DISCLAIMER: don't own POTC...
A/N: I wrote this twisted spoof with my pal Black Charity. Please keep in mind this was written when we were completely hyper and under the influence of Coca Cola. So we were not responsible for anything we wrote here. We did not mean to offend anybody who likes the included characters, but then again, we like them all and wrote this anyway so it doesn't really matter anyway. I promise my next fic will be for real. This was supposed to be but it turns out it's impossible with coke. (we don't mean cocaine) Enjoy and don't be TOO critical!
Chapter One
Jack blearily opened his eyes and blinked in the dim light. Though it was dark, it still hurt his eyes. Where was he? The last thing he remembered was swimming away from Port Royal towards the Pearl. He was on a ship, but why did he feel funny?
Jack sat up in bed, gazing around him. It took him a while, but he noticed something was wrong. SOMETHING was missing…
Jack looked down and was instantly freaked out.
WHERE THE HELL WAS HIS LEG?
He didn't know how to react. So he just screamed his frickin' eyes out. Really loud, like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
(you know what we mean..)
Elizabeth wrenched her face out of Will's grasp. "What was that?" she asked breathlessly.
"I don't care," replied Will, eager to continue their liplock. "It doesn't matter anyway." He started to suck on the base of her throat, but she pushed him away.
"I'm serious Will!" She shoved him back again as he attempted to give her another hickey (the sixth one this week). "God! Is that all you think about? What if Jack actually woke up or something?"
"Who cares about Jack?" exclaimed Will, his lust apparent. "He's so drunk that if he ever did wake up, he wouldn't notice his leg was gone until he tried to stand up and fell over!"
Elizabeth slapped his chest. "You idiot!" she laughed. "You're so ungrateful. Don't you remember he saved us!"
Will shrugged. "Whatever," he replied. "Are you going to go see what it is or can we pick up where we left off?"
"Pervert," said Elizabeth affectionately. She grabbed his hand and pulled him after her as she headed out the door. "C'mon, let's go."
"Only if we can – "
"Don't even think about it!" shouted Elizabeth. "God! I told you we should wait until NEXT month! You get even pervier every day!"
Will shrugged again. "But you still think I'm hot!"
Elizabeth was silent.
"Right!" asked Will in a panic. "I am still sexy, right!"
"I dunno," she said slowly. "Jack has been looking pretty fine, just lying there, y'know….."
Will looked around frantically for a mirror to make sure his face was alright. "NOOOO! MY sexiness is leaving! Don't go my beloved hotness! I'm nothing without you! I have no brains! I have no money! I'm only a blacksmith! Without my looks, what do I have! And to top it all, I'm still a virgin!"
Elizabeth looked shocked. "God, Will I was just kidding!"
Will looked humiliated, but quickly concealed his embarrassment. He cleared his throat nervously. "Oh, uhhhh, yeah, I was as well. Of course!"
Elizabeth rolled her eyes and smacked his bum. They left, FINALLY, to go investigate the noise.
Jack couldn't believe it! His leg was not there! But he felt it… this was so weird. How drunk was he? Well, his other leg was still there so maybe he wasn't THAT drunk.
Jack reached out for his invisible leg, maybe he could feel it. But then, he might be either blind or crazy. Probably crazy. He'd been like that for years.
He tried to think. The only thing he recalled was that he was swimming in the ocean but after that, all became a blur. Like what he imagined the inside of Will's head to be like. A big huge hole of nothing!
He was still trying to clutch the nothingness his leg had become when Will and Elizabeth fell in, Will trying to grab her ass, and needless to say, he was failing. MISERABLY. When he saw that Jack was awake, he tried to hide his hands, innocently, but again failing miserably, tripped over Elizabeth's foot (conveniently in front of him). He fell on his face.
Will quickly scrambled up, patting his face. "OMIFUCKINGGOD! My beautiful face! Is it injured? Did I drop any of my hotness on the floor! Elizabeth! Quick, tell me, did any of my sexiness fall off?"
Elizabeth sighed. "No, dear, your face is still as hot as it was when it was sucking on mine."
