If anyone looked at him, they would think he is fine and that everything is okay. They would think that the hit he received from Ogawa was just what it was, a normal hit. They would think that when he laughs and jokes, he is fine. But he wasn't.
Miyuki Kazuya was far from fine. Indeed he was laughing and joking like he usually did, but whenever someone playfully hit him on the shoulder, you could see his expression turning into sour one for a split second before he grinned or laughed. There was only one person that noticed his discomfort and little lie about his shoulder.
"I am fine."
He grins every time he makes Eijun loose his mind over a simple matter.
"My shoulder? What incident? Oh…that incident."
He laughs whenever he sees Eijun and Furuya arguing for who will Miyuki catch.
"Oi Sawamura, if you don't cool off you won't pitch in the next game."
But slowly his smile faded and he became harder with the words.
"Furuya, I told you to stop running for the day."
He was getting tired of smiling and telling everyone that he is fine.
"If you didn't pitch so badly today, we could have won the game even if it was just a practice game." He snapped and glared at Eijun, whose eyes widened as everyone stared at their captain in surprise and shock. Eijun was just joking, everyone knew. Miyuki's eyes widened as he looked at the brunet. "I-I mean—Sawamura—" He didn't know what to say.
"Though what you just said is right it still hurts." Eijun said looking at Miyuki. Miyuki gulped and continued the conversation till the end, Eijun not saying a word anymore.
Ever since Miyuki's little outburst, Eijun kept his distance from the captain. Everyone knew he was avoiding him and no one could really blame him. Being told that in a way either of them never wanted to be told would certainly make anyone trying to avoid their captain by any means. And every time Miyuki looked Eijun's way he saw him pitching either to the net or asking one from the second string to pitch for him.
But the tension just kept growing.
You are going to be replaced.
There was a little, quiet voice that spoke to Miyuki every time he wanted to tell someone about his shoulder. And he didn't want to be replaced. He wanted to play, so he kept quiet.
You are going to be left behind now.
He trained harder. He didn't want to be left behind now when he was weak.
Look, you pushed Sawamura away. What a useless captain you are, yelling at poor pitcher just because he was joking.
He called for Eijun and the pitcher came. They talked about the game and his pitching getting better. But he couldn't get those three words out.
You are pushing everyone away, Kazuya.
His eyes fell on Kuramochi, who was observing him before he looked away, his attention back on the field. And before he knew it he was standing in the middle of bathroom, his hands shaking as he stared at his own reflection in the mirror. He gripped on the sink, ignoring the pain in his shoulder, his eyes going over every little detail, every little change on his face. Dark circles under lifeless eyes, messy hair, a scratch on his left cheek after he cut himself with a paper, his pale face.
Useless
Miyuki shook with head, his hands rising to shut his ears.
Worthless
He shut his eyes, sliding down the wall and on the ground.
You are not good enough.
He felt his body shaking as he pulled his knees closer to his chest.
Your mother left you. You are a mistake.
He buried his head in his lap, his glasses long forgotten on the floor in front of him.
You are not needed anymore.
His breathing quickened, imagines of everyone laughing appearing in his head.
Everyone thinks that you are nothing but a joke. You are not real catcher. Chris is better than you are. You should have been in his place, replacing him in that rehabilitation centre, but you are here. You are a joke, Kazuya.
His hands turned into a fist and started hitting his head, trying to keep the voice and images out. He wanted them to stop, wanted them to leave him alone. "Go away…" he murmured.
Away? And leave you alone? No way.
The voice laughed and it made him sick.
Why do you want us to leave? You would be lonely and we don't want that. We don't want for our precious catcher and captain—he could hear mocking in his voice—to feel lonely when no one else is by your side.
"Go…away…" he murmured once again. "Get out… Out of my head…" he groaned and stood up, anger rising inside him as he stared at his own reflection in the mirror that wasn't him.
And go where?
His own reflection replied.
You are pathetic. You can't do anything right, Kazuya. You are nothing but an idiot for still being in the first string. Leave the team. You bring nothing but pain and problems. No one wants you.
"… Shut up…" Miyuki gritted his teeth.
They are getting tired of you and your schemes. You can't think of a right move to play on the field anymore. Coach will throw you out of the team and—
"SHUT UP" He screamed and hit the mirror, his own reflection.
Mirror shattered, Miyuki's eyes widened for a second before his gaze fell on his hand that was bleeding. The voice in his head was gone and he laughed. He won. He won over the voice in his head. He won over the demon that was staying in his head.
Oh if only he knew…
Miyuki's hand was getting bandaged by Takashima Rei, Seido's scout, who was sitting in front of him. Neither of them has said a word after Eijun escorted the captain to teachers' office. Miyuki didn't know how much Eijun saw or heard and he didn't partly mind. He felt happy now that the voices were gone from his head. And that was everything he wanted.
Kazuya~
It was a whisper, a really quiet whisper that Miyuki hasn't heard. He was now sitting on a bench, watching the team play and talk with coach about the game. No one asked him what he did to his hand that was slowly getting better. Even though he couldn't play, he could still provoke everyone with his teasing that everyone missed. They could see the change in their captain, but no one said a thing, thinking they would only worsen it.
You think you got rid of us, but you didn't.
Miyuki was lying on his bed, going over the notes he wrote before a yawn escaped his lips. He sat up and put the notebook on the table right by his bed before he took off his glasses and closed his eyes. A sigh escaped his lips as he slipped under his covers a minute later and turned towards the wall.
