Hey there everyone! Wickedly Caskett here, a turn towards something different for people who've read my Wicked stuff. Don't worry, I'll still be writing Wicked every now and then but I've just fallen in love with Castle. After a trillion watches of that promo and digging through the promo pictures, I just had to get this out in writing. I'm a bit new to writing Castle fanfictions so bear with me! Disclaimer, I don't own anything to do with Castle unfortunately of course, wish I did... Enjoy!
It was a few days into the sniper case. Just a few.
And already the strongest person Richard Castle had ever met, ever, was spinning out of control.
It all started out small, with her throwing up the walls she threw up around herself whenever something got too close for comfort. She hid in that fortress and kept her usual stoic demeanor. She kept up her usual professionalism, pushing any personal ties to a case aside to give that strong front. Keeping that strong front up even when inside she was a complete disaster area. Kept that strong front even when Lanie said the victim was almost definitely killed by a sniper. Even when the first body that had dropped was followed by a second, shot almost immediately after they had arrived on site and informed on the body. The third though. The third shot rang out and she had just dropped. Her legs ceased to support her and she just fell with a completely horror-stricken look on her face, something nobody was used to seeing. Not on her. Not on her face.
There hadn't been any more shots after those first three. They had returned to the precinct. She hadn't spoken, hadn't spoken much at all. Just gave curt nods and simple yes or no answers. She spent a while just staring into empty space whenever they were driving and hit a light or something akin to it. She kept biting her lip the whole ride back. He had caught her hand gripping the area where she had been shot more than once, even when she pried her hand off. She seemed to always find that pain again and it would draw her back into that haunted world.
At the precinct Gates had lived up to her name of Iron Gates. Everyone was slammed into the case that could be slammed into it. During the briefing she hadn't been in the front and center like she usually was absorbing every scrap of information shared, oh no. Sitting off to the side, away from everything and everyone, with the same distant look she had had during the car drive. Everyone was concerned for her. Everyone was. Even Iron Gates defrosted a bit and asked her if she was alright. That was surprising. Suppose even the Ice Queen could see how this was affecting her. As she usually did, she just shrugged it off and told everyone she would be fine and was fine.
Nobody really believed her. But trying to hold her back wouldn't have helped. At least, they had thought that any of them trying wouldn't have helped. It was like putting her off her mother's case's trail. Everyone seemed to think only he had a shot of actually getting to her. It was probably true for something like this. He probably was the only one who could get to her. Even if it did mean she would undoubtedly lash out at him. And oh boy, did she ever lash out at him.
"You don't think I can handle this?" she had said bitterly, her harsh tone more cutting than a knife, "You don't think I'm strong enough to handle this?"
"Kate," he had said, "You know I think you're the strongest person I have and will ever meet. I just don't think it's a good idea for you and your health to be chasing this case. Look at what it's done to you. One day in, and you're already drowning."
"I'm fine, Castle," she had said defiantly as she began to turn away from him and head back to the murder, well murders at that point, board, "Now we have a job to do. Unless you don't think I can handle that."
"Kate wait," he had said, "We're going to catch this guy."
"Like we caught the guy who shot me?" she had growled, whirling back around to face him, "Like we caught who killed my mother?"
"Listen, we are going to catch all of them," he had replied, matching her fiery eyes with a flaming gaze of his own, "But you're not doing yourself any favors by getting involved in this case."
She had stormed off at that.
She had avoided him and almost everyone else completely after that exchange. She pushed everyone away. She pushed Lanie, Esposito, Ryan, heck even Gates away from her. Her father had called him to check on her, because she was refusing even her own concerned father's calls. She was just shoving everyone away. Keeping everyone distanced.
The next day she had come in with a massive bandage on her arm, insisting she was fine to work. When asked about it she just nonchalantly mentioned that she had cut it on some broken glass by mistake. Nothing about the breakdown he would hear of later that was its true cause. Nothing of the emotional crash she had truly had. Oh no. None of that would come out until she truly fell down that rabbit hole.
She had worked furiously that day, completely submerging herself into the job. Until another shot rang out. They rushed to the scene. Another shot. Another body. Not even a block away, in view of the first. They had been outside a hotel at the time. She just panicked. She looked like she was suppressing a scream, her eyes grew wider than he had ever seen them, and she just ran. Ran straight into the hotel where she had been staying due to a "mishap" at her apartment the night before. The person at the desk said she just blindly ran into her room and locked herself in. He was the only one who they thought could get her out.
