Santino Marella knew a bargain when he saw one.
He picked up the battered bronze oil lamp out of a box of similar antiquey looking items labeled '$5 each or five for $20', and turned it over in his hands. It was tarnished and slightly dented but the ornately curved handle and intricately carved body had caught his eye immediately. The lid was topped by what looked like some kind of clear red crystal. With a little cleaning and care, it could be a very cool piece to display, a great conversation starter!
Santino loved antiques and had a fairly large collection at home. When he spotted the large, handwritten sign nailed to a light post on his way to the next WWE event, "Estate sale: Today only. Lots of antiques!" he'd turned down the rutted dirt road without hesitation. At the end of the road was a large, dilapidated house. Weeds were growing up in the cracks of the driveway and the house was in desperate need of paint and repairs. The 'antiques' turned out to be some old furniture, most of it broken and boxes and boxes of miscellaneous junk, old records, knick knacks, toys and this box of metal ware, old pewter tankards, bronze plates, cast iron sculptures and this unusual lamp.
Santino dug his wallet out of his pocket and pulled out five dollars.
"I would like to buy this lamp" he told the middle aged woman minding the sale.
She looked at what he had and her eyes widened, "How the hell…sir I wouldn't buy that thing If I were you."
Santino was mystified, "But why not? It would great on my coffee table!"
She shook her head, "It's dangerous, wouldn't you rather have this painting of Elvis? I'm told it's a one of a kind."
Santino shook his head firmly, "No, I will take this lamp." Without further argument, he shoved the five dollar bill into her hand and started to walk back to his car.
"You'll be sorry!" The lady shouted after him but she made no further move to stop him.
Santino hopped into his car, shaking his head. That woman must be a little crazy. Why would he be sorry for getting such a great deal on a cool antique? He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and began to polish the bronze. It should shine up nicely and he could find a metal worker to take out the small dent.
Without warning, a huge spurt of smoke came pouring out of the spout of the lamp, shooting right into his face. Santino sputtered and dropped it on the car seat. What the heck? The inside of the car was filling up with smoke, he tried to open the door but it was stuck, the handle refused to budge.
"Hey!" he yelled, alarmed,"Hey, help! Help!" He began to pound on the closed window.
The smoke seemed to coalesce and solidify into a vaguely human shape, a very large human shape wearing what looked like parachute pants and a purple vest across his huge bare chest.
He looked kind of like…
"Khali?" Santino choked, waving the residual smoke away.
The vaporous form looked down its aquiline nose at him, "I am the genie of the lamp." It intoned in a sonorous voice. "What is thy wish, my master?"
Santino stared at him with his mouth open, "Wh-wh-who are you?"
The genie looked at him with an expression of faint annoyance.
"I am the genie of the lamp. What is thy wish, my master?"
Santino put a hand to his forehead,"Ah….mio di, I must be working too hard. Santino, snap out of it." He closed his eyes and slapped himself hard across the face, once, twice, three times.
When he opened his eyes again the genie was still there, watching him impassively.
Santino licked his lips,"So, you are really a genie?" he asked in a small voice.
The genie nodded.
Santino took a deep breath and let it out,"And you are here to give me three wishes?"
The genie said," I have been imprisoned in the lamp for over 30 years. Thus, in gratitude for releasing me, I shall grant you four wishes. But make them wisely."
A smile slowly spread across Santino's face. Four wishes! This was too good to be true! He could do anything he wanted to! What should he wish for first?
He caught a glimpse of himself in the rearview mirror and frowned. Well, there was one thing he'd always wanted…and it wasn't really a waste of a wish since he did get three more…
"OK," he said,"I wish women found me irresistible!"
The genie nodded, "Done" he said and vanished.
Santino closed his eyes and braced himself, expecting some kind of jolt or shock or even a mild tingling. But nothing happened. Slowly, he opened his eyes and looked at himself in the mirror.
Ahhhh…disappointment. He had expected some kind of improvement but he still looked the same as he always did. He looked at the lamp, "Hey, I wasn't necessarily asking for Brad Pitt but you couldn't even give me…say…Hugh Jackman?"
The lamp was silent.
"Hello?" Santino tried rubbing it again but with no result. Was he going crazy? Disgusted, he tossed the lamp into the back seat.
By the time he got to the arena for Monday Night Raw he had all but forgotten about his little detour. He had a match tonight against the Miz and he intended to put on a good show. As he made his way to the locker room he passed Kaitlyn, a cute little diva with two tone hair that he knew in passing. He nodded to her, said a friendly "hi". She nodded back, gave him a detached smile, and then seemed to do a double take, turning around to look at him again.
