DON'T READ UNLESS YOU'VE READ TO AT LEAST CHAPTER 20 IN "IN LOVE AND HATE"!
Okay, now that that's over with...this is a short first person collection of Tatsuha's thoughts the night that he died and while he was dying. It's dedicated to xo-silent-whispers-ox. I hope you enjoy…
WARNINGS: drug-abuse, suicidal thoughts, death…
Disclaimer: No…I don't own Gravitation… But Brad is mine so don't take him…blushes…Wait…remind me not to let Lauren read this…sighs…
Last Breath…
Where was he going? What was he doing? What was he thinking? These thoughts constantly seem to drift through my mind while I lie in bed on the edge of unconsciousness, wishing that I had someone warm to sleep next to. It's become almost a nightly thing for Ryuichi to go out and leave me alone once darkness falls and not return until morning. It worries me, I won't lie, but I just wish that I could know what's going through his head. I can't stop wondering if he even really cares about me.
With a heavy sigh I roll onto my side and curl into a ball beneath the blankets. I wonder what Shuichi's been up to these days. I haven't seen or heard from him in quite a while. Is he out of the hospital yet? Has he finally come to peace with his feelings for my brother? I clench my eyes closed at this. It still hurts to think about Shuichi being with my brother, but I know what we never would have worked out. Even if he had never been with Eiri in the past, my feelings for Rori would have torn me away from him in the long run.
When I left Shuichi, though, I expected to escape from the life of constant worry and paranoia, but it was just increased tenfold when I came to America with Ryuichi. I don't think that he knows that I know about his drug addiction; how he hides in the bathroom and downs the pain medication that I was given after my suicide attempt as if they were candy. I never took them because I welcomed the pain. It was so much better than having to deal with what was going on in the outside world, but now I regret it.
I guess that, in a way, it's my fault that he's become the way that he is.
Just a few rooms away, I can hear the hinges of the front door squeak as Ryuichi finally decides to come home for the night. My first instinct is to get up and run out to the living room. To yell and scream and hit him until he realizes how much pain he's putting me through. But I ignore it. I don't want to hurt him, just like I don't want to hurt anyone else.
I hear him cough and the slight stumble in his step as he makes his way toward our bedroom. I know that he won't come in here before visiting the bathroom first, though. He always visits the bathroom first because his beloved pills are more important to him than I will ever be.
All I want is to hear him say that he loves me just one more time.
Sure enough, I hear the door close quietly as he takes his detour. Usually he would try to be as quiet as he possibly could, but tonight he's either too drugged or too drunk to really care. The rattle of pills shaking around in their plastic bottles fills my ears as at least twobottles fall from their places in the medicine cabinet over the sink into the ceramic basin.
The sting of hot tears fills my eyes and I curse at myself. Why don't I just throw the pills away? Or at least lock them up somewhere? I hate this more than anything. Knowing that I can stop Ryuichi's abusive behavior but refusing to do anything has the strings of my conscious hanging on barely even a thread. I felt this same way with Shuichi and I hated it. So why do I keep putting myself in relationships like this?
The bathroom door squeaks just like the front door as he leaves the small room and enters our bedroom. I have to bite on the comforter to keep my quiet sobs silent. I don't want him to know that I've been awake the entire time, listening to his every move and knowing each and every thing that he was doing.
I feel the covers lifted beside me and the bed sinks down before I can barely feel the warmth of his body next to mine. He doesn't move to kiss me or hold me in his arms. He just lies there and gives the medications the time that they need to kick in and keep him knocked out for at least twelve hours.
It takes a little while, but his breath finally evens out. I don't dare to get out of bed, however, until I hear a small snore, a sure sign that he's sleeping because I know that he's too out of it to be able to fake me out convincingly. With a heavy but quiet sigh, I swing my legs out of the bed and quietly walk to the bedroom door.
Before leaving I take a second to glance back at his slumbering form. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps, with that small sliver of moonlight shining on his face. He looks like an angel. It's too bad that he's not. But, then again, there are so many beings who live their lives as if they were demons that there must be true angels walking somewhere on this Earth.
I feel the tears beginning to sting at my eyes again and I tear my eyes away and close the door. There's no need for me to cry over someone who can't muster the strength to suck it up and face reality. I can't help but chuckle at that thought. I'm beginning to become such a hypocrite.
