A/N: 'We're always going to face challenges so when things get crazy, don't push me away.' – Magnus
*Warning: Contains vague spoilers for S2E8 – Love Is A Devil and also S2E9 – Bound By Blood.
Alec has never been good with apologises but after a string of bad choices, he needs to stand up and own the consequences. Things are moving faster than he expected and the ground has long since shifted out from under him…Izzy's gone rogue and although some wounds are still too fresh to heal, he's doing everything in his power to make amends.
Rated T.
Disclaimer: I own nothing that bores any resemblance whatsoever to The Mortal Instruments: Shadowhunters.
Footnote: Thank you to those who reviewed my previous fic. I went into this off the back of the tv show (before I was aware there was a book!) and was worried about stumbling gracelessly into the fandom and ruining the pairing…hopefully I haven't done that?
Need A Second To Breathe
Raphael has to admit that installing the exterior cameras had been one of Camille's better ideas as he watched Alec Lightwood make his way up the entrance steps, the man's image flickering across the dimly lit screen in fragmented motions.
The sounds of the impending struggle soon reach his suite and Raphael listens carefully for any signs the shadowhunter has done anything more than incapacitate his men.
He doesn't hear the tell tale sound which he's come to associate with a staking but he makes a point of slipping on his jacket and making his way towards the door anyway.
He glances briefly at the wall clock, trying to rearrange his business for the evening following earlier events before flinging the door open with every intention of slipping away before Alec reaches the final stairwell.
The door connects something soft and the vampire heaves a grudgingly, unnecessary breath.
"We need to talk."
Raphael spared a brief, fleeting glance at the Shadowhunter before straightening his jacket collar and pressing more firmly on the open door.
"Your boyfriend's already given me a lecture...and I was just on my way out."
He attempts to shoulder his way through the door, but Alec is there, forearm pressing into the frame.
"It can wait."
Alec brushes past him, clipping the vampire's shoulder as he makes his way into the apartment.
Raphael is tempted to throw him out, he's had just about enough of Shadowhunters strolling into his digs like they owned the place but a larger, more rational voice whispers that after everything that's happened recently he isn't really looking for another fight and, if nothing else, he can admire Alec's desire to protect his sister.
"Obviously," he answered, closing the door and joining Alec in the dimly lit lounge. "Drink?"
"I'm good, thanks."
It's a nice place but then again modern day vampires are known for their lavish tastes.
Alec spots a few furnishings that would rival even Magnus' flare for the extravagant…but then when your existence stretches out in front of you for as long as either of the men Alec supposes you accumulate a lot of material junk.
His eyes finally drift over towards the couch just off centre in the room and he's suddenly reminded of how he'd found Izzy earlier in the evening…it triggers some of his earlier feelings, ones that at the time, had made things much worse than they otherwise might have been.
So he squashes down the anger, even though on some level he feels like he's entitled to it because it hasn't done him any good so far and he hadn't come back to the DuMort looking for another fight.
He was done thinking with his fists and now he'd had some time to reflect on his actions, he's acutely aware that he made the wrong choice tonight.
'Emotions get in the way.'
"Is Izzy here?"
"She left a while ago."
Alec doesn't ask where she's gone because regardless of what Izzy might think he did know her…at least to some extent, and he's confident that in the post high of whatever fix she was coming down from she'd have fled.
It's what she did…what they all did when reality became that little bit too real, found somewhere to buckle down and ride out the storm…alone; because it's easy to pretend that being alone protects you from something worse.
Isn't that what people say? Better the Devil you know?
"I'm not in breach of the accords, Shadowhunter," Raphael offered suddenly, somewhat indignant, crushing down the urge to bear his fangs. "I'm a careful man."
Alec casts a wary glance in the vampire's direction as if expecting to see the demon behind the man's skin but soon shakes the thought away. He supposes a person probably wouldn't survive in the world for as long as the vampire had if they were any other way. Carelessness led to recklessness, which often didn't bode well, particularly when you had a disposition for killing others.
Raphael had been around long enough to learn the laws which bind them all together well enough.
"I'm not here on an errand for the Clave."
Alec has his doubts that Raphael had believed he was ever really fronting Clave business; Izzy's done a pretty good job at keeping all this under the radar and if anyone did have their suspicions then Izzy was good at bending the truth.
Even if people had noticed, Raphael was the head of the New York Vampire Clan…if word had gotten out, Alec is fairly sure the higher ups would have been called in to close the case.
