Disclaimer: I own nothing! *Tears*

"Did I tell you how happy I am that you're okay?" Josh mumbled into his girlfriend's hair as he pulled her into another hug. Together they stepped into the detective's apartment, still in their embrace.

"Yeah, I think so," she giggled half-heartedly. Kate new she should be elated: she had survived being locked in a freezer and a bomb threat, she was getting a medal from the mayor, and her boyfriend had canceled his trip to Haiti for her. And yet, something had been nagging at her ever since she had said goodnight to her partner. Castle. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him.

"Hey," the doctor pulled back and lifted up her chin with a finger until she met his eyes, "what's wrong? You're quiet tonight."

She shrugged him off and sat down on the couch behind her, not meeting his eyes but trying to smile. "I know, it's just…..been a really long day." Beckett new the excuse was vague and lame, but her mind was spinning and she couldn't concentrate. I didn't even get to talk to him. I should have thanked him, offered to buy him a drink, something... I just wish I knew what he was going to tell me before Josh showed up.

"Do you want to talk about it? Anything in particular bothering you?" he sat down close to her and took her hand. God, he was so understanding and caring. So why can't I just feel happy being here with him?

"No," she started to wall off, as she always did when someone wanted her to talk about 'feelings' but instead it came pouring out, "I just-today…I keep thinking about how lucky I am. I could have been killed three times in the past few days." There. She had said it, and that made it a hard fact. And every time, Castle was there with me.

"You're very lucky, and Castle is, too, that he has you to protect him," Josh smiled and placed a kiss on her cheek.

"I didn't protect him, though," she admitted softly, "if anything I'm the reason he's in this mess. It feels so backwards, but he's probably the one who saved me," she smiled genuinely this time, and laughed a little. "God, he has the strangest ideas sometimes. He's the one who stopped the bomb," she shook her head, "just grabbed it and pulled all the fucking wires out with two seconds left on the clock."

"He's brave, and he's smart in his own way," the doctor said, "it's easy to see why you like him so much, and why he likes you." Beckett's smile froze as her easy laughter died in her throat, and she turned to her boyfriend in surprise and apology.

"Josh-" she started.

"It's okay, Kate," he took her other hand and looked her in the eye wearily, "look, I love you and…what we have is great, but I can see you're not all there." She lowered her eyes, feeling guilty both because he thought that and because it was true. "I see the way you're eyes light up when you talk about your work and when you tell me about the antics your team and Castle get into, but you know I'll never fully understand that."

"Yeah, but we know all that, and it's part of the fun that we can tell each other about our jobs," she pointed out. Why was she fighting so hard? Hadn't she just been thinking about why she wanted to go to Castle? Because Josh is dependable and he loves me. Josh is safe. Castle is wild and unpredictable.

"I know. And I know that you could learn to love me and I think a part of you wants to," he told her softly, "but I've seen the way he looks at you. He would do anything for you and has done everything but die for you. I've noticed how you never get coffee in the mornings because Castle will already have some for you and that he calls to check in when he's worried about you. When we got you out of the freezer, he asked for you as soon as he woke up."

"That's just Castle," she rolled her eyes slightly thinking about their rituals, "he's like a lost puppy dog the way he follows me around and he's overprotective. He has a daughter, it's understandable," she defended. Kate realized that while a large part of her was overjoyed and fluttery at hearing all this from an outside person, another was clinging to the oblivious friendship that they had used to share.

"Kate…." He sighed, closing his eyes briefly, "he loves you, and you don't realize it but I think you love him, too. And that's why I booked a red-eye flight to Haiti for tomorrow morning." He stood, pulling his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend with him. He pulled her into a final hug and whispered in her ear.

"I want you to be happy. I want you to go see him and be happy." She nodded numbly into his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Josh. I tried, and you deserve better."

"It's not our fault." With that last whispered sentiment he was gone, silently exiting the doorway of her apartment, and her life, and shutting the door to both as gently as he could.

Kate stood holding herself for a while, replaying all the conversations of the day in her head. The one with Josh, just moments past, with Castle in the radiation tent, in the freezer when she had almost told him how she felt (though now she couldn't even remember what she had said exactly) when they had faced the bomb and afterwards.

I have to go at least talk to him. There are things I have to say and things I need to hear him say. So she grabbed her cell and her car keys, and left without looking back. Her famous determination could not fail her now.

Soooooo? Like? Love? Hate? Please review! Nothing bothers me more than people who alert or favorite a story and can't take 5 seconds to write a quick 'Update this fabulous story!' (though longer, detailed reviews are preferred).

!TBC!

Also, if anyone wants to have lengthy, detailed discussions about 'Countdown' and Castle in general, I am needing someone to share my racing thoughts with!