a/n: The two japanese phrases used are はい (which means yes) and 進んでもよろしいですか
(susunndeyoroshiidesuka) (which means 'may I continue/proceed' very politely). Raleigh knows Japanese, right?
Mako was an orphan.
She was an orphan, for about thirty-four minutes in Kaiju territory, screaming for her mother and then hiding behind a dumpster. She was scared then – as scared as she's ever been and ever going to be, and for as long as Stacker was alive she had thought that piloting a Jaeger was going to make her stronger, protect her; it was going to take away the fear of dying.
Drifting with Raleigh, though.
The man was all fear and loneliness, much less than the hollow of a man but much much more than just a wandering soul begrudgingly pulled back into something that took away his whole life. She felt it – the pain that takes her breath away as Yancy is ripped from the hull and the cold air in the damage's wake hits her like a hammer, and Mako can feel herself freeze up inside her suit and she is screaming and reaching for him and she can feel the drivesuit searing into her skin as the pain is suddenly intensified into something so much worse but she's still reaching and then there was the roar of the Kaiju –
But the memories are gone as soon as she sees them and when she catches Raleigh's gaze after their drift he knows that she's seen it, and Mako could feel nothing but respect for Raleigh. It would never be sympathy or love – it was not recuperation Raleigh needed; it was closure. When they were batting down the hatches against a Kaiju Mako could feel the chaos – and she was dimly aware that the anger inside Raleigh outweighed hers, even though it was just a simmering surface that enclosed something much worse. But she was also aware of how much control Raleigh had over that darker part of him, and she trusted him to never chase the rabbit – not like how she had.
When she woke up in the escape pod and she managed to break free, the sea all around her felt like a deafening silence, even though the waves were close to crashing against the rocking pod and the water splashed high enough to nestle in her hair. She sits up to get a better look and where was Raleigh, and she could hear Herc and Tendo arguing about the location of the second pod and no.
Then there's the sound of the something else breaking the surface of the water. Her first thought was Kaiju as her throat closed up from instinctive fear of being out in the open but it's much smaller, and she turned to see Raleigh's pod bob above the waves. It was like she felt like she could breathe properly again.
She dived in the water and the cold was reminiscent of the cold air and Yancy no but she concentrated on each stroke and the sting in her eyes and managed to crack open his pod and climb aboard. When she couldn't feel a pulse it was like the pain was hammering her inside now, and the ache of losing someone so close to her was a throbbing presence that shook her, although that could've been from the cold, and although Stacker raised her, she had never once drifted with anyone else. Raleigh knew her better than she knew herself, they were one, and it couldn't be over now.
She was an orphan once again.
"I can't find a pulse. I don't think he's breathing." And she's aware of how calm and steady she sounds, and that's why she's surprised at the wavering and vulnerable tone of her voice as she says – "Raleigh?"
It's all she can do – pull him halfway out of his pod to try and hold him as tight as she could with all the Jaeger gear between them two, clutching at him in a desperate hug because no you can't die not now not when we've won Raleigh we've won and she starts to cry and tremble and she hates it she hates it it's not right and not fair but she cries and cries and cries because that's all she can do as she realizes she's rocking in the same way as the waves –
"You're squeezing me too tight." She freezes and doubts her sanity for a split second before she pulls back and looks at him and he's grinning like a loon, and she doesn't know how to move anymore but the waves rock on – "I couldn't breathe." Then it's like all she knows is how to laugh and she doesn't know whether to punch him or hug him again as she regains mobility of her limbs.
They're dimly aware of Tendo telling them the chopper are on their way just – and they don't know how it happened, but their hands were right there and Mako takes his as if to make sure he doesn't float away again, and Raleigh squeezes her hand as she does so and smiles. She chokes out a quiet laugh and leans in to press their foreheads together and she can't stop smiling.
And that's when it happens.
