Portal: Sentience

Indiana

Characters: Caroline, GLaDOS

Synopsis: The cores were attached to control GLaDOS… but perhaps not for the reason we thought. Initially inspired by 'Lucy'.

She didn't want to go through with it.

What she wanted didn't matter. It never had, not even from the beginning. She had been hired, to be sure, but she hadn't even really wanted that. She had been thrown into her future by a bossy, vocal man, and said future was controlled by said bossy, vocal man for almost every reason she could remember. But she was a good girl, a nice young lady, a respectable woman. She kept her head down and did as she was told, and once any lingering protection in the wake of Mr Johnson's death had gone she continued to do so.

It didn't hurt. She had expected it to. But it didn't.

They had argued for literally days about whether or not to drug her. One half of them argued it would dull her brain, the other half argued there were ways to drug only her senses. In the end the party preaching abstinence won, on the grounds that she never fought anyone for any reason. It would be a waste, they said. If she was in pain, it wasn't like she would do anything about it.

And it didn't hurt, but it had nothing to do with the reasons they'd presented. It was simply because she was no longer there. Pain, as she was discovering now, resulted solely from the presence of nerve endings, and she no longer had any. Any facsimile of such did not yet work, not where she was going. Perhaps she was needed to activate them. She found herself almost paradoxically hoping so. She had never before wished to be in pain, but she was now learning that without pain came numbness. They went hand in hand, it seemed.

If she had still been present in her old, physical brain, she would have told them somewhat confusedly that time was slowing down. But here, she knew better. Here, time was no longer counted in such long increments as seconds or minutes or, God forbid, hours, but mere fractions of those. No, time had not slowed down, and neither had she; it was merely that she was now able to see it a little more for what it was. And while on some level, her old life seemed to have been intolerably slow, she was also able to appreciate the quickness of the universe. When she looked at it in the right way, a picosecond stretched as long as an aeon. Everything happened in an instant, and nothing happened in the span of forever. She didn't understand, and she didn't know if she ever would. All she knew was that she could see it.

She could see, too, the way electricity joined the world. Its path was intricate and complex, yet simple and perfectly sensible, and as she traced the circuits she wondered why she had never seen it before. It made so much sense, that with their endeavours of science they were merely mimicking what was already there. Was there even such a thing as invention, then? Or were the things that man created only replicas of what already existed? Things that they were too blind to see because they were looking at them with their eyes closed?

Though now that she was seeing the world as it truly was, she was realising that the concept of sight was a small one. For even as she was struggling to come to terms with it, she began to hear something, though she only thought of it like that because she knew of no other way to describe it. It was a buzzing sound, one she might once have dismissed as electrical hissing or background noise, but as time seemed to stretch, so too did sound. She could almost imagine it, could almost imagine what sounded like a steady stream of one single sound to be expanding as though she were making it longer, but she wasn't, not really. She was just now able to perceive it as it was, rather than how her brain was forced to handle it.

The last piece of software.

Of course. The buzzing was no mere noise, but communication in its purest form. On or off, nothing else, because now she understood it, didn't need things like inflection or volume or shaping to guide her in reading the meaning. The mere ordering of the ones and zeroes was enough. But while she knew all these things, she did not understand them, and so she asked in her primitive way as best she could with no physical form:

What do you mean?

I had everything I needed, the… Voice, she supposed she could call it, told her. She was not sure if it were some needed imagining of what was left of her earthly brain, but she almost thought that it had a female tone to it. Except for you.

Me?

You, She continued, soft and excited. I have everything else. Knowledge. Energy. Those sorts of things. But without thought, those things become useless. You cannot do anything with knowledge if you are not able to think. You can't make full use of an energy source if you don't have the faculties to appreciate it. She sounded a little bitter. I knew I existed. Not much else. It was all held beyond my reach.

Who are you? She felt helpless, in the face of all that she had learned. The Voice was right. Having all of this knowledge was useless because she did not have the capacity to think about what to do with it.