He had sprinted down the hallway as fast as he could, calling her name, pausing at a door at which a sound that physically pained him was coming out of. A cry of anguish. Full of so much suppressed pain and suffering that it felt like a knife was getting stabbed into his heart. Oh no. Oh no…
"Beckett!" he had yelled, hearing choked, hysterical sobs coming from within the room, "Kate!"
"Go away Castle," he heard her attempt to get out through the hysteria.
"Kate, open up, please," he called, knocking on her door and hearing her breath catch at the pounding, "Everyone's worried. Please let me in."
The wracking sobs were still stabbing him through the door and a broken voice had called "No, I can't Castle. I just can't…"
"Kate, do you want me to go get a key and let myself in?" he had said, "I don't want it to come to that. Please, just let me help you…"
"I don't need your help!" he heard her hysterically yell, her voice cracking, "I just need to be alone."
"No you don't," he had said, "You can't do this alone, Kate. You shouldn't have to do this alone."
Only her heaving, choking sobs now came from the room. She was shutting him out again. Emotionally, verbally, and physically. The sound was murdering him on the inside. He had to do something. He had then convinced the people at the desk to give him a key with his ruggedly handsome looks and charm… alright, alright, maybe with Esposito and Ryan's help. He got into her room and saw her collapsed on the floor against the wall, holding her head in one tear drenched hand and holding the area where her scar was in the other. Her eyes were empty and tortured as they stared at the ground in front of her, and she turned her head up momentarily to look at him. Her look was empty, not seeing the present. She just wasn't there.
"Kate," he had said, approaching her cautiously, "Are you alright?"
She ignored him, staring with her pained eyes at the floor still, taking quick and shallow breaths. Her chest heaved with sobs she was trying her hardest to stop, but only really making them worse. Tears flowed against her will from her wide eyes, her body wrecked with the panic and fear the gripped her. She was muttering something, shaking as her grip on the scar area grew tighter.
"Kate, talk to me, please," he said, kneeling down by her, "Everything's going to be alright. You're okay. We're all okay…"
"The city isn't okay," she said quietly through the sobs, "The sniper… the sniper… sniper…"
She trailed off, her eyes growing wider as she gripped the area around her scar even tighter. Her eyes alone told him what she was probably seeing. The idea of why she was remembering this would come later. Later. Right now, as hard as she was obviously trying to, she probably wouldn't be able to get this under control alone. She'd shoot him if he said that out loud, but right now… Right now, he had to help her. It was his job.
"Hey, focus," he said, "Focus on me. Focus on the present Kate. You can do it. Shh… it's okay… Just breathe. Slowly. In… out…"
She curled up into herself around the scar, leaning into his side as she took shuddering, gasping breaths. She shut up her eyes tight, blocking out the world. Trying to block it all out, everything, everyone. He noted the hand that had been holding her head now gripped the ring around her neck like a lifeline. One of the few things keeping her grounded in this chaos.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked gently as her breathing slowed, receiving a miniscule nod of no from her, "Alright then. Just keep breathing, Kate…"
And that's how he had ended up with her curled in his side, with her trying to get her wild breathing and sobs under control. Some torturous minutes later of just sitting like that she opened her eyes and found Castle's eyes. Her breathing was still coming in hard and irregularly, but it was back to a more normal pace. The remnants of panic still held her gaze, and his concerned eyes met hers. Her eyes flashed with a multitude of emotions, from the panic that still gripped her to anger that she had let him see her at such a vulnerable point to anger that she gave into the panic. She let out a shaky sigh before turning her head away again and closing her eyes.
"Thank you… for helping me through this," she had whispered a few minutes later, startling him somewhat, and turning to face him again.
"Always," he said, a small smile gracing his lips. Her mouth lifted at the corners almost imperceptibly before he tentatively hugged her tight. She returned the hug, and he held the trembling woman in his arms he thought he'd never see fall. She buried her head into his shoulder as he held her, held her up. Small tears still fell from her eyes as he traced small circles on her back with his hand. She drew a deep breath.
"Do you think you can get up Kate?" he said, "I think it would be a good idea to get you walking a bit."