Jack suddenly felt sick to his stomach. Ewww. Gross. He could have spent the rest of his life without knowing about Will and Elizabeth's sex life. Well, their snog-life. (As you know, Will is still a virgin. A desperate one with an ego the size of his dick. Who knew how big that was. And judging from his ego, well let's just say it was flattering) (And who knew if ELIZABETH was still as inexperienced as Will, her being the only woman on a ship full of deprived men…..)
"Hi Jack" said Elizabeth cheerily, trying to ignore what the narrator just said. "How's life without a leg!"
"Well, it's probably the same thing as life without rum; sober. Even thinking about it just makes me want to go AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" shouted Jack, making clear he was not pleased about his missing leg. "So this means my leg IS actually gone? DAMN!"
Will looked at him happily. "Boy," he said, grinning like an idiot, which he was, "It sure is great to have two legs!"
Elizabeth smacked him. "God, you're so insensitive! How would you feel if you lost your sexiness?"
"WHAT!" shrieked Will like a little girl. "What do you mean I lost my sexiness! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He burst into tears.
Jack laughed. He loved it when Will had hissy fits about his looks. "Hmmm, hello! Can we concentrate on what's REALLY important here? Am I drunk or is my leg really gone? AND WHERE HAS IT GONE TO?"
"Oh, yeah," replied Elizabeth nonchalantly, patting the back of Will's head as he sobbed into her shoulder. "Jaws ate it. Fortunately, there is a way of getting it back."
Will was still sobbing and crying but he managed to say, "What about my hotness? Can I get it back? TELL ME, WOMAN!"
Elizabeth sighed. "God Will! You're so stupid! I said IF you had lost it! IF! And you're still as hot as ever!" She tackled him to the floor where they promptly started rolling around like dying fish, their faces glued together.
Jack seriously needed to throw up. Obviously, Elizabeth was NOT as inexperienced as Will was. What did he have to do to get some attention around here? He was the CAPTAIN, and his fricking LEG was not where it was supposed to be!
He pushed himself off the bed, falling on top of them.
"Oh, hi Jack!" said Will. "Are you joining us? I heard threesomes can be fun!"
"God, please strike me dead before that happens!" cried Jack, "Especially with you two! Can you just tell me how to get my leg back so you can leave and finally" he paused, disgusted with what he was about to say, "get it on." He cleared his throat, preparing to vomit any time now.
Elizabeth wriggled out of Will's embrace and stood over them, her face flushed and her hair going every which way. Jack realized that left him on top of Will, and scrambled off him with a cry of disgust. "Well Jack," Elizabeth began, "All you have to do is eat a live five thousand year old tortoise, and your leg will grow back!"
Jack looked appalled.
"Or," she continued, "You can, I dunno, hunt Jaws down, kill him and get your leg back."
Jack grinned. "I'll do that one!"
"Okay," said Will abruptly. "Now that we've got that sorted out, can Elizabeth and I finish snogging now?"
Jack sighed. "Fine."
He turned his back and plugged his ears as they went at it again. But this time he really did puke.
Chapter Two
Using an improvised crutch, Jack directed the ship south. To Antartica. For protection, Jaws was hanging at 007's crib (with his homies, man!).
Even after their snogging session in Jack's cabin (much to Jack's dismay), no one knew if Will was still a virgin or not. We'll just leave you hangin' there...(Jack had a suspicion that Will still was. The reason? Oh God - you don't want to know what Jack caught Will doing. Let's just say it involved...ummm...nevermind.)
And Elizabeth was off somewhere, y'know, getting experience.
Anyway, back to Jack (yeah, it rhymes - GET OVER IT!) and his missing leg.
Jack looked out to sea, picking his nose avidly. (HAHA, JACK, YOU THOUGHT NO ONE WAS WATCHING!) Well, he had to do SOMETHING while he was steering!
