Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from The OC. I'm just a fan writing a fanfic. Please don't sue me.
Rating: PG
Summary: It's my musings meeting the OC. Just a one-shot kind of fic. Alex is a bit blue and Marissa tries to cheer her up. This is done using Alex's POV.
For Bianca
For Adyssa
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I have this feeling of hurt and disappointment inside me that usually, I don't even tend to bother with. I've learned to just throw away my feelings, utterly closing myself to the outside world. But right now. I really can't. I feel stupid and useless to a girl who just literally dumped me.Then again, I'm just Alex Kelly.
Weird, neurotic, nerdy, and possibly the last person on earth for a girl to like.
Yeah I'm a lesbian. But at times I think of myself as bi. I don't really know. But I do know one thing.
I like girls.
I like girls a lot.
But then again, I have trouble trying to make girls like me.
"Why is she saying this to me? I think I'm going to cry." I mumble to myself as I read the text message that was sent to me.
I went out with this person. Well, just met with her twice. We barely even knew each other but she was nice. I mean really friendly. Thought it was cool meeting someone like her you know. I really, really like her. But I don't consider myself in love with her. I've been in love thrice in my life. And I think I know what it feels like.
"Am I really that unlikable?" I ask myself.
She's probably the fifth, although I'm clearly not sure, to actually stop befriending me. I think they worry too much that they'd hurt me because they don't like me back. I'm a seasoned veteran though. I can actually separate my other feelings and just be friends with girls I actually like. I just need time though. Wish they knew that. I could use a new friend.
"You know you should stop moping. It doesn't suit you." I hear my friend say.
Well this friend of mine, Marissa Cooper, is probably one of the nicest people I know. She was always by my side when times got rough. It's funny because, I know I feel something about her too. Although it's something I wouldn't tell her. Like all others, I like her but, my friendship with her is more important than the aches in my heart.
She makes me remember Jodie.
She's this college friend of mine. We really didn't get along before. I mean, I think she hardly knew me. But we had certain moments. Although, not of the romantic kind. I think. I was her dance partner in gym class, and her seatmate. But she was really, some kind of socialite. I was the nerdy type of person who would just dress to actually look decent. She manages to dress like she's a ramp model everyday. I liked her. I mean really liked. But you see, I used to be silent about everything I feel. I was scared to lose people around me. I felt, they were the only ones who could appreciate me for me.
How I fell in love with her could be explained with twelve months of spending each passing hour together. I mean, I thought she was this person who I could never get along with. But we did. And I think we hit it off. As friends though. Not that it's a bad thing.
In the course of our blooming friendship, she met my guy friend who lives overseas. She liked him. As far as I know. They even did the long distance relationship for a while. Most of the time, he was the topic. Although I couldn't get tired. She was happy. And I was happy for her.
How it went downhill from there? Well… It started when my guy friend died. I don't know if Jodie dealt with it, or if she's starting to blame me because she focused her pain on me. She actually became snobbish, irritable, and angry. Now if you're in love with a person, you want them happy. It hurt me, because she was breaking down in front of me. Although she was silent, her constant avoidance to be within a few meters from me was an indicator. Losing the love of her life meant I had to lose mine. It was never the same since then. I hardly had a conversation with her.
But there was this turning point between us.
One night at a party a common friend hosted, we met. We had no choice but to sit close to each other. She told me something I could never really forget.
"If you have something to tell me. Tell me now." Jodie whispered to my ear.
I didn't say anything. I just shook my head telling her there was nothing to say. There was nothing to say. I didn't want to ruin the memory of my friend by telling her how I feel. Whether it was what she meant.
"Why do I always scare them away?" I turned to Marissa who was texting her sister Kaitlin.
After my terrible heart ache with Jodie, I told myself I'll tell the people I care about, and those I like how I really feel. After all I only had one life to live. I don't really want to live my life thinking about the what ifs. I'd rather get hurt. I mean, it made me feel good at a point in time.
"You don't scare them away. They just have a hard time understanding you." She replied casually.
With that response, I don't really know whether to knock her out or to scream. Gee, Marissa thanks. You just told me I'm a completely complicated individual brainy people can't appreciate.
"Am I boring?" I ask her again.
She turns to me seemingly arching one of her brows. She was telling me I was starting to babble again. She knows I do this each time I feel bad.
I open my mouth but nothing came out. I wasn't out of words, but she was distracting me. She was making this face, this weird face that makes me forget all the words I was about to blurt out. She's funny yet, utterly annoying sometimes. She'd rather piss me off than listen to me. But it had a good side. She manages to keep my mind off of things except her. Yeah, the great Marissa Cooper.
