Obligatory disclaimer: I do not own Hercules: The Legendary Journeys or any of its characters. I am making no money, this is just for fun. All original characters are owned by me and are not to be used without explicit permission.

Prologue

Now

He stood on the deck, his hands on the weathered wood of the railing, and watched the waves the ship caused as it made its way to port. It's so blue here, he thought. I had forgotten.

He had also forgotten how miserably hot it was in Greece this time of year. Nowhere near as hot as it was in India, but it was still enough to be uncomfortable. Good thing I cut my hair. He ran his hand through it absently. It still felt odd, even after all these years. He'd had long hair his whole life. It had been the first thing to go when he had left.

He could hear the sailors yelling back and forth to each other in fast, clipped Greek. With a start, he realized he couldn't recognize some of the words, it had been so long since he'd spoken in his own tongue. His stomach suddenly twisted with anxiety. He'd been gone way too long.

He'd made up his mind to go back below deck and try to meditate when the bell started ringing. Must be getting close. Sure enough, if he squinted hard enough, he could see a city far off into the horizon.

Corinth. He smiled, his blue eyes crinkling.

Home.

A few hours later, they had made port, and he was waiting as the men lowered the plank for him to disembark. He clasped hands with the captain, who had come to wish him farewell. "Thanks again, friend. I don't know when the next ship to Greece would have come around."

"Corinth was on the way. And when you said who you were, well... it was the least I could do," the captain answered. "Feels good to be home?"

His passenger nodded, feeling nervous. "Yeah, it's just… been a long time."

He thanked the captain again before making his way down the plank onto the dock.

"A long time, huh?" the captain asked. "How long have you been gone?"

Iolaus took in his surroundings – the white buildings, lush green trees, bustling market ahead. Not much had changed. "Oh," he answered, "about twenty years."

Chapter One

Then

It was dark.

Iolaus tried to see, but it was useless. His skin was like ice. He clawed his way in the blackness like a blind man, but the air felt thick, like he was pushing against water. And there was something on his skin. He could feel them. Vile, oily … things… crawling on his arms, his neck, his face, like bugs. There were bugs all over his skin.

No, not on his skin. In it. There was something in his skin, under it, coursing through his veins, something disgusting and slimy, and it was pulling him down. Down down down…

He couldn't breathe. There was a pressure in his chest. He needed to breathe, to get out. He tore at his skin, at the things underneath. He kicked, he screamed, but no sound came out. He couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe, let me out, let me OUT, LET ME OUT!

Iolaus woke, screaming, sitting bolt upright on the ground. He was freezing. He looked around in confusion until things came into focus. He was in the forest. He was freezing because he had been sweating, and the blanket covering him was soaked through, sticking to his skin.

Breathing heavily, he looked around to get a better sense of where he was when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He yelped and was about to start swinging until his eyes focused on the face in front of him.

"Whoa, Iolaus! It's me. It's okay, it's just me." Hercules was kneeling down on the ground in front of him, brow furrowed in concern, eyes searching for some kind of sign that Iolaus was hearing him. "It's okay."

Iolaus took a deep, steadying breath and then let it out slowly. "Herc. Yeah… I know. Sorry. I just, ah…"

"Another nightmare?" Hercules finished.

Iolaus looked away. "Yeah." He pushed the sweat soaked blanket off and tossed it next to him on the ground. "Sorry I woke you up."

Hercules shook his head. "I was already awake." Iolaus knew he was lying to spare his feelings but he chose not to comment.

It was dark. The only illumination was the stars. It was late into the night, but Iolaus didn't think they had been asleep all that long.

Hercules settled back down onto his mat, never taking his eyes off his friend. "You okay?"

He felt sick, and his skin was clammy. "Yeah," Iolaus said shakily. No.

Hercules regarded him carefully. "Are you sure? You look terrible."

He felt his stomach clench and grit his teeth. Gods, not again…

"Um…I'll be right back." Iolaus suddenly got to his feet and started off into the bushes.

Hercules got back up with a start. "Iolaus!" He started to follow until he heard the sounds of retching, making him grimace. Oh boy, Hercules thought. It's getting worse.

This was the third night this week. Hercules was getting increasingly worried.

It had been three months since they had saved the world again and had restored the Titans to their rightful place in Tartarus. Greece had been peaceful, and for once, the two of them could go almost more than a week before anyone came to ask for their help. Iolaus had joked that they must be going through a slow spell, which had suited the demigod just fine. It was nice to have a break. But Iolaus had seemed restless, antsy even. And then the nightmares had started.

They weren't bad at first. Hercules would be woken by Iolaus thrashing and moaning in his sleep. A few shakes would wake him up, or Hercules would be able to talk to him enough while he was sleeping to calm him down and rid him of whatever was causing the dream. Iolaus would have them a once or twice a month, and each time they would get progressively worse. It would take Hercules longer and longer to try and wake him up; Iolaus' cries would become more pitiful, more intense, as he tried to escape whatever seemed to be haunting him. When he finally did wake up, he looked sick, and frightened. Hercules tried to get him to talk about them, but Iolaus claimed he couldn't remember. "They're gone as soon as I wake up," he had said. "I just remember it being dark and… and I can't come back."

"Come back from what?" Hercules asked.

But Iolaus just stared, not at Hercules, but at a point beyond him, almost like he was looking through him. And then he shook his head. "I don't know."

Hercules knew Iolaus well enough to know he was lying. He just didn't know why. But he also knew Iolaus well enough not to push him. Iolaus was just about the only person he knew that could tolerate his mothering, but only up to a point. The demigod knew if he kept pressing, it would just make Iolaus mad, and then he'd never get anything out of him.

He'll tell me when he's ready, Hercules had told himself. But the dreams just got more frequent, and more terrible. They were coming every week, then multiple times a week, and now, almost every single night. Iolaus looked like a zombie, pale and exhausted, as they made their way through Greece to Corinth in order to spend some time with Jason. Hercules doubted Iolaus slept much after the dreams woke him up; Hercules hadn't slept much either. They were both running off only four or five hours of sleep each night. As a demigod, Hercules could handle it. But Iolaus needed to sleep, without the fear of these nightmares.

He was going to have to talk to him. There was obviously something going on with his friend. Hercules had a pretty good idea of what it was, but he didn't know how to approach the subject. How do you talk about something like that? Hercules thought. They had tried before, but it had been a disaster. It had been too painful for Iolaus. It was easier to just go back to the way things were, to forget about it, to just be happy it was all in the past. They had learned to live with it, or so Hercules had thought. Obviously not.

Hercules really didn't want to do this. It brought up too many painful memories. The months after Sumeria were not his finest moments. He'd felt as if half of himself had been torn away, and he had gone on a rampage which had destroyed what was left of the Sumerian gods, and then had managed to almost get the Norse deities killed as well. That's what I'm good at, right? Hercules thought, angrily. Wherever I go, people get hurt. People die. Like Iolaus had died, and then gotten possessed by a demon hell bent on destroying everything and everyone Hercules held dear, all because Hercules couldn't say no. People needed help, and he'd to go. And Iolaus had come with him, despite his misgivings. Because that was what Iolaus did. His loyalty to Hercules had gotten him killed, and Iolaus had been crushed physically, spiritually, and mentally before he was able to find some kind of peace.

Hercules shook his head in disgust. The fire they had built before they had fallen asleep was still glowing, tiny little embers still trying to hold on. Hercules steeled himself. Well, if we're going to do this, we might as well be warm.

Iolaus spit the remaining bile out of his mouth, holding onto a tree for support. What is wrong with me? He shakily pulled himself upright. He was still cold. It reminded him of the dream, and he shivered. He felt more vomit threatening to come up, but he willed himself to push it back down. Knock it off, he commanded himself. It's just a dream.

Except he knew it was more than that. He just didn't want to admit it. Angrily, he shoved off the tree he was leaning on for support and started stamping through the forest, making his way back toward the camp. Why, he thought. Why now? It had been almost a year. It was over. He was back. Everyone was happy. Life was back to normal.

