A collaboration with Daftydraw set in the Glad You Came universe.
Saturday 2 pm
As Kurt and Sebastian made their way up to Alex and Steph's apartment, Kurt paused on the stairway.
"You know what?" he said, smiling at Sebastian. "Alex was the first person to invite me to a boys' night out. Ever."
He still felt a little flutter in his stomach as he thought about that moment. Since that night, he, Alex, Sebastian and Brody had gone on several 'bro dates' together. Kurt had never realised how good it felt to be included. For this particular weekend, Alex had asked them all over for a lazy afternoon of gaming and fast food, and then they were finally going to catch up on the pub crawl they had pretended to organise for Sebastian's 21st birthday. They were all invited to spend the night, since the girls were going away on a spa weekend together.
Sebastian's lips curled up into a little smile as he looked at Kurt. "I didn't know that, no."
He decided to ignore the flash of anger he felt at the reminder that Kurt's old friends had never treated him as an equal. Kurt had real friends now, and they loved him.
Even if he did manage to always beat them at Mario Kart.
Kurt looked at his watch. "I hope Alex waited with the food order, I'd really like to get a say in what's on the pizza this-" His words stuck in his throat as the door opened.
Alex was standing in the doorway, shirtless, with some kind of green goo in his hair - and a baby on his arm. It was crying angrily. He gave them a desperate look.
"Is that Bonnie?" Sebastian asked, looking at the baby.
"Is that...your red hoodie?" Kurt asked, looking at what the baby was swaddled in.
"I ran out of diapers," Alex muttered.
Kurt looked around him and saw Brody sitting on the couch looking equally desperate. "What is going on?" he asked.
"Do you want the short version or the gory details?" Brody asked.
[two hours earlier]
"I'm so sorry to spring this on you, Alex," Caroline said, bouncing Bonnie on her arm. "It's just that we arranged everything for Steph's surprise birthday party months ago and if we cancel now we'll never get a spot at that spa again. It's very exclusive."
" Super exclusive. And no refunds," Alice said, looking a little desperate.
Alex gave them his most encouraging smile. "Well, I'm sure I can manage until Ben gets home."
Caroline frowned. "That's the thing, didn't Steph tell you? Ben is stuck in Los Angeles. His flight got cancelled. He won't be back until tomorrow evening."
Alex swallowed. "I, uh...I got the boys coming over…" he started.
"Great!" Caroline said brightly. "Then they can all help you!"
Alex looked over his shoulder at Brody, who was setting up the game console. He gave him a reassuring nod.
"It'll be fine," Brody said, smiling. "Girls love me."
Alice smiled. "That's true," she agreed.
"Okay, well, call me if you need anything, right?" Caroline said, handing Bonnie over to Alex. "I mean it. Call me ."
"We'll be okay, Caroline. How hard can it be? You're a good girl, aren't you, Bonnie?" He looked at the baby in his arms. She gurgled up at him happily. Alex smiled back. "Little Bonnster!" He petted her head a little awkwardly, and Bonnie tried to grab his hand.
"Just remember she needs to be fed at four and then again at eight, and it'd be great if you could give her a bath, but it's ok if you don't want to. And, oh, before sleep, she always likes to have Mommy Duck sing '5 little ducks'. Mommy Duck is a glove puppet, I put it in the bag."
Caroline gave them an apologetic look. "I am so sorry I am ruining your boys' night…"
"Five little ducks is my favourite song," Brody promised her.
Sebastian stared at his friend as he finished telling the story. "Did you call Caroline?" he asked, side-stepping Alex carefully and walking into the apartment. Kurt followed behind him.
"We can't!" Brody said desperately. "It's only been two hours! If we call now they'll all know we failed!"
"You-you got through a whole bag of diapers in two hours?" Sebastian asked with wide eyes.
"Um...not exactly," Brody said, holding up the bag. It was dripping with milk. "The bottle exploded...all over the diaper bag. I don't even know why, I filled it up and then shook it, like the box said, and BOOM!" He set the bag down and mimed a milk-tsunami in the air.
The diapers had done their job and soaked up all the fluid, rendering them completely useless for their actual purpose.
Kurt shook his head. How could two grown men be so incompetent?
Alex saw him look and narrowed his eyes. "Ease up with the judgement, Kurt," he warned him. "This baby is evil ."
"Exorcist-level, dude," Brody agreed.
Kurt snorted. "I'm sure it's not that bad."
