We're gonna laugh about this someday

by norcaltwitard

This is a one shot I wrote for the Remember when this was fun contest. It is ExB AH, AU. Rated M for all the usual reasons.

This is the one-shot I wrote for the Remember when this was fun contest. I don't know what possessed me to write it, since I am not a writer. Maybe it's because I was threatened with public humiliation if I didn't follow through with my submission. So I am publishing my submission, although I have a feeling the public humiliation part is going to occur anyway. Oh well :)

I want to thank the wonderful ladies at PTB for helping me with my abhorrent grammar and the wonderful Ms. Meyer, who owns the lovely characters that I am messing with.

So here goes nothing, I hope you enjoy it or at least don't hate it and ban me from the fandom.

We're Gonna Laugh About This...Someday

"It's just as embarrassing for me as it is for you." I try to comfort Bella, but my words don't do anything to alleviate the stress behind her eyes as she stares up at me. Usually, the sight of her mouth wrapped around my cock is a total turn on, but right now, in the middle of the emergency room, with my apadravya stuck in the back of her throat, my mind doesn't think so. My dick, however, has a mind of its own. Apparently, MightyEd – Yes, I call my cock MightyEd, so what? – doesn't give a flying fuck that we are in the emergency room. All he seems to care about is the fact that he is still surrounded by the soft, wet warmness that is Bella's fuckhot mouth because he is still hard!

I watch as Bella's eyes go wide in frustration, and her cheeks become impossibly more red as yet another nurse comes in to see how we are doing.

"How ya doin', sweetheart?" she asks, and I have to stiffle my moan as Bella's responding growl sends vibrations through my piercing and straight up my cock. I groan in frustration as I watch the nurse, who looks way too much like Angelina Jolie for my liking right now, leans in to look at Bella.

"We are the same as we were five minutes ago, when the other nurse came in to check on us," I reply, not even trying to hide my irritation. "Are we going to get to see a doctor anytime soon? It's been over an hour already."

"Well, unfortunately, we had a large trauma come in just before you arrived, so it might be a while, yet" the nurse explains. "Is there anything I can get for you, dear? Another pillow? Or maybe something for your lips? They're starting to look a little chapped."

Thanks to Nurse Hottie, my mind has now joined in MightyEd's pervertry with images of Nurse Hottie rubbing slick ointment on Bella's lips and most likely my throbbing cock. I get another jolt of pleasure as Bella's strangled sounding "No," and the movement of her tongue, distract me from my thoughts and further prove my earlier conclusion: MightyEd cares not where we are, only that he has seemingly taken up permanent residence inside of Bella's mouth. My barely contained moan causes Nurse Hottie and Bella to stare in my direction. I can feel my cheeks heat as I blush in embarrassment, proving my earlier statement that I am in fact just as embarrassed by all this as Bella. I clear my throat and address Nurse Hottie, "Um, do you think we could have some privacy?"

"Sure, just push the button if you need anything." As she turns to leave, I see the beginnings of her smirk.

"Bitch. I can't believe how unprofessional they are all being," I say as I look back down at Bella. She raises an eyebrow at me, and I can almost hear her thinking, "I saw you checking her out." She rolls her eyes as I shrug and feign ignorance. "What?"

BPOV

Seriously! Did he actually just say "What?"! This is unreal. I have Edward's dick stuck in my mouth. It is stuck. IN. MY. MOUTH! It doesn't matter how many times I say it in my head, I still can't fucking believe it. My knees are killing me, my arms are asleep, and I'm pretty sure my jaw is actually going to fall off, and he is checking out Nurse Ratchet's ass and has the nerve to say "What?".

"Baby?" Edward interrupts my inner rant. "Maybe you should just try to relax a little, or swallow or something and I could pull out."

Relax! Swallow! Oh no he didn't...

I level him with the most dick-withering glare I can manage from my position. I can't help but try to verbalize my thoughts, "aaaaaahoooooo."

Yes, I am aware that calling someone an asshole while their dick is embedded in your mouth is pointless, but it's the thought that counts, right?

Apparently Edward is enjoying my attempt at verbalizing my contempt because MiniEd – yes, I call his cock MiniEd – just twitched. I cannot believe he is still hard. If my ass were on display for a bunch of EMTs, fireman and ER nurses, I don't think I'd still be in the mood.

Well, maybe if it were just the fireman...

Then again, Edward always has been sort of an exhibitionist.