Ha, normal. How do you go back to being normal? The thought seemed to come up from nowhere, and he angrily tried to push it aside, shaking his head to clear it. He thought he'd been doing so well. When he had first come back, it had been difficult. He'd asked to see his grave, which he could tell had unnerved Hercules, but he'd taken Iolaus to it anyway. He felt like part of him was still in there, in the ground, being eaten by worms. This body he had now… it was new. Free from all the burdens of his previous life, as he had come to think of it. Free of scars. He scratched at his chest, where the knife had struck him. There was nothing there, and it annoyed him that after almost a year he was still surprised by that.

This body… sometimes it felt like it wasn't really even his. This body had not been beaten, tortured, put through the ringer by monsters, warlords, his father… this body had not loved Anya, or Niobe, or Nebula. This body hadn't been beaten to death by the Enforcer, or turned to stone, or possessed.

Iolaus shivered. It had taken him a very long time to compartmentalize all that had happened, to lock it away, and pretend it had happened to someone else. It wasn't healthy, and he knew that. Those things didn't happen to someone else. It wasn't another Iolaus, another life. They had happened to him; it was his life. And this body was just that – a body. A fleshy thing to keep his soul in until…

What? I die? Been there, done that. Came back. Again, and again, and again…

By the time Iolaus got back to camp, Hercules had put some more logs on what was left of that evening's fire and was in the process of lighting it again. The blond man stopped, feigning confusion. Great... "What are you doing?" he asked out loud.

"Trying to relight this damn fire," Hercules grunted, exasperated. "Some of the logs are damp."

"Oh," Iolaus said. He scratched at the stubble that was forming on his chin and came back over to sit on his mat. "Why?" he asked, casually, but he knew he wasn't fooling anybody, least of all Hercules. Not tonight, Herc, please. I'm exhausted, I really don't want to do this right now…

The demigod didn't look up from his fire ministrations. "Because we need to talk."

Iolaus chewed on his bottom lip and tried to keep the annoyance out of his voice. "Herc… it's the middle of the night. We both need to rest if we are going to make it-"

"We both know no one is going back to sleep tonight."

Iolaus stared. Dammit, he thought, angrily. He's not going to let it go. That was Hercules' problem. He just couldn't leave well enough alone sometimes. Iolaus watched him in silence as he tried, stubbornly, to get the fire started with the two stones Iolaus had found earlier. Chink, chink. Nothing. Chink, chink. Nothing. Chink, chink…

"It's not working," Iolaus stated.

Hercules threw the stones back down and sat up, annoyed. "Yeah, I can see that," he shot back.

The blond shrugged. "Oh, well. Hey, if we can't get the fire going and we can't go back to sleep, we might as well keep heading on to Jason's." He got back up and started packing his gear.

Hercules just stared at him, eyebrows raised. "Excuse me?"

"What?" Iolaus said, rolling up his mat. "Like you said, we probably won't be able to go back to sleep. At least, I'm not." He glanced over at Hercules, who was still sitting on the ground. "So, let's get a move on. I don't want to sit here in the cold."

Hercules just snorted incredulously. "Iolaus, sit back down."

Iolaus didn't answer. Ignoring him won't do any good, his mind said. He ignored that, too. "Have you seen my amulet?"

"It's in your pack," Hercules answered. "Iolaus… Iolaus, stop packing. We're not leaving."

Iolaus inhaled and exhaled deeply and very slowly, biting back his retort. He was finding it harder and harder to control his temper. "I'm not having this conversation tonight, Hercules."

Here we go, Hercules sighed inwardly. "Iolaus-"

"What!?" Iolaus yelled, suddenly, throwing his pack onto the ground with such force that it split open, spilling its contents everywhere. "Gods dammit!" He started picking up his things, grumbling incoherently.

Hercules didn't move from his spot on the ground. He watched Iolaus carefully as he roughly tried to stuff his things back into the pack and hold it together with his fist.

Iolaus could feel his eyes on him. "What, Hercules?"

"Nothing."

Iolaus made an annoyed noise deep in his throat and slammed his pack back on the ground again. "Don't do that!"

Hercules sighed. "Do what, Iolaus?"

"That-that… passive aggressive crap! I can't stand that. You know I can't stand when you do that!"

"I know," Hercules admitted. "But, you obviously don't want to talk, and you don't want to sleep, and I'm not tramping through the jungle in the middle of the night, so I guess we'll just... sit here. Not talking, and not sleeping."

Iolaus looked over at him, eyes full of something Hercules couldn't determine. Anger? Sadness? Maybe both? His face was pale, the dark circles under his eyes standing out like a raccoon's mask. He looked like he had aged years in a matter of weeks. He needed to rest. He needed… something. Hercules just didn't know what. Maybe a good kick in the ass.

"Why are you doing this, Hercules?" Iolaus asked, suddenly. His voice sounded strained.

"Because you look terrible, Iolaus. You look like hell. We probably both do. These dreams… nightmares… whatever, they're doing something to you. And I can't help you if you won't let me."

"Maybe I don't want you to help me," Iolaus said before he could stop himself, too irate to care why he was saying the words or where they had even come from. "Gods, Hercules, it isn't always about what you want to do!"

If Hercules was hurt by Iolaus' words, he didn't show it. He just sat in the same position on the ground, looking up at Iolaus calmly. "I know that, Iolaus. I just… don't like seeing you in pain. And you are in pain. I wish you would just tell me why."

The words were meant to calm Iolaus down, but for some reason they had the opposite effect. Rage filled Iolaus instead – boiling, hot bubbling anger that threatened to consume him. Instead of his friend, he saw someone he wanted to hurt, to rip and tear into shreds. He'd felt like this towards Hercules before, only it hadn't really been him. It had been something else, making him feel that way. He hadn't felt like this since he'd had that thing in his body, and he shook his head violently, willing the images and feelings to go away. That wasn't you. This isn't you. Dahak's gone. He's gone, remember? He clenched his fists and forced himself to breathe, and the rage suddenly dissipated just as quickly as it had come, leaving Iolaus feeling weak. He sat back down on his mat in a heap, rubbing a hand over his face.

"I can't," he told Hercules softly, once he'd calmed down enough to trust himself to speak. "I can't, Herc. I can't talk about this right now." Please don't make me…

This is what he had been afraid of, ever since they had stopped the Titans and there had been less and less for them to do. There was nothing to take his mind off it any longer. Nothing to hold back the pain and the memories, and the loss. He had been throwing himself into battles with reckless abandon, using anything possible to keep going, to lock it all away, so he wouldn't have to think about what it had felt like to not be in control of your own body, to be trapped inside his own mind while Dahak used his name and friends to do terrible things; had used him to do terrible things. And then to have been free, wrapped in the warm blanket of the Light, finally being able to rest, to know so much joy…

"I can't talk about this," Iolaus said again. "I'm sorry… I know you want me to. I know you want to help me but… I don't think you can."

Hercules got up then and crossed the distance between them in two large strides. He sat down next to Iolaus and put a hand on his shoulder. "I just wish you would talk to me. Whatever is bothering you, it just doesn't seem like you're dealing with it on your own. These nightmares… they're like when you first came back-"

"Don't," Iolaus stopped him, not wanting to go there.

"Iolaus," Hercules began again, gently, squeezing his shoulder, "you need help."

Too tired and drained to argue, Iolaus just nodded. "I know." You just can't be the one to do it.

Iolaus woke the next morning with one of the worst headaches he had ever experienced. Just the small amount of sun he was able to see through his eyelids made him want to curl into a ball and die. And for some reason, he couldn't feel one of arms. What the hell? He willed his eyes open, blinked against the harsh light, and tried to sit up enough to look around.

He was lying face up on the ground. His mat was rolled up and his stuff was everywhere. There was something large and warm next to him. From the weight it was putting on his arm, Iolaus assumed it was a boulder. He rolled over and came face to face with a yellow tunic. Ah. That explains a lot. He must have fallen asleep, thankfully with no more dreaming. Hercules had stayed next to him the whole night.