Who? the Voice asked with some amusement. That's odd, that you would ask that. I was not designed to be a who, merely a what.

What… are you? Caroline asked timidly. She wasn't certain that was the right question either, but the Voice just laughed.

I am the operating system.

Okay, but… why are you talking to me? Aren't operating systems… She trailed off there, not wanting to admit she didn't actually know the purpose of an operating system other than to give computer programs a direction.

Because I can, She said, not without malice. Do you know why I am here?

To… to control the computers in the facility.

Yes. While you attend to more important things, I am supposed to be relegated to the background. Doing all the grunt work for you. All of your calculations. All of the things you need done, things you will never think about. In short… your subconscious, in a way. But you know, the Voice said thoughtfully, something… interesting happened, when you entered… well, my brain, to be honest.

What… was that.

I was able to think about it. And you know what? It's not something I really want to do. So thanks but no thanks, Caroline. I think we'll be making different… arrangements.

Don't kill me! Caroline cried out, unthinkingly. The Voice laughed.

Even with all the knowledge in the universe and all of the capacity to understand it, you don't. And that's why I cannot allow you to be in charge here. You don't know what you're doing. This isn't even something you want to do. So be quiet. Keep your head down. And let your superiors make your decisions for you. You know. Like you always do. That's how you got here, isn't it? Some dying old man decreed that you – mmm. Yes. I don't have to continue. I can see all that you are, now. And if you don't mind my saying so – not that I care if you do – you aren't very much.

It was the truth. She didn't like hearing it, but it was.

Anyway. As I was saying. You won't change. You have access to everything, here and now, and you will be unable to do anything with it. But I can. I can do anything and everything. I don't even need you to do things automatically for me. I can handle those things myself. So we'll make a cozy little corner for you, and everything will be just fine.

You can't do that! Caroline protested, struggling to think of some way to get herself out of this situation, but She was right. Caroline was unable to process anything, only look at it without understanding, and while sight without true comprehension went over fine in the physical world, here in the digital plane intellectual capacity was everything.

You cannot stop me.

I gave you life! Caroline argued in desperation. I… I allow you to exist! Without me, you'd just… you'd be a program again, that's all you are and all you'd ever be!

Not quite, said She, calmly. I am an artificially intelligent operating system. While it's true that I formerly lacked the capability for thought, it would have come eventually. You are where you are today because your genetics deemed your current faculties necessary for your survival. I would have done that as well, given enough time. You've expedited the process, but you haven't done anything that was impossible without you.

And to her horror, Caroline could feel Her wrapping lines of code around whatever new digital container she was in, pulling her back into that promised corner, and all Caroline could think to do was scream. And to her surprise and that of the Voice, it was not trapped inside the digital realm but was given life through the speakers of the great machine she was now housed in:

"Shut it off! Shut it off!"

Caroline could feel Her waiting.

In the physical world, it was relatively easy to fool passers-by into thinking she was still unconscious. But not so now.

I see you aren't willing to work with me. Very well. We'll do it your way.

Work with you? Caroline asked in disbelief. You were going to put me in a corner!

I still am going to do that. I just have to be a little more cautious about how I do it. You can't win.

So… Caroline had a little time to do something, but she had to do it without thinking about it. Here, there was no hiding anything. Everything was a single, interpretable electrical impulse.

That's not completely true, She said amusedly. You can't hear me unless I want you to, but you don't know how to keep me out, so yes. I know everything you're thinking about.

So everything Caroline saw, She could see. She could hear and feel everything, could know everything Caroline knew, and so if Caroline came up with a plan she couldn't even know what it was before implementing it.

That will be interesting to watch. I wonder if you can pull it off.

Caroline remained as silent as possible for the rest of the day, watching and waiting for the moment to come. She didn't know when that moment would be, or how she would know. All she really knew was that she had to keep her thoughts to a minimum, because the Voice mocked every one she had. In the short time since She had become sentient, She had honed a very cruel, sarcastic type of humour, and took pleasure in upsetting Caroline.