"Uhm, Santino?" She said.
"Yes?" He looked back at her. She was staring at him as if she'd never seen him before. She slowly approached him, looking him up and down.
"Do you have a match tonight?" She asked.
Santino nodded, a little discomfited. She was standing really close to him. "I do, against the Miz."
"Wow," she said, her expression rapt as if he'd said the most fascinating thing in the world. "Well, let me wish you good luck."
She reached up and planted a kiss on his cheek.
"Oh, uh,t- thank you" Santino stammered, backing away slowly. What had gotten into the girl? "I have to get ready for my match now."
She gave him a wide, sunny smile, "I'll see you later, after the show, Santino!"
"OK," Santino said and hurried away. What was that all about?
"Santino!" A sharp voice whipcracked. He jumped and turned to see Beth Phoenix watching him from the women's locker room doorway.
"Beth!" he said, surprised. He and the Glamazon had once been an item but since dumping him she had barely even acknowledged his existence.
Beth sidled out of the doorway and positively slinked over to him, her statuesque curves moving in a way that made his eyes nearly pop out of his head.
"Uh, Beth, how have you been?" he asked.
She smiled, her blue eyes fixing themselves on his, "I've been good, Santino. How have you been?"
"Well, you know, working, traveling, the same thing." He said. She laughed and put her hand on his chest, gently playing with the buttons on his shirt. He gulped nervously. She was almost of a height with him and when they were going out, she routinely beat him in arm wrestling matches for fun. Still, she had been just as…athletic…in other ways as well.
"You know, Santino, I've kinda missed you lately," she purred, her hand moving up to caress his face. "I've been thinking that maybe we could have a second chance?" She slid her hand around the back of his head and pulled him in for a kiss.
Shocked, he resisted for a split second, then shrugged and let her kiss him. There were worse thing than being kissed by a gorgeous Amazon! She kissed him hard, nipping his bottom lip between her teeth before letting him go.
"I'll talk to you later, lover," she said.
"I look forward to it," he said with a grin and resumed on to the men's locker room.
Beth wanted to get back together with him! It must be the wish he'd made! Well, that was OK. He'd always liked Beth and if she wanted to take another shot at Glamerella he certainly wasn't going to turn her down.
He whistled jauntily as he changed for his match. He wondered what he should wish for next. A title run? No, no, no, something bigger. Money? No, no, no. King Santino! He paused, yes! He would be a great and benevolent ruler. His people would love and adore him!
"Santino!"
He snapped out of his daydream. One of the production crew was at the door.
"Your match is up next!"
Oops. He quickly laced up his boots and made his way out to the arena entrance.
He could hear Lillian Garcia announcing him and hurried out to the entrance. Upon his entrance the crowd went nuts. He was surprised; he'd never gotten such a huge pop before! As he did his patented 'cobra' pose he could hear people screaming for him.
"Santino! Santino, I love you!"
He waved as he walked down to the ring, noticing that it was mostly the women in the audience who were yelling for him. The men were mostly standing around looking at their wives and girlfriends with puzzled expressions. The women were hanging over the barriers, straining to touch him. He saw one young woman crying and as he passed she seemed to faint dead away.
He climbed into the ring and pointed at the sky. The screaming fans grew even louder. Wow! He'd never experienced this kind of adoration before and he had to admit. He kind of liked it!
Lillian Garcia was still in the ring. The ref was trying to get her to leave but she only had eyes for Santino. The Miz was watching, confused as Lillian ran up to Santino.
"Santino, I have to tell you something," she gushed.
"Uh, Lillian, can it wait? I have a match right now!" Santino pointed out.
"No, no, it can't wait" she said, "I just wanted to tell you, I love you Santino."
Santino's mouth dropped open, "Uh, thank you Lillian, but really this is not the time…"
"No! You can't ignore me!" Lillian insisted, "I know you must feel the same way about me. Every time I announce your name, it's like you're the only person in the world. I love you Santino!"
The Miz had heard enough. He took advantage of the distracted Santino and bulldozed over him with a giant clothesline. Santino slammed so hard onto the mat that he bounced, the wind totally knocked out of him. He braced himself, expecting The Miz to land on him with both knees and start pounding his face in but it never happened. He looked up and saw Lillian Garcia on The Miz's back, pulling his hair and scratching at his face.
What the hell was happening? Santino staggered to his feet. From the corner of his eye he saw a small figure racing toward the ring. Who was that? A.J.?
A.J. bounced into the ring and began skipping, her eyes totally focused on Santino. Santino watched her warily, she was supposed to be quite crazy. She stopped skipping, stood and stared at him with a little smile on her lips. Behind her, The Miz had just succeeded in dislodging Lillian from his back.
