Helpless

written for the ABC Challenge (Fullmetal Alchemist fic) for the FMA OT4 livejournal community

By Kessie

Disclaimer - not mine, all characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa etc, Square Enix and funimition and they simply wont shut up lately-- I'm sorry.

Pairing - Maes/Gracia and hinting Roy/Riza/Maes/Gracia; … argh simply all the combinations of the OT4

Rating PG-13 ish I think

Summary - Sometimes Maes just cant stand to watch

#

They say that some of us just stay cause they cant move on.

That we have something to do.

Something left on this world which we care about and which we couldn't bare to leave.

And its true. But in my case it isnt just something or one thing or just one person even… its my whole family. And even if most of the people would think its just Gracia and Elicia, they are wrong. There are more people not everyone knows about, but they are in my heart as well.

They are my family.

Its easy when I watch Elicia, since she is the most oblivious of them all.

She doesn't know about the whole bad things in the world yet. Watching her get lost in her play or just listening to a story Gracia tells her before bed is something which I could do forever. And seeing her grow, learning new things each day is one of the things I always dreamed of, and I cant help but search for my camera sometimes, although there are no such things in the ghostworld.

It's a pity really. So many great photos lost….

I mean, can you imagine my daughter wearing a bunny suit for halloween? Can you? Cause there hasn't been a cuter child on earth, I swear! And that one time when she acted out a scene with her dolls, you should have seen….

Stop rolling your eyes. I can see that, even though I am a ghost! And its not polite!

Anyway, like I said, so many great pictures lost …

But that's not the only thing which makes me sad. Its also hard when my little sunshine suddenly stops dead in tracks and asks for me.

"Mum, what is daddy doing now?"

She asks then, searching my wifes eyes, who mostly cant bear to look at her at these times, although she tries.

"Daddy is in heaven. He is probably watching you darling."

She answers and I´m always surprised because I always knew Gracia didn't believe in such things. Maybe she does now, or she thinks its easier for Elicia, I´m not sure.

Its sad that she doesn't know how right she is.

But there is nothing I can do when she lies awake at night deep in thought or cries herself to sleep. She is a great mom to Elicia and never lets her devastation show in front of her, but at these times she lets her guard down and it hurts even more I cant help her.

How much I would give to just be able to touch her again, to dry away these tears and….

Sometimes, when it gets too hard she calls Riza. And no matter how late in the night; Riza always comes over and holds her. They cuddle and kiss and I´m glad they do have each other. At times they even add Roy, but they have to be careful, cause a man visiting a widow at night always makes people talk.

Of course Riza tries to take care of that when that happens…she has always been that way. Thinking. Constantly in control.

But its also Riza who stands outside Roy´s apartment sometimes, not daring to go in, it seems. She just watches from outside on the cold street and I bet she knows he is in there drinking himself into oblivion again, being as miserable as she is, but she still stays away. And at these times I want to shout at them both, shake them away from their stupid guilt trips, cause it wasn't their fault I died, damn it.

But they cant hear me anyway and so I shout for nothing until Riza leaves again, unseen by Roy, and goes back to her apartment.

Alone.

Riza.

She is the one who always tries to be strong, for both of them, for Gracia and Roy. She´d never admit it, but she needs someone to hold her and care for her as well. I can see her slipping sometimes, just when she thinks that no one is looking. When she gets that sad, lost look in her eyes and the always so well guarded and tight mask on her face fades for a second, leaving only the lost heart of the wonderful caring woman she is.

Often I stand close to her then, whispering little assurances like "Everything is going to be okay!" although I know she cant hear me and my hands, which try to hold her once again, just pass through her body.

I wish Roy would see it, but she has become so guarded around him that it hurts my heart. I think he knows though, but that didn't help that they grew futher apart.

Roy is another thing, though. Still with the alcohol and the brooding, something which probably never will change. Now there´s only Riza left to stop him and she tries, but she cant always be there. So it´s become more frequent again and even though I want to smash the damn liquor bottles into the wall, all I can do is watch and hope he wont get any bad ideas. I mean if he ever tries to… again… I´d…

Hell, Idon't want to think about that. Not now, not ever. He is still needed here.

Its true I cant really do anything, but I still try to split my time, trying to be there for them when they need me. Sadly I cant be everywhere at once and so its usually just one I follow around for a certain time.

Sometimes that´s different though. There was this day when Roy fought Bradley and when I stood next to him, cheering him on as he tried to kill this damn demon. When he caught a sword in his lung and lost his eye and when this bastard Archer attacked, I tried to be with him and Riza as good as I could.

But they werent the only ones I was watching, I was also with Edward and Alphonse. My boys. Yeah, I know they arent my sons but to me they might as well be. I watched them as they fought the homunculi and Dante and I watched how they lost. I saw Edward die and it was all that I could do.

And I looked as Alphonse activated the stone, vanishing, only for Ed doing the same for him afterwards. And never since the war in Ishbal did I ever curse the very fact that alchemy existed so much.

But then again if I had been an alchemist like Roy or Ed, I could have stopped them or made them see me, so I could have warned them or…

This watching was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Dying was nothing compared to that.

And now I´m still here, watching Roy trying to heal. Riza dancing around him, while Gracia tries to be there for them and Elicia as good as she can. Watching Alphonse, my god, I never dreamt of seeing him like this and even though he has lost his memories and probably doesn't even know who I am, I am happy for him.

But I also think of Edward sometimes. Where has he gone? Is there some sort of heaven, like they said in these old religious books I once read while I was still at school? Why isnt he still here like me? Am I the one who´s different and who isnt supposed to be here? I don't know and so I´ll just stay and watch. And even though sometimes this all gets too hard to bear, I´m glad that I am still here.

END