It's like a small jolt of electricity, but not intense enough to make her jump or react in anyway – it was a pleasant current, like new life was coursing through her and Raleigh's forehead was warm; alive. She can hear him breathing and the warmth is coming in pulses in tandem with the breaths, and after a few seconds she realizes that it's because they're touching. When they spar, the hits are too quick, and both of them too skilled to be pinned down, and there may have been this energy; they may have grazed, but – as Mako belatedly realized – this was the first time they've touched, skin on skin.
And it was like fire.
Since then, Mako's been craving it. It was the drift, she thinks; concludes. It's logical – neurological handshakes broken during the first stasis can often cause side-effects. Although not well documented, it was plausible – her body has catalogued it into a physical trauma that triggers a reaction whenever the other catalyst is present. Hence, whenever she and Raleigh touched skin on skin, there was that wealth of pure energy, and Mako craved it.
That's why one day after lunch – maybe it was a Saturday, everybody was particularly hazy as they lazed around, not sure of what to do now that the war's over – and she followed Raleigh to where they deposit their rubbish and trays.
"Raleigh, can you come with me?" She asks as she sets her tray down on the pile, right next to him. It was quiet, although no one else would be listening in – maybe she was hoping chance would make him deaf to her question. But instead he perks up, turning and realizing his partner had been ghosting him for the past minute.
"Uhm, yeah sure. Why?" He says, and there's that small smile that's always tainted with confusion. She's not sure Raleigh's quite settled in yet; still. She offers her hand, and immediately regrets it – Raleigh's not a child, they're basically the same age – he was two years and three months older, to be exact. She'd seen his file.
But Raleigh doesn't hesitate, and he maintains the curious eye contact as he slides his over-worked hand into hers. His hands are obviously larger, and they're slightly calloused where there's evidence of a hard life – a life well earned through physical work. The kind of work that drives the stress out of your body, until all you can do at the end of the day is flop down on your bed and wait for the sun to rise.
Mako briefly wonders if Raleigh's ever stood at the top of the wall, this exact calloused hand on a beam, and thought about letting go. The energy's a dull throb, not at all exciting like the first time. She'd guessed why – there had to be a stimulus. Last time they'd just won the war, and both had miraculously survived. There was nothing remotely exciting happening this time.
But she had to change that.
She leads the way, and in the lift Raleigh stands behind her, as if he knows she's just going to lead the way again when the doors open. It's nowhere special – she leads him into her room, and there's a small pull of hesitation as he realizes where he's going. Mako doesn't falter though, and continues until Raleigh's inside and she shuts the door behind them.
"Sit down, please." She says, and Raleigh looks around, unsure as to what to touch. Mako pulls up a chair and gestures to it, and he sits; settles into the almost metal feel of it. Mako locks the door and the heavy metal contraption obliges with a long groan and then a muffled click – no one around the Shutterdome ever had much reason to lock their rooms.
Raleigh sits like he usually does – his hands are in his lap and his legs are slightly open. His stance is easy and relaxed; trusting. Mako approaches him slowly, as if giving him time to run away – from what?
As she stops between Raleigh's legs, he adjusts a little to accommodate for her, almost subconsciously – because his eyes have never left hers the entire time. There'd been doubt, and mostly confusion there, but not one flicker of fear. Whatever Mako was going to do, Raleigh was going to let her.
Mako's hands come up, slow, barely grazing Raleigh's shirt as they come to rest on his shoulders. He's warm under her palms, even through the fabric of the shirt, and very very real. When they're drifting, Mako's cold, and the memories are cold, and they wash past her like the cold waves of the ocean that Gypsy stands in. But Raleigh's definitely here, warm and present under her, and still willing her to continue.
It's okay, you can do this.
He didn't need to say it to her, no need to consent. Raleigh could stop her if he wanted to, but his hands hadn't left his lap. The first kiss is pressed gently to Raleigh's forehead, and Raleigh's eyes close as Mako kisses him chastely there. She'd seen this, in the drift; perhaps Raleigh's mother. The same was done to Yancy; they were still boys, then. Mama used to kiss her like this too – she felt a small almost spark under her lips, almost indistinctive from Raleigh's regular body heat.