Oh my god! He is actually enjoying this, isn't he? And he has the gall to tell me it's just as embarrassing for him as it is for me. I call bullshit. He is always trying to talk me into doing it in public, and now he's getting his way. Okay, so maybe I'm not thinking entirely clearly here, since it's not like he planned this or anything, but still.

I can't help feeling this is all Edward's fault. All this shit started when Edward came over to hang out by the pool, and then he took his shirt off, of course. I just can't resist that man, with his perfect V and the way his shorts just barely hang on his hips. If he wasn't so fucking lickable, none of this shit would have happened. That settles it, it'll be a cold day in hell before Edward I'm-so-hot-with-my-tatoos-and-cock-piercing-and-perfect-abs-and-long-fingers... and wait, what was I saying? Oh, right... no more deep throating for Edward. Well, at least not while he's got his apradavya in. Because I can't cut him off completely... Just then another thought hits me. What if they have to cut off his dick to get it out of my mouth? My eyes go wide at the thought, and I stare up at Edward with a brand new kind of anxiety. I can't help the whimper that escapes me as the thought of them cutting off MiniEd causes my eyes to fill with tears.

"What's wrong, baby? Does it hurt? Should I call the nurse?" I grab Edward's hand to stop him as he reaches for the call button. "What is it, Bella?"

At times like this, I wish I knew sign language.

Times like this? Really? When has there ever been a time like this? The answer to that is um, NEVER.

The feeling of Edward's thumb gently brushing a tear from my cheek reminds me I was trying to tell him something. I feel my brow wrinkle, and another tear escapes as I lift my hand and make a scissor action with my fingers.

"What? You wanna play Rock-paper-scissors?" Edward looks at me with confusion, until I move my finger scissors toward MiniEd. Instantly his eyes go wide in horror. "Oh, hell to the fuck no! They are NOT cutting my shit off to get it out of your mouth! How could you even suggest that?"

Worst game of charades. EVER.

I hold my hand up to Edward to get him to calm down. I try again to convey my concern. I raise my eyebrows in question as if to say "What if they have to?" and shrug my shoulders.

I can see in Edward's eyes when he understands what I'm trying to say. "Baby, I don't think, correction, I can't think that THAT will be necessary." He shakes his head, and his body seems to shudder at the mere thought of it. All of a sudden, his suggestion that I try to relax and swallow doesn't seem so bad, given the only alternative my mind has come up with.

It is then that I realize what I'm going to have to do. I need to finish what I started, or more to the point, Edward needs to finish. Maybe if MiniEd was a little more relaxed that goddamn barbell wouldn't be caught in my throat. I wish I would have thought of this sooner.

What? I was a little busy freaking the fuck out about having my boyfriend's dick stuck in my throat.

I close my eyes and say a little prayer thanking the oral sex gods for my lack of a gag reflex. I do my best to block out the fact that I am in the middle of a busy emergency room behind a curtain that offers about as much privacy as an open window and focus on the fact that Edward and his cock are depending on me.

No pressure, though.

I take a deep breath, and when I open my eyes, I see Edward's deep green eyes staring down at me, and suddenly the rest of the world disappears. My mind takes me back to Edward pulling me inside the house...

The moment we are inside, he traps me against the wall, and his mouth is on mine. Licking. Sucking. Biting. His tongue dancing with mine as I feel my whole body tremble with need. I know Edward feels it too when I feel his mouth pull up in a crooked smirk. I really fucking love that smirk. I move my hands from their position at the back of Edward's neck down the planes of his chest, stopping for a moment to play with the rings in his nipples before dragging my fingernails slowly down his abs. His grip on my hair tightens as my fingers brush across that delicious V and across his stomach where his happy trail disappears into his low slung board shorts. As Edward moves to untie my bikini top, all I can think of is how much I've wanted to taste that V all fucking day. I moan as Edward uses his fingers to tease both my nipples at once, and as I throw my head back, he takes advantage of my exposed neck. He rubs the spot just below my ear with his nose and takes a deep breath before beginning a torturously slow path down my neck toward my collar bone. He doesn't stop his assault on my nipples when I slip my hands into the back of his shorts, grabbing his bare ass to pull him closer to me. I can feel the heat of his hard cock against my stomach through the thin material of his shorts and I pant his name, "Edward..."