"Oh, it is,"Alex said darkly. Almost as if to empathise his point, Bonnie upped her screeching another notch.
Sebastian looked around the apartment, taking in the destruction. Caroline's bag lay on the couch, its contents strewn everywhere, and a jar of green mush with a spoon still in it had rolled under the coffee table.
"Still, you can't wrap the baby in a hoodie!" he said shaking his head.
"I didn't know what else to do!"
"Don't you have any napkins, or small towels?"
"I tried! It didn't work!"
Sebastian sighed and pulled out his phone.
"DON'T CALL!" Alex and Brody yelled as one.
"I'm not!" Sebastian said exasperated. "I'm going to YouTube how to make-shift a diaper so that we can take the child out and buy new stuff without someone calling social services!"
"I'm not going out there with shit in my hair!" Alex protested, pointing at the window.
"Broccoli," Brody corrected.
"Nor with broccoli!" Alex yelled.
Bonnie started crying even louder at his raised voice.
Alex winced. "Shhh! Come on now, Bonnie, I didn't mean it like that," he said softly, hoping to soothe her. "Uncle Sebby is gonna make you a diaper and then he and uncle Brody and uncle Kur-"
"Cutify my name and I walk , I dare you," Kurt threatened, narrowing his eyes. He felt for Alex's situation, but if there was anything he hated, it was people calling him Kurtie .
"Uncle Kurt will get you some nice food and some new diapers, ok?" Alex continued.
"Will we?" Brody asked. "And what are you going to do?"
"What do you think? Shower. This stuff stinks. No wonder Bonnie didn't want to eat it."
Kurt looked at Brody and shrugged. "I guess pizza and Mario Kart has to wait."
Just then, Kurt's phone rang. The sound startled Bonnie so much she stopped crying. Kurt took his phone out of his pocket and glanced at the screen. "It's my boss," he said, frowning a little. Isabelle knew he wouldn't be in this weekend.
"Hey, what's- Okay. Okay , calm down so I can-" Kurt closed his eyes and listened to his boss ramble on about Absolute Disasters in Neon Socks and Photographer Egos and the Diamonds are Forever theme bust. He took a few calming breaths as she slowly came to the point. "Okay," he said, "I can do that. Sure. No, it'll be perfectly safe, there's four of us here...well, four and a half, and we're probably going to stay in. I'll come and pick it up and deliver it tomorrow."
He lowered the phone. "Isabelle wants me to pick up a piece of jewelry we got on loan for a photoshoot. We weren't supposed to return it until Monday, but the whole theme fell through and now she's afraid it might get stolen if it stays at the office. She says the store owner can come in tomorrow afternoon to sign for it, so I need to go pick it up and keep it here overnight."
"Why can't she take it home with her?" Brody asked.
Kurt sighed. "Her apartment has been broken into twice in the past three months. Anywhere's probably safer than her place. And, no offence Alex, but I doubt anyone would suspect to find much of value in here…"
Alex shrugged. "None taken, this place is a bit of a dump. We're saving up, though."
A suspiciously satisfied gurgle came from Bonnie and Alex narrowed his eyes. "Though this month's paycheck will probably go into a new red hoodie…"
Brody shook his head and looked at Bonnie as if she were a bomb.
"Okay, this doesn't look too complicated," Sebastian said, looking down at his phone. "I need a towel...a square one if possible, but a hand towel will do if not."
Alex went into the bathroom and reappeared a moment later with a square towel, thankful in that moment that Steph was obsessed with towels - it was normally a cause for argument. He never knew which one to use for what. In his opinion, all towels should just be everything -towels.
Sebastian nodded. "Is there a changing mat?"
"I think so, hold on," Brody said, rummaging through the pile of stuff from Caroline's bag. He found one and handed it to Sebastian.
"Okay, let's do this, kid," Sebastian said, taking Bonnie from Alex. He let out a sigh of relief. Bonnie was staring at Sebastian, momentarily distracted from crying. She reached out with a tiny hand and grabbed his glasses. She opened her mouth wide and tried to push them in.
Sebastian took the glasses from her with his right hand. "Nuh uh, Bonnie," he said. "Uncle Bas can't see without them." Bonnie looked at him with wide eyes and her bottom lip wobbled.
"Oh no…"
Bonnie started wailing again. "Okay babyboo," he said, bouncing her a little as he walked towards the couch. "It's okay...we're emancipated guys, we can do this. Don't you worry…"
Kurt cleared some space on the couch for Sebastian to put the mat down.