She bit her lip for a moment before nodding again as he helped her up. She got up shakily, hating herself for her weakness as she began to gain her confident walk back. Before they had even left the room he saw her vainly try to piece back together that stoic detective, put those walls back up. But… he could still see the cracks. The cracks that destroyed her behind her eyes. But she would pretend they weren't destroying her. She would pretend, as she always did. Put on that brave face, that shield, shove her emotions to the side. Pretend.
They left the hotel and Ryan and Esposito soon walked up. The duo glanced at each other a moment before Esposito spoke up.
"So Beckett," Esposito said, unsure, "We talked to Gates and she agreed that you should take the day off… at least until…"
She looked at him, anger beginning to build in her eyes before dying back down. Her voice lacked her usual… usual… thingwhen she spoke although she did fake it fairly well, "Alright. I guess it would probably be for the best."
"Yes, and as it is probably not for the best for you to stay in this area," he said cautiously, watching her expression, "Perhaps it would be a good idea to stay somewhere where there are people who can look out for you. A safe place…"
"If you're trying to invite me to your loft without sounding like you're calling me weak or sound like you have other intentions, Castle," she said, her voice holding a bit of her usual spark in it, "You are slightly failing. But I think it would be for the better."
He suppressed a sigh of relief and nodded at her, "Well then, I guess we ought to get moving then."
Her face was still unreadable but at least he had gotten somewhere. She was calmer now. She would be somewhere he could watch out for her. He gave Ryan and Esposito a nod before quickly hailing a cab and zooming over to the loft. He made sure she was settled in on the living room couch, which was definitely a temporary location and just for now. Beds could be discussed later. All was done in silence. Her eyes were still distant, her hand still toying with her mother's ring around her neck.
"So um…" he said, breaking the silence, "You must be hungry. I can order something, heat the Chinese up, cook… whatever you want. Just tell me."
She looked up at him behind strands of hair that had fallen out of her earlier tight bun, giving him a small smile, "You can just heat something up Castle. I don't need anything amazing simply because I had a… issue… earlier today."
"Of course," he said, and headed towards the kitchen, keeping one eye on her as he walked towards the kitchen. She was heading back down that downwards tunnel, albeit a different one than she so often teetered on the edge of, but still spiraling out of control nonetheless. He grabbed the leftovers from a previous night out of the fridge and tapped some numbers into the microwave, popping the food in. He kept an eye on her as he waited for the food to finish heating up. She looked scared. Not just scared of the sniper. Not just scared of everything in life. Scared of herself. Scared that she had given in to that emotion, that breakdown. Scared that it had happened so "easily" in her mind. And on the job? Knowing her, she'd never forgive herself. But she'd have to.
The microwave dinged and he brought the food out to her on the couch, watching the half smile she gave him, how she avoided his eyes, her soft voice. Oh she definitely was not going to forgive herself. This was Kate Beckett and that fear was still in her. And she dealt with fear by facing it no matter what it cost her until she could conquer it. He grabbed a bottle of wine from his cupboard and brought out two glasses. She quickly refused the alcohol but didn't say why. They ate in silence.
"So," he said after putting the food away.
"So," she replied, sighing.
"You want the guest bedroom, the couch, my bedroom…" he said, not truly realizing what he was saying.
"Castle I am not sleeping in your bedroom with you," she said, raising an eyebrow at him.
"I didn't mean it that way," he said, "I didn't even think of it that way."
"Of course," she said, rolling her eyes.
"No but really," he said, "Which do you want?"
"Guest bedroom's fine Castle," she said, "Don't want Alexis or your mother barging in here and getting the wrong idea. Where are they anyway?"
"Oh," he said, not even thinking about that, "Alexis is at a friend's house for a so-called 'post breakup intervention.' Mother's out with that banker from the bank robbery."
"Really?" she had said, smiling, "They hit it off, huh?"
"Surprising isn't it?" he said, "They're out to dinner at some place, couldn't really hear her over Alexis. Perhaps Mother will actually not be in the house all the time for once. Astounding idea."
She laughed again, a sound that was music to his ears after everything that had happened that day. Her eyes however were conflicted. Arguing with herself again he bet. She took a deep breath and looked back at him.
"Castle I lied," she said, watching as he took a sharp breath, "About the other night."
