He stalks away toward the Blackbird as
CYCLOPS and JEAN start towards the mansion.
They go up to their room.
CYCLOPS: Do you hear
something?
JEAN: Yes. I think it's coming from the closet. (Pulls door the open as many pieces of junk
fall from the top shelf) CABLE!!! I thought I told you never to do this
again!!!!!
CABLE sits on the closet
floor, sucking his thumb and holding a security blanket.
CABLE: (Trembling) But Momma, the gray blob under the bed
scared me again.
JEAN: How many times do I have to tell you, that's DUST! Now get back to your room!
CABLE: But I'm scared.
JEAN: Fine!
She slams the door shut and
finally notices her husband lying on the floor. He has been hit on the head by an old shovel that is on the floor
next to him. JEAN tries to wake him up.
JEAN: Are you all right, honey?
CYCLOPS: Yeah. What
hit me?
JEAN: It was that
shovel.
CYCLOPS: A thovel?
JEAN: What?!?
CYCLOPS: I thaid, a
thovel. (He suddenly realizes his lisp)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I finally got rid of thith when I wath 14! It can't be back!
JEAN: It's ok, you can hardly notice it. (Turns around and snickers) Let's go outside.
They walk outside while a
pissed off STORM is flying in circles above the Blackbird, waiting for the
doomed ICEMAN to come out of the ship.
All of a sudden the jet blows up in a massive fireball.
WOLVERINE: Oops.
PROF X:
Oh no, not again.
He hovers out of his office
in his hover chair, leaving his girlfriend, LILANDRA, standing in the room in
his favorite bikini. When he reaches
the Blackbird he sees WOLVERINE standing in the middle of the wreckage holding
the gas pump. ICEMAN stumbles to the
charred ramp of the jet, then falls and rolls down it, burnt to a crisp. STORM smiles and flies away as BEAST walks
over the wreck.
BEAST: Oh
my stars and garters!
PROF X hovers over to
WOLVERINE.
PROF X:
Nice job. This is the fourth time in
two months. Now we have to buy yet
ANOTHER jet!
WOLVERINE:
(Growling) Mention that again and you're losing another one. (Extends claws)
CYCLOPS and JEAN run up to
them, along with ROGUE and GAMBIT.
JEAN:
What happened?!?
PROF
X: Logan managed to trash the jet
again.
CYCLOPS: Thee?
Thith ith what I'm talking about.
He is so dangerouth… What?
PROF X, JEAN, ROGUE,
GAMBIT, and WOLVERINE start laughing hysterically.
CYCLOPS:
It'th not funny, you guyth. Thut up!
GAMBIT:
Dat's got ta be da funniest thing I ever 'eard.
CYCLOPS:
Look who'th talking. You talk
wor..worth…arg!.. more bad than thith!
GAMBIT:
(In a pure British accent) I can speak in a proper manner anytime I choose to
do so. I do believe that this is a
great deal better than you at the present moment. (He grins)
All of the people around
him freeze with a look of complete disbelief on their faces. CYCLOPS' jaw drops.
CYCLOPS: Holy thit!
GAMBIT:
Ya never gon hear that again, non?
GAMBIT and ROGUE laugh, get
onto his motorcycle and drive off towards the city, glad to escape the insane
X-Men. They decide to go to a
movie. After arguing for 40 minutes,
they decide on "Little Nicky". To
GAMBIT and ROGUE'S horror, CYCLOPS, JEAN, and CABLE come to it too and sit next
to them.
GAMBIT:
(whispering) Kill me now.
ROGUE: Me
first, sugah.
The lights dim and the
movie starts. Halfway through it, a dog
from Hell starts to sing.
CABLE:
MOMMY!!!
He jumps onto ROGUE'S
lap. GAMBIT'S eyes start to glow demonically
as the bucket of popcorn CABLE is holding blows up with kinetic energy.
CABLE,
ROGUE, CYCLOPS, and JEAN: AHHHHHHHH!
CABLE passes out and falls
with a thunk on the floor as GAMBIT smiles.
They continue to watch the movie a if nothing happened. As the movie is about to end, a woman with
blond hair pops up in front of GAMBIT.
It's his ex-wife BELLADONNA that is supposed to be dead. GAMBIT turns deathly pale as CABLE wakes up
and looks at her with terror.
CABLE:
(whispering) I see dead people. (Passes
out again)
GAMBIT:
BE…BELL, what are ya doin 'ere? (cowers in fear)
BELLADONNA:
I came ta take ya by home.
ROGUE:
NO!