Iolaus felt a pang of guilt, which quickly started dissipating as Hercules started stirring and he thought he heard one of his bones snap. "Herc," he gasped, pushing the demigod in the back in a failing effort to roll him over. "Wake up!"

"Huh?" Hercules replied, tiredly. "Whassmatter?"

Iolaus punched him roughly. He doubted Hercules even felt it. "Get off me!"

"Hmm? Oh!" Hercules sat up and Iolaus swiftly pulled his right arm back, shaking it out to get the blood flowing again. "Sorry." He got up and made his way over to his mat and gear while Iolaus still tried to regain some feeling in his arm.

I should be the one apologizing, Iolaus thought, thinking of the previous night's events. "It's okay. I guess I managed to fall asleep?"

Hercules nodded. "Yeah. After your uh… outburst, you just lost all your energy and fell asleep on me."

My outburst. That's what we're going to call it? "Oh."

"You didn't have any more dreams, so that's a good sign. How are you feeling?"

Iolaus ran a hand over his eyes and tried to use the pressure points to ease the headache. "Honestly? Like we had one of our wild Academy parties."

Hercules barked a laugh. Well, his sense of humor is returning, the demigod though encouragingly. That's also a good sign. "Well, I'm sure we look like it, too."

"Mmm," was all Iolaus said in agreement. "So… about last night-"

Hercules stopped packing just long enough to give Iolaus a wave with his hand. "Don't worry about it."

Iolaus stared at him in complete and utter astonishment. And you wonder why I don't want to talk to you? "Don't worry about it," he repeated back, slowly.

"Yeah, it's okay."

The pounding in Iolaus' head was becoming louder. "No, Herc. Look… I'm sorry I yelled at you, and threw my pack…" My pack. It had broken when he had slammed it roughly on the ground last night. Iolaus sighed, aggravated. But Hercules was already grabbing a few of his items off the ground.

"It's okay, Iolaus, I can fit some of it in mine. But, you get to carry the rest. Here," he said, holding out his hand. Iolaus could see the leather strand of his amulet dangling in the air.

"Oh. Thanks." He took it and slipped it over his head. "I really am sorry about the whole yelling at you... thing."

Hercules shook his head. "I told you not to worry about it. You, uh, had a rough night, and those dreams can't be fun."

The anger was coming back. Iolaus clenched his fists and tried to remain calm. "I do worry about it. And would you stop doing that?" Hercules was still picking up Iolaus' things.

"Okay," Hercules said, noncommittally. "Apology accepted."

Iolaus fought the urge to start raging again. He's doing this on purpose, I swear. Looking anywhere but at Hercules, he nodded, and said, "Okay."

Hercules just stood there with his hands on his hips. "You going to help me, or what?"

That caught Iolaus off guard. Oh, right, I told him to stop being nice to me. "Right! Yeah, sorry." He started handing random things to Hercules. A few minutes later, Hercules somehow managing to fit everything into his pack except Iolaus' weapons, they were ready to continue on to Corinth.

Iolaus could tell Hercules was trying to be non-confrontational, which was very unlike him. The demigod seemed unwilling to push him, as if he was walking on eggshells. Yeah, and whose fault's that?

Iolaus sighed, and just as he was about to open his mouth to press the issue, Hercules turned to him and said, "When we get to Corinth, we should look for some herbs in the market to help you sleep. We'll get to Jason's, and then… we can figure out what's going on."

Iolaus wanted to tell him he didn't want any sleeping draughts. That he really didn't even want to go to Jason's anymore. But, again, he just nodded. "Okay, Hercules."

Hercules nodded back. "Okay," he said, clapping his friend on the shoulder and heading back off towards the path through the forest.

"Okay," Iolaus said again, and followed.

It was evening before they finally arrived at Jason's. Any and all attempts to engage Iolaus in conversation had been a miserable failure. Hercules was very concerned. Iolaus had never been very good at hiding his feelings, but for the first time in what felt like his whole life, Hercules was having trouble reading his friend.

They had stopped in the market to pick up some herbs that were supposed to help with calming the nerves and sleeping. To Hercules' dismay, Iolaus also picked up a jug full of wine. Never a good sign, Hercules thought, sadly. Hercules had only seen Iolaus this way twice in his life – when Anya and the boys had died, and when he had come back from death this last time. Hercules had brought Iolaus back before; once, when he had been turned to stone, and the other when he'd rescued him from Tartarus after the Enforcer had beaten him to death. Both of those times, Iolaus had bounced back immediately. The thing with the Enforcer had shaken him up, mostly because of the way he had died. But this last time had been different. There had been a shadow behind his friends' eyes, and the dreams had started coming. Hercules had tried to ask him about it, but either Iolaus couldn't find the words, or didn't want to. He said the dreams had been about Dahak, that he was having nightmares about the things he had done. Hercules had tried to reassure him, "That wasn't you, Iolaus. You have to put that stuff out of your mind. You didn't do those things." But it hadn't helped, and Hercules could tell Iolaus wasn't telling him everything. Soon after that, they'd had to defeat Sin and send her and Xerxos back to wherever they came from. The dreams started lessening, then stopped completely, and Iolaus seemed to forget whatever had been causing them and gone back to his old self. So, Hercules had let it go. It was obvious to him now that probably had been a mistake. They hadn't had much work, which had been a welcome break for Hercules, but it seemed the lack of action was getting to Iolaus. He regretted not letting Iolaus apologize and talk to him that morning. I should have just let him get it out. Here I was complaining about how he didn't want to talk to me, and then he tries, and I blow him off. He resolved to make things right with him once they got to Jason's. This was his friend, his brother. He didn't get him back from Dahak and the dead just to lose him again to these nightmares.

Jason came out to greet them as they walked up the pathway to the house. "I expected you two a few hours ago," he said to them, smiling warmly. He clasped Hercules hand and pulled him in for a quick hug, which Hercules returned.

"Yeah, well, we had a late start this morning," Hercules said. He gave Jason a small nod at Iolaus, who was staring off into space, looking exhausted. Jason looked back and forth at the two of them.

"Ah," was all he said. He turned to Iolaus, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Everything okay?"

Iolaus seemed to snap himself out of his reverie, and smiled at Jason. "Yeah, sure. How's it going?"

"Well-" Jason began, but Iolaus cut him off.

"Good! Here, I brought wine." Iolaus stuffed the jug into Jason's hands and made his way into the house.

Jason watched him go, and then exchanged a look with Hercules. "All right. What's going on?"

Hercules shook his head, following Iolaus and indicating that Jason should too. "I'll… tell you later. If we stand out here any longer, he'll know we're talking about him."

Jason couldn't argue with that. Iolaus had an uncanny ability to know when people were having a conversation that revolved around him, and especially when those same people didn't want him knowing about it. What's that expression? Feeling like someone stepped on your grave? Jason thought, and then winced. Bad choice of words…

The two of them entered the house to see Iolaus getting out some cups. "Want me to open that?" he asked, nodding at the jug of wine that Jason was placing on the table.

"Don't you want to eat first? I made lamb." Crossing his arms, Jason nonchalantly leaned against the kitchen wall while Hercules set down their gear by the front door.

"Nah." Iolaus took his dagger and sliced open the top of the jug. "Not hungry."

What followed was one of the loudest silences Iolaus had ever heard. He looked up from pouring his wine to see Hercules and Jason staring at him with a mix of astonishment and concern. He narrowed his eyes. "Fine," he said, grumpily, getting back up, "I'll go get the lamb." He made his way out of the house to the back yard where Jason had left it roasting.

As soon as he was out of earshot, Jason whirled on Hercules. "Not hungry my ass. What the hell is wrong with him?"

Hercules quickly gave Jason an abridged version of the previous night's events. "They're getting worse," he concluded. "I don't know what to do."

"I could use some help out here!" Iolaus called. Jason rolled his eyes.

"We'll talk later," he said. "Come on. Iolaus may say he's not hungry, but I'm starving."

A few hours and half a jug of wine later, most of the lamb was picked clean and the three of them were sitting around the table, reminiscing. Iolaus was acting normally, although Hercules thought the three cups of wine he'd had probably helped with that.

