Dr A Murakami: (Click, Tape Recording. Patient: Yagami Sayu: Day 1...) Tell me what it was like experiencing the media when the world found out about your brother.

Sayu Yagami: (Long pause, heaves a sigh, fiancé locks his fingers in hers as she bites bottom lip.)

Erm, well my mom and I had only found out a day before...about him. Literally the day after, the story broke everywhere. Local and international news, that was on January 30th 2013. Two years ago now. I was in my first year of university.

I remember the flashing lights. Media from all over the world camped outside our house for months, especially as police walked in and out the house gathering evidence and sealing off his room. That room. Mom and I were afraid of leaving the house, especially once the hatred and vandalism started.

The Police Force tried to shield us as much as possible with the protection unit, when we started receiving thousands of death threats, protesters marching outside our house daily, graffiti writing of abusive words on our wall, people throwing rocks, firecrackers and gas canisters at the house breaking the windows, damaging the lawn, hate mail both in letter and online abuse, I had to delete all my social media accounts and my email address. All this came from families of Kira's victims to vicious gang members who'd lost their allies and bosses.

Then thousands of people and many organisations tried to sue my mom and I for emotional damage, loss of incomes from people killed by Kira, because they actually believed that mom and I knew what was going on the whole time but chose to keep quiet about it to protect our 'beloved brother and son'. Luckily our public lawyer defended us and we didn't even ever have to appear in court. I didn't even have enough time to process what had happened so I was in denial for a long time afterwards.

It was a blur.

Chapter 1: When we were dead

Experiencing the numbness of drowning in free glass bottle after free glass bottle after free glass bottle was a simple task. All it took was lying on a dirty white couch lining the graffiti walls, computer generated colourful lighting, loud vibrations of booming loud garage music pulsating through the makeshift underground basement in downtown Tokyo filled with strangers, who like me, were too afraid to die but not willing to live, as a place to call home. Going all night without feeling, being, remembering anything was the best part of this.

All I had was my crumbling blank face, frail body in a thin cotton dress and a small sheet covering me from the waist up. I just couldn't go back to the shelter for homeless youth anymore as the guilt of being there was paralysing, since I actually did have a home but refused to go back. I think I've exhausted enough public esteem for a lifetime. This shitty heavenly bliss was the best alternative.

After midnight passed, and the music stopped, the usual of me being slumped over the couch happened, head slouched over my loosely folded arms, struggling to breathe over my curtain of platinum blonde hair smothering my face, and this time, my bare left foot was outstretched and swimming in a pool of a doggie water bowl.

"Just look at that slut, playing the victim with those fake sad eyes." sneered a short round woman to someone else while glowering at me. Twenty five year old unemployed unattractive Haruna speaking with the cadence of Kyoto, despised me and she wanted the whole world of the Bass'mento Room to know.

She stomped over to me unable to stand my presence. I tensed up and stiffened, sinking further into the couch as I heard her fiery approach. She sank her sharp fake talons into my hair and shook me. I let out a yelp and tried to flick her off me. My stomach threatened to spill out as she forcefully pulled me up by my hair. My eyes screwed up in pain from my hair being pulled and brought about the most intense eye watering migraine.

"Why are you still here, like you don't have options?!" she shook me with bitterness oozing out her voice.

My wide frightened eyes glanced up at her. I told myself never to look directly into Haruna's dead eyes because I could see the haunting suffering of loss they had endured. It was more terrifying than anything she did to me.

She pushed me to the floor, I felt a sting of throbbing pain as hard knuckles made contact with my cheek, eye and jaw ans she pounded me into the dusty carpet. My body was too limp and my mind was past caring.

"Okay, we get it, you hate her. Just stop already. I don't have anything to clean up bloodstains." called someone I couldn't make out.

She let me go as I cowered against the old flooring, my mouth quivering against the purple bruise swelling up on eye.

"Well bitch, got anything to say?"

My quivering lips moved but nothing came out. She raised her eyebrows at me daring for my verbal response.

"Haruna-s s ssan I need the keys for the bathroom" I whispered.

She stared down at me with a sickened snarl, the pathetic pitiful mass lying down at her feet in disgust, and dropped the keys by my bare feet.

