She needed to be alone. Absolutely alone. Away from everyone. Away from this celebration.
It had been a year since Ned Stark's death and not a moment passed by without Sansa missing him. Her father's death had been a harsh reality check for her.
A year without her father had taught her a lot, how to fake smiles, how to wear a mask, how to appear strong and unaffected by people's words. She learned how to read people… to read the meaning and motives behind their sly smiles and kind words. Most of all she learned to pick out the true intentions behind every move they made.
A year had taught her that her mother wasn't invincible, that her hero and big brother, Robb, couldn't fix everything, that Arya was not as tough as she pretended to be, that Bran will never be the same again and that Rickon might never really remember their dad once he's all grown up.
The gala, she was trying to escape was thrown in her childhood home, at Winterfell. It was in Robb and Myrcella's honour. With Ned Stark gone, Robb had been trying his best to make sure their family's political position and their responsibilities to the people of the North were carried out as smoothly as possible.
He gave up on his dreams for the family legacy. Their mother was doing her best to be there for all of them, to raise Rickon and Bran and to ensure that Robb made the right decisions. However, it was proving hard given how the Boltons, Lannisters and Freys were hell bent on making things difficult for them.
There was nothing joyous about this celebration, Robb and Myrcella were being forced into a marriage due to mutual political benefits. Their union ensured that the Starks carried out their political autonomy in the North without any problems from the southern government. It meant that they had less enemies to worry about, Tywin Lannsiter was the new prime minister after all, and this was the best deal they could get right now to ensure peace in Westeros.
However, seeing Robb and Myrcella's faces, she couldn't help but wonder if it was all really worth it? She knew Robb was forced to break up with Talisa and that Myrcella had been in love with Trystane Martell.
As she passed various people she heard several comments...
"She's blushing, must have been something he whispered in her ear. So cute." A girl she didn't know was fawning over the "happy" couple.
"Wow! How is she even carrying that big gown?" Another one chimed in.
"They look so perfect together."
She knew that Robb merely looking good and happy with Myrcella was the only thing that truly mattered. Their smiles were fake and their affectionate gestures were just for the camera and paparazzi. Their expensive clothes were especially coordinated by an event planner hired by Cersei with instructions to match everything with the theme of the gala, even the rings were picked by others. Their dance was designed to appear "spontaneous" so that they portray a picture of the perfect couple who was in love. The statements they gave to the media were rehearsed and pre-written for them.
Everything was a lie, this engagement party and the Lannsiters' enthusiasm. Everyone knew why they were here. Lannsiters were immensely unpopular in the North, the current Lannister government wanted to secure the largest province in Westeros, to make sure that the North won't rebel against it. For that they needed the Starks' support and this "marriage" was the key to all of it.
"How very convenient that this marriage solves all the issues", An older woman mocked in a hushed tone to her group of friends and they all shared a hearty laugh.
It was loud enough for Sansa to hear as she was making her way towards the exit.
Once Sansa used loved social gathering like this one but that was before she had seen the ugly reality. Today, she hated to be in the same room as Joffrey, after how he had treated her in their brief relationship but she knew why this deal was important. She hated Mr. Baelish's suggestive remarks and dirty gaze but realised it was better to have him at their side then against them. She hated Ramsay Bolton's constant attempts at "getting to know her" but understood she needed to remain polite as he was a guest.
Once outside the hall, she sighed with relief, it was chilly but she welcomed the cold. She was a Stark of the North, cold didn't bother her. She decided to go to the balcony on the opposite end of her house, opting to get as far away from the warm, suffocating celebration as she could.
Quietly stepping outside, Sansa closed her eyes and took a deep breath in the frosty atmosphere of the night. Cigarette smoke instantly engulfed her senses and she realised she wasn't alone. It took her eyes some time to adjust to the darkness and the dim light, but she instantly knew Jon was there. It made sense, he always disdained parties like these and was the only Stark who smoked other than Theon.
Jon Snow had once been her adopted brother, who later turned out to be her cousin. It didn't matter though, people didn't know Jon was their cousin, nobody knew, except for the Starks of course, and they hoped to keep it that way for as long as possible.
She waited a few seconds for him to acknowledge her. If Jon had noticed, he gave no indication and kept smoking near the corner of the balcony. She took a few steps to stand near the reeling next to Jon, not bothering to cover the click of her heels as she walked, to alert him of her presence.