Marissa Cooper is this tall, brunette who I met over the internet. She's a cousin of my friend who I also met online. We went out together, with the rest of our online gang I guess once or twice. I used to fix her pc as a favor too. By now we meet when we had time. Or if I was around and they wanted to hang out. She's not bad though. I mean. She's one of the most caring people I know.
"You've done this a hundred times. Do you still even care what they think?" Marissa asked me taking my hand.
She always made traces of light circles on my palm when my arm was within her reach. I don't know why, but she seems to like it.
"I don't really. It's just… I wanted to have a new friend." I answer, my voice obviously tired and frustrated.
I have friends. But it didn't really hurt to have more.
"Yeah. Pile up all the people who actually end up in your phone book then gradually would not be texted or called anymore." She shots me this disappointed look before letting go of my hand.
I knew what she meant. Because when I was with my ever so recent ex, I forgot all about them. All about her.
It wasn't because I did it to ignore them. My ex had this, problem with trust. Where she got it from I don't really know. I mean I was faithful to her. I mean really faithful. I never went out with other people although she was studying overseas. The biggest problem to her was, Marissa. She couldn't stand me with her. They never met but, she couldn't. I don't really know why.
"That's not fair. You know I had to do it for us to work out."
"Well you and miss-she's-mine-don't-come-near-her didn't exactly work things out did you?" Marissa replied flashing me glares.
If those were bullets, I think I would have died.
"Let's just stop ok? I don't want to talk about her." I reply, taking her hand in mine.
I stood up and dragged her, walking towards my car. I wanted to ease what I feel inside. All the current pain, and the pain that I have already forgotten.
I have this thing about my brain. At times, my short term memory is really, really bad. But my long term memory acts up in overdrive when I'm upset. I mean I end up remembering things I have utterly forgotten about. Things that happened to me a long time ago keep popping up in my head.
I've been called pathetic that I can't get over the past. Especially on things I had made decisions on. Actually I do get over the past. It's just that, I remember them all when I'm sad. All my friends, especially her, worry about me when it comes to that. Marissa calls it, the breeding ground for self destruction, self pity, and lack of self esteem. She's not a psychologist, but she understands me. Better than anyone else I think.
I drove towards the beach which was a couple of kilometers away from where I work. Marissa was in the process of finding that perfect job, so she hangs out with me on my lunch break. At the moment I had no intention of cutting my lunch break short. I work on a family business. My mother wouldn't even care if I'm missing. I still get the job done anyway.
I feel her head resting on my shoulder as I parked the car. She caressed my hand, quite gently I must say. It made me smile. And I'm sure she knows.
We got down from my car and breathed in the sweet smell of the ocean. I walked in front of my car and sat on the fine sand. I thought of the people who care about it me. It was my mantra to make me settle down from another rejection. She quietly sat beside me, staring at the ocean as well. She took my hand and I felt her entwine our fingers. I had nothing else to do but look down at them. They seem to fit each other. I smile again.
"You know… You're very likable..." She began to say.
I looked up to see her face and I found her smirking at our entwined fingers.
"You just have to stop trying to hard to please other people… I mean… You can just be yourself and not try to impress them… Don't tell them you like them if you barely know them. They can either use you, or they could hurt you. You'll be lucky if they like you back." Marissa said casually, her smile seem to diminish with every word she was uttering.
I breathed out and sighed.
Maybe it was a mistake. But I didn't really want to lose people again. I mean, without letting them know how I feel. Then again, I lose them anyway. So I guess she's right. What's the point?
"I think it'll take me another year to find someone again. I don't really want to go back to miss-she's-mine-don't-come-near-her ex." I replied squeezing her hand.
"Good."
"Good?" I ask turning to her with a grin on my face.
"Because I don't know if I can last thinking of her invisible glare every time I'm with you." She smirked looking away to fix her gaze into the ocean.
"You'll find someone. Let them know you better. I'm sure they'll like you." She added still holding my hand.
"What makes you think they would?"
"I'm an expert." She replies bringing another smile to my face.
How many times has she made me smile already? I can't really remember how many.
She gently let go of my hand and gave me a kiss on my forehead. I watched her musingly as she ran towards the water, leaving her shoes carelessly beside me.
I could tell that there's something between us. But it's not that kind of love. I mean, not that love I'm looking for. Although at times, I would want it just to be her. It would have been easier. She gets who I am. And I do understand who she is. We don't have problems with that communication aspect of a relationship.
