The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has been stolen. Just more madness from my tiny little mind while waiting for season 7 to arrive. The final installment in the Office Training Video series.
Office Training Video: Security
"I have to admit these tapes y'all made for training purposes were pretty educational," Ray remarked as he took a swig of scotch in Krieger's lab. "I know I learned a lot. A little too much actually."
"This tape is really interesting. It's also the last tape in the series," Krieger said. "You'll figure out why when it's over."
The titles came on with Krieger's voice over: "What is the importance of keeping secrets in a spy agency?"
Next came a shot of Mallory Archer at her desk. "I can't believe I actually have to do one of these stupid things myself," She grumbled as she took a sip of scotch from a glass.
"A lot of CEOs and heads of companies put out messages to new hires in videos," Krieger was heard off camera.
"Well we desperately need some new hires," Mallory grumbled. "The way these idiots run around here you would think this is a Farce Factory! Especially with the few tapes I did see already!"
"There's still some editing I need to work on to improve them," Krieger was heard.
"The only editing that will improve those tapes is a lit match!" Mallory snapped. "You realize these little bits of propaganda pabulum are supposed to help entice and keep new people working here? At the rate we're going I'd be surprised if we ended up with more than ten people!"
Mallory took another drink. "In fact I am seriously considering retraining the entire staff we have right now! Since none of those morons would know what to do at their jobs if someone stood over their shoulder every minute of the day and told them what to do!"
"How did I end up with such a massive collection of failures and disappointments?" Mallory sighed. "This is not what I envisioned when I first decided to open my own spy agency I'll tell you that."
"What did you envision your spy agency to be?" Krieger was heard asking.
"Not this!" Mallory snapped. "Not what I have now! A bunch of drunken, gossiping, sex crazed morons and brain dead drones that fill this place up every day with their incompetence and stupidity. Who every day surpass themselves in mediocrity and madness in ways I never thought were possible!"
Mallory then took another drink. "God what does it say when my own son is the best of the lot? Keeping in mind he's completely incompetent at almost everything he does. Aside from drinking and getting new and exciting venereal diseases. Still better than the rest of the freak show that lurks around here. Not by much."
"Okay Krieger now that I've got that out of the way you can start taping now," Mallory waved.
"Uh…Okay…" Krieger said off camera.
Mallory straightened herself and looked straight at the camera. "Greetings. I'm Mallory Archer your boss. And I welcome you to my agency. And for those who have been employed here for years I welcome the opportunity to see you do some actual work."
"Today I'd like to discuss with you the importance of secrecy in a spy agency. It's no secret by now that we've had a few…issues with security in this building," Mallory sighed.
"A few?" Cheryl was heard laughing off screen. "Try like a dozen!"
"Cheryl!" Mallory snapped.
"First there was that creepy Krenshaw guy that worked here for years that turned out to be a KGB mole," Cheryl walked on screen. "Then there was that super splooshy Conway Stern who turned out to be a double agent. Which you hired without doing a real background check like not even a few months after the Krenshaw thing."
"Cheryl shut up!" Mallory snapped.
"You're just super jealous because I got to bang him and you didn't!" Cheryl snapped. "Then there was like three or four agents that were really working for ODIN. And then at least twenty of our agents decided to jump ship and work for ODIN because you wouldn't give them raises!"
"Yes well…" Mallory began.
Cheryl went on. "Then there was the time that movie star turned out to be a double agent and you just let her have full run of the place and assassinate that Soviet guy. Because you were too busy writing a movie script for a movie producer who didn't really exist!"
"It was more complicated than that!" Mallory protested.
"No, it wasn't," Cheryl said. "And then there was the time Pam just let those kidnappers into the building and I got shot before they all got killed. That time our mainframe was infested by that virus. That one guy you tried to seduce that turned out to be behind that stolen Russian submarine. That other guy you tried to seduce that almost blew up a blimp…"
"Cheryl…" Mallory began.
"And then there were those caterers you hired for that stupid party who turned out to be assassins," Cheryl went on. "Then that other time you hit on that other guy who turned out to be working for some criminal group. And all those times Mr. Archer hit on those female double agents who double crossed him."
"Cheryl…" Mallory was fuming.
"Then there was the time Krieger made a KGB cyborg bitch that almost married Mr. Archer but totally dumped him on his wedding day," Cheryl went on. "And now she's the head of the KGB so you know that somewhere and somehow she downloaded at least some kind of files into her processor."
"Oh shit…"Mallory blinked. "I'd forgotten all about that."
