If I Could Find the Words by Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. The Program is going to be public and Sam has lots of work to do, but it is her birthday today. Posted for Sam's birthday celebration.
Spoilers: all seasons of SG-1 and Atlantis, including the movies.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.
If I Could Find the Words
Chapter 1
A.N.: This is the first of a few stories I am going to introduce this week and I will look at what kind of reception they get from the readers in order to decide which one to finish posting first, right after I am done with Memories of the Heart. They are all finished. I just need to choose what to post first. Thanks for reading!
It's my birthday today. I'm forty years old. You could say that I'm a happy woman. I have great friends and my relationship with my brother and his family has greatly improved in the last years. Of course, I miss my father and, in spite of all the time passed, my mother, but I understand the losses as part of the logical progression of life.
My career is going very well, too.
Yeah, I'm happy.
Except for one little thing.
Well, maybe not so little.
"I'll be right behind you."
It all started right after that.
I actually knew he wouldn't be there. I dreaded it, at least. I've known him for too long not to understand that to fulfill that kind of promise is not his prime objective; to ensure that we all escaped unharmed is more likely.
In any case, we were back at the Base and he wasn't. That day, as Vala showed her own desperation in front of anyone who dared to be in the same room with us, I felt jealous for the first time. It surprised me. It essentially struck me with a truth I had refused to acknowledge since the very beginning.
What I wanted was to cry, publicly, and let everybody know that losing him was killing me, again.
Instead, I kept my pain quiet and I helplessly watched how she received all the comfort and consolation our people had to offer. I had more right to the comfort; I had more right to the pain. Daniel was my best friend; he had been my teammate for nearly ten years; he was the other half of me…
But nobody approached to reassure me that Adria would have no reason to kill him or that he would find a way back. Not even Cameron. Only Teal'c seemed to know what was going through my head and, that first evening, right before walking to his quarters, he silently squeezed my shoulder in a clear gesture of understanding and an offer of shared hope.
I went to sleep in my quarters at the Base, unable to go back home with the knowledge that I wouldn't be able to talk on the phone with Daniel as I usually did right after every rough mission.
There, in the darkness of the underground bedroom, while I cried myself to sleep, I accepted for the first time that I needed him more than I had ever suspected. That I wanted more of him. That I envied what he had, or not ─I still didn't know─ with Vala.
She was obviously in love with him and, in spite of all of his protestations, I wasn't sure if he wasn't in love with her, too. But, even if he didn't love her, he had taken her as one of his causes and their proximity bothered me deeply. Don't get me wrong; I didn't have anything against her –she's even become my friend these days– but against what she took from him and he didn't mind giving me.
Considering that I had never told him or showed him what my feelings for him were, it wasn't hard to understand why he didn't correspond. Taking into account that I didn't really know what those feelings were until then, it was easy to explain why I hadn't told him.
It's harder to comprehend why I didn't tell him afterwards, either. He found his way back to us –or we found him– and everything went back to normal. I kept my secret and I refused to even probe if there was a chance that he shared my feelings. I went to Atlantis and I came back and I still didn't say a word.
Since I returned from Atlantis I haven't spent much time at the SGC. I had a couple of very rough days after my talk with Woolsey and I was so shaken by the loss of my command that I didn't even feel like going home. Everything felt futile and, when Landry finally got back from Washington and called me to his office, I was facing the worst depression of my life.
He was very kind and explained to me that I had been given a special assignment that required me to leave Atlantis, something Woolsey had conveniently left unsaid. I was put in charge of supervising the revision and preparation for publication of every scientific paper born through the program. I not only have to finish my own papers to be published in different Science Journals, but I have to make sure that all the other scientists' work is up to par. Over the years, we have shared some discoveries, those that could be explained without betraying our secret, but there's much more to give.
It's been a gargantuan job to update all the knowledge we have acquired during these years in the program, but it's urgent that we're ready to make it available for the scientific community, now that the Stargate is finally going to be public. Besides, I'm enjoying every minute of it. This is my scientist side at its best; no soldier in the horizon to interrupt; no weapons in sight.
Daniel has received no smaller task, the social studies review. Almost nothing has been revealed in that area until now, so everything will be complete news for the public and, more importantly, for the scholars who laughed at Daniel's theories long time ago.
I admire how he has managed to do his part while still having a full-day schedule at the SGC as the new man in charge. I admire how he deals with the government, the teams, and the other scientists and still smiles at the end of the day. He's told me more than once that it feels more difficult than facing the Goa'uld or the Ori and I think I understand that better than anyone. However, I have discovered that for me it's even harder to face him with my new truth.
After I was told of my new responsibilities, I requested to do the job from an off-site location. With Daniel at the head of the S.G.C. it was not hard to get. I rented this small riverfront cottage on the Gunnison River and it was immediately furnished with secure lines and all the equipment I would need to do my job.
I'm not too far from Colorado Springs –just over three hours– and I'm only five minutes away from the airport, in case I need to get there faster.
The place is beautiful, even during this time of the year. The nights are very cold, but the days are sunny and beautiful. It's the perfect place to let me enjoy nature –terrestrial, home nature– during the day and push me to finish my work at night. I work better at night. It probably reminds me of the depths of the base.
Today is a special day. He's coming to see me. He usually comes every Friday night and he stays for the weekend, but this week is different. He spent Christmas with Teal'c ─who's now going to Washington for a week─ and he skipped the weekend here, but we're going to celebrate the New Year together and he's going to remain with me until the fourth of January. Almost a whole week for me.
Please, if you are enjoying this story, be kind and let me know. Thanks.