Sebastian carefully unwrapped the hoodie.
"WOAH!"
"OH GOD!"
"That's just…"
Bonnie chuckled.
"Um, Alex? I'm afraid we'll need a few more towels...a garbage bag...and possibly a hazmat suit," Sebastian mumbled, picking up the corners of the changing mat and folding them in over Bonnie's legs and the soiled hoodie with a look of disgust.
Kurt shook his head. "She needs to be bathed. Alex can multitask, he was going to shower anyway!"
Alex stared at him. "No way! I'm not taking that poop-burrito with me in the shower!" he protested. "What if I drop her? Besides, I'll be naked in there-"
"That's true. She'll be traumatised," Brody agreed. "Maybe we can bathe her in the sink?"
"In my kitchen ?" Alex asked, looking nauseous. "Where I make my food ?"
"Then what else would you suggest, Alex?" Sebastian said. "We can't bathe her in the toilet bowl!"
Alex thought fast. "Toilet bowl... Bowl …! I got it!" He hurried off to his closet and came back with a large photo-printed metal bucket.
"Oh man, are you sure about that?" Brody asked, cocking his head in compassion.
Alex nodded grimly.
"What's that?" Kurt asked, looking at the New York skyline image.
"This," Alex said with a sigh, "is a limited edition 2014 Super Bowl New York New Jersey beer bucket. I keep my socks in it." He handed it to Kurt. "It'll never be the same again."
Brody patted his shoulder consolingly.
Kurt carried the bucket to the sink and started the tap.
"Here, this looks good," Brody said, walking up with a small bottle of baby bubble bath. Kurt nodded and poured some soap in, checking the temperature of the water with his hand. It was pink and smelled strongly of strawberries.
Sebastian let out a short huff of breath. "Okay. Let's put the bucket on a towel on the floor. Then I'll lift her out of her things, Brody wipes her off, Alex bags the hoodie and the mat, and I'll bathe her?"
Brody and Alex exchanged looks. "What about Kurt?"
Sebastian looked back at his boyfriend, who was shaking his head subtly, looking a little desperate. "Kurt's in charge of outfits," he decided.
Kurt let out a relieved breath and put two thumbs up. Years of being an 'honorary girl' in Glee club had not given him any parental feelings. For Blaine, their talk of adopting a child had been mostly about the political statement, and Kurt doubted either of them would have been able to go through with it.
Kurt took the bucket and carefully set it down as Sebastian instructed, kissing him swiftly on the cheek, then stepped away to go and look at things they could change Bonnie in to after bathing.
Brody grabbed two hand towels, wet them, and held them up like a surgeon about to operate. Alex held up a garbage bag. They looked grim but determined.
"Okay, everyone ready?" Sebastian asked. The boys nodded. "Three...two...one... "
He lifted Bonnie up out of the soiled changing mat and held her at arm's length over the bucket. Brody started wiping her down, gagging a little as he tried to breathe through his mouth. Bonnie started crying again, not liking the position or the wet towels at all.
Alex groaned. "RIP, favourite hoodie," he said, pushing it deep into the bag together with the mat.
"Okay, I got most of it," Brody mumbled, dropping the towels into the bag as well.
Sebastian carefully lowered Bonnie into the soapy water. She stopped crying and wriggled her toes.
"Yes, that's nice, isn't it, Bonnie? Nice and warm...and now you smell like strawberries! Yes, you do. I could eat you up, but I won't, because I'm allergic to strawberries. Lucky you. Hey, you can sit up,"Sebastian said in surprise. "Look at that. Good job, Bonnie."
Bonnie splashed the water with her little hands and laughed happily, making soft babbling sounds at Sebastian.
Kurt heard his boyfriend praise her and looked up from sorting out the pile of clothes on the couch. He smiled. Who knew he was dating the baby whisperer ?
"Okay, I see you guys totally got this. I'm gonna shower," Alex said in relief. He gingerly picked up the garbage bag and carried it out to the fire escape. He'd deal with that later.
For a moment, Brody, Kurt and Sebastian just looked at Bonnie, splashing around in the water.
"Maybe that was all she needed," Brody suggested. "We thought she was hungry, but her mom did say it would be good if we could bathe her…" He peered into Bonnie's eyes. "Are you okay now? No more terrorising the nice uncles?"