I feel my heart flutter as she waves at me with a smile. She runs towards me as I push myself up, off the sand. She stood in front of me, tilting her head obviously looking for something on my face.
She does that all the time. She was like a detective searching for a clue in my face. But her stares and curious eyes are so warm that I don't mind. I don't really mind being stared at by those green eyes.
"Smile. I want you to smile for me."
I try let out a small smile. I felt a little shy with her requests.
"Just because one girl doesn't want to be your friend, or even more than your friend doesn't mean nobody will like you…" She tells me flipping her hair.
She turns herself around, her back facing me. I was caught by surprise when she leaned on me. She took my arms and wrapped it on her waist. I feel her fingers caressing my palms. I feel my heart race when she leans in, resting her head on my shoulder. She looked up to me, her lips almost touching my chin. I look down at her, smiling nervously.
I know she knows I'm nervous. We never did this before. I never held her this close. I think my heart is about to go out of my chest. The last time this happened, the girl ended up being my girlfriend. As of the moment, those had to get off of my head. She's a good friend of mine. I had enough of losing my friends.
"I feel your heart beating behind me…" She whispers.
I felt Marissa's lips on the base of my neck. It sent shivers to my body. I feel my knees getting weaker too. I tried standing still. Good thing the car was just behind me. I settled myself on the hood: Trying to calm my nerves as she pulled my arms to hold her tighter.
"At least you know I'm alive…" I reply taking my gaze towards the ocean.
It was calm and peaceful. It's funny though. It was always how I wanted my first date would be. It just so happens. My ex-girlfriends prefer partying or hanging out on the mall. I never got the quiet, romantic date I always wanted. I tend to give in to what my girlfriend wanted.
"What are you doing with me?" I suddenly blurted out.
It was a question I wanted to ask her because of some obvious reasons.
"I'm here, with you, watching the ocean. Helping you get your mind off some things." She replies looking at me.
"No. I mean. Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Are you a killer? Have you done a crime I didn't know of?" She asks me arching one of her brows.
Now if you know Marissa Cooper. Sarcasm is her number one forte.
"No… What I meant was, how come you're not afraid I might fall for you."
She looks away from me. Silent. I open my mouth to add something but she cuts me off.
"It's not a crime to fall in love with a person. You don't choose who you fall for." She replies rather in a very hush-hush tone.
We were silent again. But I feel her hands pulling my arms to hold her tighter.
"I want you in my life." She mutters not looking at to meet my eyes.
I think I'm the worst friend ever. I feel her breathing a little deeper than usual. I'm so not a good friend. I'm a worthless piece of shit!
"And I don't mind, case you end up liking me. I mean… What's not to like?" She added as I feel her giggling in my arms.
I feel relieved. She's making fun of the thought.
"Just so you know… I can't tell who I'll end up liking too. But one thing is for sure, I'm hoping she ends up liking me someday."
I couldn't respond. I just feel her pulling my arms again. Somehow the words didn't register yet. But when it did, my heart went into overdrive.
Did she just say… "SHE?"
She nuzzles her head on my shoulder and I feel her lips on my neck again. I close my eyes.
Maybe I'm dreaming. This can't be happening. I mean at the back of my mind it's the only logical reason I could think of. Ok Kelly, you have to be dreaming. Because there is no way this girl in your arms likes you that way. No way… No fucking way!
I feel her turn around and I look down at her. She gave me that crooked smile the just melts me from where I stood. She kissed my chin then moved out of my arms. I look at her confused.
"I want to let her feel she's the best thing anyone could have. Because she is." She whispers before resting her forehead against mine.
I close my eyes again. Maybe I drank too much coffee on the way here.
"Someday…" She mumbles as she walks away then runs towards the ocean again.
I look at her and watched her let the water kiss her feet. I try to make my thoughts logical. Marissa couldn't like me. She must like some other girl. Lucky her.
I saw her turn waving her hand to get my attention. I wave back just to let her know I saw her.
"DON'T LOOK TOO FAR ALEX KELLY!" She yelled out before turning away from me.
My mouth was agape not knowing what to respond. But then, as I watch her play along shore another smile crept into my face.
Marissa maybe right. You have to let them know who you are. Not try to be the person they want to see in you. I guess I was trying too hard to be someone I'm not. And being friends was always the safest step. They don't have to know I like them that much. Well she's also right about one thing.
I don't have to look that far.
Someday.
Maybe.
Marissa Cooper and I.
Who knows right?
-FIN-