Disclaimer: I do not own Spooks. Kudos does. I wish I was Kudos.
AN: This in my first fic in the Spooks fandom- I normally write for Ashes to Ashes, but I was inspired by the scene on the park bench in 10.4. Enjoy and let me know what you think.
Ruth wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. Her breathing is shallow and unsteady, and echoes from the porcelain bowl in front of her. She hates herself, hates him, hates everything and everyone. She bends forward and heaves again. Dry retching.
This could have been morning sickness, she thinks suddenly, and her blood chills. He proposed before, she could be engaged to him now, married, with child. If she had said yes, if he had proposed at any other moment before Ros' death, she would be tied to him, to a man she doesn't know, keeper of secrets she will never know. Dodged a bullet there, she thinks.
Downstairs, there is a knock at the door. She rises to her feet, flushes the lavatory and rinses her mouth out with mouthwash. The pupils of her reflection are tiny black pinpricks.
She knows it's him before she opens the door, who else would it be? Standing there, half turned away, as though he's given up on waiting her to answer her door. She hesitates; wondering what would happen if she let the door slam in his face. Beg though the letterbox? Don't be ridiculous, Harry Pearce does not beg. Walk away? Most likely.
She never finds out. She steps aside and lets him in. He stands in her kitchen- she hasn't offered him a chair- calmly removing his gloves. His hands aren't shaking but hers are. She stands as far away from him as possible.
"I want to know why you said you'd stay if I told you to."
She has not expected this, but then she has learned not to expect anything where Harry Pearce is concerned.
"You couldn't have asked me this earlier?"
"Was it a test?" he asks and she can tell by how quiet and calm his voice is that he's angry, "Some stupid mind game where you test me to see if I'll chase after you?"
"No," she breathes, "I don't play mind games. I meant it, if you want me to stay, I will."
"Why?"
"It's a decision I can't make," says Ruth. "I don't know you anymore and I don't know if I can stand to be around you. So I left it to you, can you stand to be around me? Is there room, even in your professional life, for me?"
She sees him flinch and for some reason fury rises up in her, she could happily stride across the room and strike him.
"What else are you hiding from me? What other secrets can't you bear to face?"
"Stop it Ruth."
"Or are you afraid of me knowing?" when he doesn't reply, she continues, "Would it really be a good idea to keep this from me? Do you realise what we- what we could have been?"
"And what's that?" Harry asks quietly. "Enlighten me, Ruth. In what universe are we anything more than this?"
Ruth turns away from him, she can't bear to see the agony in his eyes. She thinks about Sasha and Elena and realises that there is no way the revelations about Harry could hurt any more than they do now, even if they were married. She's wrong; she hasn't dodged a bullet at all. The bullet is inside her, lodged deep within her heart and it hurts, it hurts.