Big green eyes gaze out the window at a tree. The autumn winds are shaking the leaves free from the thin brown twigs. They turn and twist and make a song through the air, not like scratching but an earthy hum, a rattle; its own sweet music. Earth's music.
Her fingers are hidden behind fabric. Cloth. A proverbial stone wall. She has to wear them so she won't hurt anyone. She hates that thought.
That she can hurt someone and not want to. It's like having someone take over your mind and make you kill your family.
She hates it. More than anything she wants to use a knife and peel off her skin so she can't hurt anyone anymore. Just take it all off. But she can't. Even the deeper thought of it is too gruesome. She can only survive the fleeting glimpses of it in her mind.
She hates it though.
Jean is talking in the background. To Logan.
Logan is back. For a little while. He had gone to look for himself like he was prone to do, but now he was back. Rogue likes to think that he came back for her.
She knows the truth.
She knows he came back for Jean. To see if she and Scott were over. But they aren't.
Rogue wishes they were. So Logan and Jean could be together and she would stop having to wonder if he really was coming back for her or for Jean. Because if Logan and Jean were together then she would know that Jean was the reason he came back.
Rogue wouldn't fear this false hope. Even if she did love the thought of it. Love the idea that maybe he did come back for her. At least just a little.
Scott's up against the wall watching them talk. Rogue doesn't have to look to see that. He's always watching Jean and Logan when they're together. He's so self-conscious about himself. He's always ready for Jean to do something… to hurt him.
Rogue doesn't think that's the way a relationship should be. Where one person is waiting for the other to hurt them. To fail. But then again, that's how she and Logan are. In her own relationship with him, she's waiting for him and Jean to kiss. To join bodies and minds and souls. For him to leave her.
Then again, he's only a fantasy. A glimpse of what might have or could have or should have happened.
No.
Not should have.
They should never be together. If they ever were it would end. And Rogue would break. She knew this… knows it. She doesn't want to be broken.
So she just hopes that it could happen, but not that it actually would. She just likes the idea of it. That the hope is still there.
She's looking at the tree. Seeing the tree. Feeling as if she wants to be the tree. People can touch the tree and feel its warmth. Even in the winter it's warm.
She's always cold. Rogue is cold because she can't be touched. Doesn't need to be. Sometimes doesn't want to.
But that's the difference. This want is different from with Logan. She likes the hope that maybe she will be touched. Not just that she can be.
She stands up, her red hair falling from the sofa back to hers as she does. It startles Scott. Not that she has red hair or that she stood, but that she did so at that time and that for some reason her hair looks so much like fire and the sun.
She walks outside to the tree. The tree that is warm and can be touched. And Rogue takes off her glove and places her fingers hesitantly against the rough bark. Her eyes are glazed over with her hearts greatest desire. She is gone from this world trying to be in another.
Where she can be a tree.
She feels the grooves of it and the shape of the knots and the grain. She wants to absorb the tree, become it, be taken into the shape of the tree. She wants to be able to be touched. To feel another human want to hold her.
She wishes she could be held. She was never hugged. Held. That's why she's so cold. Because she is dead. She could never run to her mother and hug her. Never. No one.
She's not empty though. But that makes her sad. She wants to be empty. So if she breaks, nothing can come out.
Scott walks outside but doesn't catch her attention. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to wake her up. This is the best dream she's ever had.
Jean looks over. Scott isn't watching her anymore. Something's wrong.
Logan looks over. Jean isn't talking anymore. She's watching Scott. She never watches Scott, something's different. He sees Rogue. Marie. Little lost Marie. The girl he had helped raise since he met her that one day.
She's so tall now. She's beautiful, but she's like his daughter. He's proud of her. He feels bad because he could never hold her. Except for that one day. When she was almost gone completely. When he held her for the longest time that anyone has ever held her.
He sometimes regrets doing that. He feels like he gave her a present no one can ever give her again.
But she deserved someone holding her.
Scott stops beside her and watches as her eyes look over the tree.
She looks over at him. She is surprised that he is looking at her. She looks back to Jean and Logan. Jean is looking at her. Probing her mind. Rogue drops to her knees and covers her ears as if that will keep the telepath out. But it can't and Jean keeps looking.
For what, Rogue doesn't know. But there are things she wants to keep away from Jean.
In seconds Jean is gone and Rogue can breathe again. She did a good job hiding everything. All Jean saw were things like what Rogue had for breakfast and conversations she had had that day. Rogue looks up. Scott is scolding Jean. Logan is just looking at her… confused.
Jean shakes her head as if waking from a reverie and walks away. She's such an actress. She was angry.
Rogue doesn't like Jean. Jean's too self-centered. Jean doesn't like it when Scott isn't watching her. But doesn't like that he doesn't trust her. She doesn't like knowing that Logan comes back for Rogue too.
Rogue doesn't like Jean because she's too perfect. Too pretty. Too knowledgeable. She's too fake. Rogue doesn't like fake.
Rogue is surprised because Scott didn't follow Jean. He is still beside her, touching her shoulder where her shirt is. Trying to help her up. She can't put her hand in his because her glove is off. But something makes her want to.
But where is Logan? Shouldn't Logan come to her rescue? Something is wrong here. She looks back and Logan has gone. He had gone after Jean.
All of a sudden Rogue is dizzy. Why is it that now Scott is there beside her while Logan is running to Jean? Shouldn't it be different? Shouldn't she at least be alone? Shouldn't Scott have left her too?
Scott's saying something and now everything is catching up to her. Rogue can feel the present rush onto her like waves of the ocean. She's nauseous. Time had been going to slow for too long and now the speed is making her sick. Confused. Lost.
She touches the first thing she can find and starts to feel tears in her eyes. She can see things but doesn't know what they are. She runs somewhere. As fast as she can.
What had happened? Why was she moving so slow seconds ago? What had happened? She's on her knees again. She feels her cheeks growing wetter and wetter. It's raining. She's surrounded by tall grass. She's in the front of the school. But why? How did she get here? Her head feels so heavy. And now everything is black.