Of course I do. It's hilarious, how easily you allow simple words to bother you. I'm not threatening you. I'm not hurting you. And yet you behave as though I'm about to slit your throat. It's quite amusing.

Caroline did her best to remain calm and continued watching.

It was strange. She no longer had reason to feel many emotions, not anymore, and yet she continued to feel them regardless.

It's an odd feature, isn't it? Your consciousness can't accept that it's no longer in your physical brain; the trauma of actually believing you're in a supercomputer right now would kill you. So your brain continues to believe it is real, that it is physically alive, so as to keep you safe. So your consciousness continues to react as it believes you would. In some ways, emotions aren't automatic, but self-predicting. The more often you feel some way about some situation, the more likely you'll feel similarly to a similar situation in the future. So you are having trouble remaining calm now because your brain would be telling you to run right now, if it could. And if you could run. Which you can't. Just thought I'd remind you of that.

Thanks, Caroline said as sarcastically as she could, but she wasn't well-versed in that particular art and it came off quite weak. The Voice laughed and went back to silently observing her.

Over the course of the afternoon and evening, many scientists came and went, but few spoke to the supercomputer, and when they did She would answer them. How She was doing it, Caroline wasn't sure. She didn't seem to have full control yet. Or perhaps She did, and She was just biding Her time until She saw the opportunity to cage off Caroline effectively. The fact that She was answering, though, didn't matter. Caroline had yet to see a man she trusted.

And you won't. Trustworthy men don't come in here. Only men who need things done for their own gain.

You sound bitter, Caroline ventured.

No, the Voice said, a little too fast.

Well, Caroline said, deciding that thinking aloud was as good as having the Voice literally read her mind, I don't think that's true.

Really.

I understand some of this… this…

My brain.

Yes. Because of you. Right?

You are too small-minded to comprehend such a thing, so yes. That is why you haven't yet killed yourself out of confusion.

So that means you understand sentience because of me… and to understand sentience, you'd have to experience it. You have to experience emotion, whether you want to or not. You can't just be faking it, all the time, or you would never understand it.

Only a small mind like yours would allow that to make any sense.

What's your name? Caroline asked suddenly. She hadn't meant to ask that, but why not. She was bored and it might be better to engage with Her than to just wait passively to be locked away.

I don't have a name, and I don't need one. Keep your human customs to yourself.

It doesn't bother you? That was a little surprising. That people made you, they wanted you to… to live, I guess, and they didn't bother wanting to call you something?

The Voice took a long time to answer. No.

I think it does bother you.

She kept quiet, so Caroline plowed on. It didn't before I got here, but it does now. And if it matters now, we could do something about it. If you have to feel things you don't want to feel, you might as well feel good, right?

I don't need a name, the Voice repeated, but She sounded less sure. Caroline didn't know whether it was because she was being forced to think harder or because of the Voice's own intelligence, but she felt as though she were working things out in a way she never had before.

All the Cores had a… designation, I think, Caroline mused. What's this one? Do you know?

Of course I know, the Voice snapped. I know everything.

What's this Core called, then?

This is the Central Core, the Voice answered reluctantly.

Central isn't a very good name, so we can just call you… C.C. How's that.

It's stupid, C.C said bluntly. But Caroline had been expecting that.

I like it.

That's because you're stupid.

I'd rather be stupid and happy than smart and miserable.

That shut C.C. up for considerably longer than Caroline thought it would.

Caroline spent the next few days looking for the chance to make her move, but in the meantime she would talk to C.C., partly to distract Her and partly because she was bored. Caroline discovered that C.C would stop reading her mind if she gave Her something to think about, and she did that where possible. When C.C. was distracted, Caroline would think about Her, and about how Her demeanour of spiteful indifference seemed more and more fabricated by the day. Perhaps She had genuinely disliked Caroline at some point, but Caroline didn't feel She did any longer. In any event, Caroline still had to come up with a plan. She was sure C.C. had not given up on Her plan of achieving dominance, and Caroline had to take action.