What I had thought Ryuichi had been doing in the bathroom was the truth, and he hadn't even bothered to pick the bottles up from the sink. With tears streaming down my face and a sob just waiting to tear its way from my throat, I picked the bottles up and put them back where they were supposed to be in the medicine cabinet.
I knew that, when he woke in the morning, I would act as I always did. It would be as if nothing had ever happened. As if he weren't taking pills and dangerously walking the edge of suicide everyday. As if everything were just peachy keen and our lives were perfect.
I laugh at that thought and ignore the tears that are now free and streaming down my face. I don't care anymore, about anything or anyone. All life has seemed to be is a never-ending circle of Hell that I'll never be able to escape from. I don't think that even death with give me any escape because I know that, when I do die, I'll end up going to Hell anyway. There is no escape.
I know that I should go back to the bedroom but I just walk into the living room and curl up on the couch. I can't bring myself to lie in bed next to him. Not tonight.
Almost as if it knew that I was coming, the blanket from the back of the couch falls down over my body and engulfs me in warmth. I sigh heavily and close my eyes, letting sleep take me into its warm and inviting arms.
The next thing I know, I'm being shaken and someone is calling my name. I crack open and eye and see him standing there above me, a concerned sort of look on his face. With a heavy groan, I sit up and try my best to smile at him, no matter how difficult it is.
"How come you slept out here, Tatsuha?" he asks.
I sigh and shake my head. "No reason. I just couldn't get comfortable in bed last night."
He eyes me suspiciously but nods his head anyway. He knows as well as I know that I know what he does, but he, like me, doesn't want to bring the topic up. It's something that's better left unsaid and in the dark until something really needs to be done about it. I would say that something needed to be done about his drug abuse now, but I'm too afraid to talk about it. If I were to talk about it, that would mean that it was real and, although I know that it's real more than anything, I don't want to have to face it. Not yet.
"What time is it?" I ask him.
He checks his watch for a second. "Just a little past one o'clock."
I groan and slump back against the couch, running a hand through my hair. I can't believe that I had slept that long. And I can't believe that he's actually sober for once. Or is it just my imagination?
"How long have you been awake?"
He shrugs. "Just long enough to use the bathroom and make some coffee." He holds up his mug. "You want some?"
"Please," I mutter and close my eyes.
He leaves to go get my coffee and my mind starts reeling. I know that something has to be done. I just don't know what yet. What am I supposed to do? Leave? No. I need to get him help, but how can I do that without arousing his suspicions? I groan and, when I open my eyes, he's returning to the living room with my mug of coffee in hand.
"Here you go," he says and hands the mug to me.
I nod in thanks and take a long drink from the mug of hot caffeine. The coffee feels so good going down my throat, so hot and burning my tongue and trachea. I know that I should have waited until it cooled down to drink it, but the pain from the scalding liquid numbs the pain that I'm feeling in my heart.
"I'm going to go to the grocery later," I say once I've downed half of my coffee.
He nods. "That's fine. I'd go with you but there are some things that I need to do around here."
I nod in return and finish off the rest of my coffee before standing. "I'm going to take a shower," I say over my shoulder on my way to the kitchen. He doesn't answer but I know that he nodded.
After dropping my mug into the dishwasher, I slowly make my way back to our bedroom and grab some clean clothes before disappearing into the bathroom. Just for good measure, I lock the door behind me.
I start the water and undress, taking a moment to look at my reflection in the mirror. I've lost weight. A lot of weight. I don't know how, though. I've been eating like I always do, but my ribs are sticking out like sore thumbs and I look bonier than ever. Anyone who looked at me would be able to see that I wasn't living life to its fullest at the moment, and that I was beginning to get rather ill.
Shaking my head, I tear my eyes away from my reflection and step beneath the warm shower of water. The water feels good against my skin and it's at just the perfect temperature to massage and calm away some of the tension in my muscles.
I let my head roll back and open my eyes, staring up at the showerhead for as long as I can before the water causes me momentary blindness. I drop my head and run my hand through my hair, pulling at it lightly and quickly shampoo it. I breathe in the scent as I wash the bubbles from my hair. The scent of rainy days and juniper, just as Shuichi's shampoo had smelled.
