Oh my I actually gave a try with writing ugh lemon (later) well a bit. I still fail at it... So yea. Well this might confuse you all for now but next chapter and so on is going to explain... what the f*** is actually going on, or you might all just get an idea what I just wrote about... Maybe. Well also point out any mistakes or stuff I should change to me ok? Since I wrote this while sitting in train and using kindle, not something I am proud about.. anyway.. Enjoy. ^^
Henry stares hard at ceiling, somehow it looks funny and he giggles, there is empty bottle of vodka beside bed and pack of cigarettes, one is lazily dangling from his mouth and creating trail of smoke in air, somehow it looks funny also. Why it looks like it is changing color? But his brain is to cloudy and it is hard to think, and thinking hurts it makes to think about things he does not want to think, so instead Henry drags in all the cigarette that was left and holds smoke inside of him, before blowing it through his nose.
It's like, I don't care about nothing man,
roll another blunt, yea
It makes Henry laugh since song reminds him of himself, it is funny at same time, but he knows he is starting to be hysterical, but once again who cares anyway? Everyone he knew is dead, or somewhere else, and who cares? Everyone left him anyway.. so who cares?
La da da da da da La, Da Daaa,
La da da da, La da da da, La da da daaa
He is now singing loudly, forgetting about everything. Everyone hates him, everyone fears him. He is crazy like everyone says, he is unstable, he is gone so low. Henry doesn't care. All he wants is to forget and be happy, even when happiness are fake from needle or booze. His hand falls of bed and lands on gun. Now, who wants to die from the Mossberg shotty? Henry thinks lazily, maybe he himself? Oh no no. Henry doesn't want to die even when it is tempting. And he wonders sometimes why. There is nobody left anyway. Why not? Probably because he deeply down is still waiting for someone who could help him, even when he pretends he never thinks about it. Instead he lifts gun and points at ceiling, handle is smooth.. Why it is smooth? Once again his brain runs all together and his eyes almost crosses.. Who cares why it is smooth? Instead he puts his finger on trigger.
Bang! Bang!
Plaster and bits of ceiling falls down, oh for some reason it looks like snowflakes. Henry hears someone banging wall opposite of him. He slowly turns his head towards it now bleached white hair falls across his face, Henry points gun at wall and lets his finger press trigger down once again loud Bang fills room, Henry hears someone screaming and then feet pounding ground. He wonders for a second if he actually shot someone, but who cares? Like people say he is crazy and insane. That thought makes him laugh so hard he falls of bed. Banging head against cold floor makes black spots dance across his vision, but still Henry cant stop laugh escaping his lips, tears are prickling from his eyes he lifts his hands to wipe them away, gun forgotten. But suddenly he hears another bang and white hair falling down. He looks at it, looks at his own right hand and notices gun is still there. He almost shot himself, almost. Without even thinking. Henry throws gun away and it hits wall then without thumb falls to grounds, Henry looks at it while slowly sitting up and for somereason he feels like gun is grinning at him...
I was gonna clean my room until I got high
I was gonna get up and find the broom but then I got high
my room is still messed up and I know why, why man? yea hey,
cause I got high
La da da da da da da da da
I was gonna go to class before I got high
I coulda cheated and I coulda passed but I got high
La da da da da da da da da
Henry wants to turn stupid player off because it is giving him headache, he needs to find needle or more booze to make it go away.
I'm gonna stop singing this song because I'm high
I'm singing this whole thing wrong because I'm high
and if I don't sell one copy I know why why man? yea heyy,
- cause I'm high
La da da da da da, La da da da, Shoop shooby doo wop.