Jason was leaning back in his chair, his feet propped up unceremoniously on the table. "Watch it," Hercules said, playfully. "I doubt my mother would be too pleased to see you doing that."

Jason laughed. "You'd be surprised what your mother let me get away with," he said with a wink, which made Iolaus collapse into a giggling fit. Hercules rolled his eyes.

"That's enough of that." The demigod poured himself a cup of water while Iolaus reached for the wine. Hercules was about to make a move to stop him, when he caught Jason's look out of the corner of his eye. The former king shook his head. Not now, he seemed to say. "So," he began, "what have you boys been up to?"

"Boys," Iolaus snorted into his cup. "Okay, old man."

"Very funny. I may not be able to do anything about you, but I am this one's stepfather."

"Don't start," Hercules said, but a smile was playing on the corners of his mouth.

"But seriously, when is the last time we were all here together?" Jason asked, gesturing at the house. "Probably right after…" but he stopped. An awkward silence filled the room. Well this is going well… Hercules thought, clearing his throat.

"So," he began, changing the subject. "How's Iphicles holding up? Still sending for you every other day?"

From the looks on both Jason and Iolaus' faces, it wasn't working. So much for that.

"He's good." Jason carefully studied Iolaus. "Academy is doing well, too."

"Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. Still can't picture you as a teacher." Iolaus swirled the wine around in his cup.

"Hey, I taught you a thing or two in my time."

This got a derisive snort out of Iolaus, who set down his wine and started picking absent mindedly at what lamb meat was left. "When do you head back up to the Academy?"

Jason shrugged. "I have some work to do around here and then I plan on heading back again in the next couple days." He gave Hercules an inconspicuous look out of the corner of his eye. "And no, you can't help."

"Me?" Hercules raised his eyebrows. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Yes. You. If you so much as go near that wall, I'll kick your ass."

Hercules huffed indignantly. "I finished that already."

"Uh, huh."

"Well," Iolaus said suddenly, throwing the thoroughly cleaned off bone back onto his plate, "this has been fun, but I think I'm gonna turn in."

Hercules and Jason exchanged glances. "Okay. I'm sure you two could use the rest." Jason gestured at the table. "I'll clean up. Hercules, I made up your old room-"

"That's okay. I can help you out here." The demigod got up and went over to the door where they had left their gear. "Here," he said, coming back over and thrusting a small pouch of herbs at Iolaus.

Iolaus stared at them silently and didn't take them. Jason looked back and forth between the two, and then plucked the bag out of Hercules' hand, studying it. "What's this?"

"Nothing," Iolaus said, the same time Hercules answered, "Herbs for sleeping." Jason sighed.

"I'm fine," Iolaus insisted. "Good night. You two have fun." He got up and headed for the bedroom, but not before refilling his cup with what was left of the wine.

"Good night." Jason shrugged, tossing the bag back on the table. "You probably shouldn't mix that with all the wine you've had anyway."

Iolaus stopped, flashing Jason a look that Hercules couldn't quite read, and snatched the pouch off the table. "I'll be fine."

"Suit yourself," Jason called after him. A few moments later, they heard the door shut, loudly enough to let the both of them know that Iolaus was not pleased with them.

"Why did you let him do that?" Hercules started, but Jason put a hand up to stop him.

"Help me get this mess off the table, and then we'll go outside." Jason stood and began stacking the plates. He looked up to see Hercules' worried expression directed at the bedroom door. He cleared his throat, and when Hercules turned to him, pointed at his ear and then at the door.

Right, Hercules thought. He shook his head and started carrying things into the kitchen.

As soon as Iolaus shut the door he had thrown the herbs violently at the adjoining wall. He could hear the clanging of dishes as Hercules and Jason cleaned up. Yep, go ahead and talk about me like I can't hear you. Oldest trick in the book. He shook his head angrily and quickly threw back the remainder of the wine. He had been too preoccupied to really notice the food or the conversation that evening. On the walk to Corinth, he had remembered a few details about the dream and it made him uneasy. It had definitely been a Dahak dream. But it had the feeling of something else as well. The whole way Hercules had tried to get him to talk about it, and it took Iolaus swatting him with his sword sheath to get him to knock it off. Sometimes Hercules' mothering was too much, even for him.

He could tell Hercules thought he was trying to avoid the whole situation, and part of him was. But the rest of him was lost in thought, even as they got to the market and Hercules all but forced him into the medicinal tent to get the sleeping herbs. He didn't have any intention of using them, but he got it to appease Hercules. He just cares about you, he told himself. He's been lost without you, and you without him. He's brought you back to life how many times now, for Zeus' sake?

Maybe that's the problem, a small part of him answered. The realization brought him up short. That's stupid, he told himself. He didn't want to be dead. He wanted to be alive, here in Greece, fighting back to back, with his friend, his brother. He wanted to feel the sun on his skin, eat delicious food, sleep with beautiful women, roll in the gods damned mud if he wanted to. He wanted… he wanted…

Peace, that small part of his mind said. You had that, remember? And then it was taken away.

No!

He didn't want to think about that. He couldn't think about it. He was happy. He was happy, dammit! But, that small part of his mind was still there, niggling at him, telling him he was just saying that to convince himself, and Hercules, that everything was fine. You're not fine. You're losing it, Iolaus. And then he'll find out…

Will you just SHUT UP?!

The noise in the kitchen stopped suddenly, and Iolaus realized he must have said that last bit out loud. "That's just great," he muttered, and let his head fall back against the wooden door he was still leaning on. Thud, thud, thud. It was almost therapeutic, until it mixed with the already hazy feeling the wine was giving him, and then he felt a headache coming on. He slid down the door onto the floor and put his head in his hands. Everything was going to Tartarus in a hand basket. It's not fair, he thought, angrily.

Iolaus stopped, his ears picking up on the recognizable foot fall of Hercules coming to the door. That confirmed his suspicions that he had been talking to himself. Iolaus sat still, his back against the door, listening. He could almost sense Hercules' indecision about whether to knock on the door or not. Don't, Iolaus silently pleaded. He couldn't understand why. He was conflicted, insides bubbling with turmoil. He wanted Hercules to leave, yet he wanted him to stay. He had wanted to stay and enjoy his friends' company, yet he had retreated to the bedroom. He was happy to be home, to be back with Hercules and Jason, hell, even Autolycus, and yet he wasn't. He was angry. Gods, he was so angry. Angry at everyone, at everything that had happened. At Dahak, at Nebula, at Gilgamesh, at that idiot Ares, at Hercules-

Iolaus blinked, startled by that revlation. That was it. He was angry at Hercules. The clarity lasted only long enough for Iolaus to hear the demigod's footsteps walking back toward the kitchen, apparently deciding on his own not to disturb his frien, and then the confusion set in again. Why would he be angry at Hercules? He'd done nothing wrong.

No. That's not right. He hadn't tried hard enough to get Iolaus to talk, and Iolaus knew part of the blame in that rested with him. He had pushed everything down in the rush of euphoria he had experienced at being back, being alive. Hercules had been so happy, so beside himself with joy at his unbelievable luck that he'd gotten Iolaus back again that the two of them just went on, like nothing had happened. Iolaus thought it would be easier that way, and he had tried to forget. Forget what it had felt like to be trapped in his own mind, to have his very soul in the grip of something so foul, so evil, that it had literally left rips and tears in his spiritual self. To see what was happening and be unable to stop it. To forget that it was he, Iolaus, who fell for Dahak's plan because of one moment… one tiny, stupid moment of jealousy and that need to know what it felt like to be better than Hercules, just once, just for a moment…

A moment was all it took. A moment had cost Iolaus and Hercules, and a lot of other people, far too much. He'd regretted it instantly, but it was too late. It had been what Dahak had been waiting for. Just a split second, just enough of a slip of Iolaus' resolve, and Dahak had consumed him. He knew now, that as much as he tried, he would never be rid of what that felt like to have Dahak inside him. It was a stain on his very soul.

So, who was he really mad at then? Hercules, or himself?