I got up carefully with support of the wall and arm rest of the dirty couch and headed to a badly lit passageway leading to the bathroom. I didn't know if I could do it this time, I had no strength, but I had to try. Several men followed me after noticing where I was going. I let out a small scream as I ran as fast as my weakened legs could carry me into the safety of the one small bathroom stall to take a piss and held the door lock while pressing my arm on the door to keep those perverted bastards out. I could hear them leering catcalls, wolf whistles, and practically breaking down the door to let them in.

It was surprising how easily tears stung my eyes as I lowered my head and covered my face with my hair, never letting go of holding the door closed. I was drunk, I wasn't supposed to feel much. My soft hearing picked up a sizzling sound.

I turned around and saw a firecracker emitting colourful sparks. Smoke soon filled up the tiny bathroom but I didn't know whether it was safe to go outside since the men were probably the culprits trying to smoke me out.

Smoke was filling my lungs as I choked and held my breath until I had no choice but to chance it. Luckily the men weren't there anymore so I used the advantage to get back inside. Haruna was waiting for me on the other side to empty a black bin bag over my head. Empty beer bottles, cans and used condoms splashed over my body as I closed my eyes, waiting for it to be over.

"We need to get rid of this trash before it becomes a dangerous threat" said Haruna referring to me.

I fell silent. Hearing that I was a threat to other people by someone like Haruna when I was the one who'd never done anything wrong was too unfair to ignore. My fire was ignited.

"But why am I the threat? I didn't do anything wrong."

"Oh Sayu Yagami, it's about what you are. You and your mother left behind are a waste of government money, time and resources," she said quietly walking closer to my face while I felt the sting of her words. "The courts may believe the lies that you and mother told about not knowing anything about what your satanic brother was up to for all those years, but you can't fool the whole world." she said shaking her head.

Once again I felt a hot live wire inside me snap without my control. I found myself staring straight into Haruna's dead eyes and smacking the remaining black bags out of her thick hands I stood right in front of her with a daring snarl.

"Shut up. You know nothing about me!" I yelled pointing a dangerous finger at her.

Any composure she'd lost from me attacking her was replaced by sheer rage.

"You're not going to do anything to me; not even you're that stupid. You know I will kill you or throw you in the lion's den with all those Anti-Kira groups. I'm the only one left in Japan, no the world, who's willing to take you on, because they're all too afraid of you. Kira's sister. Know where your place is, I still have the needles." she threatened softly in a dangerous tone, nostrils flaring. The look in her dark eyes was that of a woman with no self-respect who had nothing to lose.

"No, you know what. I'll tell you exactly what's wrong with you," she stepped towards me pushing me backwards, she was not backing down from her challenge, "You have no remorse for what happened. That little spawn-of-satan bastard brother of yours...you didn't stop him from murdering my boyfriend. Tell me, why was he killed for accidentally knocking down a pedestrian who'd been too arrogant to obey the blinking 'Don't Walk' signs on the sidewalk. What sense is that?" she spat snarling her lip up.

"No! Shut up, I don't know anything!" I yelled quickly blocking my ears; I didn't want to hear anything about it. My mind always stopped me from even thinking about it. But I couldn't stop myself this time. I'd failed to filter out harmful information again.

"My boyfriend! Arrested on suspicions of drunk driving and questioned at the police station where he gave his name. The police later said that they'd found no evidence of drunk driving so they were going to drop the charges. The punk ass pedestrian came of the hospital with nothing but stitches and a few broken bones that healed after some time. But my boyfriend..."

I shook my head at her frozen. Why couldn't I stop hearing what she was saying? I realised that I was, for the first time, hearing what I promised myself never to hear.

"…Deserved the judgement of Kira for being the only one who did nothing wrong. My boyfriend. The only person who made me feel wanted, not even my parents could pretend. You stole my future." she broke down into a friend arm.

Everything I'd just heard would sink in and poison me if I didn't believe it. It wasn't real. None of it was. None of it! She just made it up because she hated me. "Don't think about it, don't think about anything Sayu," I screamed at myself inside my head.

We were interrupted by someone speeding inside, huffing and puffing his chest. "Everyone! Take your shit and get out! There's a fire! It's coming from the bathroom!" he yelled from behind us.

In a snap, smoke was filling up the small enclosed room quickly. My eyes opened into slits and I could barely make out people's feet as they shuffled out. The smoke combined with my slurry couldn't carry on in light-headedness.