"進んでもよろしいですか?" Mako asks, and she hears Raleigh's breath just a little bit unsteady as he answers – "はい."
Mako moves down, her lips ghosting over Raleigh's skin, and her nose nuzzles into the space between jaw and neck. She presses a kiss there and Raleigh stiffens – he knows she'd seen it. They were still boys then – orphan boys, lonely boys, and Raleigh had sought comfort in an older figure. Yancy had been there for him; he had taken care of Raleigh. Mako kisses that spot again and Raleigh instinctively relaxes against her. "It's okay." She murmurs, and Raleigh doesn't answer. "進んでもよろしいですか?" She asks. Raleigh shakily exhales and this time it's audible. His answer was breathy.
"はい."
Mako's fingers are hovering just above the lowest parts of Raleigh's shirt, the crumpled material pooling in his lap. Her fingers touch his and there's a mutual decision as Mako lifts the shirt over Raleigh's head, and Raleigh pulls it off, throws it in the vague direction of Mako's bed.
This time it's more intimate.
Mako gently mouths down along Raleigh's collarbones, and they hollow at the contact as Raleigh gasps. Her hands trail along in her wake, sometimes before where her tongue skates, and once or twice Raleigh instinctively bucks, and then immediately apologises.
By the time Mako gets low enough to hook a finger into the waist band of Raleigh's pants, Raleigh's breathing is audible, and Mako takes that as an encouraging sign. She undoes his pants and gets them somewhat off ridiculously efficiently and quickly, and Raleigh's just past half hard, which isn't disparaging. By the time this change has reached Raleigh's brain, Mako's already wrapping fingers around the base and working it to full.
"Ma-ah fuck." Raleigh gasps and then groans, his head falling back with a breathy sigh. He continues to swear as Mako runs her tongue along the slit, and yes, there it is.
The energy buzzes through her, and it's amazing, how many sensations are going on at the same time. Mako knew what she was doing – she'd seen past girlfriends do it in the drift. Past girlfriend.
There had only ever been one woman, actually, and Mako was pretty sure she wasn't alive anymore. But she'd seen her do just this, and it was like she was close enough to touch, to touch the woman blowing Raleigh, and she can't tell if the moaning is real right now or if she's drifting again, and she's waiting for the scene to shift to a different memory.
It's like she and the woman are one, and she's licking and sucking, and Raleigh's making honest noises now, hips occasionally jerking when she does this and stuttering when she does that, and the energy's getting stronger, hotter. Mako pumps him twice, quick and hard, and presses her teeth gently against the rim of the head as she presses her tongue against the slit – just like in the drift.
The come was a surprise though.
Mako chokes – just slightly as the first pulse coats her tongue and wants to pulse further; she herself was a virgin. Having been raised by Stacker, she'd never gotten the opportunity to do anything recreational, and she's surprised by the taste. But all these were just trivial facts numbed by the sensation of the power flowing through her right now – it was magnificent, and all the colours were exploding behind her eyes. It was warm, and familiar, and strikingly roaring at the same time, and when Raleigh comes to seconds or minutes later, Mako's still buzzing with it, and she raises one of her hands to wipe her mouth, where some of the come's dribbled out.
"Did you feel that?" Raleigh asks, and his voice is lower, his eyes hooded. Mako smiles and nods.
"はい."
"Is that why …"
"はい."
Raleigh's laugh is a little disbelieving, but at the same time he's too sated to do anything but chuckle. Mako doesn't respond in like and Raleigh quickly reads the confusion in her eyes. He leans forwards and puts a palm around the nape of her neck to pull her in and press their lips together.
The energy was very much present, but it didn't scorch her mouth like before – it was slow burn, and every touch of Raleigh's tongue was like a hot spear of pleasure. Raleigh kept it short – Mako had never been kissed before and didn't much know what was going on. He would teach her though, later.
"Next time, you can just do that, okay?" He says and smiles and it's the half lopsided smile she's so fond of. "Unless you want to."
Mako smiles back and the movement awakens the buzz of energy inside her again.
"はい."