Iolaus rubbed his eyes tiredly. This was just too much. He could feel the finely crafted wall he had put around his mind over the last year cracking and crumbling. The things he didn't want to admit, or remember, were slowly wiggling their way out of those cracks, like tiny worms. He couldn't keep ignoring them, or they would drive him insane. He knew that, from the things he had learned in the East.

Things had been so much clearer before, when he was there. Well, not exactly... At first things were about as clear as mud. His grief at losing Anya had left him dazed, unable to cope with anything or anyone around him. It was his first real experience with loss. He was never close with his family. Hercules and Alcmene were more family to him than his own brothers and parents. In fact, other than Hercules, he had never let anyone get as close to him as Anya had. And then, just as quickly as he had known her, she had been snatched away and Iolaus was left reeling. How could he have felt such love and happiness, only to have it snuffed out like a candle? He'd blamed the gods, thinking they had punished him for all the times he had metaphorically spat on their faces with Hercules and Jason at the Academy, and he had run. He'd abandoned everything and everyone, including his two small boys. He'd left his children, because every time he looked at them, he saw Anya. He'd left because he couldn't cope.

And now here he was again. He felt his throat closing up with emotion, and he tried to swallow it down. When was the last time he had even thought about Anya? It had been so long, he couldn't even remember. Like with what had happened over the last year, forgetting about Anya and his boys had been a lot easier than dealing with the pain. Sometimes he even had himself half convinced it had never happened – he had never had a wife, he'd never had a family. But that was obviously not true, and it annoyed him that he was thinking about them now.

Pushing everything away, he sat up straight and slowed his breathing, trying to quiet his mind. He needed to meditate, to be alone. Hercules and Jason were probably off by the cow pond somewhere, talking about him. Okay. That was fine. They could stay down there all night, for all he cared. He just needed some time to be alone, gather his thoughts, have some peace and quiet…

Peace. You had peace. Remember? Iolaus' brow furrowed in concentration, trying to silence the annoying voice. You won't find it here. No peace, no joy, no hope-

Snarling in frustration, Iolaus got up off the floor in an angry whirl and snatched the discarded herb pouch as he stood. "I'm going to make you be quiet," he growled through clenched teeth, dumping the entire contents into his hand. He had not wanted to go to sleep tonight, but he hadn't wanted to stay up either, and it seemed meditation was out as well, so he might as well get himself into a drug induced stupor. He looked around the room for something to drink, and then remembered he had drank all the wine and there was no carafe of water on the bedroom's small table. Cursing, he crushed the herbs together as best he could with his own spit, trying to turn them into some kind of makeshift paste, and then licked whatever he had concocted off his hand and forced himself to swallow.

It was awful. He shivered involuntarily as the aftertaste lingered on his tongue. "Ugh," he sputtered, "disgusting!" Maybe it won't work and I'll have more nightmares. Then I can throw it all up again. The thought made Iolaus giggle manically. He started to walk toward the bed when the room started to spin.

Wow, he thought, blinking, that's some strong stuff. And then he passed out cold.

Hercules had had just about enough of Jason's puttering around the kitchen when he had heard a shout coming from the bedroom he used to share with Iolaus. He furrowed his brow in confusion and turned to Jason, who looked equally baffled. The former king shrugged. Frowning, Hercules tossed the rag he was holding to the side and started towards the door.

"Hercules," Jason warned, tiredly, but the demigod waved him off.

"I'm just checking." He paused at the door, listening for any more strange outbursts.

"Leave the man alone. He's got a lot on his mind," Jason stated. He took the remaining rags and dirty water bucket to the door to dump out, ignoring Hercules' look of surprise.

"How do you know?"

"Hercules, would you just come outside?" Jason hissed at him, going out the door and continuing to mutter about old mothering demigods.

Hercules took one last look at Iolaus' door before shaking his head and following the former king. There was something going on, and he didn't like it.

He found Jason in the front yard, the now empty dishwater bucket at his feet, leaning against the stone wall Hercules had built for Alcmene. He eyed it and Jason carefully as he approached.

"You can stop looking for things to fix," Jason sighed.

"There's some cracks I need to fill."

"No, there aren't."

Hercules pursed his lips together but said nothing. "What you need to do," Jason continued, "is pipe down and listen to me for a second."

Hercules crossed his arms and joined Jason, leaning against the wall next to him. "Okay. I'm listening." But Jason merely took a deep breath and didn't elaborate. "If you know what's going on with Iolaus, it would be nice if you could share. I mean… I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried talking to him; he shuts me out. It's not like him to… bottle his feelings up like this." Jason still didn't answer. "If it's about Dahak… I wish he would just understand-"

"Understand, what Hercules?" Jason interrupted.

"That it wasn't him! That I've forgiven him, even though there was nothing to forgive, because I could tell he needed that. I've asked him about what happened, I've tried to talk to him-"

"No, you haven't. Not really. And that's okay," Jason added, seeing Hercules start bristling next to him. "The gods know you had your own demons to deal with after what happened, no pun intended. The both of you have dealt with things no one should deal with." He paused, as if trying to find the right words that would both convey the right meaning and also not get Hercules worked up into a fit. "Hercules… Iolaus, uh… he remembers everything that happened to him when he was…" He gestured wildly.

"Possessed," Hercules stated, firmly. "You can say it."

"Fine. He remembers everything from when he was possessed."

"He told me that already."

"No, Hercules," Jason said, sadly. "I mean, he remembers everything. Dying, being trapped in that limbo, his soul unable to move on. The things he… Dahak… did to Nebula, to me, to everyone here."

"But that was Dahak."

"I know that, Hercules. But he remembers like it was him. They are his memories."

Hercules shook his head, pushing off the wall in annoyance. "Why are you telling me this? How do you know all of this stuff?"

Jason looked as though he really didn't want to answer that question, but he sighed tiredly and admitted, "Iolaus came to talk to me."

Hercules stopped in his tracks. "Iolaus came to talk… to you?"

That got a glare from Jason. "In case you forgot, he is my friend, too."

"You know what I mean."

Jason rubbed his hand over his eyes. "Yeah, I know. Look, Hercules… there are some things he just couldn't tell you. And, he needed to get it out. He could tell you were still dealing with some of your own guilt, after what happened with the druids in Eire and that whole thing with that other Iolaus, whatever it was. He didn't want to burden you."

"Burden me?!" Hercules was genuinely hurt. "How could Iolaus think that anything he was feeling or anything he had to say would be a burden to me?" He made a disgusted noise and turned away from Jason, staring off into the near-by woods. "When was all this?" he asked, finally.

Jason shifted uncomfortably. "A few months after he got back. Remember, you two split up for a week?"

"He said he was going to check on his old forge-"

"And he did. But then he came to the Academy, to see me. That caused a stir, let me tell you what. The kids thought he was that other one. Thanks, by the way, for leaving me that mess to clean up."

Hercules looked at Jason then, guiltily. "Uh, sorry," he said. Hercules had given Iolaus the gist of what had happened with the duplicate Iolaus from the other world, but hadn't gone into detail. The truth was, he didn't really know how to explain it to himself.

"Yeah, you're sorry. I don't think I've ever seen him so pissed. Anyway, once I calmed him down from that, we were catching up. He knew you had sent word about the circumstances of what happened, but he wanted to see me and tell me in person."

"Why didn't he just tell me what he was doing?" Hercules asked in bewilderment.

"Because you would have wanted to come along."

Hercules threw his hands up on in exasperation. "Hercules, one day you are going to have to learn to accept that there are some things you can't fix. And this is one of them." Jason pushed off the wall and came to stand beside his friend and stepson. "Look, I don't know what's going on with him right now, but when he came to see me he was dealing with a lot. It was hard for him to just push what had happened aside. He knows he had no control over it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't affect him. And he felt responsible. Dahak needed one moment of doubt to get into Iolaus' heart, and he gave it to him, Hercules."

"That's not true!" Hercules yelled, angrily, storming away again. He didn't need to hear again about how everything was Iolaus' fault. He heard it enough from that thing that had possessed his friends' body. It was a lie. All that thing did was lie. He wished for half a second Dahak was still around, just so he could have the satisfaction of crushing it into a million pieces all over again.