"You! Blondie, it was you who did this wasn't it! You were the in the bathroom!" she yelled at me wide eyed. "You're trying to kill us too, just like your Kira. We should just choke you and take your air to save everyone, you waste of air."

I'd lost my nerve. I couldn't breathe in the thick cloud of smoke and Haruna's hand had found themselves around my neck again.

My heavy body under attack was pulled out of Haruna's grasp by a burly man in a plain black tee. But I didn't want to leave; I had no other place but this, to go, to call my home. This toxic paradise. Why was it on fire?

Then the light show began. Yellow, orange, blue, everything blurred, swam and mixed in a kaleidoscope of colours, that's what my eyes showed me anyway, and in slow motion. Every stumble I took forward I felt my body slowly start to break down. Luckily I had that burly man to help me walk. I could only vaguely make out any noise around me.

"Get them both out of here, and take this girl's stuff."

"Hey wait, isn't this also hers? Excuse me, miss but is this-

My whole body tensed up when I felt someone tapping my shoulder. My head shot up as I turned around too quickly. My half-opened droopy eyes couldn't take in what I was seeing properly, it was all spinning around, but I could make out a man although I couldn't hear what he was saying. He was holding something out to me and waving it in my face. My swaying eyes and dreadful frown looked down.

I wasn't ready; my heart skipped a beat—it made my stomach knot.

A Black Notebook

I stumbled backwards and lost feeling in my legs. It felt like everything on my body was on fire. I had to get away before its curse somehow seeped into me too.

My first line of defence triggered in my mind. I felt the pocket knife I hid in my bra suddenly appear in my one hand. I swung the tiny blade at him in swooshed circles, trying to push him and his evil book away. Someone was still holding onto my other arm. They were yelling at me but I couldn't make out what they were saying. I tried to squirm out of the man's tight grasp and aim the sharp weapon at his arm.

"It's not mine! Not mine! I didn't kill anyone, it's not me-" I yelled as loud as I could.

"-Wait you're going to take my eyes out. I just need to know whether this is yours. It's got a name on it. Are you Yagami-?

"-Noooo! let go of me, Please I'm not him, I'M NOT-

I don't remember anything from there; I must've blacked out...

There was a tornado. It blurred flashing lightbulbs of white, rotating noisy lights of blue and red...the familiar faces dressed in uniform. Their darkened faces. They were all talking, yelling. Stomach tightening. Then the following, questioning… brown eyes shut and blinked open...until the man with the deep brown eyes and short brown haircut stared blankly inches from face; heart tightening as his eyes turned a dastardly red which lit up the darkness in a fiery luminance...

Beep! Beep! Beep!

My bloodshot eyes popped open. I'd opened them too quickly so the dry corners stung when moisture developed as my eyes swiftly darted from left to right not seeing anything. The red eyes I had just vividly seen focused blurrily into the red laser beaming across the white room from a heart monitor. A desperate gasp of breath, gasp of breath from a breathing mask...I let a quiet breathy moan escape from my dry lips. The second I did, I'd wished I hadn't; my throat felt dry and burnt like ash, it was painful.

My heart was beating so fast that my breathing struggled to keep up. But my head was worse. It felt like burning hot hands was continuously squeezing my head from every angle. Everything on my body was on fire. I could feel my aching stiff limbs beginning to tremble against the straps that constrained my tightly bound legs.

I sat up slowly and stiffly in the pain of my head, staring hopelessly at this White room in misery which further deepened my grimace. Blinding white light. Red lasers. A while ago I would've mistaken it all for the International Police with Japanese police, and all their guns and all their questions. So many questions.

The humming buzzing of machinery blinking, clinking, tinkering, lazering and busy at work was now the only audible sound in the quietness. That and the loud ticking of the wall clock which I had the habit of staring at every forty seconds, I had no idea why. I lowered my head to hide my face with my hair and a shiver rolled though me.

Seeing those eyes again. Again. It hurt. Those unfamiliar red eyes with a kind of vociferous bloodlust felt like my mind was being attacked, invaded, and harmed. Yet those eyes were also very familiar at the same time because, well, they were the same as mine. Big, brown and innocent.

