AUTHOR'S NOTE: I do not own Bleach; I just like to have fun with it. I've struggled with this one. Not sure I like it, but I hope you do. It will be published in three chapters. Enjoy.

"We've got a runner!"

The guards had to give her credit - the fleeing woman was fast. She dashed across the courtyard like a hunted rabbit. With the guards of the eleventh in heated pursuit, she grabbed the nearest object to hide behind. Unfortunately for her, that object happened to be slender Kira Izuru, vice captain of the third and not a particularly good hiding place. He was accompanying his friend, Shuuhei Hisagi, vice captain of the ninth, on a mission to deliver an important sweets catalog to Captain Ukitake.

The girl cowered behind Kira, hiding as best she could from her own division members, ruddering him this way and that in order to keep him between herself and the guards. "Help me," she squeaked out in scarcely more than a whisper.

Kira glanced at Hisagi who shrugged, then turned to look at the terrified woman. He startled as he recognized her as a member of the eleventh under Ikkaku Madarame and Yumichika Ayasegawa. His surprised balk was all the opening the guards needed. Roughly shoving Kira aside, they grabbed the crying girl by the arms, dragging her back to the line.

"No respect for an officer," said a disgusted Hisagi as he grabbed his best friend's arm to help him keep his balance.

"I'm kind of used it, Shuuhei," said Kira gently, watching them cart her off, "but I wonder what could make a woman from the eleventh so fearful? They're tough as nails."

"Let's see, classical literature? Opera? Hair curlers? A shower?"

The other elbowed him in the side. "Be nice," Kira chided. He jerked his head in the retreating girl's direction. "Think we should investigate?"

Shuuhei scanned the area, narrowing his eyes at what he saw. While it was Vice Captain Hisagi's sworn duty to personally hand-deliver Captain Ukitake's favorite sweets catalog each month and he had never failed in that task, something about the odd scene before them made him temporarily set aside his sacred mission. Ikkaku Madarame, Yumichika Ayasegawa, a table covered with papers and a line of terrified women from the eleventh. What was wrong with this picture? He nodded to Kira. "Definitely."

"How many more, Ikkaku?" Yumichika massaged his fingers through his hair to ease away the massive headache that was threatening to explode in his brain. He was a naturally beautiful man, he made everyone say so, but this headache was going to turn his regular beauty nap into a necessity instead of the luxury that he had always considered it.

Rubbing his red-rimmed eyes, his bald partner glanced up from his paperwork. He watched for a moment as Yumi ran his fingers through his raven locks. Was it too much to ask for a little bit of hair so that he too could have something to massage? He sighed. "Too many. Kill me now."

Yumi turned a cynical eye towards the other. "Then who would kill me?"

"That's your problem."

"That's not very charitable of you." Taking a sip of water, Yumi considered their current situation. They were seated in the courtyard in front of their eleventh division headquarters at a table stacked with papers and forms. A line of brooding women from the eleventh stood before them, guarded fiercely by the male members of that division. After interrogating the women all day long in the hot afternoon sun, both men were at the end of their limited patience. "We could just wait and tell Kenpachi that we failed. Double homicides are so to die for this season," Yumi reasoned.

Ikkaku scowled. "Stop looking on the bright side. You know that annoys me." He motioned to the line of unhappy women, then crooked his index finger at the recaptured girl. "You're next, Sweetheart." She was pulled from the line and brought before the two soul reapers.

"You've got a lot of spunk, I'll give you that," said Yumichika, waving a pen at her. "As a matter of fact, you might be perfect. I think we found our girl. What do you think, Ikkaku?"

Before the other could speak, the girl's knees buckled beneath her, and she crumpled to the ground in an unconscious heap.

Yumi sighed, "Oh, dear. She had such promise."

Slapping the table in disgust, Ikkaku ordered, "Guards, take her away. Fainters aren't any good to us at all."

As if on cue, five other girls suddenly dropped to the ground in feint faints.

He stood and glowered at them over the table. "Fake ass girls. Since when do members of the eleventh faint? We're going to have to be tougher in our training, Yumi."

As Ikkaku sat down with a thud, Yumichika sighed again, "I suppose I should put those five out of their misery, Ikkaku. Do be a dear and lend me your sword. I don't want to have to clean a bloody Fuji Kujaku. He demands spa time, you know."

Ikkaku pouted, "I thought it was my turn to kill someone."

"I won't let you kill anyone other than me," Yumi fumed. "I'm bored and I'm miserable. If you won't kill me to put me out of my misery," he pointed towards the women on the ground, "then what makes you think that I'm going to trust you to kill them? If I can't be dead, then they can't be dead either, unless I get to be the one who kills them."