A.J. suddenly jumped right into Santino's arms, wrapping her arms and legs around him.
"A.J.! What are you doi-?" He never got to finish the sentence as she grabbed him and kissed him. OK, this was getting a little too freaky! Under normal circumstances he would definitely enjoy getting kissed by a pretty girl but all these women seemed to have gone mad! He tried to pry her off of him but she was wrapped around him like a python!
Lillian Garcia finally got to her feet and grabbed A.J. by the hair, savagely yanking her off of Santino.
"Get your hands off of him. He's mine!" She screamed.
A.J. jumped on Lillian, and the two women went down in a screeching, hair pulling heap.
Oh god, he had to get out of here!
"Sorry Miz!" he yelled,"I forfeit the match, you win!"
He started to climb out through the ring ropes.
"YOU CHEATING BASTARD!"
He froze. Uh-oh.
Beth Phoenix appeared at the top of the entrance ramp, looking like an Amazon ready to go to war. Her blue eyes were blazing as she pinned him with her furious glare.
"How DARE you cheat on me, Santino! And with that little tramp A.J? I'll kill you both!"
She started striding out to the ring when yet another diva ran out. It was Kaitlyn.
She jumped Beth from behind, knocking her down with a double fisted blow to the back of the neck.
"Don't you dare lay a finger on MY boyfriend!" She shrieked. Beth rolled to her feet, holding the back of her neck and kicked Kaitlyn in the stomach, doubling her over.
"What the hell? Are they fighting over YOU? Have these chicks all gone crazy?" The Miz said, watching the fight at the top of the ramp.
Santino gulped, "I don't know," he said, "These, uh, women, you know, you never know what they gonna do!"
Three more diva's came charging out of the entrance, Kelly Kelly, Layla and Natalya. They skirted past the two fighting on the ramp and raced for the ring.
"Uh no, no, no!" Santino said in panic as he looked for a way to escape. Kelly Kelly and Natalya made it into the ring first, with Layla right on their heels.
"Santino!" Natalya cried, grabbing his hand, "I love you! Forget these other bitches and come with me!"
"NO!" Layla said, grabbing his other arm, "I love you! We can be happy together! You and me Santino!"
"NO! Let go you bitch!" Natalya shouted yanking him toward her.
"You let go!" Layla yelled back, pulling his other arm. Kelly Kelly, grabbed him around the waist.
"Santino. I'm the only one who really loves you!"
Santino couldn't answer. He was getting yanked back and forth between Natalya and Layla. Lillian and A.J. saw the other women in the ring and abandoned their fight to each grab Santino by a leg.
"Arrggh!" He yelled as he lost his balance and fell to the mat. The five women each had him by an arm or a leg, or in Kelly Kelly's case, the head and were screaming and trying to pull him toward her. He trapped, spread eagle and going to get ripped apart!
"EXCUSE ME!"
Silence fell over the arena at the sound of that screechy voice. Beth and Kaitlyn stopped fighting. The five women in the ring momentarily stopped their tug of war.
Vickie Guerrero appeared at the entrance way. She gave everyone a disgusted look as she raised the mic to her mouth again.
"EXCUSE ME!"
She began to walk down the ramp to the ring.
"This is supposed to be a professional wrestling match! Just what do you people think you're doing?"
She climbed the steel steps and ducked between the ropes into the ring. She stood over Santino and the five women trying to rip him apart.
Oh, thank god, at last, a voice of reason, even if it was Vickie. Santino flopped his head back onto the mat in relief and closed his eyes.
"You women are disgusting," Vickie said, "every single one of you! How dare you lay your hands on MY MAN!"
Santino's eyes popped back open in horror as Vickie practically belly flopped on top of him, straddled him and tried to kiss him.
"AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!" he screamed writhing away from her snaggle toothed mouth. Oh god! He found some reserve of superhuman strength as he thrashed and heaved, managing to free both his hands. He put his hand against Vickie's face a shoved as hard as he could, throwing her off of him. He grabbed the ring ropes and hauled his way to his feet as the woman grabbed and clawed at him. He felt the material of his singlet stretch, streeetccchhh and then rip. A hand smacked him on the butt. Someone tried to grab his hair but it was too short to afford much of a grip. He wriggled through the ring ropes, dangled, kicked and finally fell through to the hard floor around the ring. He bounded to his feet and bolted for the exit.
Kelly Kelly, A.J. Natalya, Layla, Lillian and Vickie were hot on his heels in pursuit.
"Santino!" they wailed, "Don't leave me! Santino!"