I quickly finish the rest of my shower and dry myself off before pulling on my boxers and pants, leaving my shirt off for a moment. With a towel, I dry the condensation from the mirror as best as I can and stare at my reflection again. I toy with my ribs gently, putting my fingers beneath them and pulling the bit of loose skin around the bones. The sight of it disgusts me but I can't draw my eyes away from it. Only when Ryuichi knocks on the door do I pull my eyes away.
"Yeah."
"Are you almost done? I gotta pee."
'Gotta pee my ass,' I think, but say: "Yeah, just give me a sec."
I pull my shirt over my head and pick my clothes up from the floor before leaving the bathroom and letting Ryuichi retreat to his sanctuary. I drop my clothes off in our room and check the clock. It's already almost two o'clock.
When I leave the room I knock once on the bathroom door and tell Ryuichi that I'm going to leave for groceries and that I'll be back later. He acknowledges me with a little "okay" and I leave.
I want nothing more than to be out of the house when he leaves that bathroom because I know that he'll be a completely different person than he is whenever he's straight. When he's straight, he's kind and gentle and cares about everyone else more than he cares about himself. When he's drugged he becomes a monster. If you make him angry he'll tear apart the house, he even hit me once before but he hasn't done it since then. I don't know why I didn't leave after that, but I didn't and now look at what I'm stuck with.
The drive to the grocery isn't that long of one. I didn't come prepared with a list because I really didn't need to come to the store in the first place, but I needed an excuse to get away. I grab a cart and walk around the store anyway, throwing whatever looks good into the basket. Milk, bread, juice, eggs, sweets. It really didn't matter what I grabbed, just as long as I didn't go home with nothing.
Somewhere during my trek around the store, my cell phone rings. With a heavy and almost over-exaggerated sigh, I check the caller ID, expecting to see the number to home but it's not. It's Brad, a friend that I made at the gym when I used to go regularly. I flip my phone open and put it to my ear.
"Hey."
"…"
My heart swells and I thank the gods above. Do I want to go to a party tonight?
"Of course I would. What time?"
He tells me the time and where to go and I thank him before getting off the phone. I feel horrible for being this glad to have a chance to get away for a night, but I know that it's something that I need. If I stay at that house tonight I know that it won't be pretty.
I quickly take my items to the front of the store and pay for them before leaving. Ryuichi's car is still in the driveway when I pull in, which is a miracle in itself, but I know that I shouldn't get my hopes up. I grab the purchases out of the back of my car and carry them inside.
Sure enough, Ryuichi is nowhere to be seen. Trying to be as quiet as possible, I put the groceries away and then walk back to our bedroom. As usual, I can just barely see his hair sticking up beneath the comforter as he floats in his drug induced sleep.
It takes me a moment, but writing a note for him defeats waking him up in the fight in my mind and I make my way into the kitchen. I pull the pad of paper and pen beside the phone toward me and scribble a short little note for Ryuichi to see when he wakes up.
I don't even worry about packing clothes to take to Brad's house. It won't matter anyway. I'll be a drunken bumbling fool surrounded by a bunch of other drunken bumbling fools. The only bad thing that can happen is that I might vomit all over myself or someone else might vomit on me, but Brad will have clothes that I can borrow if something like that does happen.
I leave the house as quickly and quietly as possible and get on the road toward Brad's house. He lives closer to Old Forge than we do, but the drive still isn't that long of one. Most likely it's half an hour at the most, but the time doesn't matter. I just want to get away.
I pull into Brad's driveway just as the party is getting started. He greets me in the doorway with a pat on the back and smile. I smile back and walk in, taking the first beer handed to me. Oh, yes. This is a night for me.
I don't remember much after my fifth or sixth beer, but I do know that I woke up early the next morning with a pounding headache. Thankfully, I'm not one for hangovers. Guessing I was in a guest bedroom or something, I stumble out into the living room and see almost everyone else passed out on the floor. A small smile graces my face as I make my way to the door. I'll call Brad later to thank him because he has no idea how much he help me.
The clock says that it's seven o'clock when I climb into my car. I know that it's still too early for me to go back home, but I can't help but worry for Ryuichi's sake. I pull out of Brad's driveway and head back toward our house.