At least, my mind had a way of being a filtering system. Everytime I got scared or confused, it shuts down and stops. My ears fall silent like there's a hollow wind blowing through them and noise is blocked out. No longer can I feel my body. No longer can I have thought processes and make sound judgements. No longer do I have control. Everything that came in went out without having to be processed.

But I always failed with those eyes. Those unfamiliarly familiar red-brown eyes that continuously haunted my dreams. There was no way to filter them out my mind and it would always lead to thinking too much about what I didn't want to think about.

I hated hospitals. It was always too painfully quiet. I hated the quiet. The dead were quiet. The dying were waiting in hospitals to be dead. The same way in which everybody was dead. Everybody was dead.

The moisture tucked underneath my eyelids promised to let loose the floodgates. But just like always when I wanted to cry, I stopped myself. I slumped my head down in defeat and stared at the wall clock once more with a knot in my dry throat.

Too quiet...I needed the semblance of the drunken hazy lighted 'Bass'mento room.

Desperation to escape this quiet jail consumed me; I had to get out of here before my mind started to wonder. I removed my breathing mask. I scratched at the ropes that bound me, and rolled to the side. A terrible pain shot through my body as I hit the cold floor. Everything hurt these days. My body was heavy on the cold floor, yet it still felt like I was somehow floating, unable to feel the heaviness of gravity. But at least I knew that I wasn't dead, no if I were dead, it would be by my own doing, my own choice. The dead didn't feel pain.

Click, click. Beep.

I froze hunched on the floor head down with my hair falling over my body. The door opened with a squeak and a pull of the handle. I looked through the gap in my curtain of unkempt hair.

A woman in a long white lab coat holding sheets of paper clipped together, walked in and gave a huge sigh, taking off her glasses in frustration.

"Ms Yagami? Again on the floor. You're like a two year old trying to escape from his cot. It's always the same with you. This is why I always have to strap you in." vented Dr Yokoyama. I curled my lips as I curled back onto my hospital bed.

The doctor stalked towards her station, heels angrily stomping on the tiled floor. "You don't have to try escaping again, I'm releasing you, most of the smoke has filtered out of your lungs, now you just have to go nurse your hangover. And I see that you've still refused to changed your residential address to 'homeless' from the last time you were here." she said.

I looked directly at Dr Yokoyama because, right on cue, she was signing my release papers while innocently taking a quick swig of water in her clear glass water bottle. It was the same routine everytime I saw her. Unbeknownst to her, we probably had the same problem. Except that it wasn't water, it was really sake poured in a clear water bottle disguised as water to hide her drinking problem.

Over the two years it became easier to tell how affected people in our society hid the signs that they were barely coping everyday life. I t was like a slow game of hangman. Try finding as many wrong signs as possible. Enough for the man to hang himself. It wasn't just us at the bottom.

"Oh, and someone's here to see you. She said that she knows you from the university you both attend?"

"If it isn't little dolleyes" came my way and I turned to my side.

The good looking foreign girl, studying in Tokyo, walked up to me shaking her head and crossing her arms, giving a pout of her lips, she was the only one who dared to come close to me.

I took a breath of relief when I saw it was her. After I'd been released and changed into my jeans and dark shirt with my black hoodie, Meghan Walker and I walked to the lobby, noticing people walking by and stealing quick glances at me. It felt like the more I tried to hide, the more I stood out. That's when I realised something.

I didn't know where to. I had nowhere to go. The 'Bass'mento Room ravaged by fire, all choices were finally diminished.

"You look like a train wreck and a disaster had a baby" she said in her broken Japanese. I threw myself into a chair in the waiting room and Meghan into the other next to me.

"How did you know where to find me?" I said slowly digging my hands in my pocket and lowering my head so no one saw my face.

She kept quiet for a second and spoke softly. "People on social media were talking about a fire in some crack house called 'The Bass'mento Room' downtown.

"I can't remember much of what happened. I just remember fire and someone, trying to give me...something unspeakable. I panicked." I cried breathing hard.

I noticed Meghan resist the urge to shake her head at my behaviour, like I was mad or something. She picked up a thick 'Criminal Law and the Constitution: Fifth Edition' textbook to show to me.

"You left behind your textbook from your bag and Yusuke, the guy who tried to help you, wanted to give it back to you when you started swinging a knife around. That's what he told me. You read the situation wrong. He had to knock you out and call emergency services. Good thing you were already blacked out, or they would've placed you under temporary restraint."