His mouth returns to mine, and he reaches down and picks me up by my thighs. I wrap my legs around his hips, and we continue our kiss as he carries me toward the couch. When he turns and settles us on the couch, my knees come to rest on either side of his hips. His hard length is now pressing against where I need him most, and I grind myself into him as I move to kiss his neck. His hands slide up my thighs and come to rest on my hips as he grips them tightly and pushes me down onto his cock. I groan and continue to alternate between sucking and nibbling his neck. As Edward begins to tug on the strings holding the sides of my bikini bottoms together, I lean back and shake my head, and I move his talented hands back to my bare breasts. Edward takes advantage of my new position by leaning forward and taking one of my nipples in his mouth. I moan and rock my hips at the feeling of his warm, soft mouth on my nipple. He alternates between sucking, licking and nipping at me until I think I might explode with need. I feel his hand on my hip grip tighter as he thrusts upward, his hardness hitting just the right spot. I pant as Edward's ministrations intensify, and I feel my orgasm building . He must know I'm close because his upward thrusts become more urgent and his mouth more determined, and it is then I feel my body fall into a state of orgasmic bliss. My pussy throbs and my legs tighten on his hips as, "Oh, fuck... Edward" falls from my lips. I feel Edward kissing his way across my collarbone and up my neck. His hands grip my hair at the base of my head, and he pulls me toward him into a soft but searing kiss.

"Is that what you had in mind, baby?" he questions as he moves away to look in my eyes.

I bite my lip and raise an eyebrow at him as I slowly shake my head. I can't help the sultry smirk that pulls at my lips.

"No." He chuckles as his eyebrows go up in disbelief.

"Well, that was fun," I reply as I let my fingers and eyes wander over his abs. "But, not exactly what I wanted."

"Well, what is that you want then, Bella?" I feel his hips rock up into my now overly sensitive pussy, showing me that he is still hard and more than willing to continue what we just started.

I lean over and allow my lips to brush his earlobe as I whisper, "I want you to fuck my mouth." I chuckle and nip at his earlobe as his sharp intake of breath turns into a low growl. Edward's hands are in my hair again, and his mouth is on mine. His obvious excitement at my words turns his kiss urgent and hard. He bites my lower lip before releasing me and saying, "Oh, baby... you don't have to ask me twice."

Edward's eyes appear darker as he lifts me from my position on his lap and sets me on the edge of the couch. I'm treated to an excellent view of his delicious V as he moves to stand in front of me. I look up into his eyes and lick my lips as I untie his shorts and let them fall to the floor. I place my hands on his hips, and I do what I've been fantasizing about since he took his shirt off several hours ago. Starting with his left hip, I place hot, open-mouthed kisses along that beautiful expanse of skin and muscle that descends toward his equally gorgeous cock. I take my time making sure that no measure of his skin goes untasted. His skin is warm and tastes of salt and chlorine and Edward. As I make my way up toward his right hip and finish my teasing by moaning my appreciation, and look up at Edward as I position myself against the back of the couch and spread my thighs as Edward kneels in front of me. I reach out and take his cock in my hand slowly start to pump him up and down. I lean forward and lick the glistening drop of wetness that has emerged at the head of his dick. I look up to see Edward watching me with unrestrained lust in his eyes. He watches as I move my hand from his cock and slide it into my bikini bottoms to gather some of the wetness there. Edward groans as he watches me stroke my pussy and wrap my now wet fingers around his hard cock. I stroke him a few more times before wrapping my mouth around him and use my tongue to play with the barbell that resides there. I suck and lick my way down his shaft, enjoying the feeling of his length in my mouth. After a few moments of this, Edward's hips start slowly pumping forward. I relax my jaw but continue licking and sucking as his strokes push his cock farther into my mouth. I can hear Edward's breathing quicken as his pleasure increases and his cock moves more forcefully toward the back of my throat.

"Oh, baby, I love the feeling of your mouth on my cock." He grunts and I hum as I move my free hand to grab his ass as he pushes forward once more.

I am snapped back to reality by the sound of metal on metal as the curtain surrounding the "room" we are in is pulled aside without warning. My eyes go wide, and I feel my cheeks flush as I take in the figure that has entered the curtain. He is older than me by at least twenty years, but that doesn't make him any less gorgeous. I am grateful that he has not looked up from the chart in his hands and witnessed my reaction to him, especially since I currently have my boyfriend's dick stuck in my mouth. As my stupid whore mind remembers my precarious situation, my eyes return to Edward's face, whose cocked eyebrow has stripped me of any hope that he didn't notice me checking out the person who just entered behind him.

