The first time he saw her outside of her tent, he thought she was crazy. He thought she was a Prince Yuki Fan Club member, bent on stalking him for a lock of his violet hair. Perhaps to put in a love potion, or to paste on to a shrine too creepy to consider. Her claim of living nearby was ludicrous, the Sohma family owned the land as far as the eye could see.
Eventually, through much garbled and flustered storytelling, her harebrained scheme was proven to be true. He found her in a tent, half dead from a fever and determined to live on her own, to never inconvenience anyone at any cost. At this point, he thought she was a lunatic, possibly pretending to be as sweet and considerate as she was to get something out of him. He thought that about everyone who seemed to be sucking up to him, and his thoughts usually proved to be correct on this matter.
All he could think to himself while she was worming her way into his heart slowly, without him noticing it, was how unreal she was. She put everyone ahead of herself, and would sacrifice anything just to see others smile. This outer, cheerful princess that she portrayed to the world was a miracle, unheard of anywhere else in Japan. He would have been unable to stop thinking about her even if he only ever saw the clumsy, sunny schoolgirl that her friends adored and protected.
When he first realized he was in trouble, was when he saw through the cracks. It was late, one night, and Tohru was up past her usual bedtime. Yuki never could sleep before eleven thirty, causing his famous sleepwalking and ruthless violence towards all who would dare wake him. Excepting Tohru, of course. Yuki paced quietly down the hallways when he heard the tiniest of sniffles, so faint that even his keen mouse senses could have imagined it. Had he? He paused momentarily. No, it was clearer now. Tohru sat on her knees, crying softly into her hands. He considered turning away, hating himself for intruding, and hating himself more for not realizing her pain sooner.
Slowly, the crying stopped. Tohru whispered to her mother, "I'm so sorry...I tried, for you. I can't do this. I'm never going to be good enough. I'm failing, I'm failing at everything. My classes are a mess, the Sohmas..." The Sohmas?! He started. What could we have done? "They've been so kind to me, treating me like family, when all I've done is inconvenience and bother them. I don't deserve this. I shouldn't be here..." His heart siezed in his chest against his will. Not be here? Unspeakable. Outrageous. He knew she had some minor self esteem issues, but to think that she didn't belong with them, with him...
He stopped himself. There was no point torturing himself with thoughts of something he could never have. Two minutes later, or maybe two hours later he heard only silence. She had gone to bed to sleep her troubles away while his were fighting an endless, bloody war inside his heart. He tiptoed quietly into her room, and allowed himself a moment with her. To pretend he was coming to join her in the bed that they shared, in an apartment just for two of them. He touched his fingers gently to her cheek, and smiled a bittersweet smile before leaving. She couldn't wake to find him. She'd never leave her door open again, to her room or to her heart.
The next morning, Yuki woke to a grilled fish breakfast made by his Tohru. Not his, he reminded himself. Not ever. He came down the stairs. "Good morning, Yuki-kun!" she beamed. "Good morning, Honda-san", he smiled back in his princely fashion. She turned away from him, hair falling in the sunlight, busy with breakfast and chores. He liked her best this way, humming softly to herself as she went about her morning ritual. He thought how wonderful she was. How devastating.
He thought only of her. Only how to someday not think of her.