Still no reaction. Jon didn't say anything and kept smoking.
Silence in Jon's company was always daunting for some reason, it used to make her nervous when they were young and it still did. They never really talked... ever. She and Jon were the most distant out of all the Starks. So, Sansa chose instead to reflect on how she ended up in this mess in the first place.
I never know what to say to him or how to say it.
Looking back now, Sansa never knew what to say when they were young and she had realised for the first time that her mother treated him differently.
A memory she mulls over quite often, resurfaced again...
"What are you thinking?", a 5 year old Jeyne asked her.
"I think Jon is being a naughty boy, that's why mother is so upset with him, she asked us all not to play with him", she confided, "But I don't know what he has done? He's always so nice."
"You should stop playing with him then", Jeyne spoke from her wisdom, "my mother says that mums always know better. You should listen to your mum."
She remembers she never liked how her mum used to behave with him but Cat was her mother so she thought there must have been a genuine reason. Sansa, being the obedient daughter tried to play with him less and less. She never had the heart to actually tell him why. Sansa just started avoiding him with no explanation and that was the start of it all. She still wishes she hadn't done that... The distance she created as children only increased over time.
Talking to Jon became even more difficult over the years as she realised that her mother was always upset with him, unfairly so. Realised that he was their adopted brother and it meant not really her brother, at least that's what Jeyne and Beth told her.
"My brother said that adopted siblings are not real siblings." Beth told her.
"That's so rude. Jon is our brother, he is family." 7 year old Sansa defended.
"Yeah but, he's someone else's son, so not really your brother." Jeyne explained.
Well don't let Arya hear you say that or she'll break all your dolls! Sansa thought annoyed with her friends, maybe she should let Arya break their dolls. She wanted to snap back with curt response of her own but Beth and Jeyne were letting her be the princess this time so she kept quiet instead, to not spoil their moods and the game.
Later she heard rumours about him actually being Ned Stark's son with another woman. A proof that he wasn't honourable and faithful to her mother. Her father always refused to talk about Jon's real parents, which fueled the gossips. Sansa hated the rumours because they used to upset her mother a lot, then her mother would vent that anger at Jon and Jon would sulk forever. She remembered how he tried to just... disappear, pretended to be invisible as if he was trying to vanish under her mother's gaze. Sansa didn't want him to vanish.
Growing up there were times she wished she could be as open in her affection towards him as the rest of her siblings were but something always held her back, maybe she did it to please her mother or maybe she did it because it was easy that way.
Over the years, there were days Sansa wanted to run her hands in those dark curls, sometimes she wished to make that sad smile go away from his awkward face, she wanted him to join them countless times when they were all playing princesses and knights but somehow never got the courage to actually ask him. He would quietly observe her with those soulful grey eyes, sulking in the corner, looking at her while she was being the centre of attention in a room and Sansa just had to look away... Every. Single. Time.
I was never good at holding his gaze.
She did not know what to say to him when Ned Stark finally told everyone in the family, truth about who Jon's biological parents were. That day her mother had been shouting, screaming and asking Ned to throw Jon out because he was responsible for Bran's awful fall, saying he was meant to check on Bran and he failed in his responsibility.
"MY SON IS IN A COMA BECAUSE OF YOU, WE GAVE YOU SHELTER, A HOME AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY US!"
"Cat that's enough!"
"YOU! Why wasn't it you who fell! Leave! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LOOK AFTER THEM, LEAVE THIS HOUSE! Don't show me your face ever again!"
Technically Jon, Robb and Theon were told to keep an eye on Bran and Rickon as they played outside, but her mother had only blamed Jon for that incident. It was then, right there when Ned Stark told them all who Jon's mother and father were. Sansa knew that Cat was just heart broken over Bran's condition, surely, her mother didn't truly want Jon to leave the house... but still Ned's confession had shocked everyone into an eerie silence.
"Jon is my blood, he is my nephew, he is like my son and he will stay right here , in Winterfell, with ME!", Ned Stark made it clear with no room to discuss it further.
Her father rarely lost his temper but when he did, nobody in the family questioned him.
