Title: White Light
Summary: What Alyssa might have been thinking right before she jumped
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or the show Cold Case, like that is a big surprise to you guys. Nor do I own 'Name" by the Goo Goo Dolls
She looked down at the bitter waves below her. It was cold and she sat on the cement ledge over the ocean. She could hear the voices screaming in her head. She brought her knees to her chest and hid her face in them. It made her sad to think of her life, so she forgot, just for a moment, then it all ran in head again she just wanted to see him again. Because he was real, he stood proud and she knew, he was real when her world shook and crumbled beneath her, she knew, because he was the only one who stayed.
It was a long way down, for a moment she felt nauseous. And she could see the demons swimming through the water, beckoning her to fall toward them, she knew they weren't there, they were all in her mind, but she couldn't help feeling them, watching them glide through the water, sleek as a snake.
She wanted to be save, "Scotty…" she whispered, wondering if he could hear her. And when she said his name the demons, the monsters in her head disappeared and for a moment she was sane again. Her skin had paled, her teeth chattered, and her lips were blue against the numbing cold wind, but she couldn't feel it. She sang a little song, partly for her, partly for her sanity that was like a whole different person she couldn't control.
And even though the moment passed me by
I
still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought
you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you
never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away
And now we're grown up orphans And I won't tell em your name Scars are
souvenirs you never lose You grew up way too fast I think about you all the time
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But if you could
hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your
name
The past is never far
Did you lose
yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And
don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
And now there's nothing to
believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps
playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And
I won't tell em your name
But
I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name
She looked down at the water, the demons watching her every move. A tear fell down her face. She just wanted that light to fade, that light inside of her, so she could hold Scotty's hand, and feel the warmth he gave her. He was real she said to herself.
He was real
He was real
He was real
And flashbacks of memories she thought she had forgotten came to her like grainy home movies and snapshots of dreams came back… all she wanted was him, maybe she thought if she could just pretend he was here, when she opened her eyes he would there, waiting with his hand outstretched, coming to take her away from this place, take her away from the pain, and all would be okay again. She shut her eyes tight, crinkling her nose. She opened them with this child-like anticipation. She fully expected him to be there, when she opened her eyes. She looked around eagerly, but found she was still alone and cold, in her dark, damp world, all alone.
She thought about the letter that she had left him, neatly on her pillow, she talked about all she wished she were, all she was inside, all she was missing. She told him the truth. She told him what she saw on the inside, she saw them, fifteen, sitting in the light, waiting for it to fade, so she could hold his hand. Tears fell down her face, she lost herself out there in those waves… now all she had to do was surrender to the waves, let them fall up towards her rushing at a million miles an hour. She looked down at the loamy white breakers of the waves. For a moment she was entranced with them… she was hypnotized. She imagined what it would be like for her to be real, to be a moth fluttering away towards a distant land, where no one called you crazy, you were never hurt, you were never sick or tired or heartbroken. It was a nice place, where the kings bowed to beggars and love was always rewarded. No one was lonely. She thought the place didn't exist, but she knew, it was just past those waves… and those demons, beckoning her down.
It was all she needed; slowly she stood, turned, with her back to the ocean. Her hair was tossed every which way by the wind. Her hands gripped the rough metal railing as she looked up at the sky. The sun peeked out, bright and fresh for a new day, a day she would never see. Because she knew that there were some things in this world that you can't change, they don't make sense anymore. She had a hole inside of her a foot deep, a puzzle piece that was missing, she would never find it.
She couldn't help but think of what her life had become, a strand of days put together to make a week, a month, a year. And what had she done? Every morning she had woken up and found that she was in the same old apartment, same stale picture of her and Scotty by the bed. She would bury her head in her pillow and wish away the pain that she was feeling that was growing in her mind like a spreading stain. She would do the immediate stuff right off… pay the electric bill… but the frozen foods in the freezer, but the other things, the things that were small and shaped her life, she would wait on. She'd allow a book to fall on the floor and would wait till dust collected on its cover before picking it up…. She'd leave the non perishable food items in the paper bags and fail to make the bed.
The little inside voice in her that used to say "Turn left at this corner" or "don't forget to pick up the dry cleaning." Were now saying "I want to die." And "I hate myself." They were terrible thoughts she couldn't bare hearing. She looked down once more at the ocean and swallowed hard. The demons were beckoning her. She thought about what she had to live for… nothing, Scotty was gone, she had become another cliché crazy girl, living alone in her studio apartment, sometimes not coming out for three days. And she knew the truth… she wanted to slip off that edge. Without another thought she let go… of the railing, of life, of her sanity. She tilted back and suddenly felt the world rushing by… the sun warm on her face… the music still rushing in her ears.
And I won't tell em your name
And this is where we will leave her, in a freeze frame, a snapshot, a cinematic measure that will keep her from ever hitting the ground. Her face is turned upwards, her blouse bellowing outwards from the force of the wind… her eyes staring up at the sky… looking at the blinding white sun, wishing the white light in her mind… in her heart, would only fade so she could hold his hand.