Beth and Kaitlyn were waiting for him at the top of the ramp. He feinted to the left and spun around Kaitlyn. Beth was smarter as she planted herself and waited like a defensive tackle. He feinted left, feinted right, then lowered his shoulder and plowed right into her. Beth, however, was one tough diva. She took the impact and managed to get him into a headlock. Santino struggled to break free, then, in desperation, threw a hard elbow into her stomach. She gasped and let go as he tore off backstage.
Santino raced through the hallways. In addition to the divas chasing him, some women from the audience had jumped the barriers and joined the pursuit. He could hear the growing crowd howling as they poured through the backstage area. Ron Simmons was about to come out of the men's locker room but jumped back as Santino flew by being chased by a crowd of about 150 screaming women.
He stared after the wild chase, then shook his head in disgust and said "DAMN!"
Santino had never run so fast in all of his life. His feet felt like they were just barely skimming the ground as he ran. His lungs were on fire and his heart was about to explode. He ran down to the talent parking area and jumped into the first limo he saw.
"DRIVE! DRIVE!" he yelled at the limo driver.
"What the hell?" The drive, a young man with short red hair, looked back at him in bewilderment.
"Dude, you gotta get out of here. This is Mr. McMahon's car, you'll-"
"We're going to die!" Santino screamed as the women began surrounding the car, pounding on the windows.
"Holy shit!" The driver exclaimed as he threw the car into gear and screeched out of the garage. The women kept chasing the car. Santino could see them out of the rear window, there must have been at least 500 of them in that crowd! Eventually, the car left them behind and finally there was blessed silence. Santino slumped in the backseat, eyes closed, breathing hard.
The driver glanced at him warily in the rearview mirror.
"Uh, are you OK buddy?" he finally asked.
Santino shook his head, "No, I am not OK. I just had hundreds of women who were totally in love with me chasing me and it was the worst experience of my life!"
"Uhm, whatever you say." The driver said. "Listen, fella, this is Vince McMahon's limo. I gotta get it back to the arena by the end of the show. Is there somewhere I can drop you off?"
Santino thought a moment, "Sure, I'm sorry about this. Just drop me off at the first hotel you see."
"OK" the driver nodded.
Santino put his hands over his eyes. As the limo rounded a corner, something hard bumped into his leg. He looked down and saw the battered oil lamp.
What the hell?
He slowly picked it up. It was definitely the same lamp. But he'd left it back in his car. How did it end up here?
"OK, dude. Here's a Holiday Inn."
Santino looked out the window at the familiar green and white sign. It would do.
"Thanks" he said getting out of the limo.
"Yeah, don't mention it." The driver said and sped off.
Santino was about to walk up through the entrance when he suddenly remembered he was still in his wrestling attire, with no wallet, no money and no identification. How would the clerk react to the sight of a sweaty little Italian guy in a torn wrestling singlet with no money or ID? Probably by calling the cops. What the hell was he going to do now? His eye fell on the lamp. Hmmmmmm.
He stepped around the corner of the building and rubbed the lamp.
Immediately, smoke poured from the mouth of the lamp. Santino took a step back as the smoke again formed in to the shape of a giant man. He still looked a lot like the Great Khali.
"I am the genie of the lamp. What is thy wish my master?"
Santino pointed an angry finger at the genie, "You screwed me! I told you I wanted to be attractive to women. Not that I wanted them to go completely crazy!"
The genie was nonplussed,"You wished to be irresistible to women. You did not specify which women, nor did you specify the degree of their attraction. I merely fulfilled your wish in the most accurate manner possible."
Santino shook his head, "You made them crazy! They wanted to kill me!"
The genie said, "You are familiar with the saying, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? You should not have scorned them."
Santino threw up his hands, "How am I supposed to make all of them happy? "
The genie shrugged, "I did warn you to wish wisely. Now, what is your second wish?"
Santino rubbed a hand across his face, "well, I need money…wait…." He had to think this one through first. He would not make another mistake like last time. This was his second wish and he couldn't waste it.
"OK," he said after thinking a moment," I want one million dollars, in legal, REAL American dollars. I want them to be in 100 dollar bills, no weird 500 or 1000 dollar bills. I want them in a suitcase big enough to hold them all with nothing conspicuous on the outside to let people know I have a suitcase full of money."
The genie raised an eyebrow, "Are you through?"
Santino thought over what he'd just said, and then nodded, "Yes, I am done."
The genie raised his hands and clapped them, "Then it is done." He proclaimed and vanished.
Santino blinked. There, on the ground was a large suitcase. With slightly shaking hands he opened the zipper and found himself looking at straps and straps of beautiful 100 dollar bills.