Get jiggy wit it, skibbidy bee bop diddy do wahhh
Slowly looking around room Henry doesn't see controller and it is pissing him off, where the fuck it is? He struggling to sides goes to player and is ready to kick it with boot to make it shut up, but he hears door bell ringing. Who the fuck? What the fuck? Then he remembers about last night and someone some good looking man talking with him and agreeing about something... Probably sex... That's what always happens, sex, booze. Or both at same time. Henry grins to himself all of them all man, woman, but mostly man are fake bitches to him nothing serious and nothing he cares about, it is about getting high, getting out of mind. Making his mind stop from remembering someone and something. He walks slowly towards door while taking his shirt off and tossing it away. Why keep it when it would end up being ripped? And it was his favourite shirt anyway. Some times he ends up getting beaten or manage to beat the piss out of each other, depends who he is with, but who cares? It makes him numb, makes his mind cloudy. Once it happened outside somewhere at park or along those lines Henry remembers he was to blocked to care, and just went with it. But it ended with him choking whoever he was almost to death, but then both of them were hit by fucking lighting or it felt like, but who cared? Even nature was fucked beyond repairing, people almost every day ended dead or fried by lighting or other fuck knows what. Man he was with ended dead and Henry thought he was lucky, well if you call it lucky when you are puking guts up in the park. Without shirt and bloody lip and drunk as fuck. He remembered how he thought his so called mother would have been proud of him, in sarcastic way.
Henry shakes his head from memories that almost over took him. No don't think about it. He opened door and saw man not old probably 20 or 21 with brown hair and green eyes, nothing pretty, but nothing to bad. Without words he stepped away and let whoever it was since Henry could not remember its name into run down apartment.
"Hey, Henry."
Ugh he wants to talk, that's different.. somehow.
"Uh..hi..." and who the fuck you are Henry almost said before stopping himself, he needed to get high and blocked to many thought were in his head today killing him.
"Jordan, that's how you call me. And I see you are sort of out of your line? Drunk aren't you?"
"Like you cant see. 'Cause being sower's so overrated? Or whatever in fuck you want to call it."
Something sparkles in Jordan's eyes and he grabs my wrist while I kick door close.
Jordan pulled his shirt over his head while I roamed his muscular back, at least he was fine build I thought lazily, I could feel his dick harden under my touch. Jordan tossed his shirt over his head and slammed against wall, all breath left me but before I could catch it again his mouth was on mine. Biting my lower lip until I opened my mouth. Our tongues wrestled while we fumbled with belts and buttons on each others jeans. He reached inside my pants and gripped my cock firmly, making me groan into his mouth. I pulled away from him and dragged him to bedroom, while kicking trash from a way. Before I could do anything more he pushed me down to bed and climbed on me.
"Henry" he whispered.
"Shut a fuck up" I kissed him even when deep down I knew it was wrong it was always this way some part of my brain fighting me, telling me it was wrong, but once again I pushed that thought deep down and ignored it. I didn't want to know what he thought about me what kind of fuck I was and I didn't want to hear it. I knew next day Jordan would leave and that's it. And I didn't care.
Purple haze all in my brain
Lately things just don't seem the same
Actin' funny, but I don't know why
'Scuse me while I kiss the sky
Stupid player is still playing but I don't care about it now let it play. Who cares anyway.
Jordan's erection is pressing into my skin. I can feel Jordan slid down my body, trailing kisses over my collarbone, my chest and waits. He kept moving taking my pants with him. Somehow my boxers are still on, but I don't care as long Jordan keeps my mind away from thoughts that keep bombarding my brain all day I don't care what he does and how he does it.
Purple haze all around
Don't know if I'm comin' up or down
Am I happy or in misery?
Whatever it is, that girl put a spell on me
Jordan slowly removed my boxers while nipping my tights, I raised my legs and tugged his jeans off as well. Somehow no matter what I could not feel anything at all, as if I was toy and nothing more. Jordan lifts my head while taking something from his jeans pocket it is pill I can see, I open my mouth and let him drop pill inside, I swallow it, it taste sour and makes my want to gag. I can feel it going down my throat and my vision starts to get funny I feel like I am in boat on sea, everything is moving, Jordan kisses my hard and I moan into his mouth, some how I can feel whatever he gave me is making my hard, and hot all over. My mind is cloudy and that's what I want. Finally I cant remember what I lost...
I dug my nails into headboard as Jordan ran his tongue up the length of my cock. And he took me into his mouth. His hands shifted to my hips, holding me down to keep me from bucking against him. I feel like all my body is on fire. And all I could do is whimper at the feel of his warm wet mouth on me and his teeth grazing my cock One of his hands cupped my balls rolling the in his palm as he continued to force my cock deeper into his throat. I felt like I was close, somehow and black dots kept dancing across my vision. I tried to slow him down by gripping his hair, but he must have liked that because he moaned. The vibration of his mouth against me, pushed me over the edge. I cried out as my cock spasmed filling his mouth with cum.
