Ickis' Home For Unruly Felines
an Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: I love animals and it's sad that not every pet can find a loving home, or that every willing care-giver can take them all in. This story reflects that.
Ickis sat underneath the bridge, fishing in seclusion. He felt a tug on the line and excitedly hauled in... another worthless fish. "Why can't I ever catch anything good?" he bemoaned. Slickis was the undisputed champion at spearing garbage, and his best friends, Krumm and Oblina also displayed a knack for it. He unhooked the slimy, wriggling fish. Later, he would take it with him and when it had finished rotting, he could scrape off some of the scales, maybe string them into a bracelet for Oblina. She might turn down the gift, but Valentine's Day, that great wishful-squishful holiday WAS coming up in 2 weeks and he was counting on her allowing him a 'pity date'. At this point, he figured if he could just get one foot through the door to her heart, he'd wedge it open permanently (or at least rent a space there).
A car honked, and Ickis jumped back slightly. He wobbled off-balance for the briefest of moments, and watched as a large bag tumbled into the river. Fresh garbage was always the best and easiest prize to snag, if you could get it before it stopped floating! With a flick of his wrist, Ickis cast his pole out once more, for the final time that evening. It snagged the burlap container right away, and despite the unexpected weight of his catch, he hooked it and reeled it in.
"Please oh please be something rusty! Power tools, old garden equipment, a bucket even!" he prayed. Ickis tore through the cloth with his claws and discovered 6 black-and-white kittens staring up at him. "I can't eat them, they're too cute!" he whined. The boldest kitten tumbled out of the bag and rubbed up against his foot, purring. "And they're soft. Although at least this one already knows how to growl. Did your father teach you that move, little guy, or didja learn it on your own?" Ickis wondered.
The cat blinked its sleepy eyes at Ickis and meowed. "The Gromble always labels critters like you a meow-and-scratch. Bradley's got one for a pet, he says it's a tomcat and they call him Whiskers. I don't think that will work for us, every single one of you has whiskers! You look like you're wearing one of those human suits, a whatchacallit- tuxedo! Y'know, like a secret agent. Humans think they're smart but I met one of -those- once and I totally outwitted him! Okay, Krumm and Oblina helped some, but it was mostly me who saved the day!" insisted Ickis.
The other cats began creeping towards him, and the discarded fish. Ickis' eyes widened as he saw the brave kitten start to nibble on it. "Mrrow." it exclaimed.
"No no no, that's Oblina's! You're not s'posed to..." Ickis faltered. The kittens all seemed so hungry, and he knew how bad it felt to skip meals. "...eat it all at once. I have to go back to the dump now, but I can get you another fish tomorrow, no problem!" he finished.
One of the cats trotted back to him and dropped a fish scale next to his foot. "That's nice, but I was saving some crickets for later, and I'd really prefer eating that. Tomorrow, we'll play tomorrow." Ickis insisted. The kitten flopped over onto its belly and wiggled back-and-forth. Ickis bent down to pet it. "I should give you a name. You look like you're all part of some elite, crime-fighting squad and your monikers should reflect that. You can be Agent S. Your big brother, the first one out of the bag, he's Agent Y. The one washing herself with her tongue, that's Agent M. The loudest meower, he's Agent B, no doubt. That one with the big paws, he's a bit clumsy, so we'll make him Agent D. And the sleepy one with the wide grin, she'll be Agent K." he announced.
Agent S reached up a paw, as if to agree with the wisdom of their names. "Prr-rrrup." she rumbled.
"I'd bring you back to the Academy, if I could. It's warming up, but still kinda chilly at night. The Gromble -really- doesn't like pets, though." Ickis admitted. "I'd have to smuggle you inside, as if we were concealing top-secret documents from the enemy! Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to follow me home and not get caught! What do you say, Agent S?"
The cat turned and crawled back into the bag. Her siblings, having finished their fish dinner, all followed suit. Oh, this was going to be a cinch!
"This is going to get you expelled." Oblina informed him as soon as he reached the dorm and unloaded his cargo. "Do you not remember the Gromble forbidding you to keep Pustule?" she chided.