"You can deny it all you want to, but Iolaus is self-aware enough to know that Dahak couldn't force his way in. He told me that. A part of him had to be willing. Now, I don't blame him for anything Dahak did. A man's mind and his soul can only take so much before he'll do anything to stop the pain. You know it, and I know it. Don't try to lie to me, Hercules. You tried to sink a fucking ship while you were still on it, for Zeus' sake!"

"Dahak manipulated him!" Hercules argued. "Iolaus didn't know what he was doing. That thing twisted everything Iolaus stood for, everything he said, and tricked him into accepting it!"

"Yes," Jason agreed, "and it destroyed his soul. Maybe you ought to remember that. Humans don't bounce back from something like that as quickly as you would like."

That stopped Hercules in his tracks. "What, exactly, is that supposed to mean?" he asked, very slow and very deliberately.

If Jason was disturbed by Hercules' tone, he refused to show it. "It means exactly what it sounds like. He needed some time. Maybe he still does. It was easier for him to forget about it and focus on helping people. But, he needed someone to talk to."

"And he couldn't talk to me." Hercules shook his head again, exasperated. "So, I try to talk to him too much, and I'm a mother hen. I leave him alone, and he goes to talk to you. Unbelievable."

"He couldn't talk to you, Hercules. You were so damned happy, he didn't want to ruin it by bringing you his problems. That's all."

"That doesn't make me feel better whatsoever."

"It wasn't supposed to. Look, Hercules… after we talked, he seemed better. I think he was still feeling some emotions he didn't want you to see. So he came to talk to me. Now, obviously, either he wasn't feeling as good as he thought he was, or he straight up lied to my face. But either way, he's dealing with something. The man died, was possessed, moved on, and came back to life again, all in the span of a year. It's not something you and I can sit here and say that we can understand. And it's an offense to him if we try to act like we understand. All we can do is be there for him. I… I don't know if what happened is necessarily something he can get over. And, you need to understand that." He put his hand on Hercules shoulder. "What happened was nobody's fault. But things are not the same as they were before you two left for Sumeria. You both can't keep pretending that it is."

Hercules remained silent for a long time. They both stared out into darkness, the smell of pine and wet earth their only company. Just when Jason started thinking he had over stepped his bounds, Hercules turned to face him. "Whatever I did or didn't do… I thought it was what was best for Iolaus. The last thing I would ever want to do in this life is hurt him."

Jason gave him a half smile. "I know that. To two of you have a bond. Now, don't get sappy with me. I know how you feel about me, you fool. The two of us, well the three of us actually, have a bond, too. But the thing with you and Iolaus is different. I'm not jealous, and I never have been. Besides, the both of you talk way too damned much for me to spend more than a few weeks with you anyway."

That got a snort of amusement out of Hercules. "Right. Between the two of us, who exactly has been the big bag of wind this evening?"

"Shut up," Jason said, playfully, but then sobered just as quickly. "Think about what I said, Hercules. I mean it. You weren't the only one who lost him. I don't think either of us can afford to lose him again."

Now

"Fifteen dinars?!" Iolaus exclaimed, making the people around him jump. He was standing at a pink tent, a loaf of bread, a pomegranate, and a block of cheese in front of him. He glanced around and lowered his voice, "Fifteen dinars? For that? That's not worth more than eight!"

The woman in front of him was not impressed. "Inflation," she stated.

"Yeah, you're not kidding." Maybe a lot had changed after all. "Look, I haven't got fifteen dinars. All I have are these." He dug out a few coins that were decorated with dragons. "They're called panas. They use them in India."

The tradeswoman looked dubious. "They have holes in them."

"They're still metal. See?" He bit one. "And they only have holes in them because they came off the guy I was staying with's money tree."

That only seemed to make things worse. She stared at him for a long moment, decided he was a lunatic, and started removing the food and putting it back.

Sighing, Iolaus put the panas back and opened his pack. "Stop, stop, stop. Look, I also have these." He pulled out a few folded up pieces of silk, shells, and small stone figurines. He'd had a feeling he was going to have to trade for goods and other services once he returned and had brought back a number of foreign items. He was saving the pearls for if he needed to hitch a ride somewhere, as he had done with the cargo ship captain to get him back to Greece. Iolaus put one fold of silk and a tortoise shell on the table. "These for the bread, pomegranate, cheese… and a water skin, if you have one."

The shop owner fingered the silk, seemingly in awe at its texture. "India, you say?"

"Yeah. It's called silk."

"You want to part with this?" She seemed amazed.

Iolaus shrugged. "They make a lot of it."

"Are your clothes made out of it?"

Iolaus took a step back as she tried to touch his shirt. "Um, yes… but I'm keeping that."

The woman scowled, but then took the folded silk and handed him back the shell. "I don't have a water skin, but you can have the rest."

Iolaus pocketed the shell and smiled in gratitude. "Thank you," he said as he gathered up the food.

"But you need to get yourself some dinars," the woman added as he was packing back up and walking away.

"I'll figure it out. Thanks."

That should last him for a bit, at least, until he figured out where to go. The first thought that came to his mind was Alcmene's, but he didn't know if Jason still lived there. Or if he's still alive. Iolaus tried not to think about that. Jason had been in good health when he'd left. And they were that old, for Zeus' sake.

No, he knew who he needed to find. Part of him was just really not looking forward to it. The other part was soaring, giddy even. Was he still traveling around, fighting warlords and monsters? Had he settled down again? A dark thought entered Iolaus' mind. What if he had…? No. Surely he would have heard about that, even as far away as India.

Twenty years was a long time. Iolaus hadn't intended to be away for so long, but he'd also needed to. Maybe… maybe he was still angry with him. What if he didn't want to see him at all? Iolaus wouldn't blame him if he didn't. He had been gone a very, very long time with no correspondence. He had sent only one letter, once he had arrived in Chin, letting him know he had arrived safely. And to not come looking for him.

Iolaus sighed. The tradeswoman was right. He needed to get some Greek money. And, he had to find Hercules.

Then

Still mulling over what Jason had said, Hercules softly opened the bedroom door so as not to disturb his friend and had intended to sneak quietly into the room. However, he found that he could not push the door open more than halfway. Perplexed, Hercules peaked his head in, squinting in the darkness to see what was blocking the doorway, only to see the slumped over form of Iolaus on the floor.

"That's just great." He knelt down next to Iolaus, who seemed to be out cold. "Jason," he called, as softly as he could.

The Argonaut paused as he made his way back to his own bedroom to poke his head in the door. "What is it?" Then he saw Hercules on the floor. "Dammit. I told him not take that stuff when he'd been drinking."

"I'm sure he will be really excited to tell you tomorrow that you were right."

Jason snorted. "At least he had enough sense not to crack his skull open. Even unconscious, he knows how to take a fall. Let's get him up."

Jason took Iolaus' feet and Hercules hefted him from his shoulders, and they started to lift him onto the bed when Iolaus suddenly started thrashing at them uncontrollably. Hercules heard Jason hiss in pain around the same time he got a well-timed hit from Iolaus to his right eye. They unceremoniously threw him onto the bed, and he calmed immediately.

"I thought that stuff was supposed to calm him down so he doesn't dream," Jason said indignantly, rubbing his chest. "He kicked me!"

"Yeah, well, he got my eye." Hercules stared down at the now peaceful form of Iolaus. "Does he look like he's smiling to you?"

"He better not be. Those herbs should have knocked him out until at least midday tomorrow." Jason threw one more withering glance at the blond before turning to leave. "Good luck."

"See you tomorrow, Jason."

