bear; she needed to cry but not in front of him. She was almost out the door, where she could finally run to some distant corner of the TARDIS and cry. But then he stopped her.
"How could you do this to me?" His voice was sad, on the verge of completely losing it. River wanted to run, to turn around and leave him. Avoid the pain she couldn't let him see and avoid seeing how destroyed he must be inside. If she turned around and saw the sorrow in his eyes she wasn't sure how she'd make it. But she knew that she couldn't leave him; though this wasn't the version of him that loved her, she loved him and she always would. She had to be here for him.
River turned around and looked at him, sitting on the jump seat staring at her with a look of complete malice and sorrow. "How could you do this to me?!" he asked again, his voice more persistent this time. It could go either way, River knew. The Doctor, though he would never admit it and only rarely showed weakness, even to her in the closest of their relationship, was extremely sensitive and easily upset. But he was also a raging storm just beneath the surface of his goofy and young exterior. He could either start yelling and cursing at her or he could start sobbing.
"I'm sorry, sweetie" she said, her voice low and full of emotion. "but you know it was the only way"
"The only way?" The Doctor asked, his eyes brimming with tears. "The only option was to send her away from me? Leave me alone?"
River's heart broke as she looked at him; she could see now angry was not the direction that he was going in. He was going to break and very soon. She could see it in the way his lip quivered, the way his big sad eyes filled with liquid.
"I didn't do it to hurt you…..you know that" River said, walking toward the Doctor. She wanted to reach out and hold him but she held back. If he wanted comfort she would more than give it to him but she didn't want to push it on him. "Amy was never going to be happy without Rory. She and Rory need to be together. Now they can be happy…..even if they are somewhere else"
The Doctor was dying inside; regeneration would have been a much less painful thing than what was happening to him now. His hearts were aching, physically and emotionally, threatening to burst from his chest with pain. He almost wanted to rip them from his chest; he was sure that it would be less painful. He could feel himself perching on the edge; there had been moments in his past when his emotional state had been so damaged, so painful that it had sent over the edge into hysterics. He'd turned into a madman, doing things to others and to himself that he regretted because the pain was so deep he couldn't bear it. Alone…alone was a very bad thing for him. But that was exactly what he was about to become. Amy…his sweet Amelia Pond was gone. She'd become so much more than a companion to him; she was the first person he saw in this face and he wasn't sure how to be himself without her by his side. She'd been with him the entire time he was this version of himself and she was his family. Now he felt alone…like an orphan with no home, no one to call his own. Even River was going to leave him; she'd said so herself. She told him not to travel alone but had said she was not going to travel with him. He'd asked to come with him in his weakness and she had turned him down. Whenever and wherever you want. But not all the time. One psychopath per Tardis, don't you think? It was a nice way of saying, no I don't want to be with you. He was cut off from the people he cared about so dearly. The only one left was turning him down.
The Doctor was always alright; he was a supreme liar. No matter how much he hurt, he buried it deeply inside and told people he was fine. He had to be the strong one, the one in control at all times. But now…with nothing left to lose, he felt all his barriers melt off and crumble to the ground. The tears that were brimming at the corners of his eyes fell over and began to roll down his face. He looked up into River's face, not caring if she saw the tears. They were there because of her and she should have to see his pain.
"What about me?" he asked, his voice breaking as the tears rolled down his face. He cared about Amy's happiness, he truly did and he knew River had a point. He would come to the understanding that this was the best thing. But today was not that day. Right now his pain was all consuming and he had to think about himself for a moment. "What the hell am I supposed to do?"
River's throat was constricting as she watched the tears roll down the Doctor's face. His pain was the worst possible if he was being this transparent. "Doctor…" she started, wanting to comfort him but he interrupted her.
"I'm alone…all alone now and it's all your fault!" he yelled, unspeakable pain written across his face as his sobbing began to gain speed. His eyes were red and streaming with tears and pain seeped from every word he spoke. "This is all your fault!"
River knew he was lashing out because he was upset but she didn't appreciate the insinuation that this was her fault. Yes, she'd told Amy to go to Rory but it hadn't been her fault that the Weeping Angels had come for Rory and thus taken the two of them away. "I told Amy to go to Rory but this whole thing wasn't my fault" she said as kindly as she could. She didn't want a fight when he was so upset.
"Yes it was!" The Doctor burst out, his face growing redder. "You're leaving me too"
River swallowed down her tears as it hit her fully; he was not only suffering the loss of Amy and Rory but he felt he was losing her too because she wouldn't travel with him. She knew it was because she couldn't; their time lines didn't match right now and she couldn't stay with him right now. He just saw it as a rejection.
"I'm not leaving because I want to….I'm doing it because it's best for us right now" River said sadly.