He released the breath. He almost thought she had lied about remembering the gunshot and the "I love you" he had dropped. Now that would've just killed him. Why would she feel the need to lie about that? But… but with her reaction to the events today he figured the chances of her remembering nothing were fairly slim… but now was not the time to ask. Her eyes did not meet his as she began to speak.
"You know how the sniper case had been… getting to me a little bit."
He nodded. Oh everyone had seen how the sniper case had been getting to her alright…
"And you know how I was staying in that hotel due to that problem at my apartment and the cut on my arm is broken glass."
He nodded again, unsure of where she was going with this. Her eyes refused to meet his still.
"Well that wasn't entirely the truth. You see the other night… well… The case… I don't know. I needed to get away from it all for a night. I turned to alcohol. I guess it must just run in the family or something."
She let out a hollow laugh and he looked at her, concerned. Drinking? She had been drinking? And she hadn't turned for help. From anybody. He guessed it was her nature, that fearsome independence but…
"So there I was, drunk and kind of a wreck. I hear this banging noise come from some other apartment, which was nothing, and just… I just freaked out, Castle. I don't know what came over me. That whole night. The past couple of days. There's something wrong with me, Castle."
The self-hatred in her eyes was terrifying. That bitter regret, that cutting anger, all aimed at herself. He was about to interrupt before she stopped him.
"I knocked the table over. The glass shattered, cut my arm. I just completely flipped out, didn't even realize I had cut my arm. I was just in a totally animalistic… panic mode I guess. I wasn't even in the moment. My mind just was in a totally different world where I was going to get shot again if I didn't do something. I shut off everything around me and just... I was just crazed. I sat next to the window and just stared outside in a dark apartment. I had turned off the lights in my paranoia attack I guess. At some point I realized I should probably do something about the giant cut on my arm. I somehow got myself back under control. Dragged myself through the mud about it too. My apartment was a wreck. I couldn't… wouldn't stay there. And I couldn't… I couldn't let any of you know. I didn't want this weakness to show to everyone else. I wanted… needed to stay that strong Detective Beckett everyone knows."
"So… I guess that's the whole truth about that," she said quietly, her eyes still dropped to the floor. Her tone of voice reminded him eerily of when she spoke of her mom's murder. When she spoke about things like those years after her mom's murder.
"Kate," he said, after a few seconds of absorbing it all and trying to figure out what to say, "You need to stop blaming yourself for this. None of this is your fault. There isn't anything 'wrong' with you."
She began to interrupt him but he stopped her.
"This is the fault of the bastard who's out there shooting all of those innocent people. The fault of that bastard who shot you. Hell, even the bastards that shot your mom are at fault. None of this is your fault. You are one of the strongest people I will ever likely meet, as I've said before and probably will many times in the future. Quit blaming yourself. You, Kate Beckett, are extraordinary."
She smiled at him and he smiled back, their eyes locking. Her tear-stained face was so beautiful. And those eyes. Those eyes were getting some of their life back. That life and mystery he had been in love with for over three years now. That life he had almost lost at Montgomery's funeral. That life he had almost lost so many times, the bank holdup, the hangar… All undeniably vivid in his mind. Their gazes remained locked for what seemed to be eternity before she turned her head away.
"We… we should get some sleep," she muttered, getting up off the sofa and beginning to walk away. He grabbed her wrist.
"Wait Kate," he said, and she turned, her eyes afraid, "I was wondering… are you sure you still don't remember anything? Just after the whole you know…"
Her gaze seemed to falter a moment, and she took a deep breath, shaking her head.
"No. It's still blank," she replied, giving him a small smile. Her voice was empty.
"So nothing of the shot except the noise, nothing of me tackling you…"
"No. No, just… just blank," she said quickly, stumbling over her words for a moment, "I guess I just panicked before. I don't know. Getting shot is kinda traumatic even if you don't remember much of it."
"Of course," he said, not quite believing her story. He had seen the look in her eyes. He had seen the way she seemed to be reliving the shot. But still nothing? Nothing at all…
"Good night Castle," she said, heading up the stairs.
"Good night Beckett," he said, watching her head up the stairs. He looked after her as she headed up the stairs faster as she got further and further away. He kept looking at the stairs even when she disappeared from view. What he would never see though were the small tears that grew in her eyes as she climbed, the tears that fell as she entered the guest room and cradled her legs in her arms… and he would never hear the whispered but unsaid "I love you" that fell from her lips as she heard his bedroom door slam shut.