Meghan breathed a long sigh, "Please, don't tell me you're going back to that place where that woman was beating you. She needs to have her head found in some drain. You should go back to your real home-

"It's too quiet. I'll be alone for long hours because my mom got a job. Not that it makes a difference; mom doesn't speak much anymore since two years ago. At least Haruna kept me busy." I whispered despondently.

"Is that really the reason? It's pathetic. You're pathetic. You can't stay with me since I live on campus, but you also can't keep going back to that shelter for homeless youth. That place is meant for youths who really have no other alternatives because their homes aren't safe places. Besides your mom's probably worried about you. It's been five weeks now since you left. And you know she can't call the cops since you resent the police and it would attract too much media attention after the storm of two years ago."

Meghan Walker's incessant judgements were making my teeth grind. I didn't know what to do, but it didn't matter because nothing would change. Nowhere was any better or worse than anywhere else. There was too much on my mind. I needed a distraction.

"I'm going back to varsity tomorrow." I said staring at the floor with my permanent frown. I wanted nothing less than to go back to varsity as my biggest tormenters were there far worse than Haruna, exacerbating my misery further. I just needed a long distraction to keep my mind preoccupied.

"Seriously, between your condition and those bullies, I still think that you should take at least another week off before going back to school Sayu."

"I said I'm fine. Stop treating me like a mental case." I snapped.

We both fell silent. I buried my head in my hands and curtain of hair leaning forward in the chair. Hopelessness was overtaking me.

Meghan gently placed her hand on mine.

"You silly, you are a mental case but don't worry, Sayu. What happened to you has never happened to anyone else before. I believe that you're not crazy. But that doesn't mean that you're not fragile. Your mind is still in a deep state of psychosis."

I kept staring hard at the ground. "Let's just drive around so I can think what to do next." I said to her as we walked to the receptionist to hand in my release papers. When I got to the door and did my usual stop contemplate and pause before Meghan opened the door for me.

"Did you know that I attended all your classes? Yeah I got your timetable and attended all your classes for you. I wrote down so many notes for you not knowing what the fuck was going on. But you're a whole month behind dolleyes, which means you probably won't be able to write finals." said Meghan when we were in her car, rented with her monthly allowance from her scholarship.

"What about you? Are you going to skip them and write when I do?"

"Fuck no! I can't wait for you. After finals I'm going back home. Permanently," she said affirmatively before a familiar bland silence fell on us. Meghan always squinted her eyes when driving…that is when I knew what was coming. We both always knew.

"Remember when we actually had solidarity that we'd help each other out?" I asked.

"Yeah, well remember when people still loved you? Yeah didn't think so, times have changed Dolleyes." she said.

I don't even know why I bothered; Meghan's attitude was always at its most toxic after she thought about that night. But I knew that she was really talking about herself, how she felt after that night, but she didn't realise.

"Unlucky my parents are poor and I have no choice but to finish my fully paid scholarship or I'd have dropped out, packed my bags and left that night when it happened and worked at my parents' pub."

I looked over to Meghan just as she pulled over. She stopped the car and looked outside the rain weary window. Just like Dr Yokoyama and her disguised alcohol, this was a way for Meghan to cope and carry on.

After catching her breath, she continued driving.

The corners of her mouth struggled not to tremble and give into despair when she tried to look satisfactorily in the mirror at her pixie cut hair, grateful that it wasn't the same defiled hair that had been savagely gripped and ripped. It was clean fresh, new hair, one that hadn't been touched.

It scared me whenever she fell silent; I didn't want her to dwell on what happened and why she reminded herself of why she was friends with me in the first place. I turned my head to look out the window.

"Wait, stop!" I interrupted. I forgot that we were still in Tokyo, the city where I used to live. We'd almost passed the street sign that had the name of my old street name.

"What, what is it?" asked Meghan slightly alarmed.

"Nothing, just stop. I need to go outside. Please."

The rain began to shower as I walked outside and down the street. It was like being a ghost watching myself from the outside and not being allowed to engage fully. It was so odd to me that watching the house I'd grown up in with my whole family didn't bring up any memories of all of us together.