She punches BELLADONNA, who
flies through the movie screen. GAMBIT
breathes a sigh of relief and walks down to the hole to look for his ex-wife.
GAMBIT:
Won't have ta worry 'bout her no more!
He shrugs it off and leaves
with ROGUE. They start to talk about
why all the weird stuff happens to them.
CYCLOPS, JEAN, and CABLE remain.
CYCLOPS:
What the heck happened here?
JEAN: I
have no clue.
CYCLOPS:
(looking surprised) Hey I think it
ended.
JEAN:
What, the movie?
CYCLOPS:
No, the… (Points to his mouth)
JEAN:
Really? That's great! Say something.
CYCLOPS:
What thould I thay…noooooo! (starts to pout)
Thith thuckth.
Both disappointed, CYCLOPS
and JEAN exit the theater, trying futilely to drag their son to their car. The next morning the X-Men are called down
to the meeting room to discuss their next mission.
GAMBIT: What do ya t'ink the mission is gon be this
time?
ROGUE: I don't know, sugah, but I hope it's short.
WOLVERINE:
I don't care, as long as pretty-boy doesn't fly the jet.
CYCLOPS: At leastht I didn't blow it up four timeth.
WOLVERINE: Ooooo, nice comeback. Or should I say nithe comeback?
CYCLOPS: Hey!
You better thut up or-
WOLVERINE:
Or what? You'll talk me to death? (Everyone starts to laugh)
Bring it
on. (Extends his claws)
CYCLOPS:
You know, I think I have to do thomething… (starts to back out the door and
runs into PROF X)
PROF X:
Where are you going, Scott? I'm about
to announce our new mission. As soon as
the new jet is ready, (glares at WOLVERINE), we will be going to Nevada to
infiltrate a research laboratory to find very important top-secret
information. It's right by a waste
processing plant, so I suggest you bring nose plugs.
WOLVERINE:
Damn!
PROF X:
You will be split up into teams of two.
The teams are: GAMBIT and ROGUE.
ROGUE:
Sounds good to me, sugah.
GAMBIT: Same 'ere.
PROF X:
STORM and ICEMAN.
ICEMAN:
Oh no, oh no, no, no, no, NO! (Hides under table as STORM gives him the evil
eye)
PROF X:
WOLVERINE and CYCLOPS.
CYCLOPS:
(Nervously) You're kidding, right?
WOLVERINE:
Have you heard of cruel and unusual punishment?!?
PROF X:
(Looks at burnt wreckage of the Blackbird 4 and back to WOLVERINE) Exactly. JEAN and BEAST will stay home to watch the mansion. We'll leave in approximately 5 hours.
The team disbands after
PROF X leaves the room. They start to
pack their travel gear, getting ready for the trip. Around 6 hours later, 1 hour having been spent trying to drag
ICEMAN out of the mansion, they leave.
When they arrive, they sneak towards the lab, as the air smells like raw
sewage.
STORM: I
have never smelt air this foul.
WOLVERINE:
Ack…cough…choke…
PROF X:
Oh dear, my X-Men, I've made a mistake.
The lab is inside the waste-processing plant.
WOLVERINE:NOOOOOOO!!!
(Turns around and tries to get away)
GAMBIT:
Dere is no way you gettin' me ta go in dere!
ROGUE: Ah
don't think so!
PROF
X: I'll give you a month's vacation
away from the mansion.
GAMBIT:
Make it two and we'll do it.
PROF X:
Fine. STORM, go bring WOLVERINE
back.
The X-Men, after catching
the sick WOLVERINE, go into the plant.
All of them nearly pass out as the stench becomes even worse. They split up into their teams, and try to
find the information they need. After
an hour of looking they meet in the center of the plant.
PROF X:
Did anyone find anything?
WOLVERINE:
We didn't find jack shit. Oh, I guess
we did, but you know what I mean.
ICEMAN:
Hey, what's that big safe over there, with the 20 armed guards around it?
GAMBIT:
Just a little obvious, don't ya t'ink?
PROF X:
Just go with it.
The X-Men approach the
guards who, as in all action things, attack the X-Men one at a time, and wait
their turn to fight. Soon they are all
unconscious on the floor. PROF X opens
the safe and takes out a lone piece of paper.
CYCLOPS:
What ith it? (He takes the paper)
WHAT! We risked our lives, put up with this smell, and fought like
crazy, just to learn what your girlfriend Lilandra's long distance phone number
is?!? Why didn't you just ASK HER!!!
PROF X:
Wow that's a good idea. Too bad we
already came. Anyway, let's go home.
WOLVERINE:
(muttering) So much for the smartest brain on the planet.