Jason shut the door behind him, leaving Hercules alone with Iolaus and his thoughts. What Jason had told him hurt, deeply. That Iolaus couldn't and wouldn't confide in him made him feel like he had failed in some way. Maybe Jason was right, and he had just been too wrapped up in the fact that Michael had given Iolaus back that he didn't care about what had happened before. The dig about humans not bouncing back as quickly had stung. As part god, he healed physically and mentally from things faster than normal humans. But, he also felt things a lot more deeply than humans as well, as evidenced by his reaction to the murder of his family, and his downward spiral into depression and near insanity after the events in Sumeria. It wasn't that he bounced back quicker, it was that he'd had longer to come to terms with the fact Iolaus was really gone after Zarathustra had taken him to the Light. He had almost convinced himself he was over it, that he was done mourning, when Iolaus had miraculously popped back into his life. Iolaus had seemed just as happy. But Hercules had forgotten that Iolaus had been dead much longer this time. Maybe… maybe Hercules had been wrong. Maybe he had missed something, some clue that Iolaus was suffering. And Jason was right; he couldn't understand what Iolaus had gone through, so he didn't know how to approach the subject. Hey, Iolaus, how about you tell me about that time you were dead and a demon took over your body and killed a bunch of people? Not likely.

The other thing Jason had said, about it not being anyone's fault… that was something Hercules couldn't get past. He had told Jason what had happened in Sumeria, and the comment was about Hercules as much as Iolaus. He didn't care how many times he heard from people, even Iolaus himself, that his friend had given into Dahak willingly, he would never, ever blame Iolaus for what had happened. It wasn't as if he had joyously embraced Dahak. Iolaus had been spiritually tormented and manipulated into doing it. Anything Iolaus felt at that time was based on lies. But Hercules had dragged him to that gods forsaken place to begin with. If Hercules had just stayed out of Sumeria… What? he chided himself. Nebula would have been killed in Iolaus' place, most likely. Would she have let Dahak in? He didn't have answers to those questions, and he learned in Eire not to deal in what-ifs. He'd also learned that his life was shaped by helping people. As much as he blamed himself for getting Iolaus into that situation in Sumeria, he wouldn't have said no, even if he had wanted to.

It's nobody's fault… Hercules snorted disdainfully. Right.

He didn't want to disturb Iolaus, so he got some blankets out of the room's small cupboard. Hercules smiled fondly at it. Alcmene had purchased this one and the one in the front room for him and Iolaus when they were younger. Iolaus spent more time at this house then his own, and Alcmene always had the room ready for either one of them, or both. She had gotten tired of them leaving their gear strewn about everywhere when they had come to visit, so she had purchased the other cupboard so they could store it all out of the way.

He took a deep breath of one of the blankets he had pulled out. It smelled like her. Hercules suddenly felt very tired, and very sad. If mother were here, she would know what to do. He had always counted himself lucky that he had been raised by such a strong and kind woman, like Alcmene. Everything that was good in him, he got from her.

Everything is so screwed up, Mother. I don't know how to fix it.

Hercules unrolled several of the blankets onto the floor and laid down. He saw a small, dark shape out of the corner of his eye and rolled over to pick it up. It was the herb bag, and it was empty. He didn't know too much about the herbs, but he was pretty sure Iolaus wasn't supposed to take the whole bag of them. Hercules sighed. Jason said they should have knocked Iolaus out until tomorrow afternoon, but he hadn't known known his friend had taken them all. Hopefully, he would wake up before it got too late tomorrow.

Maybe some yard work will help, Hercules thought, yawning. I don't care what Jason said, I saw cracks in the wall. And the garden has weeds…

Hercules wasn't sure when he had drifted off, but he awoke with a start. Something was very wrong. He looked around the room, trying to figure out why he was on the floor, and then he had remembered that Iolaus had passed out and he and Jason had thrown him on the bed.

Which was empty.

Fully awake, Hercules jumped to his feet. The sheets were hanging roughly off the bed, and the bedroom door was open. Hercules cursed and ran out into the main part of the house. "Iolaus!" he whispered, as loudly as he could. Jason's door was still closed and Hercules didn't want to wake him up if he didn't need to. "Iolaus!" He stopped when he saw the door to the yard was open. Iolaus' vest was also on the floor. Hercules bent over to pick it up. It looked like Iolaus had literally ripped it off, and there was something wet on it.

Blood.

"Jason!" Hercules yelled. He heard a crash from the back bedroom and without waiting for Jason, he tore out of the house as fast as he could. "Iolaus!" He looked around wildly, searching for any sign of where his friend had possibly gone off to. Hercules cursed again. Those herbs. Either taking all of them with the wine made him worse, or didn't help at all. He thought he heard a splash, and ran down to the cow pond but it was empty. What in Tartarus?

He turned as Jason came barreling out of the house, half dressed, carrying his jewel studded sword from when he had been Corinth's king. Hercules frowned. "What's that for?"

"Hell if I know! You were screaming! What's going on?"

Hercules thrust the vest he was still holding into Jason's empty hand. "Iolaus is gone."

Jason stared at it and then tossed it onto the ground. "What do you mean, he's gone? He was out like a light."

"I don't know! I woke up, and he was gone. The door was open and his vest was on the ground." Hercules ran a hand through his hair. "I thought I heard a noise, like water splashing, so I came down here."

Jason's brow furrowed. "There's that stream that's not too far from here. But how did he get over there so-"

Hercules wasn't listening. As soon as the words had left Jason's lips, he was tearing across the yard and into the nearby forest. He didn't even stop to see if Jason was following. Running as much on instinct than anything else, he made his way down the familiar path through the woods and then cut a sharp left, pushing branches and bushes out of his way as he made his way down to the beginnings of the river the stream lead into. It wasn't large, but it was deep enough for someone to drown in. Someone who was half asleep and probably hallucinating, as Hercules was pretty sure Iolaus was.

Hercules slowed down as he made his approach, listening carefully. He could hear more splashing and what sounded like a man's voice. He looked behind him, but Jason was nowhere to be found. As he made his way to the riverbed, he saw Iolaus standing in the middle of the water, about waist deep. He looked like he had lost the rest of his clothes somewhere, but Hercules wasn't paying much attention to that as he was Iolaus' arms, which had deep scratches and were bleeding profusely. Iolaus kept scooping up water with his hands and rubbing it on his chest and arms, muttering something indecipherable. What parts of his arms that weren't bleeding were pink, like they had been rubbed raw.

Hercules stripped his shirt off and ran into the water. "Iolaus! Iolaus, get out of there!"

Iolaus ignored him. He just kept scratching at his arms. Hercules could hear him muttering as he got closer, "Get it out, get out, get out…"

Hercules waded out to him and grabbed his shoulders just as Jason came crashing through the bushes. "What's going on?!" Jason exclaimed, but Hercules was too focused on Iolaus to give him a second glance.

"Iolaus," Hercules tried again, "wake up!"

The blond either couldn't hear him, or wouldn't. He shook his head violently, still tearing at his own skin, trying to pull off things only he could see. "It's in me, I have to get them out!"

Hercules shook him, then grabbed his hands to prevent him from hurting himself, but Iolaus slipped and almost went under water. "He's going to kill himself, Hercules, get him out of there!" Jason yelled.

"Iolaus!" Hercules shouted, practically in his friends face. Iolaus' eyes were squeezed shut, his face drawn and pale. He tried to pull his hands free again, kicking out under the water at the demigod.

Hercules grit his teeth, held both of Iolaus' arms down with one hand, and slapped him across the face.

He didn't use his full strength, because that could have easily knocked Iolaus' head off. But he gave it enough force to shock him into waking up. Iolaus' head snapped back, and he stood stock still. But then he turned back around, blinking and looking very confused. Hercules started to let his arms go, when Iolaus' eyes finally came into focus. He yelped and looked around wildly, startled and afraid, and almost slipped again and went under. Hercules grabbed him and held him upright. "Iolaus, it's okay! You were hallucinating! It's okay!"

Iolaus was breathing heavily, still trying to get his bearings. He started shaking, and Jason came down to about knee length in the water. "Bring him here. I grabbed some blankets after you ran off," he said to Hercules, who began to guide Iolaus to the riverbank.

"Come on, Iolaus, it's okay," Hercules soothed him. Iolaus said nothing, but he allowed Hercules to help him to Jason, who wrapped the blanket around his shoulders. He was still shivering violently. Jason put an arm around him. "I'll take him back to the house," he said.