"Did you also forget the times you snuck Len Trexler into this building for a quickie?" Cheryl added. "And he stole some of your files a couple times? Not to mention that head of the KGB you had like a thirty something year affair with and he ended getting blown up because I led Barry to the safe house…Okay that last part was more me than you…."
"Cheryl…" Mallory warned.
"The only passwords we have around here are either Duchess or Guest!" Cheryl snapped. "Seriously! Even I can figure that out! No wonder our computers get hacked like every other week! And not always by our own people!"
"Cheryl…" Mallory growled.
Cheryl just kept going. "And between your sex tapes, Pam's blog, Scatter Brain Jane's blabber mouth, those parties Krieger throws in his lab with his weirdo friends and all the whores Mr. Archer just brings in here to impress and have sex with it's no wonder everyone knows our business."
Cheryl then added. "By the way Mr. Archer just brought in like a bunch of whores so he could show off like ten minutes ago. I think they're in the armory."
"WHAT?" Mallory shot up from her desk.
Krieger followed Mallory and Cheryl out of her office. "Of all the stupid…idiotic…" Mallory swore. "STERLING MALLORY ARCHER!"
"You bellowed Mother?" Archer was coming out of his office carrying a bottle of expensive scotch.
"What the hell is Cheryl going on about you bringing a bunch of bimbos into the armory?" Mallory shouted. "What did you do? Just grabbed a bus full of whores off the street and dragged them up here!?"
"It wasn't a bus!" Archer snapped. "It was a bachelorette party limo."
"But the armory?" Mallory snapped.
"It was Candy's idea!" Archer said. "She wanted to see some…Or was it Cindy? I know it was the one with the red hair. But three of them have red hair…"
"Sterling Mallory Archer…" Mallory gritted her teeth.
"But Cindy doesn't have red hair," Archer thought aloud. "Oh it's Mandy. Mandy! Mandy is the one who suggested it."
"Suggested what?" Lana walked up.
"Suggested that the girls check out our armory," Archer said.
"Is that some kind of new phrasing joke you've come up with or…?" Lana asked.
"I wish it was!" Mallory snapped. "Sterling invited a horde of whores and left them alone in the armory!"
"They're not alone!" Archer barked. "I left Rodney with them."
"You left those women alone with Rodney?" Lana barked.
"Oh don't worry Lana," Archer waved. "Even if two or three of them are attracted to him at most…There's still at least five of them left. And I don't think Rodney can barely handle one let alone…"
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M CONCERNED ABOUT DUMB ASS!" Lana shouted.
"Why the hell did you bring a bunch of big breasted bimbos into our armory?" Mallory shouted.
"I had to! They recognized me on the street and said they were big fans!" Archer said. "The next thing I knew we were in the limo drinking champagne and…"
"Wait, hold on a second," Lana interrupted. "These women recognized you?"
"Yes Lana! I am a famous secret agent," Archer preened. "I know you're jealous but…"
"And you don't think the contradiction of words in that sentence would trigger any kind of alarm in your tiny little drunk ass brain?" Lana barked.
"Huh?" Archer blinked.
"Famous secret agent," Lana said the words slowly. "As in…secret agents aren't supposed to be famous! We're supposed to be secret! AS IN REGULAR PEOPLE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT US!"
"Well they did!" Archer barked. "In fact Cindy told the limo driver exactly where to go."
"AND THAT DIDN'T RAISE SOME KIND OF RED FLAG?" Lana shouted.
"Oh dear God no…" Mallory winced. Then she saw something. "Oh for the love of Christ!"
"What?" Archer asked.
"HELP!" Rodney hopped over. He was wearing only his shirt and boxers and tied up with some rope.
"See I told you he couldn't handle them," Archer laughed.
"Uh yeah, they just stole a bunch of weapons from the armory!" Rodney snapped.
"They what?" Mallory shouted.
"We have to lock down the building!" Lana gasped.
"Too late," Rodney groaned as people started to come over and watch. "They got away…Oh great! You're getting this on film? Yeah like this isn't embarrassing enough!"
"But I was only gone a few minutes to get the scotch," Archer said.
"Looks like they got other things," Cheryl giggled. "Including Rodney's pants."
"How much you want to bet that 'Bachelorette Party' was really a bunch of criminals who did their research on you so they could gain access to our armory and steal our weapons?" Lana barked at Archer.
"Well…Considering the evidence I'd guess odds on that are about two to one," Archer remarked.
"IT'S A HUNDRED PERCENT YOU AAAAAAGGGHHH!" Mallory screamed in frustration.
"Gotta admit that really clever of them," Rodney seemed to think aloud. "Hmm…"
"Red flag alert!" Ray spoke up.
"Rodney what did they get?" Lana asked.