"You're here to give me the big brother speech then," Raphael interjected blandly, already disinterested in the conversation…Shadowhunters were almost as predictable as mundanes and when your existence was as long as his was, it was something a person could quickly grow bored with. "If you ever hurt her etc-"
"No."
The word cuts through the vampire's jibe with a heated strength Raphael hadn't been expecting, one he certainly couldn't remember ever hearing from the man before and it's enough to stop him short in whatever it was he was going to say.
He casts Alec a short, impatient glance when nothing else follows because he knows there's more to be said and he's really not a patient man.
The look he finds on the Shadowhunter's face makes him feel exposed, even though the other man is making no attempt to look at him and it's in that moment, Raphael bites back any sort of comeback and settles down to wait.
"I grew up with other people telling me what was best for me," Alec said eventually, gazed fixed on something in the distance Raphael couldn't see, almost as if a memory were playing out in front of him. "I won't do that to her. She deserves to be happy…and if you make her happy."
It's a double-edge sword; a loaded statement that Raphael is certain Alec knows he has no way of answering.
"I have feelings," Raphael repeated carefully after turning the words over several times, keenly aware of where this admission had landed him earlier in the evening. "But it's complicated."
'Even Shadowhunters fall in love.'
Alec smiles lightly and it's in that moment Raphael can see the maturity in the man who, in mundane years had barely lived at all…the makings of the man who managed to capture Magnus Bane.
"When isn't it?"
Alec isn't entirely sure what to make of Raphael, he seems to gravitate between good and evil depending on what's in it for him and if nothing else he supposes it's better dealing with someone who plainly just can't be bothered to bullshit you than a seelie.
But there's an unpredictability in the vampire that worries him…because when a person is so obviously out for their own ends, any sort of trust you lay at their doorstep is fragile…and easily undone.
"So what is this?" Raphael questioned, noting the sudden change in the Shadowhunter's expression. "Is this…your blessing?"
"Hell no," the reply is instant and Alec's voice is caught somewhere between amusement and vindictiveness. "But then it isn't like you need it, is it?" Alec is tempted to make some sort of threat but he knows it'll mostly fall on deaf ears because if he couldn't convince Izzy to give the vampire up, there's little chance he'll succeed with Raphael…and even if he did, Izzy would march in and stamp all over his efforts. "Look, I don't know how much you've heard but I'm betting you know enough? We're going to war."
"The Down World has always been at war," Raphael answered dismissively and Alec is left wondering if this is a thought shared by all Downworlders? The Clave had always been so keen to distance themselves from the demons that perhaps in doing so, they'd missed elements of an ongoing war?
"Yeah but not like this. This is different…and the final battle is creeping up faster than most people think," Alec's voice is a mixture of several emotions but underneath them all Raphael can hear the perceptiveness of a man that knew the signs of war. "There's no point in burning bridges now."
"Agreed."
Raphael isn't fast enough to call this progress, it's far from over and even if things seem to have been resolved for now it's a delicate balance which could easily be overturned further down the line.
…But he's not had his cheek busted open again so he'd say things are going pretty well.
"Good…That's good," Alec makes a point of glancing towards the wall clock before hastily making a move towards the door. "I should…probably be going…you were heading out, right?"
Raphael finds it incredible how so many conflicting emotions exist within the Shadowhunter. How in one moment he's the type of man that commands attention, whose voice resonates with an authority far beyond his years and in the next he's an awkward teenage who's no longer comfortable in his own skin.
"You know," Raphael's voice reaches Alec just before he manages to make it out the door. "Magnus picked me up just before dawn broke a couple of months after I'd been turned," it sounds oddly disembodied as if the vampire is telling another man's story and it makes Alec wonder whether in time, emotion fades from memories. "I was just about ready to meet my maker but Magnus pulled me out of it, kept me on the straight and narrow for a while." It's what Magnus did…he liked to fix people. "He's family."
Family…Alec can understand that and even if he is reluctant to give away too much in the way of acceptance at the moment, he understands the lengths a person may be willing to go to in order to protect the ones they love.
In a strange way it reassures him too…because if Raphael has people close to him that he calls family, whether that be by blood or something deeper, it suggests that on some level, he's capable of thinking beyond himself.
"Protegemos nuestra propia," Alec answered pointedly although he couldn't say he found any sort of satisfaction in the look of surprise which flashed across the vampire's face.