The angry X-Men trudge back
to the Blackbird.
WOLVERINE:
(glad to get away from the smell) Well that was a royal waste.
CYCLOPS:
True. But at least we were
thucthethful.
WOLVERINE:
What?
CYCLOPS:
Thucthethful, you know, like if… (sighs) Never mind.
WOLVERINE:
Dick. (turns around) Hurry it up,
Cajun!
GAMBIT:
(Giving him the finger) Bec mon chu. (turns back to ROGUE)
WOLVERINE:
You want a piece of me? (his claws pop out and he walks toward GAMBIT)
GAMBIT:
Why not!
CYCLOPS:
Come on guyth, we're all friendth, right?
WOLVERINE:
(looks at GAMBIT) You want to? (GAMBIT nods)
CYCLOPS screams as they
grin evilly and begin to chase him. The
ground explodes underneath his feet as he runs toward the jet.
PROF X:
Everybody get on the jet.
GAMBIT and WOLVERINE board
the ship after CYCLOPS runs on. They
both look disappointed. That night they
return home from the mission.
PROF X:
Come my X-Men, we must see if the number works.
He goes over to the phone
and dials the number, as the X-Men encircle him. Suddenly he grimaces.
ICEMAN:
What?!?
PROF X:
It says it's out of order.
The X-Men try to chase him
around the mansion, but his hover-chair is too fast. They stop when they see a note from Lilandra of the fridge. PROF X reads it.
PROF X:
NOOOOOO!
CYCLOPS:
What ith it, profethor? Ith thomething
wrong?
PROF
X: Lilandra's gone off with Evil Bob!
ICEMAN:
AKA the Brain Cell, right?
GAMBIT:
Oh no, not again. (shakes his head)
PROF X:
We must go look for her. GAMBIT, ROGUE,
your vacation time has been revoked.
GAMBIT
and ROGUE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GAMBIT throws a whole deck
of charged cards at PROF X. The chair
goes down in flames.
PROF X:
YOU BROKE MY MASSAGE CHAIR!
CYCLOPS:
Oh, now he'th in for it. The mathage
chair ith more valuable to the profethor than Lilandra.
WOLVERINE:
Would you please just STOP TALKING! You're spitting everywhere.
CYCLOPS:
Thcrew you, ath.
WOLVERINE:
Can't even say that right. Yuck.
WOLVERINE leaves the room,
and the other X-Men follow. The next
day they leave for Lilandra's spaceship.
While they're flying…
ICEMAN:
Uh, professor? I need to go to the
bathroom really bad.
Okay, so after a potty
break they leave for space.
CYCLOPS:
I think you thould know that there ith a wathroom on thith vethel.
PROF X: I
have no idea what you just said. Oh my,
there's a washroom on the jet!
CYCLOPS:
That'th what I jutht thaid!
PROF X:
What?
CYCLOPS storms away as
CABLE approaches JEAN.
CABLE:
Mommy…I need to go to the bathwoom.
JEAN:
Didn't I tell you…(sighs) There's one over there.
CABLE runs into it. Two minutes later they hear a flush and a
thunk. Everyone runs to the door and
they open it, finding CABLE stuck halfway down the toilet.
JEAN: My God! CYCLOPS, land the jet!
CYCLOPS:
Why?
JEAN:
JUST DO IT!!!!! (ship shakes)
CYCLOPS:
(trembling) Yeth, dear.
He lands the jet and PROF X
calls a professional crane company to get CABLE out. Then he calls the well-known number of the jet makers and orders
yet another Blackbird. The crane people
come and have to rip the roof off of the jet and, three hours and six cranes
later, they get CABLE out.
PROF X:
(tear runs down cheek) My precious jet…for the 5th time.
WOLVERINE:
Damn, this broke my streak.
They wait around for a week
while the new jet is built. PROF X
becomes ecstatic when his massage/hover chair is repaired. When the Blackbird 6 is ready they start off
for the 3rd time towards Lilandra's ship. When they get there they see a sign on the door. It reads: "Will be back in 10 days".
GAMBIT:
Dere's no way I'm goin' ta stay 'ere for 10 days.
PROF X:
Neither am I.
CYCLOPS:
(hopefully) Doeth thith mean we get to fly back to the thchool?
PROF X:
No. We're going after her.
CYCLOPS,
GAMBIT, ROGUE, JEAN, CABLE, ICEMAN, AND STORM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
PROF X:
Let us go. NOW. (They blast off) Oh yes the bathroom isn't working.
ICEMAN walks up.
ICEMAN:
Uh, professor…
END PART 1