The new white paint was still somewhat fresh from painting over the obscene words of abuse and nasty graffiti that had been sprayed and drawn on the wall when mom and I still lived here. Also the windows were been replaced from when they'd been broken by vandalism created by throwing firecrackers into the yard, stones, I still remember what someone had sprayed on the wall. It wasn't nearly half as terrible as social media though…

"I hope you die of cancer…we're gonna drag you down the alley and dismember you like you deserve…"

I could never forget just how the anti-Kira groups wanted to make sure mom and I suffered every day for what we didn't do after the world found out. Sometimes when I felt like being brave, I'd peak an eye outside my curtain at them all. What devastated me was not the weapons they carried but the emotions, the heavy embittered emotions that far outweighed any destructive tools in heaviness.

I'm glad we'd left a few months later, undercover with the Police Protection Unit. But just as I had yesterday and the day before that and the week, month and year before, I stepped up towards the door and pressed the doorbell but left swiftly before anyone could answer it, back to Meghan's car.

"Are you sure that you're not crazy? Playing ding-dong ditch at your old house"

I didn't answer her but, I just always thought that maybe I would one day want to see the house again and talk to whoever's living there.

"Just go" I whispered.

Once we began driving away, I received a call on my phone. Usually I would just ignore it but this time it was from someone I hadn't talked to in a while and I couldn't slay my curiosity. Why would my aunt be calling me directly on my phone?

"Sayu, is this you?" asked my aunt when I answered the phone.

"Yes, what do you want-?

"I know that you've been gone for weeks now but I need you to come home now. Please." there was something in her voice that compelled me.

"It's your mother-she's tried to kill herself"

The words reverberated inside my buzzing mind. I tried to do something but shock and fear debilitated me. I dropped the phone on my lap and stared out the window mouth agape.

"Sayu, what's wrong, Sayu?" cried Meghan looking at my face.

"I need to go to the subway and get home." Was all I could whisper.

The train ride back home was an agonising fifty minute trip, where I could do nothing more than tremble, clutch my hanging blonde hair, keep my head down, amid my morbid fear of being in public. I felt sick having to wait so long...

When I got off the train, I ran as fast as I could in the rain up the street until I saw the apartment building, tucked neatly in the corner of a hillside suburb in Yokohama that mom and I had moved into when it was too dangerous for our safety to stay in Tokyo.

"Mom! MOM! Where are you?" I screamed over the hurt of my throat when I burst inside.

I couldn't quieten my mind. It was me. I did this. I drove her to want to end her life. I was too frantic to think of what to do. Instead my whizzing head which still ached, dashed around the living room until I saw an elegant woman dressed in a powder blue skirt and matching blazer. Aunt Miyako stood in the middle of the room, arms crossed like a strict teacher and watched me freak out for a whole minute.

"You're such a mess! And honestly, this is what I have to do to get you to come back home?" she breathed disbelieving after observing me frantically bang down all three doors of the house and search achingly for my mother.

"Where's my mom? Is she okay? Oh God it's all my fault, I've lost everything"

"Your mother's fine. I sent her to get some groceries for tonight's dinner."

I stopped at that. It took me a second to understand what she'd said. "But then how did she-

"She didn't try killing herself; I just used that as a pretext to get you to come back home."

I stared at her, unbelieving her spite, cruel joke, in her wanting to make me suffer evermore. I hit my aching head on the wall and slid to the floor covering my face in my hands. I couldn't think. I just couldn't think of anything. I was just too angry. I was too angry to speak or retaliate. Tears streamed in my face. I just couldn't...I didn't have the energy, motivation to retaliate. My family's cruel problem with lying was punishing me to no end.

"What else was I supposed to do when I got here and found out that you haven't been home for weeks? And who knows, maybe your mother would've killed herself in the long run? But you wouldn't be here to carry out her body. Do you think your mother deserves that? After everything we've been through as a family-

"Why are you even here?" I sighed frustrated, pounding my fists on the wall.

"I was planning to come and see how the two of you were coping, I believe that you have a condition that's troubling, Sayu. Don't think I didn't notice your bruised face and dyed hair."

Knowing that my mother wasn't in danger, it would've been too easy just to jump up again and take off...My thoughts were interrupted by the front door opening and I heard the shuffling of plastic bags. Bags full of food that was still meant for a family of four.