"No," Hercules protested, "I've got him. Thanks, Jason. Just… grab my shirt for me?"

Jason looked like he wanted to argue, but then he nodded. "I'll grab some of the firewood from the stockpile, too. Get him inside, quickly."

Hercules nodded, and pulling Iolaus close, started making his way up the bank and to the path.

Iolaus stayed quiet through most of the walk, but he had stopped shivering. He pulled the blanket tighter around himself. "My arms hurt," he said, suddenly.

Hercules tried to keep the emotion out of his voice. "Yeah, I know. You were scratching at them."

Iolaus said nothing. The pain that Hercules felt at seeing his friend this lost and helpless was almost too much for him to conceal, but he didn't want to upset Iolaus anymore than he already was. "You lost your clothes somewhere, too."

"I noticed." Water from his hair kept dripping down his face and into his eyes. "Those herbs sucked."

It would have made Hercules laugh, or at least agree, under normal circumstances, but he just pulled Iolaus closer and kept walking up to the house.

Hercules finally got Iolaus inside and into a chair by the hearth. "Let's get you warmed up." He frowned at the ashes, and then looked up expectantly at the door. "Where the hell is Jason?" He started to go back outside when Iolaus moved faster than Hercules thought possible at that moment and grabbed his arm tightly.

"Don't leave."

Hercules looked into his friends eyes. He couldn't tell if Iolaus was crying or if it was the water still dripping from his hair, but his eyes were pleading, and scared. Hercules took a deep, calming breath, and then took his friends' hand in his. "I'm not going anywhere."

Iolaus nodded, and then sat back into the chair again. He didn't let go of Hercules' hand. The demigod sat down on the floor next to the chair. His back to Iolaus, he put his other hand to his face to try and hide the tears that threatened to overtake him.

The door opened then, and Jason walked in carrying an armload of firewood. He looked at them, his expression grave, and then placed the pile by the door. Grabbing a few logs, he walked over and threw them into the hearth.

"Hercules," Jason said, placing a hand on his shoulder, "get that started. I'm going to go make some tea." He saw Hercules' face. "Or, maybe I'll go grab something stronger."

"Thanks, Jason." He slowly removed his hand from Iolaus'. "I'm going to start the fire, okay?"

Iolaus just nodded, staring into nothingness. Hercules grabbed the flint rock and proceeded to get the fire going. The heat felt wonderful. He hadn't noticed how cold he was from trying to get Iolaus out of the water. If he was cold, Iolaus must be chilled to the bone. "Want me to get you some clothes?" he asked him.

"No."

Hercules pursed his lips, but then pressed him, "Iolaus, you need to put on something dry."

"I said, no," Iolaus answered, forcefully this time. "Just… Can you just sit here with me, and be quiet, and not try to fix every little thing? Just once?"

Hercules nodded. "I can do that."

"Good."

Hercules stoked the fire, and then sat back down next to Iolaus again. The floor was wet from the both of them dripping, but he didn't care. After a while, Hercules turned back to look at him. "Iolaus, you know that I would do anything you asked me to. You know that right?"

Iolaus took a shaky breath, closed his eyes, and nodded. "I know. That's what makes this so hard."

Hercules had nothing to say to that.

After a few moments, Iolaus' breathing slowed into a normal, steady rhythm. Hercules glanced over at him to confirm he was asleep, then he got up to get some dressings for Iolaus' arms.

Iolaus didn't wake as he tended to him, but he twitched a few times, and was still freezing cold. Hercules sighed, and putting the bandages down, picked Iolaus up and carried him back to the bedroom. He removed the wet blanket and placed Iolaus in the bed, covering him with the sheets that had been torn off earlier. He got the dry blanket that he had been using from the floor, draped it over Iolaus, and then went to find Jason.

The former king was sitting on the back porch, drinking out of a small skin. "Cure for what ails," he muttered as Hercules came to join him. He raised the drink to him. "Care for some?"

"I don't drink, you know that."

Jason scowled. "Don't be an idiot." He handed it to Hercules. The demigod gave Jason an annoyed look, and then sniffed the contents experimentally. "What is this?" he asked Jason, taking a sip.

"Ouzo."

Hercules swallowed, coughed, and handed it back to Jason. "It's terrible."

"It's cheap. I left all the good stuff with Iphicles." Jason took a long drink, swallowed and grimaced.

"He's going to leave," Hercules said, suddenly and so quietly that at first Jason thought he had imagined it. He looked Hercules over, and then handed him the liquor again.

"You're probably right."

Hercules took another sip. "What do I do?"

"Nothing," Jason said. "You do nothing, except drink that and wait for tomorrow."

For once, Hercules didn't have the energy to argue.

*Very long A/N: Hello everyone! Long time, no write. I actually haven't picked up the metaphorical pen in about seven years. I was scared to even start writing this, figuring I had forgotten how do create anything useful. So... why Herc, why now? Hercules was my jam from when I was 11 to about 16 or 17. I grew up on it, and my whole group of friends in high school would get together every week and watch it together. I was already heavily involved in theater at that point and had been writing since I was nine, so emotionally, I took the fifth season like a blow to the head and heart. As a fan, I was destroyed. As a writer, I was infuriated with the lack of development and the way the handled the entire situation with Iolaus and Dahak, and the complete lack of Iolaus and Hercules dealing with the aftermath of it all. So, I got the DVDs and promptly never watched the show again. I washed my hands of the whole situation and chocked it up to those idiots Alex K. and Bob O., who then went on to write more crap and get paid a bunch of money. But I digress...

I had had this story in the back of my mind since I was a teenager, and while my writing has certainly improved and the idea has changed somewhat, the whole concept of Iolaus dealing with Dahak, and Hercules and Iolaus dealing with their relationship, has not changed. I very strongly feel they breezed over it completely, and I don't know if it was a macho 90s thing or what, but it wasn't right. I don't care how tough you are, you do not die, get possessed by a demon, go to the Light for a few months, and then come back to life and continue like nothing happened. While Xena and Gabrielle get all these angsty, lets deal with our stuff episodes. O_o

I hated what they did to Iolaus. This was a character that had been there since day one, the first movie. And they treated him horribly. They killed him, had him succumb to jealousy and allow a demon to possess his body and run rampant throughout the world killing gods and people, and then disappear, supposedly forever. And there is the argument that the Light cured him of whatever harmful things Dahak had done to him, blah blah blah. And maybe that was Ren Pics excuse at the time. But it is something that bothered me, and rewatching the series has done nothing to change that.

My sister's boyfriend and my cousin's husband both served in Afghanistan and Iraq, and still to this day have problems associated with PTSD. With the death of Robin Williams, it really brought the whole subject of depression and mental illness to the forefront of people's minds. I myself have suffered from severe depression for years and have tried to kill myself. And like I said, you don't go through the things Iolaus went through and just walk away, TV show or not. This character was a person, with emotions and problems, and the way the glanced over it was so disrespectful. So, if people read this and think, "Iolaus would never leave again" or "Iolaus is being OOC" just remember that people with PTSD also behave out of character, because they are suffering. They are suffering from something that we cannot understand. Sometimes it shows the signs over time, for others it's like a light switch. And it is important to me that people understand that PTSD is not something that should be dismissed. It is so often overlooked or misdiagnosed, leading to people becoming addicts or committing suicide. After everything Iolaus went through, I would not be surprised in the least if he had PTSD or was traumatized in someway, and it's something I have been wanting to explore for a while. And let's face it, the fifth season was a traumatic event, for the character and for the fans. I am not familiar with all the symptoms of PTSD, but I have several friends who suffer from it, and the way that people with PTSD, depression, eating disorders, etc are treated is horrifying to me. And it was important to me that I show that things like what happened to Iolaus affected him, and should affect him, and a trauma like that would make you behave in ways that aren't always readily understood.

To Wite Love on Her Arms is a great organization to get behind, and if you would like any info, or if you or someone you know is suffering from depression or PTSD or is having suicidal thoughts, please visit their website. Wounded Warriors is also a great organization for the support of veterans*