"It's not best for me, River" he said agonizingly. "It just leaves me alone….don't. Please"
The Doctor crumpled in the seat and gave himself completely to sorrow. River was leaving…Amy and Rory were gone. He was going to be alone and he wasn't sure he could take it. He put his hands over his eyes and sobbed so hard his stomach hurt. He hated River for what she had done, for leaving him. For telling him she loved him and they were supposed to be together and yet she wouldn't stay with him. He hated the weeping angels for taking his family away. He hated the universe and whatever powers governed it and made his life a living hell sometimes. After all he had done, when was it going to be his turn for happiness? If this was life, why couldn't he just die? Why did he have to keep on living?
He had closed upon himself when he suddenly felt something around him. Warm arms…..the feel of an embrace. A form of comfort and somehow it was touching him. His sorrow was so great that he just wanted to free fall into darkness, to that pit that swallowed him up on his darkest nights, the ones that he brought physical pain to himself to distract himself from the mental pain. But these arms, so warm and safe around him pulled him out of it a little at a time. He pulled his hands away from his eyes and looked up to see River standing in front of him, her arms wrapped around him, hugging him to her. He wanted to be mad at her, he wanted to push her away. But she felt so good and safe and he was just so desperately lonely that he had to hold onto something or he might lose his mind completely. She was going to leave him soon; for now at least he could hold onto her.
"Right now…..I'm right here, sweetie" River said, looking down at the Doctor was a small smile on her lips. It was an impossibly sad smile but nonetheless she was still trying to make him feel better. The Doctor put his head on her chest, turning his face toward her neck, taking in her warmth and the sweet scent of her skin. He wrapped his arms around her back and held on for dear life. He buried his face in her neck and sobbed, letting out his pain as he never did in front of anyone. So many nights be cried himself to sleep, or was left to wake in nights with tears dried on his cheeks. This, crying into River's warm chest, was much better.
River's heart was spilt in two as she listened to the agonizing sound of the Doctor's sobs. Still, somehow she resisted the urge to cry herself. Right now he needed her to the rock , the strong one. That didn't happen often, that he openly needed that and when he did she gave it to him. She held him close, reveling in how small and breakable he seemed in this body; had he always seemed this young? She knew she gave him a hard time for his young face now but he seemed like a child now, holding onto her desperately as if his security depended on her. She tilted her head toward his, putting one of her hands on the back of his head and running her hands through his hair. She lost track of how long they stood like that, the Doctor weeping and River trying not to. Eventually, the Doctor tired of his tears and crumpled against her, his voice silent, a sniffle coming from him every now and then. He got so quiet River wondered for a moment if he had gone to sleep.
"Doctor?" River asked gently, looking down at his head nestled against her chest.
"Yes?" he asked, his voice quiet and hoarse.
"Do you want to go to bed?" she asked. She was sure that he didn't want to sleep but he needed to.
The Doctor looked up at River, his big blue eyes sad and lonely. "Will you come with me?" he asked.
River's heart melted; this man had her wrapped completely around his finger though he had no idea. She could never say no to those eyes. "Of course I will" she said. She helped him sit up and took his hand. He looked so lost she held his hand tighter, pulling him gently toward the hallway.
The Doctor felt lost; his head and hearts felt empty and broken and sad. It felt wrong, being so weak around River but right now he couldn't muster the strength to be strong. He was so sad and just so completely tired. He let River lead him down the hall and toward his bedroom. He paused for a second at his door; somehow it seemed wrong letting someone in his room. It was such a private place. He had visited River enough times in the night but that was on her territory. This was different; he didn't know why he was giving her so much trust but he knew he didn't want to be alone.
River walked into the Doctor's room, pulling him behind her. While this would be the first time he would see her here, this room was not at all unfamiliar to her. She sat the Doctor down on the bed and walked to the bathroom adjoined to the room. She got a washcloth wet and brought it back for the Doctor's swollen eyes. When she came back into the bedroom the sight she saw broke her heart even more. When this was over, she was sure that she would have to pick up the millions of pieces of her heart.
The Doctor sat on the edge of his bed, holding the quilt on it to his chest as he stared ahead. He looked so completely lost and distraught that River was afraid he might have really broken this time.
River walked over to the Doctor, kneeling down in front of him. She wiped the wet cloth over his eyes and across his face, cooling him down. He hardly seemed to notice her and this unnerved her. She wanted to say something but she didn't know what would possibly be appropriate in this situation.
When she had wiped the tears from his eyes, River tossed the cloth to the side and looked at the Doctor again. He still seemed zoned out and she was beginning to think sleep might be a better idea than she had thought.
River reached down and began to untie the Doctor's shoes and take them off; he looked down at her finally, showing some reaction. He pulled back a little as she began to pull his second shoe off. He didn't say anything but his look was slightly alarmed.
"I'm just trying to make you comfortable. Is that alright?" River asked.
The Doctor felt confused. He should stop her; he should tell her to leave. He should push her away like he always did everyone and he could crawl under the covers and let himself drown in his sadness. But he couldn't manage that; he found himself nodding, almost not in his control. For once, he wanted someone to take care of him. He knew soon enough he would be alone.