"We protect our own," Raphael echoed lightly, suddenly keen to end this conversation. "There's a coffee house two blocks from Magnus' apartment, on the corner of fifth. It's an old favourite of his…late openings," Raphael smiled a peculiar sort of smile which made Alec feel distinctly like he'd missed the punch line. "If you're going round there you may want to show up with your tail between your legs and a peace offering."
"I should probably write that dow-"
"I'll text you."
They've said everything there is to say and if he's honest with himself Alec wasn't entirely sure what he was hoping to achieve by coming back to the Hotel DuMort tonight. An irrational part of him still rather likes the idea of staking the vampire in cold blood…but a larger, more reasonable part of him acknowledges that this isn't his battle.
Things are changing…
And even if it's a hard truth to swallow people grow up and regardless of how much you want to protect the ones you love there will always be people, circumstances and mistakes that no amount of good intentions can shield them from…
…It's in those moments you need to trust them to protect themselves.
He'd like to say he was confident that if Izzy needed him, she'd tell him but after everything that's happened to bring them here, he isn't sure and for now he's just desperately hoping things won't spiral anymore spectacularly out of control.
Alec doesn't ask where Raphael got his number, he's got a few ideas and none of them particularly worry him so he decides to leave well enough alone and call it a night.
"Thanks."
It's just gone two am when Alec reaches Magnus' home and if he spends ten minutes or so loitering just outside the door trying to put some sort of speech together it gives him the time to gather enough courage to actually knock on the door.
Magnus lets him in without protest although from his attitude in general, Alec isn't entirely sure whether the warlock is pleased to find him on his doorstep.
"I wasn't expecting to see you," Magnus stated mildly, already moving away from the hallway and into the other room.
Alec followed closely behind him, trying to shake off the uncomfortable tension that was now gripping at his shoulders.
"I…I should probably have called first," he answered awkwardly, even though he'd never called ahead before, not used to feeling this out of step with the other man. "I brought coffee."
Magnus takes his place at the breakfast bar and absently gestures for Alec to sit down, two mosaic coasters appearing with the snap of his fingers.
"That's very thoughtful," Magnus acknowledged gratefully as Alec cautiously took the seat next to him, placing the cups down on the counter. Magnus recognises the somewhat unusual blend and fixes the Shadowhunter with a probing look. "I take it you've been to see Raphael."
It isn't a question because Magnus is well aware very few people know of this particular haunt and it's a testament to how well Alec has come to know him that he doesn't question it any further.
"Yeah… managed to get through the conversation without staking him too."
The joke falls somewhat flat because humour has never really been his strong suit but he's so nervous that the words are spilling out without much conscious thought on his part.
Alec is relieved more than anything when Magnus' lips stretch into a humouring smile.
"Now that is quite a feat…should I assume you've both apologised?"
Alec clears his throat awkwardly.
"Something like that," he supplied evasively, pointedly admiring the decorative coaster underneath his cup. "There wasn't any bloodshed this time, if that's what you're wondering."
"I'm relived to hear that."
'Emotions are nothing but a distraction, you're ruled by them but we're taught to control them.'
They lapsed into a strange sort of silence after that and Alec, although he'd been replaying what he wanted to say over in his head ever since he'd set foot in the Magnus' building, found that all his well practiced words had escaped him.
There was something disconcerting in the idea that he was this affected by the warlock when he'd spent his life learning how to close himself off to anything that would inspire even the remotest spark of sentiment…other than family.
But then he supposed on some level he'd learned how to keep them at a safe distance as well.
And now he's suddenly faced with emotions that are so far beyond anything he's ever felt before that he's not entirely sure where to go from here and although he hates to admit it, instead of trying to move forward, he's so frightened by the change that he's hiding behind flawed teachings and unresolved childhood fears…because the ugly truth of it all is that's all he's ever known.
A nasty little voice pips up somewhere in the darkness of his own mind which screams at him to walk away from Magnus, to cut his losses before he gave the warlock too much power to hurt him. It reminds him that he could try to shut out everything he felt for the other man and go back to serving the Clave without any thought for a future of his own.
But there was also something warm in the back of his mind that whispered soft words of encouragement.
And he held onto it fiercely…because after everything they've been through to get here, leaving Magnus is not an option, if it ever really had been to begin with?
He was in over his head long before something more had materialised between them.
"I shouldn't have taken all this out on you," Alec said eventually and something in his voice almost broke Magnus. "Not after the last time."