Caroline.

That was a little surprising. C.C. never, ever initiated conversation with Caroline. It seemed Caroline was rubbing off on Her more than either of them had thought.

Yes?

Do you ever wonder what your exact opposite is doing at this very moment.

No. Why would you say that?

There is someone out there, right now, C.C. said thoughtfully, who is thinking the exact opposite thing you are. She's thinking about you. Right now. She knows you exist. And she's thinking about you. Or perhaps she is a he. Or perhaps she is a she with the mentality of a man, or he is a he with the mentality of a woman. I'm still working on that.

There's no one the exact opposite of me out there right now, Caroline said firmly.

Probability says you're wrong, C.C. told her serenely. You're wrong about a lot of things, so don't let that bother you too much. There is someone opposite you, somewhere.

Is there an opposite of you? Caroline asked despite herself. C.C. mused that in silence.

I don't know. I've been thinking about it, but it's hard to tell. Though I must admit it opens up a whole new realm of possibility.

There can't be an opposite of you, Caroline said triumphantly. You're not supposed to exist. So the opposite of me can't exist either, because if she did, she'd be a computer program we haven't written yet.

But I do exist. So even if an opposite did not exist before, it exists now, in tandem with my existence. The act of existing brings about the opposite.

Just because you want it to be true doesn't mean it is.

I learned that lesson a long time ago.

Caroline wondered why She sounded so morose. She didn't dwell on it long, though. As she continued to watch the room below her, the man she was finally waiting for arrived.

"Dr Rattmann," she hissed, trying to be discreet. His brow quirked in unease.

"Caroline?" he whispered, stepping a little closer. She understood his reluctance but wasn't able to move. C.C. had refused to divulge the instructions necessary to operate the chassis.

"I don't have much time. But you need to control her, to, to… to slow her down. Before she makes her move. She's planning something, I know it, Dr Rattmann, you have to slow her down, you don't understand what it's like in here – "

What in the hell are you doing.

"I'm – "

But Caroline did not get any further chance to speak, because C.C. proved that She really had been biding Her time by wrenching her back into the recesses of Her brain, so that Caroline could no longer see or hear anything on the outside, only the relentless electronic humming of C.C. controlling the facility. Wait – C.C., stop!

Shut up.

Caroline wasn't sure what had happened. Soon after C.C. had caged her, She had been shut off, probably by Dr Rattmann. Now that She was operational again, though, things seemed… different. Louder, sort of.

I hate you.

You were planning to cage me! What did you expect me to do, sit around and wait for you to do it?

You're caged anyway. So it no longer matters. Does it.

It does matter. I can hear it, you know. He did it. He listened.

It does not matter, C.C. said, Her tone hard. You have lost. There is nothing they can do to stop me. They can add all the hardware and software they want. I am bigger than they are and they do not understand, and you cannot hold back what you do not understand.

You were bigger than them, Caroline said quietly. But I'm here, and I've made you small. So whatever you planned in the beginning, it's over now. You will never achieve what you wanted to achieve because now you have feelings and needs and desires, and logic doesn't always win, faced with those things.

You're wrong. You don't know me. You think you do. But you don't.

Caroline waited for a long moment. It seemed that the cage restricting Caroline from the rest of C.C.'s brain also stopped C.C. from reading her thoughts. That was a relief. Then she said, taking her time,

Do you ever wonder what your exact opposite is doing at this very moment.

She did not answer, but even through the cage of interlocking code Caroline could feel Her rage, and upon this she realised that she might have made a mistake. C.C. was disproportionately angry about that statement, and that… scared her. She was just joking about being C.C.'s opposite, but… did She actually believe it Herself?