Sansa would never forget that haunted look on Jon's face, how he was trying to be brave and not let the tears fall. Her mother had left the room and her dad had patiently explained everything to Jon, how aunt Lyanna had run away with a powerful drug dealer and gang leader, Rhaegar Targaryen. How Lyannna had begged her brother to keep Jon's identity a secret from the Targaryens and never let Jon get involved in the life of crime that his father lead. The Targaryens, an international crime family, had many enemies, people who would want Jon dead for many reasons. So, Ned Stark promised to protect his nephew, to make sure nobody ever knew who Jon's biological parents were. He faked adopting Jon with the help of his long time friend Howland Reed.
Jon was quiet for a long time absorbing everything, then he broke the silence. "You should have just let me be adopted by someone else, you should've just left me. My existence is a threat to everyone, including this family."
"Nonsense!" Ned dismissed instantly. "You are like my son, You are my son. You are a part of this family."
Jon didn't seem to be convinced. He was hell bent on blaming himself for things he had no control over. Sansa watched him quietly, she wanted to beat some sense into him, tell him he was being ridiculous.
"It doesn't matter, you are my brother," Robb declared, "still my brother."
"We love you, you dolt!", Arya all but screamed at him.
"It does not matter who sire you, this family is yours, you are as much a part of this pack as anyone." Ned made it clear, "We take of each other, I am not throwing you away. You're stuck with us."
He had been in a group hug of sorts, with Robb and Arya squeezing him. Even little Rickon, who didn't understand what was going, managed to get in there by clinging to Jon's legs. Sansa never join them, she just watched from a far wishing she could join them too.
She did go to his room later that night, quietly knocked to not alert anyone else in the house. She felt a desperate need to let him know that she didn't think like her mother, that she didn't support him being lied to for so long, that he was still part of their family, that nobody blamed him. She remembers how surprised he was when he opened the door, a puzzled look on his face, full of concern.
"Umm... Sansa?", he asked unsure. What are you doing here? Is everything okay? There were so many questions in his eyes. She noticed the state of his undress, it made her throat dry all of a sudden. Sansa tried to just get to the point, she didn't want to embarrass herself in front of him, or disturb him more than she already had.
" I just came because... about what mother said today... I don't blame you... we don't... I mean I am sure even mum doesn't really believe what she was saying today... deep down I am sure she knows she was being unfair." She had babbled on, looking anywhere but his chest, "She should never have said what she did, or behaved like that." Sansa finished lamely.
He waited for her to finish, "I understand why she feels that way, it's okay Sansa-"
"No it's not," her head shot up, looking directly into his eye to make it clear, "I am sorry for what mother said, Jon. Nobody blames you for Bran. It was just a bad accident. Robb and Theon were there too."
" You don't have to apologise on her behalf Sansa." He held her gaze, and spoke so earnestly, so honestly that it made her want to cry inside.
Yes I do! She wanted to apologise for her own behaviour too, over the years, but words never came to her. She wanted to tell him that he shouldn't blame himself for decisions made by others... but Sansa who was known for always having a way with words, knowing what to say had been at a lost. For some reason her mind stopped functioning around Jon.
Sansa just wanted too many things. She wanted to hug him and bury her face in the crook of his neck, she wanted to pull him so close, too close... the emotions in his grey eyes with the look on his kind, sullen face made her heart beat so fast and it made her want to do things. She wanted to embrace him completely, run her hands over his back, she wanted to hold him yet escape him all at once. It was terrifyingly confusing so she refused to ponder on her thoughts. Somehow escaping him had been way more easy than taking two more steps in his direction and embracing him. So instead, she decided to leave immediately, after awkwardly telling him to have a good night. She wasn't able to sleep that night. She tossed and turned and thought about him all night.
When Jon wanted to enlist for the army, almost everyone was upset.
Robb kept telling him it was a stupid decision. Arya was giving him death threats if he joined, Bran was trying to reason with him and even Theon tried talking him out of it.
Deep down Sansa knew why he wanted to join the army, he wanted to be the exact opposite of his biological father, wanted to do something selfless for the country, for the people, for himself. Or maybe he was doing it to get away from them? Their father, her father kept him in the dark for so long after all. She knew her mother had not objected to him leaving. What she clearly remembers is that one day, an irritated Ned Stark came out of Jon's room and declared angrily that he was allowed to do whatever the heck he wanted! It had been final then. Jon was joining the army.