"Oh my Go-Sayu, you're back and you're hurt! -

My tired mother of very few words, Sachiko,dropped her packages and tried to run up to be on the floor but I turned away.

"No! Stay away from me, both of you!" I crawled away from her.

I didn't have to look at her to know she was in anguish; I knew she just wanted to hold me after I'd abandoned her.

"So, would you care to explain where you've been Sayu? Huh? For all these weeks?" demanded Aunt Miyako.

I remained silent.

"Excuse me Sayu, I'm talking you! Sachiko, you're her mother, for goodness sake, say something to her before anymore disrepute is brought into this family!"

My weak mother gave a sigh of pain. She didn't know what to say.

"Unbelievable, no wonder things have been allowed to escalate as they have in this family. My brother was far too lenient with all of you. Souichiro would have never stood for this insolence."

I felt my teeth clench at hearing that name so sacred to me being said so casually to belittle me. The usual quietness overcame me as I tried to block out any thoughts that would cause me pain. Yet still, I didn't even feel my head slumping down, didn't feel the tears that stung my eyes. I was so unprepared for hearing that name aloud.

"Miyako-san, I was staying with a friend of mine. The one from Igirisu (England) okay. Now what do you want from us?" I sighed feeling dejected yet taking my turn to lie. This seemed to throw her off slightly, hearing my tired pleading tone. She took a breath and placed her hands on her hips.

"How do you know you can trust that gaijin girl, you don't exactly have the right frame of mind. You're still a sickly fragile child. I just mean, how do we know that the gaijin girl is not trying to get you in trouble with anti-Kira groups?"

"She's the only friend I have left in the world, so I have no choice. Also there's a reason why she stuck by me. She thinks she owes me for helping her, because Kira helped her."

Aunt Miyako looked like she wanted to say something but I spoke before she could give me another talking down.

"There was a serial rapist here in Tokyo years ago who, back then, had been acquitted of his crimes due to a lack of evidence," I said to which aunt Miyako covered her mouth in shock, grateful that she lived all the way in Kobe, south central Japan, "After his acquittal, he'd started working in a coffee shop by the train station, the perfect place to spy on women who travel alone and find his next target..."

"What does that have to do with anything?" she asked wide eyed.

I swallowed hard before shifting my eyes to the corner wall. "Meghan had been one of his victims. She was the naïve gaijin girl when he'd pretended to be a concerned local who wanted to help her find some touristy place she'd been looking for during summer break.

"My God," she breathed holding her skeletal arm tightly to her small bosom, "What has Tokyo become?" she said as I noticed her shock at the dangerous big bad city instead of my friend's survival.

The room went dead silent. My mother wanted to leave the room, but not having seen me in so long is what kept here there. Any mention of what had happened years ago during the Kira massacre and she would abandon post and leave the room.

"That rapist was actually suspected as being one of the earliest people killed by Kira for his crimes right when the undercover FBI in America had been dispatched to Japan just like dad had said. So naturally Meghan is a closet Kira supporter but won't admit it to me."

"And you're one too? You think that constitutes as justice?" she asked me daringly. I turned away from her wanting so badly to flip my middle finger at her. Truth of the matter was that I never allowed myself to think about things like that. I just filter it out.

"Sayu, it's been two years since Souichiro died and we found out about Li-

"Miyako-san, stop it please -

I choked shaking my head in protest with my voice breaking. I didn't realise how easy it was to tear up. I was so emotionally drained that I couldn't fight with her any longer.

"-Don't you think it's time we moved on? When are we going to stop running away, no, blocking out the truth? Don't you think it's time we talked about all of it and what it means for all of us?" she said not backing down.

By the time she'd finished talking, I was already making my escape to my bedroom and away from her, away from whatever truth she wanted to confront me with, before my mother came and embraced me. I didn't look back at her or embrace her at all. I just felt so cold, and embittered when I wasn't the one who had the right to feel that way. I just turned away when she was done. She was deeply hurting, ever more so than I knew.

After taking a shower, I looked into the mirror of my fragmented reflection, and brushed my below-shoulder length platinum blonde hair, falling in my face and narrowly missing the joint sticking out my mouth that I sucked on bitterly and deeply inhaling the bitterness of burnt grasses. I stared at myself in mild shock for a moment. I looked like a broken doll wondering if life would ever get better or worse.