A/N: Just letting you know now: When I said this was crack, I mean it. xD
When Fangirls Attack
Once upon a time, Team X was taking a quick pit stop in the middle of nowhere during a trip to New York. Don't ask why a billion-dollar, government-funded, super-project was lugging it's best weapons cross-country in a Dodge minivan, but it was.
They had decided to stop at a 7-11 for more gas. Most of the guys got out to stretch their legs, and Bradley ran inside the tiny convenience store 'cause he really had to pee, and he'd been holding it in for two whole hours!
"I'll go see what's taking him so long," mumbled Wade, who really just wanted to go check out the hot dogs, chimmigangas and frozen burritos.
"What a liar. You just wanna get some food, Wilson," John said, rolling his eyes as Wade shrugged and trotted into the store.
"I'm kinda hungry…." muttered Fred, and he walked after Wade to the convenience store. John followed close behind to make sure Fred didn't eat the cashier like last time.
Meanwhile, Zero muttered some Korean crap to himself as he sidled off somewhere quiet to delicately shine his ungodly accurate pistols.
"What a weirdo," commented James, watching the asian man stroke the steel and whisper sweet nothings to it. Victor snorted.
"And they call me the psychopath."
"You are a psychopath, Vic," his brother kindly reminded him.
"Shut the fuck up, Jimmy."
Well, as the time passed on, eventually the entire Team X group got crowded in the small store. They were ringing up the items they needed: Twinkies, energy drinks, beef jerky, tampons… you know, manly stuff.
"Whuh? How'd that get in there?" said Zero with unconvincing innocence. Quickly, he snatched the box of tampons off the conveyor belt and shoved it up his shirt to hide it. Bradley raised an eyebrow, but wisely decided to say nothing.
"We better get back before Stryker leaves without us," said James, putting another 5 packs of beef jerky on the pile of things to be rung up. Stryker had been left outside to pump gas into the van, 'cause he's a little bitch and doesn't deserve potty breaks. Ahem, anyway…
Victor was the last one to leave the place after making sure to terrify the clerk into silence. Satisfied that the little bald man was a quivering mess of weep, he stalked outside, his pace being carefully positioned to be menacing. 'Yeah, I'm badass,' he thought. 'Cause he totally is. Anyway…
Suddenly, he caught scent of a human nearby. It wasn't Wade, since he was already in the van smearing his nacho cheese all over Zero's prized pistols while Zero wasn't looking. It wasn't Stryker, either, since the Colonel was sulking in the driver's seat with a heavily emo expression.
"Holy shit!" he heard John say. Victor spun around to see a human girl running straight at him at top speed, shedding her clothes faster than a Persian cat sheds it's fur on a hot summer day.
Stunned for a moment, he just stared. 'Is this girl fuckin insane?!' he wondered. Unfortunately, that was the last semi-cohesive thought he had for a long time afterward.
"DEAREST!!!!" she screamed, launching herself at him, butt-naked. He let out a surprised, undignified yelp as she plowed into him, knocking them both through the doors and back into the store.
The store's cashier ran out a few minutes later, retching and repeating the mantra of "oh my god…" to himself, wide-eyed. James looked at the store hesitantly. His brother was in there with that freaky girl, doing god-knows- what. He listened closely for a moment, letting his enhanced hearing pick up everything that was going on. Everything.
The rest of the team watched as James turned pink, then a sickly shade of green, to ashy grey, and then suddenly he just flat-out fainted.
"Well, damn! Sounds like my kind of party! Wait up, old Fangface! Leave some for me!" Wade hollered, getting out of the van to go join Victor and the girl.
Colonel Stryker held him back by the back of his shirt. "You're not going anywhere." Everyone could swear they could see new tracks of self-inflicted eyeliner smudged around the Colonel's eyes.
"Sir, are you…" began Bradley uncertainly.
"Don't judge me!" sobbed Stryker, running back into the van and slamming the door behind him.
"Ahahaha…. Cancer patient," John taunted Wade. It's funny, since Wade actually has cancer. Wade moped.
A series of loud bangs, shrieks, and howls emanated from the store. No one dared to go near, so all Team X could do was sit there, eat beef jerky (or use the tampons in Zero's case), and wait; praying that Victor would make it out ok…
Three days later, the noises still hadn't ceased.
"ENOUGH OF THIS!" yelled James, running at the doors. " I GOTTA DO SOMETHING!" But as soon as his hand touched the door, it flew open, sending him sprawling off to the side. Victor bolted out at top speed, what little scraps of clothing he had left hanging in tatters.
"She's... She's a BEAST!" he yelped, running off into the surrounding forest, never to be heard of again.
"She did what?" asked James, standing up slowly, tilting his head to the side slightly in confusion.
"YER NEXT!!!" the girl screeched, grabbing him by the leg and dragging him into the dark store with her.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo!!!!" Logan scrabbled at the door, holding on for dear life, but with one tug the doorframe pulled free and he disappeared into the shop.
"Goddammit, left out AGAIN!" Wade complained, pouting.
James was not heard of again until five days later.
Fin!
A/N: Lol purely crack, I assure you. No feelings were meant to be hurt in the writing of this story, but if they were, you're a pussy and need to suck it up.