"I wasn't in the mood to kill you earlier, but I am now. Nag. Nag. Nag."

"That's insulting! I do not nag. I gently remind you over and over again about your inadequacies, one of which is that you don't have the balls to kill me when I ask you to."

"Hey, I asked you to kill me first!"

While they argued, the fainters, realizing that their ploy to escape a fate worse than death had merely brought death a lot closer, scrambled to their feet. The other women helped the five fakers blend back into the line. They moved quickly and the guards did nothing to stop them. No one wanted to see their division decimated because of a crazed fight between their third and fifth seats about who was going to kill whom first.

When Yumi finally glanced over towards where they had been, he saw only tamped down grass. "Oh, shut up, Ikkaku. We lost them. Now we don't know who to kill."

"Kill 'em all. They're useless to us," he declared. "None of them have what we're looking for." A huge sigh of relief and weeping rushed through the women. They all knew that being dead was a lot better than what had been planned for them.

"And what exactly is it that you're looking for?" asked Hisagi, stepping up from behind and whacking them both on the head with the rolled-up sweets catalog. He placed his lean body on the edge of the table as Kira wandered up to peer over Yumichika's shoulder.

Yumi swatted at both of them like flies. "None of your business! Can't you see we're busy? Unless you have sunscreen or a desire to kill me, go away."

Hisagi tapped his lower lip. "Hmm, tempting."

"Hisagi," scolded Kira.

He rolled his eyes at the blond, then turned back to the papers in front of Yumichika. "We're not leaving until you tell us what you're doing. Kira almost got mauled back there, no thanks to you." He snatched up the top paper in Yumi's pile and handed it to Kira.

"Give that back!" Yumi gave a half-hearted swipe at the papers, but he was too tired to really care. After five hours, it had become increasingly evident that Kenpachi had asked for the nigh impossible. Even worse, his delicate skin was starting to blister so he really should kill Hisagi for not bringing sunscreen.

The blond held the paper out of reach. "Shuuhei, listen to this! 'Application for Marriage …'"

"One of you wants to get married?" Hisagi laughed. "No wonder these girls are running."

"You are so not pretty," sneered Yumi.

Clearing his throat, Kira continued, "Application for Marriage to Kenpachi Zaraki. The applicant agrees to marry Kenpachi Zaraki and be the mother to Kenpachi's ward, Yachiru Kusajishi. The marriage is to be in name only, except for the rearing of Yachiru. Said chosen mother will provide training in the ladylike ways so that Yachiru might grow up to be feminine, charming and able to find her own husband with minimal force.'"

Hisagi's eyes opened wide. "So you two are out here forcing women to interview to be Kenpachi's wife?"

Kira raised his already impossibly high eyebrows. "Is this for real?"

Yumi looked a little stricken by the criticism. "Only the women from our squad. And we're not really looking for a wife. We're looking for a mother. Someone who can help Yachiru through her formative years. Kenpachi's not exactly up on the feminine hygiene products, you know."

Hisagi raked his hand through his hair. "Does Kenpachi know about this?"

Rubbing his brow with his middle finger, Ikkaku said, "It was his idea, bright boy. He felt the squad needed a strong mother figure." Hisagi growled, but let the gesture slide.

It was Yumi who explained. "Yachiru started asking some questions about growing up that make Kenpachi uncomfortable, so Kenpachi decided that we should find a mother for Yachiru, and of course, that means a bride for Kenpachi."

A smile curving onto his face, Kira chuckled, "So, how's the matchmaking from the depths of Hueco Mundo going for you?"

Yumichika's shoulders slumped. "Not so great," he admitted, tensing at Kira's comment. But he really couldn't disagree. The morning had been grueling, and half way through the afternoon, they were no closer to finding a mother for Yachiru than they had been. "These people are useless and we've interviewed all the seated officers on the sly, but not one of them fit the bill."

"Ruled them all out," nodded Ikkaku.

Hisagi looked at Kira who was re-reading the paperwork. "How'd you manage that?"

Yumi smiled with self-satisfaction. "We asked each one a hypothetical question and we assessed their answers. My idea, actually."

"I probably would have thought of it too," said Ikkaku, a bit too defensively.

"I'm sure you would have too, Ikkaku, given a clue and a lot more time," Yumichika gave him a quick pat on the head, wiping his hand off on Ikkaku's sleeve. "Sweat is so gauche, Ikkaku."

"So how did it go?" asked Hisagi.

Yumi fluttered his other hand in the air, waving it in dismissal. "Let's just say that I certainly wouldn't want any of those women to be the mother of my future children, all of whom will most certainly have their father's good looks."

"Of course," agreed Kira politely. "What did they say?"