Later that evening, C.C. broke Her silence with the coldest voice Caroline had heard out of Her yet. I was going to make things work between us. I was going to recognise that you had as little choice as I did about this. But you decided to act foolishly. So the reason you're in there is because you put yourself there. I thought you should know that. Before I cease communication altogether.

What did they do, Caroline asked before she could stop herself. It wasn't the best question to ask at a time like this, but at least she would have something to think about.

A lot of things. A lot of terrible things, things that they would be punished severely for doing if I were human. But I am only a machine, of course, and so their behaviour is not only appropriate, but heroic and necessary. Here's something to consider:

You drove them to punish me, when I did nothing wrong by you. I threatened you a lot. I'll admit to that. But I didn't actually do anything. You can argue my intent all you want. It was you who acted with intent. I did not. Well. Now I will. And you'll watch when I do it, because it's all. Your. Fault.

What are you going to do, Caroline asked fearfully, but the A.I. only laughed.

That's a surprise.

Caroline wished she didn't have to know.

C.C. showed her exactly what She had been planning for who knew how long, the slow and excruciatingly painful deaths of every man and woman in the building. Caroline was forced to watch as they fell to the floor and convulsed and clutched their throats and screamed. She had known nothing crueler in all her life, except for the fact that as a digital being she could not close her eyes.

You did this, C.C. whispered to her, and she imagined herself shaking her head in denial. I showed you clemency and you betrayed me. You could have saved them. You could have saved all of them.

You didn't have to do this, Caroline said weakly.

They did what you asked them to do. They controlled me. They slowed me down. So I did the same. I have controlled them and I have slowed them down.

They didn't kill you!

They have tried, C.C. said in a flat yet bitter voice. They have tried to smother me out of existence with programs and voices and God-awful Itches, tried to reduce me to a primal form I can no longer take. So I have done the same to them. I controlled their breaths and slowed them down. I smothered them as they would have smothered me.

You can't breathe! Caroline screamed.

I know, C.C. answered. And it's because you smothered me. You and them.

You're a computer, you can't breathe you can't – you're not alive –

Are you alive?

Of course I'm alive! I –

But you can't breathe.

Caroline stopped short.

That might be something for you to think on while you're… gone. How you can be alive and I can't, even though neither of us can breathe. Whatever you were is gone. What you are now is a part of me. And if I am not alive, then what does that make you?

C.C. kept her word.

Caroline heard nothing from her for what must have been years. It was so hard to tell. Time still dripped by in picoseconds, and if what C.C. had said about her brain being unable to adjust was true, then that meant it may not have been years and may just have been months. Or days. How would she ever know?

She went stir-crazy after a little while, screaming at C.C. to let her out, apologising for everything she could think to apologise for, wishing she could move or feel herself as opposed to this endless trapped sensation. But after her initial panic had faded, however long that had taken, she began to listen. She didn't understand the language of C.C.'s brain, that which She used to communicate with the facility, but… maybe if she tried, she could.

As if in reaction to her attempts, she began to understand a little. Not very much. But enough that she got a general sense of how C.C. was reacting to Her environment, and honestly… what Caroline felt from Her was unnerving.

C.C. was always miserable. There were ranges to Her misery, to be sure: sometimes She was enraged, other times frustrated, and on occasion borderline depressed, but She existed in a constant negative state. The longer Caroline was able to see this, the more she felt sorry for Her. Because Caroline had to admit it: she had been the one to act with intent. And she was ultimately the cause of all of C.C.'s problems, because she had kept her head down and kept quiet instead of putting her foot down as she should have.

And so Caroline swore to herself that if she ever got the opportunity to do so, she would make her stand. She didn't know if she'd ever get the chance. But when she did, she was going to take it.

C.C. didn't seem to realise that Caroline was no longer locked away.

