Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, SaiNaru would be COMPLETELY canon! (Oh and I don't own "This Love" by Maroon 5.)
And before they knew it - before he knew it, they were both on the bed, naked, in each others arms. Their clothes were strewn carelessly on the floor as the first few rays of the morning sun peeked through the curtains. The only sounds to be heard was the soft, content breathing of the blond with his cheek pressed against Sai's bare pale chest.
Sai's eyes eyes flickered over to the sleeping blond and instantly, he felt regret. Regret and at the same time, amazed and great. He felt so alive and yet so furious and yet... he felt nothing at all. Was that even possible? He wasn't sure. It was like that every night the blond came over. All he knew was that they both used each other last night. And the night before that. And the night before that. Neither of them loved each other. Both of them were fully aware of Naruto's love for Sasuke and yet Sai allowed him. He allowed him to take him away every night when the blond showed up at the doorstep, soaked in the rain. It was a ritual for them. Naruto always seemed to come at his doorstep and Sai would allow him in without a single word. During the first few nights, he would offer him coffee or tea but he'd reject and so they'd sit in mere silence until one of them snapped which would then result to sex and then sleeping in each others arms. After the first few nights when Sai would open the door, Naruto would just step inside and lean his forehead against his chest before embracing the artist in a tight hug which would immediately indicate as to "bed, now."
Their relationship.. what were they? Were they friends? Lovers? Or maybe they were still strangers... or maybe even enemies?
Or were they mere toys? Mere drugs? Mere objects? Naruto used Sai to comfort himself - to forget about Sasuke for the night like a drug. To pretend that he's Sasuke. Sai knew this, he wasn't stupid. But he was guilty on his own too. He used Naruto to feel - to feel emotions, to feel what everyone else felt - the emotions he longed to have for so long. He could feel the heat when the blond pressed his body against him, the lust, the love. He could feel it and it excited Sai. It comforted him that his emotions haven't completely disappeared - they were merely lost. Lost somewhere in the dark.
- & -
Sasuke came back. Well, more like forced back. He was in critical condition and under intensive care.
Sai saw the look on Naruto's face when he arrived at the hospital. He saw the look of such hope, such relief. He saw his expression twisted with longing and awkwardness as their eyes met and he quickly looked away as he walked towards Sakura and asked for Sasuke's room number.
"339."
And he ran quickly without another glance at Sai, disappearing into the corridors.
And Sai gave a bitter smile.
He knew that those nights were over now.
Naruto never loved Sai. Sai never loved Naruto.
So why did he feel so bitter?
He shooed the thought away. 'Because I won't be able to feel overpowering emotions anymore.'
And he knew, deep down, that it was a lie.
- & -
"Tch, teme, I'll show you what I can do now!" Naruto scoffed loudly with a smirk as he clasped his hands together, ready to do hand-signs.
Sasuke rolled his eyes as he mumbled, "Dobe."
His eyes then fell on Sai at which Sai tried all his best to not wince. He gave an equally cool and cold stare back at the Uchiha instead before the Uchiha turned back to Naruto.
It had been six months since Sasuke came back and he was still distant, and cold towards everyone but he was kind of starting to come out of his shell already. But he showed most of this to Naruto only. He was more open with the blond, smiled more with him, and even chuckled a few times with him. He talked more to him and always seemed to be around him. It was always and only Naruto. And Sai could see the immense happiness in the blond's cerulean eyes. He could see the great wave of joy every time he was around the Uchiha. Before Sasuke came back, Naruto had always seemed a little isolated from everyone else. Of course, he would laugh and grin a lot back in those days too. But they were fake. They were tired, forced smiles and laughs.
Now, nothing forced him to smile or laugh.
Now, everything was genuine.
Sai could also tell from the simple, short glares directed towards him from the Uchiha, that he was very much so unwelcome from Sasuke. He could tell that he hated him and wished for the artist to disappear. He also knew that he was merely like a fifth wheel. He could see the unbreakable bond between Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke. The way they were so close and with their secret smiles, he could tell that they loved each other so much and had such a great past together regardless of Sasuke's leaving. The unbreakable bond was even stronger between Naruto and Sasuke though. It was like a force that no one could burn, break, tear no matter how anyone or anything tried. Sai knew all this, and yet, he did not want to leave Team 7. He did have a choice of leaving and going back to the ANBU, but he didn't. He didn't because for some reason, a part of him yearned to see Naruto's great smiling face even though his smiles were never directed towards him.
It was always directed towards Sasuke.
Still, seeing Naruto so genuinely happy was enough for him.
So, why was his heart breaking so?
- & -
He found himself at Naruto's doorstep in the pouring rain.
The door opened to reveal Naruto at the doorway, his cerulean eyes widening to see him.
"Sai?" he said, disbelieving.
After all, it had been an year and a half since Naruto appeared at Sai's doorstep.
It had been an year and a half since Sasuke came back. And ever since them, Sai seemed to have grown farther and farther apart from all of them. He felt so alone, so in the dark when he saw Naruto's and Sasuke's and even Sakura's secret smiles at each other. Their happiness. Their relief. Their dream.
And Sai wasn't a part of it.
It sounded childish, even to him, to feel so neglected but before Sasuke came, he had actually felt as a part of Team 7. He had actually felt accepted as a human being, as a friend, for the first time. He had actually felt humane as he slowly began to understand emotions, friendship, love--
But just when he was on the brink of feeling love, Sasuke reentered at the worst time possible and ruined everything for Sai and that's when he realized that of course, he was always just a mere replacement of Sasuke no matter how much he wished he wasn't. When Sasuke came back, he built up a wall between them and him. A wall that was unreachable - a wall that Sai couldn't climb over or punch through and crawl under.
The wall was suffocating him so much that he decided to leave Team 7 at their happiness and joy as he joined the ANBU again and his heart was starting to harden again.
But as soon as he saw Naruto for the first time in so long, his heart seemed to burn and melt and his stomach was filled with butterflies as he saw the familiar unruly blond hair, the tanned skin, and the large cerulean eyes. He felt glad that he hadn't changed – still looked the same, at least. He was glad that he was there, just right in front of him. He felt relieved for this and yet, he felt horrified. He wasn't sure what he was doing here – emotions like this should have been erased. Shouldn't have been there in the first place.
And yet, it was still there. His emotions, his feelings..
He knew, he knew.
He knew he loved Naruto Uzumaki.
And he knew that Naruto loved Sasuke.
"Oh – hello Naruto-kun," he responded. "Sorry. It was so dark that I thought that this was someone else's house."
And so he quickly stepped out of the doorway before Naruto could say anything, as much as he'd rather cling onto the blond and feel more emotions, feel more love again. As much as he wanted to hold the blond, he stepped away and walked out of Naruto's life once more.
Forever.
Just for the blond's happiness.