River gave the Doctor an encouraging small smile as she reached down and pulled his second shoe off. She pulled his socks off before sitting up, scooting onto the bed beside him. She turned him slightly to face her, looking into his sad eyes as she reached up and untied his red bowtie. She noticed a slight blush creep over his face when she pushed his jacket off his shoulders; he seemed embarrassed by his reliance on her but at the same time he seemed grateful. That was always the way it was with him; he was supremely modest and always had been even deep into their relationship and he was fiercely independent.
River undid the buttons of his shirt slowly, pulling off. The Doctor's expression was still hollow and empty but his face was noticeably red as she reached down and helped him get out of his trousers. Left sitting in nothing but his pants, River noticed the goose bumps on his arms and chest.
"You have some pyjamas you want to wear?" River asked. He was looking at her with more intention and though she thought he might answer, he didn't. Instead of answering, he leaned forward, leaning heavily on her as he pulled the quilt around his shoulders. He let out a small sob and then tried to hold it back.
"Just let it out, Doctor" River assured him. It was so rare that he was this vulnerable she wanted to let him have it. Her heart ached desperately to cry, to mourn the loss of her parents but she knew he would soon be asleep and she could let her sorrow go fully. "I know you're sad and angry…I know how much you've lost. It's not fair you've lost this too. Do whatever you need to do"
The Doctor's face was buried in the blanket and her chest but she could hear his crying softly. River situated herself so that she was leaning against the headboard. She put her arms around the Doctor, holding him to her chest. She wrapped the blanket around him tightly and was not completely surprised when she felt him move closer so that he was sitting more in her lap than on the bed. There were small moments like these in River's memories; the Doctor was very vulnerable and sometimes he broke apart. She ran her fingers through his smooth hair, watching his eyes flutter shut. He had cried for a short time but even he couldn't fight off sleep that long.
The Doctor was going to regret it; maybe tomorrow, maybe later tonight. He would regret being so open. It would make him feel embarrassed and he would try to talk his way out of this. Some time, she would be gone and he would be left with another gaping hole inside him. But right now, with his hearts so open, feeling like it bled with each beat from how much he'd lost, he was glad for this. He felt warm and secure, wrapped in the blanket, his face buried in River's chest. For once his mind was kind and didn't remind him she was leaving, that everyone always left. For once he could just enjoy the moment for what it was.
…..
Sometime later in the night, River jerked awake. She was disoriented as she came to find herself sitting up, arms asleep. Her eyes were sore and it took her a moment to remember where she was. When she saw the sleeping form still leaning on her chest she remembered the pain that had brought them to this point.
She had waited until she was absolutely certain the Doctor was asleep before she had finally let down her own guard and had cried. She'd tried to keep as quiet as she could, not wanting to wake the Doctor but not wanting to move him either. Still, her sobs had shaken her body like she had not cried in years; luckily, this version of the Doctor was a deep sleeper and he hadn't been stirred. But his sleep hadn't been kind either; as she had cried and mourned the loss of the only family she had, she had seen the Doctor stir and whimper in his sleep. She had thought about waking him, but reality was no kinder than what was going on in his head; best to at least get some sleep.
Eventually, she had become so tired herself that she had drifted off to sleep, still holding her Doctor close to her. Her head sagged to come leaning on his and some terrible form of sleep had claimed her. She stretched her neck as she looked around the room, her arms tingling from loss of blood flow as the Doctor's entire body leaned on them. It had been hours now that he had been asleep and he didn't sleep that long. Soon he would be waking and she knew that it would be best if she was not here when he did. It would hurt him, she knew, but saying goodbye would be harder. She was going to be selfish and take the easy way out. But right now, she took one last moment to cherish the look on his face.
In this moment he didn't look like the defender of whole worlds, the keep of time or the oncoming storm. Right now he looked so vulnerable, but safe; he certainly didn't look 1000 years old. Times like these had always been some of her favorites; he was so different like this and it was so rare an occurrence that she took advantage of it.
His smooth, young face was relaxed and just barely visible in the cocoon of blankets. His long chestnut locks swept down on his forehead, his closed eyelids red from the distress of the past night. She laughed as she saw his mouth hanging open half way, the tip of his thumb stuck in his mouth. She had teased him about the habit more times than she could count but he was always insistent that he didn't do such a thing. River, I'm 1000 not 100…I do not suck my thumb! She could hear him now, the way his face would turn red as he argued. She would let him win the argument because she thought it was cute. She didn't mind his oral fixation, in its many forms, in the least.
Her heart was already breaking but somehow it managed to rip apart more as she detached herself from the Doctor, sliding out from under him and laying him down on the bed. He moved slightly but he remained asleep. She didn't want to leave him; if he were awake she would give him a smile and say, "Spoilers". But he wasn't awake and her face fully reflected the sorrow inside of her. She wanted to stay but this was not her version, not the Doctor that was fully hers. She couldn't love him yet the way she wanted to and it broke her heart.
So, because he was asleep and she was broken, she did something she wouldn't do otherwise. She let a tear slip out of her eye; she leaned down and kissed his forehead before leaning down and kissing the part of his mouth that was not occupied with his thumb.
"I love you, sweetie"