My theory of Darkness : Dymond G
There's two definitions of darkness 1: the partial or total complete absence of light. 2: wickedness or evil. When most people hear the term darkness they think weird morbid people or them being in their rooms with all the lights turned off. How would I define "Darkness" I would say living is darkness, going to school… feeling isolated from entire school is darkness. My whole entire life its all I've felt … alone like I'm in some remote world where no one can hear my screams or feel my pain. Like one of those kids with the disability's at school. I feel different from others, as if I'm the undefined and forever unwritten. If you asked me to define happiness I wouldn't be able to, I'd be completely ad underlay clueless. What is happiness who invented it, I'd like him or her to teach me how to be it. Tell where I could find it and possible keep it.
I've never felt happiness, repeatedly let down & torn up. When happiness does come about I push it away. Smiling is just an act…it's not real…it's not genuine. I smile to keep my parents off my ass and from sending to the looney bin. I've actually gotten quit good at hiding my feelings and presenting a fake smile it's not that's hard anymore…see doesn't it look real. My darkness gets so deep within me like a never ending black hole, it can never be filled. "I actually think sadness and darkness can be very beautiful and healing "Duncan sheik. This quote kind of describes me a little! I talk of wanting happiness but sometime the darkness and the loneliness is like a home sweet home comfort to me. It's like the only thing that's there for me always has been. When I'm inconsolable and heartbroken it seems like the darkness is the only thing that understands. It's the only thing there to comfort me when I'm upset. It's the only thing that has my back. It's a best friend…my best friend.
When I was in the 5th grade I stared cutting myself. The slicing felt kind of good with nice sting afterwards when they started to heal. It was like the blood dripping from my arm felt good watching it drip slowly on my wooden floor I could hear the droplets hitting the floor. Like a soothing melody I thought. Rachel meed said "I stopped. She was bleeding after all. Perfect lines crossed her wrists, not near any crucial veins, but enough to leave wet red tracks across her skin. She hadn't hit her veins when she did this; death hadn't been her goal." Death wasn't my goal…. My goal was to release some of the pain that I felt some of this distraught I was feeling. The cuts seemed to please me in such a morbid way kind of disturbing when you think about it now. "Could a scar be like rings of tree reopened with each emotional season" my scars have faded but I still felt the pain I felt when picked up that blade and started to cut.
My life is not what everyone pictures it to be. Everyone thinks that I am the girl with all the friends, the girl that everyone adores. I have friends but not many I have admires but few, I am no fairy tale. I don't have tons of friends my life is far from extravagant. I mean we're about to move again because my dad can't get his head in the game and realize that what he does causing the family torture. He's been to prison three time and he still doesn't realize it. What now … we're going to move to some house I'm going to have to switch schools and start all over. It's like he only thinks of himself, he doesn't care how this make me feel. I could never get comfortable anywhere because a year later we're back at the start of the game of life. It's so tempting not to self-harm but I have to use my head and keep my shit and order. Part of my depression comes from my dad, I'm tired of moving all over the damn world because he wants to make a quick $1000 bucks. I'm tired of having to renew myself because I can't let people know the real me. People are so quick to judge now and days.
So you got it my theory of darkness it's not my full thought of it. I'm just being lazy right now and don't feel like writing it all. Depression is something that not everyone goes through and I hope that no one ever goes through it. Depression screws up your life it makes you a bipolar, multi-personality person, that no friend, family, or man one wants to deal with. So if you suffering from depression just know you're not the only one. Just know that the girl you think is the most popular is the least popular. Just know that I'm here for you and anyone who needs it. I've been there I've done that I've seen that & I've cut that. Will this depression ever leave? Will I ever find my happiness will someone ever bring me happiness will someone teach me how to love and show me what happiness is and how to keep it? Drag me out of his malicious depression? I don't know. So I'll continue on with my wait.
This is for my loves who are going through the worst.
I love you even if no one does…I do and genuinely.
Sincerely your girl Dymond