"My apologies, Miss Swan," Dr. Gorgeous begins, and I notice Edward's expression change from slightly amused irritation to complete shock. "I was just called in, and my name is Doctor..."

Before he can finish, Edward's head whips around and he chokes out, "DAD!"

I now understand the look on Edward's face and feel my own level of mortification move into a realm that has never before been experienced by anyone. EVER!

Could this day get any worse?

"Edward? What are you doing here?" Dr. Cullen asks, since he obviously hasn't gotten to the interesting part of the chart he is holding in his hand.

"What am I doing here? What are you doing here?" Edward's shock is apparent in his tone, and I can tell he is clearly not thinking straight because his line of questioning seems more than a little out of place considering our situation.

"I started working at the hospital again. Didn't your mother tell you?" replies Dr. Cullen, and it is at this point, he moves his gaze in my direction. I watch as his eyes go wide when he takes in the sight before him. The sight of me in nothing but bikini bottoms and one of Edward's button up shirts kneeling on a hospital gurney with his son's cock in my mouth.

As Dr. Cullen's cheeks go red and he mumbles, "oh my god" and turns to face away from us, I realize something that, because of my death-wish-inducing-embarrasment, had escaped my attention until just now. MiniEd has gotten noticeably flaccid since the arrival of Dr. Cullen and the mention of Edward's mother. I realize that I am able to relax my jaw some, and as I do, I feel his apradavya slip over my tongue. I have always loved the feel of that little metal rod on my tongue, and other places, but never before had I felt such complete elation about its presence on my tongue. Because the fact that it is on my tongue means it is no longer stuck in the back of my throat. Slowly I pull my head away from Edward to test my theory that I am once again free to move my head and sigh as Edward's cock slips past my lips.

"Oh, thank fucking god." I moan as I sit back on my heels and begin massaging my jaw with my hands. My voice and ability to form words cause both Edward and his dad to look at me. Edward realizes that his dick is still on display and quickly covers it with a nearby pillow. My relief is short lived, and my blush returns in full force when I remember that I am sitting half-naked in an emergency room, with my half-naked boyfriend and his father, who up until a few minutes ago, I had never laid eyes on.

Way to make a first impression, Swan. Can you say "awkward"? Because I can.

It is Dr. Cullen that speaks first. "Well, you must be Bella." He approaches me and extends his hand. "I'm Carlisle, Edward's father." I shake his hand and offer him an embarrassed grin.

"Hi," I say in return as he releases my hand. "It's nice to meet you?" It comes out sounding more like a question than a statement and I continue, "I mean, it is nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you and your wife. I didn't mean to sound like it isn't nice to meet you. I just wish we were meeting under better circumstances, ya know, like a time when we weren't in the ER because your son's dick was stuck in my mouth." I slap my hand over my lips, and I blush once more and notice that Edward starts to chuckle lightly beside me. He always finds my verbal diarrhea amusing.

"Sorry," Edward states as he fails to hide his amusement by clearing his throat. "Sorry."

Carlisle takes another step toward me with a look of concern, and it is apparent he has returned to doctor mode when he inquires, "How are you feeling, Bella?" He reaches toward my face and asks, "May I?" I nod my head and he proceeds to probe my jaw line and neck with his fingers. He then pulls a pen light from his pocket and instructs me to "Say ahh." I open my mouth as wide as my tired jaw will allow and he says, "There doesn't appear to be any damage. Your jaw will probably just be sore for a couple of days. I can prescribe a muscle relaxant if you would like, and you should be fine taking some Tylenol or Advil for any pain."

"I'll be fine, I don't need anything. Thank you, Sir." I respond with a quick shake of my head, and he gives me a quick nod.

Edward chuckles again and says, "Bella, I think you can probably call him Carlisle. After what he's just seen, I think Sir is a little formal." I give Edward the stink eye, and I see Carlisle regard me with a raised eyebrow and extremely familiar crooked smirk.

I feel my cheeks heat once more as I mumble, "Could this be any more embarrassing?"

I feel Carlisle lay his hand on my shoulder as he addresses me, "Don't worry, Bella. I'm a doctor. I've seen a lot worse things than this. And believe me when I say, we're gonna laugh about this someday."

If you made it this far, I want to thank you for reading. Leave a review if you want or just shake your head and pray I never write again. Both options are totally legitimate choices that I fully support. :)