I pass several small taverns on the way to our home but one in particular catches my eye. As I drive past I swear that a car that looked just like Ryuichi's was parked in the parking lot. Without thinking, I turn around in a gas station's lot and head back to the tavern.
Sure enough, Ryuichi is passed out behind the wheel of his car. I frown at the sight in anger and frustration, anger at myself for leaving him alone and frustration at Ryuichi for going out like this. I shake my head and climb out of the car and help him into the passenger seat of my car. I lock his car, knowing well enough that we'll be able to come back and get it later, and then start back toward our house.
It's difficult carrying Ryuichi up the steps to our house but I take care of it easily enough on my own. I pretty much drag him back to our bedroom and lay him out on the bed, not bothering with covering him up or anything of the sort.
I set a gentle hand on his shoulder and shake him but there's not response. I shake him harder and say his name but there's still no response.
"Ryuichi!" I yell and shake both of his shoulders as hard as I can.
"Whoever you are, leave me alone," he moans and puts my pillow over his head.
"Ryuichi."
"Go away."
In a fit of anger, I grab onto his shoulders and lift him up into the seated position on the bed. His eyes are opened by now, but blinded by the sun. Without a second thought, I lash out and hit him across the face.
"Son of a bitch!" he yells and all sleep is wiped from his eyes as they settle on me. "Why the hell did ya do that?"
I scowl at him and cross my arms over my chest. "Oh, I dunno. Maybe because all you've been able to think about for the past month is how you're gonna get your goddamned pills," I yell. "I'm not as blind as I look, Ryuichi. Did you happen to forget what I've been through?"
He scowls at me but his eyes are sad. "Look," he mutters. "I'm sorry."
I laugh out loud. "No, you're not. If you were you would've stopped before you ever started up again."
Ryuichi sighs and closes his eyes, but soon jumps up from the bed and runs to the bathroom. I laugh at him coldly and started to look through the room. When I spot a small leather bound book on Ryuichi's bedside table curiosity floods my mind and I grab it up. Taking a second to get comfortable on the bed, I flip open the book and read it. It's a journal, Ryuichi's journal, and it's surprisingly interesting.
When he come stumbling into the bedroom thirty minutes later, I hold the book up for him to see and laugh.
"Did you not think that I would find this? At least Shu tried to hide his from me by getting one on the internet. I found it, though, in the end."
Ryuichi's eyes as they look upon me are full of anger and disbelief. "Have you taken your medicine today, Tatsuha?" he asks slowly, as if I wouldn't understand the question.
I chuckle and shake my head. "No, I was saving it for you."
Ryuichi scowls at me coldly. "I wouldn't have taken your anti-depressants, Tatsuha."
"Sure you wouldn't have."
"I can't believe you," Ryuichi yells. "Yes, I started taking pills again. Yes, I ran away from Japan. Yes, I keep doing every fucking thing wrong, but I'm through putting all of my efforts into trying to make myself better when I always fail! I can't handle it!"
I can't stop the smile from gracing my lips. "So you drown your sorrows in pills and alcohol…"
"Oh stop it, Tatsuha," he growls at me.
I laugh. "Can't handle the truth, Ryu?"
"I've never run or tried to hide from the truth, Tatsuha. I knew exactly what I was doing and why I did the things that I did. I ran away from Japan with everyone's best interests in mind. I started taking pills again so the annoying voice in my head would shut up. And I went out to drink last night because I didn't think that you were going to come back."
"You're lucky that I did," I mutter under my breath.
"I give up!" he shouts at me, his face contorted with rage, and stomps out the bedroom door. "I'm through trying to please you. No one can be Rori, I know that, but I tried my hardest and it still wasn't enough. Nothing's good enough for you. You need to face the facts, Tatsuha. Rori's not coming back, okay? He's dead. You need to take the love from people who offer it to you instead of being the cold bastard you're suddenly turned into and shoving them all away."
I hear the door slam closed and I know that he's gone. His words are like sharp teeth biting into my heart. I stare at where he had stood with wide eyes and try to decide what to do. Chase after him and try to make up for myself even though I know that I probably won't be able to? Or just sit here and feel sorry for myself?
