Where Were You?

Disclaimer: I don't own any you recgonize.

Spoilers: Mostly GG3

"Where were you aunt Abby?"

"Dad died and you weren't there."

"He died and you didn't even come to the funeral.

"Dad died, and ever since then you've been a ghost."

"Why weren't you there when we needed you?"

"Haven't you learned yet Cam?"

"There are some things you don't want to know."

All night I tossed and turned in bed, thinking about that conversation. Thinking about how the only two times I had ever felt that guilty and that were when Matthew died and when I saw the look in Cammie's eyes.

I got out of bed and made my way to the B.E barn.

"Are you punishing the bag or is the bag punishing you?" The unmistakable voice asked after I had been in there for about an hour.

"Go away, I'm really not in the mood for your wise cracking jokes right now." I grunted

"Abbs, you're not even wearing gloves, your knuckles are bleeding and it's almost one o'clock in the morning. So, I am not leaving." He told me as he blocked the punching bag.

Knowing that there was no way he would leave I sighed. "Fine, but can we go somewhere else."

We walked to my room in silence. I sat on my bed and he sat beside me.

"I'm just so tired." I confessed

"Of what," he asked, clearly confused.

"I'm just so tired of the lies, the secrets, the shame, the guilt." I droned on.

I interrupted him before he said anything. I get it, we have to do this. I mean it comes with our jobs but I'm sick of having to look at Rachel and Cammie with guilt."

It was his turn to sigh. "This is about Matthew."

"Of course it's about Matthew." I said angrily.

My outburst didn't faze him. "What brought this on?"

"She asked me where I was when she and Rachel need me most, why I didn't go to the funeral. She asked me why I've been a ghost all these years, Joe." My voice cracked.

"Abby, we all carry guilt." He told me softly.

"We all carry guilt." I mimicked bitterly and before he could defend himself I went on.

"We all carry guilt. Do you know where I was while they mourned my brother in law, my sister's husband, and my niece's father? I was on an undercover operation in Singapore trying to forget everything, trying to take away the pain." I ranted

"Abby, listen to me." He said but I didn't.

"She looked so hurt, so broken. I caused that, Joe." My eyes were filled with grief and I exhaled deeply.

"Abigail, listen to me." He said, this time more forcefully.

"Not a day goes by where I don't think about the things I should've done differently, the things that I could've changed. I blame myself, as much as you blame yourself for Matthew's death. In the end Matthew made his choices, his decisions. He knew what he doing, what he was getting himself into. He knew the risks and the dangers." Joe stated factually.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I know but Joe, Rachel's without a husband and Cammie's without a father and I'm without a brother in law. I know how irrational and unfair it is but I can't help feeling responsible. Maybe if I would've helped him, maybe if I would've done something."

"How do you think I feel?" His voice was barely above a whisper and I could see that he was using all of his strength to not let tears escape.

"The look on her face when we were in the train was unbearable, Joe. I had to turn around. She doesn't deserve this, any of it." I was on the verge of breaking.

"Sometimes, bad things happen to good people, Abigail." He said even softer than before and without looking at him I knew that he lost the battle of keeping his tears at bay.

That was my undoing and I completely let go. He wrapped his arms around me and I leaned into his embrace. When I shook uncontrollably, he held me tighter. Hearing his breathing made me realize that I wasn't in this alone, that maybe just maybe, this wasn't entirely my fault. After listening to the thump of his heart for a few minutes, I finally fell into a dreamless sleep, knowing that my troubles would still be there when I woke up but they'd be weaker because I'd be stronger.

A.N I know, I know I should be working on 'Someone's Got Memories' but this idea just came to me at one in the morning. This isn't Beta'd and maybe a litte OOC but I figured I might as well post it. Thanks for reading and please review.