An EVANGELION fanfiction…
THE UNANSWERED FEELING
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Shinji Ikari / Toji Suzuhara
Synopsis: The scene which I wrote as this one-shot happened after Eva-03 was destroyed by dummy-controlled Eva-01. Toji Suzuhara, the pilot of Eva-03, was confused about everything, especially his feelings toward Shinji. Reviews please! ^^
Disclaimer: The characters, either featured or mentioned, in this fanfiction do not belong to me. I don't own them, at all. I'm so incredibly furious about it ^^. Anyway, enjoy! And don't forget to give your reviews!
*****
Toji Suzuhara slowly opened his eyes, after a long period of unclear stupor.
All he saw was white. The fluorescent white of everything that surrounded him.
White. He never liked the color all his life, and there was no way he would change his mind anytime now.
The first thought that came across his mind was, am I still alive?
It couldn't be. After Eva-03 he had ridden just now was roughly destroyed to pieces, and after the entry plug in which he was located was crunched by the firm hand of dummy-controlled Eva-01, how could he still survive?
He winced in pain that was coming from his aching back; it felt as if a knife had just stabbed him from behind just now.
He cursed himself because of the pain. And of not being able to hold back the pain.
Panting, The Fourth Children turned his head aside, then looked at the table calendar that was located on the bedside drawer beside him. When he recognized the date of today, he realized at once that he had been unconscious for three complete days. He tried to move, but his body didn't seem wanting to obey his command. He tried and writhed, yet still he felt nothing. Tired of trying, he collapsed back onto the hard pillow below his head, all helpless and desperate.
He remembered this desperate feeling very well. The exact same feeling he felt when—when Shinji rejected him.
The unanswered feeling that he had in his broken heart leapt up when it felt itself being mentioned.
Toji sighed in hopelessness.
He had lost everything now. And there was nothing to hold on to, not at all.
He tried to clench his fist, but he couldn't feel his own hand lying on either side of him. They were all static and stagnant, numb and stubbornly inobedient to their master.
Great. Even his own body disowned him, he thought to himself.
Utter stillness fell on him, who sighed once again before closing his eyes unwillingly.
Then, all of a sudden, during the moment of silence, lashes of eerie images begin to appear in a frenzy in his throbbing head. Incessant images of everything he had experienced before this day. Everything he had undergone; the bittersweet of his aggravating life. Things that have come and gone seemed to return into him, and were now recalling the moments he had experienced with them, along with the consequences.
The boy saw fast-moving figures of people that were meaningful to him. He saw Hikari, the class captain, who had somehow made him feel accepted in the school… Kensuke, his ever-presentbest friend... Rei Ayanami, The First Children, whom he could never fully understand… Asuka Souryu Langley, that genius German girl, also The Second Children who considered herself as the best in everything… his sister, who was incurably sick in the hospital of NERV… Misato Katsuragi, the only person in NERV that had his best interest at heart… Kaji-san, the mysterious guy in NERV…
And eventually, he saw Shinji… Shinji Ikari, The Third Children… Shinji, the sweet boy with that handsome look and that introverted heart waiting to be opened and reached out by somebody… Shinji, the most important person in the world to him… Shinji, his best friend… Shinji, the boy whom he loved with all his heart and soul, now and forever… Shinji, his love, his bliss, his misery, his world, his life, his—his everything…
Shinji…
Toji stirred in bed beyond his order at the thought of Shinji. He gritted his trembling teeth as his heart shrieked.
The pain that was searing him all over his body hurt like hell, but his heart was injured even worse.
Memories of moments he had shared with The First Children surged through his mind, completely paralyzing him. He remembered the very first moment they met… Toji felt so stupid in remembering this, as at that time, he uncontrollably channeled his wrath at NERV to Shinji in a punch, even though the boy didn't know anything about it… then, he moved to the moment when he figured out that Shinji and Asuka were living under one roof… he clearly recalled how jealous he was when he found out… he also remembered when the two of them laughed together, sharing jokes and talks together, listening to the same type of music, reading the same books together, and, well… doing stuff like true soul mates do… and, how he vividly recalled the moment when they were sitting on the grass in the open field, just the two of them, watching the sun go down at one afternoon… the moment when he could finally confess his restricted feelings towards Shinji after a long time waiting…
Toji bit his lips in frustration.
Baka, he thought. How stupid you are, Toji Suzuhara.
The unanswered feeling throbbed inside his burning soul as the thought of Shinji overflowed his head.
The Fourth Children turned his head to the right. He was startled to see the figure of a lean boy with short brown hair lying down on the bed not far away from him.
God, he recognized the boy just fine.
Shinji Ikari.
Toji took a deep breath. His already shattered heart was broken into smaller pieces when he saw that his love was injured even worse than himself. His nose was covered in an oxygen mask, his eyes were closed, and tubes were all over his fragile body. Pitiful as he was, he looked powerless.
The Fourth Children wanted to reach out his hand, to touch Shinji, to at least feel the smooth skin caressing his hand… but he couldn't. All he could do was watch his love lying motionlessly beside him, unconscious and weak.
The unanswered feeling oscillated in his head, trying to break free from the hold that was hindering it to flourish back to life. But Toji kept it firmly guarded, no matter what happened.
Let me keep the forbidden feeling by myself, he thought. It is the last thing I ever wanted in this world.
At this very thought, he forced out a smile.
Toji took one last look at his love, Shinji Ikari, The Third Children whom he loved, he loves, and he will always love, as long as the Breath of Life is still inside his body, before closing his eyes once again.
In his heart, he promised to seal the feeling forever, without being afraid of losing it.
The unanswered feeling that only he could have in this world would be his only guide to hold on to from now on.
*****
PS: Ahem! Sweet but desperate, isn't it? I'd really appreciate it if you'll post your reviews about this fanfic after you read. Thanks a million!