"Enough to launch an invasion of Rhode Island," Rodney told her. "Guns, ammo, grenades, and grenade launchers…Even some of Krieger's extra nerve gas containers."
"Krieger you're not supposed to store nerve gas in the armory!" Lana looked at the camera.
"Yeah. And what are you doing with a camera anyway?" Archer asked.
"We're doing a training video about the importance of security at the agency," Krieger was heard off camera.
"Wow. Talk about irony," Archer laughed.
"You should put this in the video," Pam appeared laughing.
"Video! We can pull up the building's security cameras and show them to the police when…" Lana began.
"We're not calling anyone!" Mallory snapped.
"What do you mean we're not calling anyone?" Lana barked. "A bunch of dangerous criminals just became more dangerous by stealing some of the most dangerous weapons we have!"
"So what? We'll track them down and get the weapons back!" Archer said. "I think they were from…Uh…I wasn't exactly paying attention to what they said."
"Which is a moot point because they were probably lying," Lana gave him a look.
"Yeah that sounds like the case," Archer admitted. "But we can probably get the weapons back."
"Spoiler alert," Krieger sighed. "We never did."
"And then once the armory was refilled and our agency was shut down, Rodney cleaned out the armory again!" Ray groaned.
"So to recap! A whole bunch of criminal bimbos just robbed our armory thanks to Archer's horniness and stupidity and you're not going to tell anyone about it?" Lana barked.
"What am I supposed to do Lana? Call the police?" Mallory mocked.
She mimicked a phone with her hand. "Hello, Police? I'd like to report a robbery. Well technically it wasn't a breaking and entering seeing as my idiot son invited them in! Yes he just let them right in and left them alone without any supervision so they could take whatever they wanted! What was stolen? Oh a lot of guns and a few rocket launchers from our armory. Probably some missiles and definitely a lot of ammunition. Maybe even some nerve gas. More than half of which isn't even approved by the Geneva Convention. Oh it's fine officers, you see we're a secret spy agency that technically isn't even le…"
Mallory caught herself. "Well you get the idea."
"Technically isn't what?" Lana blinked.
"Nothing," Mallory waved.
"You started to say something that started with le," Lana narrowed her eyes. "As in legal?"
"No," Mallory waved.
"Legitimate?" Lana went on.
"That's leg not lee," Pam corrected. "She definitely said lee not leg."
"Were you going to say legal?" Lana gasped. "As in this spy agency isn't legal?"
"No! Of course it's legal!" Mallory barked. "I was going to say leeward. As in we have some structural problems in our building that may not be up to code."
"That didn't sound like leeward to me," Pam said.
"Who asked you?" Mallory snapped. "You don't know anything except the sound of a donut box opening!"
"Mallory are we working for a rogue agency?" Lana asked.
"For Christ's sake Lana you ask me that at least once a year!" Mallory was exasperated. "And every year I tell you that this agency is a legitimate spy agency!"
"And yet I've never really seen any government paperwork or anything that connects this office to the government," Cheryl spoke up.
"Now that I think about it I've never really seen any certification papers of any kind," Cyril spoke up.
"I've never seen any official government permits or paperwork that allows us to have the weapons in the armory," Rodney spoke up as someone untied him. "Which we really kind of need now to restock it."
"I was talking to my friend who works in ODIN's HR department the other day," Pam spoke up. "And she says that government inspectors check out her agency at least twice a year because of some stupid regulations. I've never seen any government inspectors come here."
"In hindsight this was kind of a huge red flag that we should have noticed," Krieger remarked.
"You think?" Ray groaned.
"Listen up!" Mallory shouted over her disgruntled employees. "This is a legitimate intelligence agency. I can understand your confusion considering none of you have any intelligence whatsoever! ESPECIALLY YOU STERLING!"
"WHAT DID I DO?" Archer shouted.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Mallory shouted. "WERE YOU NOT HERE NOT EVEN TEN MINUTES AGO WHEN YOU INVITED A BUNCH OF BIMBOS WHO STOLE FROM US?"
"I don't think Archer is ever here period," Cyril was heard saying. "Mentally anyway."
"Well you're not wrong!" Mallory snapped. The sound of a phone ringing was heard in the background. "Not that the rest of you are geniuses in any way!"
Mallory glared at her subordinates as the phone rang. "I swear to God I have no idea how I ended up with such a gaggle of goofs, geeks, losers and freaks!"
"Karma?" Cheryl suggested.
"CHERYL GET THE GOD DAMN PHONE!" Mallory ordered.
"All right! Jesus!" Cheryl groaned as she went to answer the phone.