He swallowed hard, not letting me go until I whimpered in discomfort.
He grinned up at me his lips slick with saliva and red. All I could do is sign it was hard to move my head. Jordan climbed up over me his cock leaving a scalding hot trail or pre-cum up my thigh as he moved. All I could do was stare, I felt like I didn't care even when he sucked my dry. Maybe that's what sluts feel? He pulled my mouth to his, pressing tongue past my lips I could taste myself inside of him, and again I felt like gagging but stopped myself. One of his hands gripped mine pressing into the mattress and using it as leverage to grind himself against me.
I moved my other hand between us gripping his aching cock firmly in my hand and rubbing my thumb around his slick head.
He screamed into my mouth as I felt his cum spray onto my chest between us. He rolled off me and got out of bed. And I just lay there like rag doll, used and not interesting any more.
All I want to scream at him.
What would you do if I told you I hate you?
What would you do if your life was on line?
What would you say if I told you I hate you?
But my throat is sore, my vision blurry. My head pounding. I can feel buzz wearing off and I can feel sickness taking over me. I feel like shit worst piece of shit. Scum. Something not deserved to life, I need to get booze, but dull my mind but it seems like I cant move. So I lay there in bed covered in cum and sweat, just breathing. Jordan simply puts his clothes off and leaves without a word. I am like toilet paper to people they use me and throw away. And I let them because there is nobody left to me. Everyone is gone and person I loved more than anything and still love is somewhere far away probably married with Snow and living happy life. I feel tears now slipping down my cheeks soaking pillow beneath my head.
I drop my hand down and blindly look for something that would numb me. I can feel box beneath my fingers and open lid, there I grab needle and bottle I knew would have been there.
Purple haze all around
Don't know if I'm comin' up or down
Am I happy or in misery?
Whatever it is, that girl put a spell on me
Help me help me
Oh no no... no
Yeah
Purple haze all in my eyes
Don't know if it's day or night
You've got me blowin, blowin my mind
Is it tomorrow or just the end of time?
No, help me aw yeah! oh no no oh help me...
A miracle drug is any drug that will do what the label says it will do, huh? And that's what I need now, miracle to forget al the pain and loneliness I feel. Because everyone left me because of what I am... I pull lid of bottle and wait till needle it is filled with milky liquid. I lift needle and look at it, somewhere deep down I know I should stop doing this. But I cant it hurts to much to remember and there is no whiskey or anything that would help me... I place needle against my wrist and push down, it pierces my skin but I don't feel anything probably because I am already used to it? I push till all liquid is out of needle and is in my veins I can feel it slowly running along my blood carrying it around my body numbing everything. Because it feels so cold, cold like me. Everything is swinging and I am feeling dizzy, so I close my eyes and prey to someone to make it stop make this all stop.. Because all I want is to go home, to be with him, to have mother and father and brother... and everyone else, to be happy kid I was. To feel loved and to feel like belonging. All I want is to things be back the way they were, but I know t is never going to happen because of the past, because of what I am... I've got nothing that's true …. No more. But the further I go
I wanna go home, but I know there is no home for me. Just this... I can feel myself drifting way into oblivion and I welcome it.
I wake up after while, I don't know what time it is nor I care. Lights are out so probably it was cut down since I never paid for it. I don't move. My arm is all bloody. But I can't think of a reason to get the fuck out of bed. Curtains closed, lights are off.
Am I alive or dead? God-damn I'm a fuck-up. But that's just me.. so all I can do now is lay in dirty bed in my room and cry for past I lost. While thinking about all the shit that made me wrong in my head, that pushed everyone I loved away... that left me all alone. I am so sick, so sick of myself. Of all this shit. All I can do is fall down to my own puddle of tears and lay like trash, waste of space. I have nothing left, and there is nothing left to lose...
All I want is things to go back the way they were before, but they were will...
I can feel tears streaming from my eyes, everything hurts so much.. I am cold so I throw dirty covers over myself and cover there like disease.
People are right I am insane I am crazy.
But that's because I just want my past back...
TBC...