White Sheets
A/N: This is my first attempt at a slash that I don't believe in. I like Kyle sure, and he's gay, but the way people write anything with Ephram in slash is usually ludicrous. I don't deviate from the idea he loved Amy, everyone else says Ephram always knew he was gay. So it might not be good since I don't adore this slash pairing.
Disclaimer: This is a Lauren Hoffman song… that I don't own, and I wish I owned Ephram but I don't.
White sheets, I can't believe I'm still asleep,
Still beneath
He's come to rest, head and heart, he's on my
Chest, he falls so hard.
I still can't believe I crossed a line I said I'd never crossed. I hated Matt for sleeping with his student and now this. With Kyle, a boy, of all people. He's vulnerable, falls right into me. He needed someone or something to comfort him. Coming out, moving away, all at once. I'm his best friend. I stared at the boy laying his head on my chest. I wondered how long his feelings had been pent up, stuck inside of him. I admired his dark and defined eyebrows and how soft they looked in his sleep. I've calmed him, body and heart, and he no longer looks as scared as he has the past few weeks. His outbursts and longer than normal glances are laid out before me now, to pick apart, decipher, sift through, and maybe if I'm unlucky, to drown in.
I'm crushed it's what I asked for: some kind of
Weight to hold me down
I'm lost I'm in his mouth, cradled by his sounds…
Boys are a new territory for me, not unwelcome, not unexpected, but different. Different warmth as he kisses me, not as slimy, more heated. I wonder if it means I'm gay or just turned on by him. In his mouth I feel less of the fact that there's spit and germs that make a film where the kisses fall. It just feels good. It could simply be that I've needed someone to want me for a while. I've needed someone to take me into them, unbridled, sinking into desire. Maybe he's convenient but it works. His weight is something to hold on to in the dark night as he's wrapped around me like a child. He is a child. This realization draws up acid in my stomach, burning me as punishment. I leap from my bed and run to the bathroom. I dry heave and lose the feeling he gave as he was in me, moving with me. I lose the heat, the pain, the mixture that creates passion.
Soft light, a perfect dawn, a moment held a
Moment gone
And all day this will be my secret place where
I can taste him
He awakes as I'm getting dressed. The light barely fading in through the windows, cloudless sky uninhibiting. Last night is gone, over, I've basked and now it's time to move on. "Are you leaving?" He asks huskily, panic cracking at the edge of his voice.
"For a while," I say, I'm putting on my belt ready to reach for my shirt. Kyle gets up and moves towards me.
"But I thought," Kyle said, pulling me towards him by my belt. I pushed him away, it stung.
"I know what you think, I don't know what I think," I say harshly. He looks up at me hurt. He's so fragile and I can't believe I'm doing this after he put himself out there.
"Oh so you're going to be like that now? After last night, you're going to walk away," His voice begins to rise with anger. "This is what causes your problems you know, running like this." He screams it at me with such conviction and I know he's right.
"You don't know anything about my problems," I growl defensively. I want to kiss him as his eyes fill with tears and the hurt tumbles from him in waves. I didn't mean what I said, and he's right, he's always fucking right. Instead of telling him this I walk out, shoving on my shirt as I storm away. I'll bask in it a while longer. See if this sits better with me later.
Long gone, it's what I asked for: some kind of
Space to float around and
Eyes wide, I am awake now, cursed by the freedom
That I've found
I walked to my favorite hotel, the one with a live pianist and a café in the lobby. I came in, sat down, and waited to be noticed. I mused to the pings of the piano all day. I fell into a trance. If I'd been in a bar like a typical teen I would've gathered a large amount of empty beer glasses around me. Instead I just had a stale and overly refilled mug of black coffee. It was all that was keeping me awake and going as the music lulled me into a daze and lack of sleep itched at my eyes. I remembered then how it'd all started. We'd finished settling Kyle into his room and we sat down on his bed. "I'm afraid," Kyle whispered after a few moments of silence. I put my arm around him in a buddy buddy way.
You'll be fine," I comforted. "You're one of the best players ever."
Kyle shook his head, "That's not it. I'm worried about this problem." He looked down at his hands and I became lost. I'd expected fear over moving but nothing else.
"What kind of problem?" I asked.
"A boy problem," He said. He was blushing and I wondered how he could have found someone already. He'd only been here two days. "I don't think you'd wanna hear though." He shrugged it off.
"No go on," I said, openly.
"I like someone," He started and stared at me, "And I don't want to leave them." My eyebrows scrunched, I didn't know what he meant. He'd never told me about a crush in Everwood.
As I sat there pondering absentmindedly I advised, "Tell him, show him, whatever, just let him know." Before I even knew it, Kyle was an inch away from me leaning in front of me, kissing me innocently. I was surprised, and my heart beat faster and a tingle went through me.
I stood up in the hotel as I imagined our first kiss again realizing he'd wanted it and still did and that I didn't want to stop whatever was happening with him. I needed to find him, fast.
I'll come when you least expect it,
Close your eyes you won't regret this
Love comes when you least expect it…
I knock on Kyle's door. As he opens it I see his eyes open in a startled owl-like way. I come in without being asked. I kiss him, hands holding onto his neck solidly. I know what I want they say. He melts into me, arms around my waist and he pulls back just to ask a simple question. "Are you going to leave again?" I stop kissing him and push him against me.
"No, and you're always right." It was cryptic, I wanted it to be mysterious, maybe then he'd forgive me. I was touching him everywhere as I leaned in to kiss him again. "No limits," I whispered, "I love you." I heard him gasp and felt him begin to cry; as he lifted my shirt I felt his tears on my chest.
Warm night, a silent breeze, and I'm up against
The wall
Strong hands and hips to hold me, still I'm afraid
That I will fall
We became lost in each other again. This time I had no thoughts of fear. I just felt. Felt his hips against me as he pushed into me, kissing hard on the mouth, nibbling my neck, making me gasp. I felt his frail frame and his ribs rippled under his stomach as he stretched up to me. I felt as he pushed me onto the bed. His aggression shocked me, as he undid my belt and helped me to push out of my pants. He trailed kisses down my stomach and I felt the butterflies leave. His kiss a sort of healing touch.
I did leave for Everwood again. Only after he told me he didn't need me there. He'd always understood that I had a life. One that didn't include him any longer and he let go graciously.
I'm crushed it's what I asked for: some kind of
Weight to hold me down
Eye's wide, I am awake now, cursed by the freedom
That I've found
Of course I still talk to Kyle. In fact for the first few weeks when I got back it was all I wanted. I think my dad found it strange and it was if you didn't know what had happened between us. I was not however that blessed. I cried for him at first, I missed his touch. Eventually it dwindled. The lust felt pointless and I talked to him less and less. Less heated calls filled with "I love you's" and imaginary kisses from miles apart. I will always love him but distance is a curse.
Amy and I are together again. It's not any different than it was with him. I still love her and we still have that passion Kyle and I had harnessed. Kyle will always be a secret, a sort of blessing and curse.
A/N: That was draining to write. Hope it was liked. It was a bit detailed and I was afraid of crossing a line at one point. I think that this is how it would have happened if it had. R/R sure you probably don't like that it ends like the show did… I just like to integrate my stuff into the story arcs in the show. Obviously this was for the week Ephram was gone… and ended after the show did.