Title: Even Superheroes Need Fashion Consultants
Fandom: Blue Beetle
Genre: General/Humor
Rating: PG
Main Characters: Jaime, Khaji Da
Summary: Jaime gets ready for a date while Khaji Da is its usual snarky self.
Notes: For socchan

{Recommendation. Turn left immediately. Ninety-seven percent chance of attack on the right.}

"No Scarab, I've gotta go right. The chalice I have to get is on the right."

{Warning. There is only a three percent chance of success.}

"I know! Jeez, be quiet a second and let me think!"

Jaime sighed, looking from the path on the right to the path on the left. If the Scarab was correct, which it usually was, he couldn't go to the right. But the left path wouldn't get him anywhere near the chalice.

"Scarab, is there a way to get around the baddies on the right?"

{Calculating numerous attack plans. Conclusion. Turn left.}

"But I can't get the chalice if I turn left!"

{Proper firepower is lacking. Conclusion. Turn left or perish.}

"Oh don't start in on the firepower issue. That is not my fault, you know! I've gotta turn right!"

Jaime turned to the right, and before he could react, the barrel of a blaster gun pressed against his temple and fired.

GAME OVER the screen flashed as Jaime cursed and tossed down the controls.

{I told you. Conclusion. Next time turn left.}

Standing up from in front of the TV, the teen turned off the screen and reached down to switch off the game system. "I heard you the first time, Scarab. But I'm telling you, I cannot go onto the next level without getting the chalice first. The map shows the chalice on the right side, so I have to go right."

{Incorrect. The right path is a trap. To acquire the chalice turn left and use your limited firepower to open the secret door.}

Jaime paused in pulling off his shirt and growled, "Scarab, why didn't you tell me that when I was playing the level?"

{Because you didn't ask. You asked for which way to turn to avoid attack. You did not inquire as to why.}

Throwing his shirt aside, Jaime rolled his eyes. Life used to be so much simpler when he didn't have a snarky piece of alien tech attached to his spine. Sulkily refusing to speak to the Scarab due to its probably purposeful lack of help in defeating level ten, Jaime walked into the bathroom and started to get undressed.

I've got one hour before I'm supposed to meet up with Traci at the restaurant. That should be enough time to get ready and hope no baddies turn up to cause trouble, he thought to himself as he got into the shower.

A few minutes passed in blissful silence, until he went to soap up his chest and Khaji Da piped back up.

{Your muscles have become more toned. Reason. You are carrying more of the weight.)

Jaime sighed. "If you're trying to get me to talk to you, it isn't working."

{False. You talked to me in order to answer. Conclusion. I have succeeded.}

"You know, I'm trying to stay calm and not totally freak out on our first really nice date. That would be a lot easier if you weren't snarking at me every five minutes."

{Timestamp shows it was less than five minutes.}

"Argh! Will you be quiet?" He threw up his arms and almost slid into the tub. Catching onto the walls at the last minute, Jaime braced himself.

{You have been using less of the armor's strength. Result. You have built up more muscles of your own. Example. You just managed to not fall on your ass.}

Part of Jaime wanted to fight back, part of him was flattered that the Scarab had noticed him taking on more of the brunt of the work; but his overwhelming thought at the moment was, "Did you just say 'ass'?"

{Ass. The buttocks. A donkey. See also: idiot. Conclusion. Use of word appropriate.}

"Ha ha."

Scrubbing the soap around to his back where Khaji Da was attached, Jaime poked the beetle's blue exoskeleton.

"Maybe Ted Kord had the right idea in not putting up with you. Still a superhero without dealing with a scarab-suit that mouths off and talks back."

{You'd miss me.}

Jaime sighed, making sure he'd rinsed all the soap from his back. "The sad part is that I would. Where else can I get an alien tech suit that'll snark back at me all time?"

{Calculating chances of acquiring that. Result. Negative one hundred and seventy percent chance.}

"Oh come on, I'm not that unlucky. Maybe I'd find a power ring or something."

Khaji Da didn't reply, but Jaime had a feeling that the slight computer-like whirring and clicking noise that filled his head was probably laughter.

Turning off the water and stepping out of the shower, Jaime started to towel off. Glancing at his dad's watch on the sink, he realized he'd already wasted thirty minutes in the shower. As he pulled on the clean clothes he'd hung on the back of the door, the scarab piped up again.

{Chances of attire being laughed at. Result…}

"Hey!" Jaime cut in, looking down at his nice suit, "It doesn't look that bad!"

Jaime felt a warm sensation, like that which usually accompanied his transformation into the Blue Beetle, sweep over him. When it stopped, the bow tie was gone and the suit still looked nice but a bit more casual.

{Repair complete.}

"What are you now, my fashion consultant?" He asked, not about to admit that the Scarab was right.

{I give assistance when needed. This was an instance in which it was needed.}

Not about to waste more time bickering, Jaime shook his head and started to scrounge around in the cabinet for some cologne. Picking up two different bottles, he took a sniff of the first one.

{Try the one on the left.}

"It's always the left with you, isn't it?"

{It is a scent that is much more desirable than this one.}

"And you know that, how?" Jaime put down the first bottle and tried the second. It did indeed seem less overpowering.

{I know everything.}

"Yeah. Except when you don't."

{Your scent is attractive enough as is. Conclusion. Use a minimal amount.}

"Uh…right. So should I be worried about your apparent infatuation with my muscles and now my scent?" Jaime asked, dabbing a small amount of the cologne onto his neck.

{I am your friend. I am supposed to know everything about you.}

Deciding that he needed to have a long talk with the Scarab about the difference between close friendship and stalking, Jaime started when his mom called out.

"Jaime! Traci's here!"

Running his fingers quickly through his hair, Jaime rushed out of the bathroom and down the hall. Skidding to a halt by the front door, he smiled at his Traci who was standing just inside the doorframe.

"We'll be home by ten, unless I have to save the city from giant taco eating turtles or something." He pecked a quick kiss on his mom's cheek and turned to Traci, "Ready to go?"

"Of course."

As the two walked out the front door, Jaime glanced over at Traci's attire. She had her hair pulled back in a braid and wore a beautiful red dress that was tight on her figure.

"Y-You look nice," he stammered.

"So do you," Traci replied with a smirk.

{Your body temperature just went up by 0.7 degrees.}

Jaime barely caught what she said over the scarab's comment. "Shut up!"

Looking at him quizzically, Traci blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Ugh. Sorry, the scarab won't be quiet. He keeps picking on me today."

With a laugh, Traci sidled up next to Jaime.

"He's probably just jealous," she said, running a hand down Jaime's back. "Don't worry little guy, I'll share him with you."

And much to Jaime's relief, that seemed to appease the scarab and it behaved the rest of the night. Well, mostly…