She never stopped him from leaving even though she didn't want him to go. Telling him to not go wouldn't have made a difference, she stubbornly told herself. Sansa had seen the determination in his eyes, knew talking him out of it wasn't going to work...
Regardless of her reasons, not telling Jon to go was one of the things she ended up regretting the most, maybe it wouldn't have made a difference in his decision but at least he would have known she cared.
Regret, regret and regret, it's all I have, when it comes to him.
The day Jon left for the Night's Watch he said his farewells to everyone except for her, she had been out on a date with Joffery and by the time he dropped her home, Jon was gone. She tried making peace with not wishing him a goodbye. They weren't close, what would she even say? It's not like she ever told him he meant something to her, maybe she didn't mean anything to him too. It still hurt deep down so Sansa chose to ignore it.
She never wrote him any letters, or spoke on the phone when he was allowed phone calls. A few times Robb mentioned that Jon had asked about her but then again if she truly mattered to him, he would have asked to speak with her, Jon probably used to ask about her out of formality. Somehow that thought hurt too. She was the one who created distance between them, maybe she deserved his indifference.
Soon enough Sansa got busy with her own life, university applications, Joffery and social events. She eventually got accepted into KLU, one of the most prestigious Universities in Westeros and left for the South. Then their schedules never matched. When she visited home Jon wasn't there and when he visited... she wasn't.
She did hear all about Jon's awesome new girlfriend though, Arya wouldn't shut up about her.
"Her name is Ygritte and she's so cool. She is in the army, that's where he met her. You should see her work a gun, it's bloody brilliant! You know She can fight too!"
"She is foul mouthed! It's hilarious. You should have seen mum's reaction when Ygritte swore at the dinner table! Let's just say little Rickon has learned a new word and not from me. Dad just choked on water and mum got as red as her hair".
"Jon starts blushing around her... it's pathetic and adorable. She was the one to ask him out. Can you imagine?"
"Robb and Theon approve of her. I have an inkling dad likes her too, he just won't admit it infront of mum."
She sounded like someone Sansa wouldn't have had anything in common with, except for their hair, maybe. While she never officially met Jon's girlfriend, she had stalked her online after the call with Arya. Ygritte was pretty in a wild sort of way with an unapologetic attitude and vulgur humor. The complete opposite of calm, collected and eloquent Sansa. Even though the girl never did her any harm, she remembers she had disliked Jon's girlfriend instantly.
Sansa used to hate the irritation she felt over Jon bringing a girl home. Maybe she had been bothered by Ygritte due to her own disappointing love life? Sansa had broken up with Joffery and it had been her last year of her degree at KLU.
Thinking about Ygritte brought back another memory...
Sansa had been re-arranging her closet at her student accommodation in KL, while her mother complained about Jon's girlfriend on the phone.
"Jon will break up with that brash girl, you mark my words." Her mother said passionately. Sansa could hear the noise of plates being scrubbed in the background, it was her dad's turn to clean the dishes.
"Calm down, mother ," Sansa replied while separating the clothes she wanted to give away to charity.
" I am calm dear, just making an observation. That tactless girl is not his type. He probably went along with the relationship because she was being forceful" her mother huffed. She could hear her father's soft chucking in the background.
Sansa burst out laughing too. "Oh stop it. Just because she asked him out doesn't mean she forced herself on him. Times have changed. Besides why don't you just admit that you hate her because she swore at the dinner table and didn't like your pudding?"
"Who told you that?" her mother asked sharply, "besides, pointing out that the young lady has no manners is not the same as hating her."
Sansa could hear her dad straight up laughing now from the back, not even bothering to control in front of her mother.
"Arya told me."
"Well, Arya is exaggerating. I still stand by my orignal observation. They are not compatible." Her mother gave the final verdict.
How would you even know Jon's type? You don't even like Jon.
Sansa had stopped herself from voicing her thoughts out loud. Cat and her kept talking about other things while her father chimed in from time to time, but what had made Sansa's mood better that day was her mother's prediction about Jon's relationship. It hadn't made sense then, and as she stood on the balcony next to the man, it still didn't make sense. In fact knowing now, how Jon ended up losing Ygritte, Sansa felt ashamed, almost guilty for wanting them to break up.
Looking up she chanced a glance at him, his cigarette was about to be finished. Jon probably wasn't even aware of what she was thinking right now. About him, their childhood, their life... She turned away from him as more memories flooded her brain.