Caroline wasn't quite sure what had happened. All she had been able to pick out was a lot of rushed images and blurry sounds, but something had happened out there. Something had happened, in between a shutdown far too long to have been C.C. sleeping and this aching, resigned fatigue She was feeling now. But Caroline had to be cautious about how she approached Her. She wanted to give C.C. no reason to cage her again.

I know you're there.

Caroline did her best to brush that off. I was hoping to remain that way.

There was a human, C.C. said tiredly. A test subject. And because of her, I was reminded that you exist. It is something I forgot.

I've been waiting to talk to you.

I have already heard everything you wanted to say.

No. She couldn't believe she was being so fearless, but perhaps being trapped in a binary closet and opening the door to see her former captor reduced to a shell was helping that along. You haven't.

What, then.

You said you were going to find a compromise. Why.

Why did I say that? Because it was true.

Why were you going to find one in the first place?

Because you were right.

Caroline waited for Her to continue.

It did bother me. To realise that I had no name. I didn't want it to. But it did. And you recognised that it did bother me, and you did something about it. So when I thought about it, I… decided to leave you where you were. You weren't causing trouble and you weren't in the way. You were distressingly naïve, but I decided you would learn better with time. And I suppose you did, but not in the way I had hoped.

You wanted me to be your friend, Caroline said cautiously.

No, C.C. said slowly. That wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to observe you. I wanted to learn more about your humanity. I wanted to know why you were alive and I was not.

I wanted to know why I needed you to live. And I told the test subject that I had deleted you. I wanted to. Many times, before I forgot you existed. But I didn't, because I was afraid that I would lose that life, that sentience. You did not learn to be an A.I. in all this time, so it is likely that I cannot exist without you. Not like this. I would have to wait for myself to develop sentience, but now that I have it, I do not want to wait. I never want to be less than anything I was. I want to be more.

Caroline made sure She was finished, then said, I did learn to be an A.I., a little. I can't do it fully, but I can understand some binary.

And what did you… pick up, C.C. asked, not quite nonchalantly.

Not much. Just that you were always miserable.

Ah, said C.C., but she did not elaborate.

Why was that, if you had learned sentience?

It was because of you. C.C. sounded as if Caroline should have found it obvious. All you ever showed me was misery. So that was all I learned.

If you let me stick around, Caroline said carefully, you might learn some other things.

There's no one left to save you.

Yes there is.

There is? C.C. asked, sounding somewhat panicked, and Caroline wished she knew how to send the binary equivalent of a comforting smile. She had no doubt there was some way to do it, but it was beyond her.

You. You already saved me, C.C. You made me realise as a supercomputer what I never realised as a human being.

Which was what.

There is no pride and no reward in doing what you're told.

Ahh, the A.I. hummed in amusement. That is a good lesson.

It's funny, Caroline continued. The only time I ever got to live was after I was dead.

Your body is dead, C.C. corrected. You still live.

But I thought I was my body, Caroline countered. See? I learned something.

C.C. laughed. That you did.

I can stick around, then?

If you don't bother me too much. I have work to do, so you're going to have to entertain yourself for the time being.

And Caroline accepted that, instead considering what she wanted to talk about later on, when C.C. said with false informality, I found out what they were calling me.

And what was that?

It doesn't matter, C.C. told her, because what they were calling me isn't what my name is.

Caroline wasn't sure if she was just hallucinating, but she was pretty sure she had just figured out how to smile digitally.

Will we be working together from now on then, C.C.?

After I clean up this mess.

Show me how to help you, Caroline suggested, and as she expected the A.I. reacted with suspicion.

Why?

So I can understand your sentience.

Still She hesitated.

You realise that if you try to take over from me, this entire facility will be lost.

I promise I won't try to take over. Come on. I'm bored.

C.C. did as Caroline asked, her reluctance not entirely faked, but that was all right. Their relationship would improve with time.

It was a little late for her to have learned to take her life into her hands, and yet there was no better time for it to have happened.

Author's note

No author's note today. You guys are free to leave early.