"Fungus." Ickis automatically corrected. "And he was -a- pet, a really great bark-and-bite. Best example of the breed! But these are pets, plural. The Gromble never said I couldn't obtain several at once."
"Ickis, do you know what happens to little monsters who argue over semantics with the Gromble?" Oblina asked him.
"He admires their creativity and tenacious nature?" offered Ickis.
"They get Snorched!" Oblina stated firmly.
"True art is never appreciated in its own time." Ickis lamented.
"Take them back to the human world tomorrow. Krumm and I will pretend we don't know anything." suggested Oblina.
"I don't even have to pretend." Krumm added. "I'm like the Viewfinder, what you see is what you get."
"Krummy, if you compare yourself to an inanimate object, you are inviting feelings of inadequacy." Oblina cautioned.
"Yeah, the Viewfinder's pretty stiff competition. But can it juggle it's own eyeballs? I think not." Krumm declared proudly.
"I'd rather compare myself to a superhero." Ickis allowed.
Oblina sighed. "Can't I make you understand? You're having delusions of grandeur." she reminded Ickis.
"I'm through accepting limits, cause someone says they're so!" Ickis snapped. "I'm keeping the meow-and-scratches, I'm hiding them from the Gromble, and no one will ever suspect anything!"
"It was nice rooming with you." Oblina claimed.
"Really? That's not what you said last night. Or last week. Or last month. Or even..." began Krumm.
Oblina glared at Krumm. "Ix-nay on the ad-bay oommate-ray." she whispered.
Ickis was not amused. "You can't fool me with Pig Latin. My dad wretches in 28 languages! He used to translate Beowulf from the original German. Sometimes he'd just pick a random location and use their native tongue during bedtime stories. Y'ever hear King Hrothgar issue a proclamation in Ojibwe? Or Grendel threaten someone in Portugeuse? I'm alot smarter than my grade average would indicate." Ickis protested.
Oblina stared at him. "T-that wouldn't be too hard." she stammered.
Ickis was doodling in class again, trying to remember all the things Bradley claimed his tomcat liked. Fish, of course, were a favorite snack and Ickis could supply that easily enough. Cats also liked saucers of milk, he'd seen plenty of them at grocery stores. Balls of yarn seemed to be a big hit, or anything that had a string. He didn't want to use any of the electrical cord he could scrounge from the dump, that might hurt his little secret agents. Perhaps a shoelace from a worn-out sneaker would suffice?
"Blah blah blah-de-blah blee blee blah." the Gromble was lecturing now but Ickis was able to tune him out easily enough. Oblina tapped Ickis on his shoulder, to get his attention.
"Whaaat?" Ickis answered testily.
"It's your job to tell the class that." hissed the Gromble. "What impacts have human engineering had on the Monster World? Be specific in your examples, Master Ickis."
Ickis sighed. "A teenager ran me down with his car and broke my leg. They built a nuclear plant, and when I got inside it, people mistook me for a mutant and wanted to run experiments on me. Once we got stuck on one of their garbage scows, and Oblina kept pulling my ears so she wouldn't drown. They have TV now, which may or may not be dangerous, that's open for interpretation. They did put Simon on TV once, but nobody really took his claims seriously, people just wanted a cash prize. Human cameras are capable of flashing our pictures, but the resulting photographs are fragile and can be destroyed. Each and every one of them gone, I swear it! The only truly diabolical human invention is a lava lamp, and you can avoid that if you remember to close your eyes before the swirling blobs mesmerize you. Or you can just leave your glasses at home, they're the snorbliest known accessory anyway."
The Gromble considered this. "Technically accurate on 80% of your assessments, although I didn't ASK for an editorial!" snapped the Gromble.
"I gave 6 examples. You can't obtain an even percentage out of that. If you include the statements on Simon's verbosity and the outright gweebiness that life inflicts upon me, that changes it to a factor of 8, which would equate to 75% accuracy by your logic." Ickis stated.
"Fine. You've just lowered your score." the Gromble conceded. "Now you have a 75 for the day. Don't get smart with me Master Ickis, or I'll start demanding even MORE from you."