Anyway, the Black Pearl reached Antarica in no time. (How CONVIENIENT!) Jack, Will and Elizabeth got dressed in their Hawaii hula outfits and started for 007's ice fort. (It was really an igloo over a huge underground motorcross racing facility) (Yes, the Hawaii hula outfits were Will's idea. Til this day we don't know why the other two agreed, but oh well) We suspect that Will only wanted to get a better look at Liz's ass, cuz walking, for him, is work; and he wanted a reward for working: an uninhibited view of her ass. And yeah, Jack did throw up at that as well.
007's crib was incredibly useless because 007 is not cool anymore. (HAHA Pierce Brosan, you're going down, man! Down...DOWN! Orlando and Johnny will rock your crib into a useful place in no time. Again. HAHA!)
And it was invisible. The crib I mean. (Hey, dude; it's called a crib for a reason. 007's such a baby! Jack's like, the dude! And when Will's not having hissy fits he's pretty hot.) (Must stop trailing off...DAMN!)
Back to the good stuff.
Jack had hopped all the way there and was incredibly tired. But he burst into the fort guns blazing, swords shining and butts farting.
"I am taking over this igloo!" cried Jack.
"Aye avast!" yelled Will.
Jack kicked him in the balls. (How he managed THAT with one leg is beyond our sick, perverted imaginations)
"You idiot!" he screamed. "How many times do I have to tell you, it's 'Don't move or I'll unleash my flying monkeys on you!' " (A/N: To Black Charity's buddy Matias)
Will just stood there. He hadn't felt a thing.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"screeched Jack. "You ARE a eunich! I knew it!"
Elizabeth fainted, her las thought being, I left the eggs boiling!
For the first time, Jack looked around the miniscule igloo and saw Jaws, 007 and Spiderman watching the Superbowl. They hadn't even noticed the three of them, just standing there, looking like hula dancers with their swords pathetically drawn. (The drawings sucked. They looked like giant meatballs.)
Out of nowhere, Gandalf leapt out and said, "What do you seek, Jack Sparrow?"
He tried to go on, but Jack said impatiently, "CAPT'N! CAPT'N JACK SPARROW! And I'm seeking my frickin' LEG, you ancient RETARD! Can't you tell! Now piss off so I can kill Jaws in peace!
Gandalf smiled. "No Jack, I stole your leg!"
"Noooo!" screamed Jack. "You killed my father!"
"No Jack, I AM your father!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Jack again. "Wait a second, what the hell does that have to do with my leg! You're trying to change the subject, you retard with your fake cheesy wisdom! MAY YOU ROT IN HELL!"
Suddenly, Will interrupts Jack and says, "Seriously, who steals a leg? I mean, you could steal women, or money, but a friggin' LEG? What the fuck is wrong with old wise wizards? They're pedophiles anyway! Oh, and it was you that changed the subject, Jack."
"No I didn't!" yelled Jack. "This old fart's playing mind games! I just want my frickin' leg back man! Who wants to live as a fuckin' cripple when I can get my leg back man? I mean, DUDE! Where's my leg?"
Chapter Three
Suddenly Jaws pops into this little get-together and puked majorly. Luckily, Jaws has a controlled gag reflex and only Jack's leg came out.
"HA!" screamed Jack. "You ancient retard, you're a liar as well. Jaws DID steal my leg! And since you're a wizard PUT MY EFFIN' LEG BACK ON!"
"Dammit," muttered Gandalf crossly, "Blew my cover." He farted loudly and Jack's leg reattached itself.
"Wowwwwwwww!" said Will in awe. "Behold the power of the magic fart!"
"Ewwww!" squealed Jack, "You young retard!"
Just then, Elizabeth woke. "Tell me where is Gandalf, for I much desire to sleep with him." (If you haven't noticed, this is a modified quote from Lord of the Rings. Go watch the first movie and you'll find it.)
Gandalf wiggled his eyebrows and said, "Anytime, honey, my red light is always on."
Jack puked again, then jumped up and down laughing because he had his leg back.
Yay.
Epilogue:
Elizabeth went off with Gandalf, because Will WAS a eunich and she had a fetish for old guys anyway. Jack got his leg back and got Spiderman as his sidekick, leaving Will in Antartica.
Will left in an endless search for his balls.
Next episode: DUDE! Where are my beans?
Read it and find out if Will ever gets them back!