Before my mind even has the time to make the decision for me, I run out of the bedroom and out the front door. My car is still parked in the driveway so I know that he didn't drive off somewhere. I take off running down the driveway and onto the road, looking for any signs of Ryuichi but I couldn't see any. I call out for him but get no answer.
I slow my running down to a walk and look around me but there's still no sign of Ryuichi anywhere.
"Ryu, I'm so sorry."
I heard the car before my mind registered that it was there, and by then it was too late. The driver blared his horn and slammed on his brakes, the squeal of his tires echoing in the quiet peacefulness of the forest surrounding us.
A scream of pain tearsfrom my throat as the front of the car hits my legs and I feel them break. My body is thrown back toward the car and I feel glass cut and wedge into my skin as I hit the windshield and am thrown back over the top of the car. My body flies over nothing for a brief while before I slam into the pavement, a pain such as I've never felt before igniting my nerves and setting them on fire.
I try to move and roll over but I'm paralyzed. Whether it's because my back is broken or because of the pain that I'm in, I don't know, but I'd be willing to bet that my back was broken. I can still move my head, though.
Very slowly, I open my eyes and roll my head to the side, taking in my left side. My legs are twisted in unnatural positions and the ground beneath me is covered in my blood, the puddle growing with every passing second. I can see the glitter of glass protruding from my skin and feel it cut into my face, thankful that I had closed my eyes in the onslaught.
As I lie there in pain, wondering where the driver of the car is, Ryuichi's voice cuts through the silence.
"TATSUHA!"
I turn my head to the right and see him running up to where I lay. He falls to his knees by my side and gently brushes my hair out of my face. I try to talk to him, but my voice seems to have run away in fear. He understands though, and raises his cell phone to his ear.
"Hello? Yes, I have a twenty-one year old male with very serious injuries."
"He was involved in a hit and run. I didn't get a chance to get the cars license plate number."
"We're just north of the Blue Mountain Lake Adirondack Museum."
"Yes, thank you. Please hurry!"
He closes his cell phone and slips it back into my pocket before grasping my hand. Tears are dripping down his face and I can feel them as they fall onto my cheeks. I try my hardest to smile up at him, but I know that it probably comes out more like a grimace.
'I'm sorry.'
I mouth the words and Ryuichi's tears evolve into sobs.
"No, no. It's not your fault. None if it was ever your fault. I'm sorry, Tatsuha; so, so sorry for everything that I've put you through. Just please don't leave me! I promise that we can start over after you get better, okay?"
I nod my head slowly but I know that there will be no getting better for me. My eyes are slowly becoming more and more clouded by grey fog and it's extremely difficult for me to focus on Ryuichi's face.
'I love you.'
He kisses my hand. "Oh, I love you too, Tatsuha. Please hang on. The ambulance will be here soon."
I shake my head. 'Let me go.'
He shakes his head violently. "No! I can't let you go. Please, God. Don't take him from me, don't take him from me, don't…" His words slowly dissolve into incoherency as he breaks down into sobs and lays his head on my hand, kissing it and stroking it.
The screaming siren of the ambulance signaled its proximity before we could see it.
"They're coming, Tatsuha. Just hold on, okay?"
'I can't.'
Ryuichi shook his head but was too overcome with sobs again to reply. He clenches my hand and gently places a kiss on my lips.
"I'll love you forever," he whispers.
The ambulance arrives a few minutes later and the paramedics seem to ignore my almost silent cries of excruciating pain as they lift me onto the stretcher.
I never saw the inside of the ambulance, though.
As I close my eyes and am brought ever closer to the white vehicle, my spirit separates from my body and I watch with wide, pain-filled eyes as my body is lifted into the ambulance.
Ryuichi jumps into the ambulance and I want to reach out and touch him one more time, but the doors are slammed closed and he is out of my reach.
With crystalline tears falling from my eyes, I watch in silence as the driver's of the ambulance squeal the tires and go off on their way to the hospital. I wonder if they even know that I'm already dead.
"I love you, Ryuichi."
With a silent goodbye I let my spirit be carried away in the small gust of wind, my silent tears turning to a heavy rain.
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A/N: Well…how was it? Was it any good? I kinda like it, which is surprising after how long it took me to write this damned thing. sighs Oh, well… The only thing that I don't like is the ending...
Sorry for any typos...
Anywho…I hope you all liked it. Please review!…