"It's why I keep the expectations low." Krumm acknowledged as he kicked back in his seat.
Ickis sulked in the dorm after school. "The Gromble is such a jerk. Hasn't he ever heard of positive reinforcement?" he asked the kittens. They meowed back at him. "Whatever. We're going to have a great day together. I'm going to catch so many fish, and start the biggest string collection in the world all for you. But before we go topside, we've got a few minutes before Oblina and Krumm get back from the library. I know you didn't mean to wreck Oblina's present but sorry doesn't get the girl, now does it? I'll have to ready my fall-back plan. I went scaring in this old record shop 4 nights ago, and overheard this Sinatra song. I've re-written the lyrics just for her, and since this is a sneak preview, I expect an honest critique from my guests."
"Mrr-rrowl." Agent B promised to be tough but fair. Ickis took that as a good sign, cleared his throat, and set the pitch with his harmonica.
"Your fuzzy little squish
Short, fluffy little squish
I'll make you smile deep within
My scares are laughable
They find me affable
Even when the full loom's setting in
Does my temper seem varied?
Do my essays sound harried?
Should my dreams all be buried?
It's a sin...
But I'll always come for you
Each tune I'll hum for you
Stay little squish of mine, stay!
Each day's a squishier day
Does my temper seem varied?
Do my essays sound harried?
Should my dreams all be buried?
It's a sin...
But I'll always come for you
Each tune I'll hum for you
Stay little squish of mine, stay!
Each day's a squishier day." he sang. Agent K slept through the entire performance. Agent Y jumped on top of Agent S. Agent B scratched the cover of Ickis' monster manual. Agent D yawned deeply. Agent M rubbed up against his ankles, purring. "I know who's got the talent in -this- family." Ickis quipped while absently stroking the female kitten. "Good girl."
Krumm and Oblina stood outside the door nervously. "You're telling him you have other plans, right?" Krumm asked her.
Oblina frowned. "I was going to, but he DID work hard at that song." she admitted.
"Don't keep me in suspense too long. Horrifica's reserved a booth at the sludge smoothie shop, y'know, the one across from the Gorblat Alley." Krumm informed her.
Oblina was furious. "You have another girl waiting?" she hissed.
Krumm shrugged. "You have Ickis." he pointed out.
"That's different, I never -wanted- Ickis." she argued.
"Be sure to let him down gently, then." Krumm advised. He knocked on the door. "Hey pal. You want to go scaring with us?" he offered.
"Sure! I'll be right with you Krumm, just don't open the..." Ickis started to warn him, but Krumm was already on his way inside. 5 of the cats leaped up and immediately ran outside. Agent K opened her eyes, stretched briefly, and joined her siblings. "...door." Ickis finished unhappily.
"For little critters they sure can run fast." Krumm observed.
"Help me catch them!" Ickis wailed. "If the Gromble finds them first, I'm done for!"
"I hate to say I told you so, Icky..." Oblina scolded.
"But you'll do it anyway, come on!" yelled Ickis as he led them down the hall.
The Gromble was reasonably satisfied with his students' performances today. Ickis had somehow mustered the courage to talk back to him, but the threat of a lesser grade seemed to rein him in quickly enough. Still, he was adding another inflammatory note to Master Ickis' progress report. And Slickis had better read through it entirely before signing off on it. The Gromble was going to examine that signature thoroughly too. He knew most adult monsters did not sign papers "I forgive my boy. I'm Ickis' Dad, stop bothering him. The Great Slickis commands it. That's me, Slickis. PS You're so not fair." Still the possibility existed that Ickis might one day employ one of his friends to assist in the forgery.
Unfortunately, the Gromble was so deep in thought, and so sure that his students knew not to approach him outside of an emergency, that he didn't check to see if his office door had shut completely. Agent Y sniffed at the door, then smacked it with his paw. His siblings followed the exampled and soon the managed to force it open enough to sneak in. All 6 kittens were captivated by the persistent smell of leather. Agent B walked up to the nearest shelf lined with red shoes. He stuck his face inside one and coughed up a hairball. Agent D knocked several shoes into one another, causing a domino effect. Agent K began to chew on her pair. Agent Y piddled on a particularly shiny shoe. Agent M sharpened her claws on the shoe closest to the door, while Agent S decided her shoe would make an excellent litter-box and she could no longer hold it in.