He sounded broken, like the world as he knew it was steadily slipping away from him and Magnus wanted nothing more in that moment than to comfort him, to protect him from the world and tell him that despite everything things would be okay.
'You let her break your heart, my friend. You were immortal but she killed you.'
But Magus knew the dangers of starting down that path and as much as it pained him to see the Shadowhunter so lost, he could not afford to give justification to his actions now…It would lay foundations in their relationship that would eventually ruin them.
"I understand," Magnus started softly. "That you've grown up shutting everyone out when things are hard…It's the Clave's way," he paused, considering how his next words might sound to the other man. There was a good chance they may do more harm than good at the moment but he'd come this far and couldn't very well back out now…not if they were going to move forward. "And I know this is new but…things can't continue like this."
"I know," Alec agreed quietly, as if frightened anything more than this might shatter him. "I'm not good at this sort of thing…I don't know…"
Alec was painfully aware how it sounded like an excuse; even if it hadn't been meant that way but he doesn't know how to phrase it differently.
"You don't need to explain, Alexander," Magnus' voice, compassionate but deliberately disengaged from the words, saves him from whatever thoughts he'd be battling. "Blaming me was easier than facing your own disappointment in yourself."
It's true but that doesn't make it any easier to stomach.
"She's my sister Magnus…this is family."
Something unrecognisable flashes in the warlock's eyes and Alec realises too late it's the wrong thing to say.
"Then what am I?"
The air suddenly felt thick, pressing down on the base of his neck uncomfortably. It was deliberate enough a question to make him falter, and he turned the words over in his mind, once, twice…thrice before he realised he really didn't have the words to give voice to how much damage he'd caused.
Any strength that he'd been feeling moments ago seemed to leave him…
'One day somebody's going to love you…heart and soul.'
"You're right," Alec's strained voice muttered, trying to cram in every thought that was now flying through his mind. "I've really screwed this up...I don't even know where to start…"
Despite the gravity of the situation, despite the somewhat broken ground they're both still standing on a warm smiles falls across Magnus' face.
"How about with that apology?"
"I'm sorry," a vast array of emotions support the words mixed with a genuine sense of regret that's almost tangible. "I didn't want to admit that I…hadn't noticed…I should have noticed and when I couldn't get to Aldertree…I shouldn't have taken it out on you."
"I speak from experience; life…will always have its difficulties but part of what makes life worth living is having someone to turn to when things seem darkest…It's that moment of solace that keeps many people going."
"I don't want to lose you, Magnus," it's a shred of vulnerability but it's more than Alec has ever shown him and Magnus finds he's drawn to the man, in a way he's rarely felt towards another person. "I've never felt this way about anyone and I…I don't know what you want from me…I don't even know if I'm capable of giving it to you."
'Nothing is wrong with you. Far from it.'
"You'd be surprised what you're capable of," Magnus answered, lifting his hand to hook his fingers gently under Alec's chin. He gives the man a soft nudge and Alec looks up, and his eyes are shimmering in the relative darkness of his modest kitchen. "If you just stopped living in here," he taps the side of Alec's head lightly. "And started listening to here," his fingers come to rest over Alec's chest, and the sudden thunder of the Shadowhunter's heartbeat vibrates quickly under his fingertips. "Every once in awhile."
"I don't deserve you," Alec said at length and there's something oddly captivating about the conflicted look that passes over his face.
"Rome wasn't built in a day…these things take time, Alexander."
"I know," Alec gave in easily because he really hasn't got much fight left in him tonight. He wraps his fingers around Magnus', surprised to feel the erratic movements of his own heartbeat through the warlock's skin. "But things are changing so quickly…I'm actually worried that's the one thing we don't have."
Magnus can't bring himself to admit that, in those words, Alec has given voice to fears he also shares. That somewhere in the recesses of his mind, he's also terrified they'll never have an opportunity to explore exactly what they could become together.
But there's something hopeful buried in the depth of Alec's expression that clasps down uncomfortably on Magnus' heart that makes him decide that, for now at least, he'll keep that hope alive…because there's a storm coming and things are likely to get worse before they begin to get better.
"Then we'll make time."
With a click of his fingers, the apartment grows still and the sounds of the world outside the window slowly drift away.
For tonight, they'll grant time for each other.
And then tomorrow...
…Tomorrow they'll go to war.
There might have been a time
When I would let you step away
I wouldn't even try
But I think you could save my life
Just don't give up
I'm working it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, what do you want from me?
What do you want from me?
Lyrics courtesy of Adam Lambert