Mallory went back to her rant. "Every time I think you idiots can't slink further into the depths of incompetence, you top yourselves! I swear I could take a bunch of slacker teenagers who know nothing about being spies except what they've seen in the movies and they'd probably do better at your jobs than you lot!"
"Wouldn't that like be breaking a ton of labor laws?" Archer suggested.
"It would be worth it to get some decent help around here!" Mallory shouted. "As hackneyed as that premise is they can't be any more juvenile than you lot!"
"That's actually a movie franchise," Krieger spoke up. "Spy Kids. Did several movies in that series." The phone in the background stopped ringing.
"A few cartoons did that too," Pam said. "Like Totally Spies. And Kids Next Door."
"Johnny Quest," Archer added. "Inspector Gadget. Hong Kong Phooey. Danger Mouse. Jabberjaw. Remember Jabberjaw?"
"That's technically not a spy cartoon," Cyril said. "It was an undersea rip off of Scooby Doo."
"It still had its moments," Archer admitted. "I mean they had to solve mysteries and occasionally thwart the odd super villain. That's kind of spy cartoon-esqe."
"Eehhh…." Cyril shrugged.
"A talking shark can be just as good a spy as Inspector Gadget," Archer barked.
"Considering Inspector Gadget was a bumbling idiot that's not really saying much," Lana added.
"He had heart Lana! That's what counts! He's a homage to Inspector Clouseau," Archer barked.
"Another way of saying rip off," Cyril rolled his eyes.
"Homage! Not rip off!" Archer barked. "Big difference!"
"Technically Inspector Gadget wasn't even a spy but a detective," Pam spoke up.
"He was played by the guy who played Maxwell Smart!" Archer barked. "Close enough!"
"Don Adams," Krieger spoke up.
"Yeah him! I love Inspector Gadget," Archer said. "That's a fun cartoon."
"You realize that the cartoon is about a cyborg right?" Lana gave Archer a look.
"What do you mean?" Archer asked.
"Inspector Gadget is a cyborg," Lana told him.
"Since when?" Archer gasped.
"Since always dumb ass!" Pam snapped.
"How did you know that?" Archer gasped, clearly stunned.
"Uh it was pretty obvious," Lana said.
"He had a propeller popping out of his head," Cyril said. "How did you miss that?"
"Wait that came out of his head?" Archer gasped. "I thought it came out of his hat!"
"He had springs in his feet!" Lana barked.
"Special shoes," Archer said.
"He also had extended legs and arms which stretched everywhere," Lana snapped.
"Okay now that you mention it that does seem like a red flag," Archer blinked. "Should have picked up on that one."
"I should pick up new agents," Mallory winced in pain.
"I like the theme of Jabberjaw," Pam spoke up. "Especially the updated one."
"I should update this agency with real agents and employees who don't talk about cartoons all day!" Mallory grumbled.
"I'm serious! You idiots can't even make a bunch of training videos right!" Mallory shouted. "I've only seen about half of them and if anyone else does we'll all be up before a judge faster than you can say 'legitimate intelligence agency'!"
She made a scream of pure exasperation. "Am I the only one around here who even knows how to be a spy? I swear I am the only person here who can not only keep a secret about understands the importance of discretion!"
"Ms. Archer!" Cheryl shouted from off screen. "One of your old Mob boss boyfriends is on the phone. He's calling from Costa Rica and wants to thank you for getting him out of the country before the feds arrested him."
Everyone looked at Mallory. "You uh, wanna get that?" Lana asked simply.
"Uhh…." Mallory stalled.
"Oh and it's that Moreno woman from Mexico on another line," Cheryl added. "She said it was nice doing business with you but she found someone else to help her smuggle people across the border. Like you really need to charge a ton of money for people to get into Canada."
"Uh…" Mallory winced.
"Also that Len Trexler guy called a while ago and left a message for you!" Cheryl shouted from off screen. "You know, the head of ODIN you've also been having affairs with for decades? I think it was before we turned his brain to lettuce and I forgot to give it to you. Oh and there are a few messages from the time that KGB guy you were also dating for thirty years are in my desk. But I forgot about them too."
"Yes well…"Mallory began.
"According to my notes it's something about an apology for some pigs in a bay that he got out of you," Cheryl added. "I didn't know you were into agriculture."
"You were saying?" Lana gave Mallory a look.
Mallory pressed her lips. She looked directly at the camera. "Krieger you know all these tapes you've been making? I've changed my mind. Burn them!"
"You can kind of get the gist by now why these tapes were never approved for viewing," Krieger told Ray.
"Honestly I'm amazed we haven't been on the evening news by now," Ray groaned.