Missing
By Nicotine Gum
Standard disclaimers apply. Lyrics courtesy of Evanescence. I could never write a song let along one so nice.
a/n: A fic based off the song by Evanescence. It's been playing repeatedly on the stereo for the past three days now, and then suddenly when I was singing along to it for the nth time, poof! Inspiration struck me and this, the (horrible) outcome.
--
Since the final match, since that fateful day when you played the boy-wonder from Seigaku, I knew I'd lost you.
But truly, what was there to lose, when I never had you? You were never mine to begin with. Never was, and never will be. But it was after that day, I knew for certain, that I could and would never have you.
--
I glanced at the time-piece on the side-table. Another half hour to go before the operation. You should be here by now, you, and the rest of the team. You, the team, and the trophy. That was what you'd promised. That was what you said you'd do.
But fifteen minutes passed, and still no sign. I was getting restless by then, straining my neck out the window, hoping to catch sight of you rushing in with the boys hot at your heels, holding the trophy in your hands. When another fifteen minutes passed, and the nurses came in to help me get changed, there was still no indication you were coming.
And so changed I did. They put me on a stretcher and told me to relax and leave it all to the surgeons. Of course I would. Of course I did. There was nothing else I could do.
Lying there, on that portable bed, wheeled down the corridor to the operating theatre, I thought of you.
And then there were voices that broke into my thoughts.
"Yukimura!" they called, footsteps loud as they thundered down the hallway after me. My heart surged with hope as I scanned through the familiar faces, all staring worriedly down at me, and then it deflated as all hope deserted me. You were not among them.
"Where's Sanada?" I asked. Where could you be? Even if you never cared about me the way I care about you, you cared enough to come and see me often. You cared enough to treat me as a friend. You cared, at least. So where were you?
"Right here." They'd said, holding up your team jacket. I wanted to cry then, because I knew you cared, and it meant so much to me, but I didn't and I nodded and they wheeled the stretcher into the theatre.
The last thing on my mind as I felt the drugs kicking into effect was you.
--
You'd lost. You'd lost, but it didn't matter all that much. Not to me. Not when I'd lost something even more, because as I lay there listening to you relay the events of your match, I knew something was gone, even if it was never quite there in the first place. You were mourning your loss to an opponent. I was mourning my loss for you.
Two guesses who hurt more. Me, or you?
And after all that; after it was you who convinced me to stop with training and to undergo the operation, you who told me that the 50-50 chance was high enough a risk to undertake, you who insisted that it would not fail, you who believed so strongly that I'd come back and play with you…after all that…
It was only then that I knew I could never have you. And so I sing for you this song in the hope that maybe, just maybe, the words would reach your ears somehow, and you would understand at least, part of my pain.
--
Please please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And barely conscious, you'll say to no one –
Isn't something missing?
You won't cry for my absence I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing? Isn't someone missing me?
Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?
And if I bleed, I bleed knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
Awake without you there
Isn't something missing?
--
OHMYGOD I cannot believe I actually wrote something like this. –slaps forehead. –bores out eyeballs. And I even had the gall to post it up! I solemnly swear that this will be the LAST time I ever attempt anything like this ever again. Tell me, does the fic actually make sense? Because I have a nagging feeling it doesn't, not in the least.