We will never leave you alone, Kazuya.
It was in the middle of the night when Miyuki started tossing around in his bed. He was sweating and panting like he was running from something, from someone. His eyes snapped open as he sat up, breathing and panting. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and stood up, wanting to drink something. And like luck wasn't with him, he had nothing, not even water.
Taking his wallet from the pocket of his school uniform, he left his room and walked down the hallway towards the vending machine. Everything was quiet, few snores heard from some rooms, as the lights were the only company given to the Seido captain. But he didn't mind, though the quietness was too loud. He laughed at himself as he looked to the ground at his feet, feeling pathetic after remembering the dream he had. If that was even called a dream …
"Miyuki Kazuya"
He remembered Eijun calling his name just one moment before everything went back years ago when he was still a little kid. When he still remembered his mother. When his father was still laughing and smiling. When they were happy. When he was happy.
"I told you not to touch that box even if you like the music it plays, Kazuya." His mother scolded him as she kneeled down and tried to pick up the broken pieces.
"I-I am sorry…" Miyuki stuttered and also kneeled down, wanting to help.
"Don't touch the broken pieces. You might hurt yourself." She said without giving him a second look.
Miyuki halt his movements before lowering his gaze and walked upstairs into his room. He closed the doors behind and walked to his bed, sitting on and took one of the books that he still hasn't finished reading yet. Everything was quiet before a crash startled him. He raised his head and looked at doors where voices of his parents were heard. They were yelling and it made him push the book away before he pulled his knees together and shut his ears. He didn't want to hear his father yelling. He didn't want to hear his mother yelling back.
It is your fault.
There was a quiet voice in his head. A childish voice that was similar to his.
"M-my fault?" Miyuki stuttered out and raised his head, yelling long forgotten.
Yes. It is your fault. You broke the box that your father bought for your mother. And now they are arguing because of you.
"N-no…" Miyuki shook his head. "Y-you are lying…" His eyes teared up.
I never lie, Kazuya.
He stood up and walked over to the mirror of his closet. It was his reflection staring right back at him, his lips curled up in a small smirk. "W-who are you?" Miyuki quietly asked.
That is a foolish question.
It replied, his smirk only growing wider. Miyuki shivered and took a step backwards, trying to turn away, not wanting to see him anymore, but he couldn't move his eyes away. He couldn't turn around.
"I am you."
The drink Miyuki held in his hand few moments ago was now long forgotten on the ground, spilled. He was sitting in a corner, far from the lights, his hands covering his head like he was afraid of being hit. There was no one to see him. No one to hear him talk.
"Please…don't fight…" were his whispers. "I will buy new one… Don't fight…" His eyes were staring in front at the stone in front of his feet. "D-don't leave…mom…d-don't go…" His body was slowly rocking backward and forward, his heart racing even more. "I am sorry… I am sorry…" he kept repeating, his eyes fluttering.
Pathetic
"Miyuki…?"
His body tensed when he heard unfamiliar and one a way too familiar voice coming from in front. He pulled his knees even closer, trying to make himself even smaller. He shut his eyes and covered his head.
You got caught. You are pathetic.
There it was again. The voice full of mocking as a hand slowly touched his arm, but he froze, not even daring to breathe. Go away, go away, go away, go away… He kept repeating, not wanting to say it out loud.
"It is okay…"
Okay? Nothing is okay! YOU GOT CAUGHT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HIDE YOUR OWN FEELINGS! Pathetic
He flinched at the second hand touching his arm. "G…" he stopped before he could say a word.
"No one is trying to hurt you…"
Miyuki realized he has been talking. How long was he talking? What was he saying? Why couldn't he remember anything? Who was in front of him?
You are showing your weak side to some stranger. You are stupid.
Miyuki shook his head. "No…"
You are an idiot.
"N-no…" he stuttered not seeing the person in front of him.
You are useless.
"…N…o…" he murmured as he choked on his own air.
"Breathe, Miyuki, breathe…"
No one would miss you if you leave. Go now. Stand up and leave.
"Take a deep breath till three. One—come on—, two, three and let it out—one, two, three…"
For some reason Miyuki was following like the stranger was saying. Breathing in—one, two, three and breathing out—one, two three.
You can't escape me, Kazuya.
He flinched at the voice inside his head.
I will come back. I always do.
"Breathe in—one, two three, that is right. You are doing a good job and breathe out—one, two, three…"
Miyuki felt himself calming down. The voice inside his head was gone—or so he thinks—as he slowly raised his head to look at the stranger in front of him. His brown eyes widened when he recognized Eijun, who looked at him in worry. "S-Sawamura…" he stammered out.
Eijun visibly relaxed. "It is okay, Miyuki…" He spoke slowly, Miyuki slowly processing all the words that were told to him and the words he said. Without realizing that his arms were wrapped around him, Miyuki stared in front before he blinked few times, reality hitting him.
"S-Sawamura…" He called him, this time his voice was a bit harder. "I-I am fine…" he managed to say.
"You are not." It was a simple statement that made the catcher and captain of the baseball team shake before he held on Eijun's shirt and buried his head in his shoulder. "You are going to be fine." Eijun's voice was filled with confidence and before Miyuki realized, he was crying. Eijun's gentle caressing and words broke him.
"I am here, Miyuki…" Eijun said quietly. "We are all here for you… You have nothing to be afraid of."