"Ba!" Bonnie agreed, and hit the water with such force it splashed into Brody's face.
"So much for that," Brody muttered, but Kurt could tell he was smiling.
They let Bonnie, who was now perfectly happy, play for a little bit in the water, and then Sebastian lifted her out and wrapped her in a large fluffy towel.
"Okay, Bonnie, let's try that diaper thing again," he said, carrying her to the couch, where Kurt had laid out a fresh changing mat and a few different outfits. It hadn't been easy, as a lot of them had been tsunamied by the milk or the broccoli - or both.
"So even if this works," Kurt said sceptically, looking down as Sebastian put Bonnie down on the mat, "A towel isn't exactly...waterproof. What if she pees?"
"Well, we can't stick her in a ziplock bag," Brody commented.
Sebastian thought as he folded the towel in half so it was a triangle and then started wrapping it around Bonnie. YouTube had said to use waterproof panties but they weren't likely to have any of those.
"Is the Bonnster okay in here?"Alex asked, walking back in with dripping hair and a towel around his waist.
"We got it, man. Get dressed, there's a lady in the house," Brody joked.
"Actually," Sebastian said, turning to Alex. "Do you have a plastic bag? And some scissors? Duct tape?"
Alex looked at him with a frown for a moment and then grinned. "Gotcha, McGyver!" he said, retrieving a bag from under the kitchen sink and scissors from the drawer. "Here, hold this-" He handed them to Sebastian. "I'll be right back with the tape."
Sebastian cut holes in the bottom of the bag and carefully drew it over the towel diaper, letting Bonnie's little legs slot through the holes.
Alex returned with the tape and ripped off two pieces with his teeth. Sebastian used them to seal the bag closer around Bonnie's waist. She started cycling her little legs immediately as if to free herself, but the construction held for now.
"Alright, I'm next," Kurt said, holding out his arms to take Bonnie. He had found a romper with no stains on it, and managed to wrestle Bonnie into it, though they had to leave the legs unbuttoned because it wouldn't fit over the towel-diaper.
"I'm sorry," Kurt whispered at Bonnie, who was peering up at him vengefully. "I agree it's not the most flattering look, but you have to work with what you got right? We'll combine it with a good hat. And this kimono wrap-around jacket maybe? Lilac is very in this season."
Bonnie raspberried at him.
Sebastian chuckled. "Trust uncle Kurt, Bonnie. He works at Vogue, you know."
Kurt pressed his lips together in a smile. "I do! Do you want to go shopping with me, Bonnie? I bet there aren't too many six months old with a personal stylist…but how will we take you?"
"There was a baby carrier in the bag," Brody said. He looked around and pulled something from under the couch that looked like half a backpack. "So...who?" he started hesitantly, looking at Bonnie.
Kurt blinked. "Well, I'm definitely not gonna wear a strap-on-baby," he stated. "This shirt is dry clean only." He saw Brody's expression and added: "And besides, I have to get to Vogue and pick up the jewelry. I can meet up with you at the store."
"That's very convenient," Brody said a little sharp.
Sebastian sighed and reached for the carrier, rolling his eyes. "I'll do it," he said resignedly. "Someone go through the stuff from the bag and make a list of what we need."
He started fiddling with the carrier, trying to work out how to strap it to his chest.
"Here," Brody said, moving to help him while Kurt made the list. Between the two of them they figured it out and soon Bonnie was nestled in the pouch.
Now that the world around her had calmed again and Bonnie found herself in a familiar cradled position, she stopped fussing and rested her head against Sebastian's chest.
Kurt watched them for a moment. Now that she was quiet, Bonnie was kind of adorable.
"Okay, let's go," Brody said, nudging Kurt. "You can daydream about your future later."
"Oh, I- I..." Kurt stammered, feeling a little caught. He looked at Sebastian and smiled bashfully.
Sebastian smiled and winked at him. He checked his back pocket for his wallet, slipped his phone in the other pocket and offered Kurt his hand.
They headed out of the apartment and down the road to the store. Alex had promised to clean up the living room while they were out. The motion of their walking lulled Bonnie to sleep and she curled her little fist into Sebastian's shirt.
"She's quite cute when she's not screaming or projectile vomiting," Brody said, looking at her.
"She is," Kurt agreed, taking yet another picture of Sebastian and Bonnie. He didn't know why Brody and Alex had acted like she was the baby from hell. How hard could it be to babysit her for a day?