The Gromble frowned. What was that foul stink, and that crashing noise? He put down his quill pen and walked over to his shoe closet which he immediately realized was in shambles thanks to those annoying furry creatures crawling around HIS office. "ICKIS!" he roared.
Ickis skidded to a stop in front of me. "Hello, sir. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, and I wondered if you might have seen, and this is gonna sound silly, anything unusual lately?" he phrased it as gently as he could.
"I see a stupid, thoughtless red monster in trouble AGAIN but there's nothing unusual about that!" the Gromble roared. "What are those meow-and-scratches doing in MY office?"
"They were being secret agents, but I guess they invented a new game." Ickis nervously stated.
"Master Ickis! I ought to expel you!" the Gromble threatened.
"Let's not be hasty, sir. Remember all the good times we had? Didn't I save you from Skritch's insane revenge plots?" he offered.
"That's in the past. Nobody cares about that. Right now, it's your FUTURE that's in jeopardy. I told yo, NO PETS!" hollered the Gromble.
"That was in the past. Nobody cares-" began Ickis.
"My past and your past are 2 very different things! For instance, my past has wisdom and value. Your past is littered with mistakes and disasters starting from the day YOU were hatched." snarled the Gromble.
Ickis blinked back tears. "I knew you'd blame me for that. I think everyone should." he mumbled.
"Perhaps I meant that more as a figurative example, a broad generalization if you will." the Gromble attempted to downplay his outburst. "I don't WANT to deal with these meow-and-scratches ever again. Either they are going, or you are going." he insisted.
"Agent S likes her tummy rubbed. You should scratch Agent B behind the ears at least once a day. If Agent K falls asleep on your desk, you can pick her up and move her, she's a pretty sound sleeper..." he started to describe the kittens' habits.
"The pets are leaving, Master Ickis, NOT you!" he roared.
Ickis' ears fell. "I don't know why you even put the offer out there, if you're just going to take it away." he whined.
"Not my problem. Just drop them off somewhere and be done with it." the Gromble ordered. "Take one of your friends with you, I don't trust you to go alone. You'd probly come back with the entire Bronx zoo."
"I can't even open the gate, the lock is too advanced for my claws." Ickis confessed.
Ickis cried a little as they walked along. "You didn't have to come here, Oblina." he sobbed.
"Icky, the Gromble told you that somebody HAD to accompany you." Oblina reminded him. "Krumm would have been willing, but I nominated myself first."
"Why?" Ickis asked as he placed a cardboard box full of kittens in front of the elaborate mansion. He tacked a note to the box, to insure the kittens would be looked after.
'Because you would come for me, if I needed it." she explained. She rang the doorbell and then grabbed Ickis by the arm and dragged him to the bushes where they could observe the human's action.
Rock star Suede opened the door, looking petulant. "If this another reporter..." his threat was interrupted by a meow. "What is this, a box of kittens for moi? And a note, I shall read it immediately. 'Dear Suede. I heard your music and it was good so you must be a good human. Please take care of my pets. Their names are Kelia and Daggoroth, Brickis and Malvara, Squelia and Yaggoroth. Sometimes they like to pretend to be secret agents. You should use their initials then. Thank you from a fan.'" Suede clapped his hands in delight. "Oh, what a wonderful gift! They are so cute and so fluffy! Come inside my new friends, I shall pour some milk myself, you'll LOVE it!" he declared.
Ickis watched his kittens follow the kind-hearted celebrity inside. "G'bye my favorite meow-and-scratches. Have a g-good life an' don't f-forget about me." he stammered.
Oblina reached over and gave him a hug. "No one ever could." she promised.
~~~The End.
Author's Note: Thanks for reading! I can't decide whether this should serve as a "season finale" to the fanfics, or whether I need one more dramatic piece to add to their adventures. Please try to find space in your heart to always care for those who are most in need of your love. Reviews are greatly encouraged.