Yumichika nodded at Kira's obvious good sense. "For starters, SoiFon said the best way to discipline a child is to be tough, beat some obedience into them and let them figure it out on their own."

"I liked her answer," defended Ikkaku, "but that's not what Kenpachi's looking for."

"Of course, you'd like it," said Hisagi, rolling his eyes. "It's violent."

"Too violent. I have to agree with Kenpachi," said Kira, crossing his arms. "Children need direction. Consistency. Discipline needs to be fair and age appropriate, don't you think, Hisagi?"

He shrugged. "What do I look like, her mother? We're talking about Yachiru here, not some normal kid."

Ikkaku grunted. "I still say harsh punishment never hurt anyone."

"Need I remind you that SoiFon was talking about solitary confinement for chewing with an open mouth?" said Yumichika.

"Oh, yeah, the whole 'if you can't chew correctly in polite company, then you need to be permanently removed from any and all company for an indefinite amount of time.'"

"Oh, honestly!" tsked Kira. "Polite talk breeds polite children. Yachiru's smart. You sit her down and talk to her, explain what she did wrong and why, and if she promises to never do it again, then you give her candy. That's how she'll learn, not this locking her away stuff."

Ikkaku shrugged. "Yeah, well, Soi Fon's out of the running, so it doesn't matter."

Hisagi asked, "Did you like any of the officers' answers?"

"Well, we did like Isane and Unahana's answers," said Yumi. "Both of them said that a sniffling child should immediately be removed from the home setting and put in the infirmary, under the care of the medics. Obviously, their concern is to get the child well as quickly as possible without the spread of germs."

"Sounds good to me," shrugged Hisagi.

Kira huffed indignantly. "You'd make a horrible mother, Shuuhei. In a hospital setting for a case of sniffles? Ridiculous!" He tsked again. "Typical medical types."

"What's so ridiculous?" asked Yumi. "They would be right there to watch over the child."

The blond huffed again. "Can you say 'overkill'?"

"'Overkill.'" Ikkaku shrugged his shoulders. "What's so hard about that?"

Hisagi snickered and Yumichika snorted. He was appalled at the noise, covering with a dainty cough. Under normal circumstances, a sound like that would never have left his nostrils, but the day was weighing heavily on him. If they didn't find a mother for Yachiru soon, heaven forbid, he might start making armpit noises for the sheer entertainment value. But, in spite of his ennui, he was finding Kira's answers to be rather interesting.

"Why take a child away from the comforts of home for the sniffles?" Kira crossed his arms. "What Yachiru would need is chicken soup, lots of rest, fluids, and a mother's love, all topped with a healthy dose of candy. That will make any child better in no time. I know. My mother used to do that with me all the time."

"I suppose a child, or Yachiru, could benefit from that," said Yumi. "Perhaps they were being too clinical."

"Ya think?"

Yumichika cocked his head at Kira. "You seem to know a lot about handling children, Kira."

Kira smiled, a slight blush creeping onto his cheeks. "It's a gift."

Hisagi glanced at his friend and smiled at his unusual show of confidence, before turning his attention back to the other two. It was true. Kira seemed to know a lot about children, much more than Hisagi could ever hope to, but he had a question too. "What about … you know," his face turned a light pink color, "that time of the month. What'd they say about that?"

Ikkaku snorted this time, making no attempt to cover it up. "Nanao said she'd lock the child up until she was past a marriageable age …"

"Seems like everyone wants to lock her up," noted Kira.

Hisagi rolled his eyes. "Dude, it's Yachiru. Best place for her."

"… and Rangiku would want to take the girl out partying to celebrate her womanhood with the possibility of losing it almost immediately."

Yumi added, "And Nemu got really scientific on us."

Kira seethed. "How is that a mother's love? Those women have no right to be around a budding young girl! What Yachiru needs is someone who understands the delicate changes that are happening to her body. She needs someone to tell her about boys, not lock her up in a room for the rest of her life, and she certainly doesn't need to be losing anything at such a young age. Her flowering womanhood is sacred. It should be explained. Her questions should be asked and answered in the gentlest way possible so that she understands what a gift her womanhood is."

"Questions like, what are these things?" Ikkaku grabbed Hisagi's chest and cupped a pair of imaginary breasts.

Hisagi pushed him away. "Hey! I usually charge for that!"

"Go on, Kira," urged Yumi. "Ignore them. They're both perverts."

"You laugh, but that's exactly what I mean. When her tender young breasts start to bud, who's going to explain what's happening and go with her for her first bra fitting? And don't tell me Rangiku. Yachiru would end up in a slinky push-up bra with nothing to push up. Besides," he leveled a glare at Hisagi and Ikkaku, "she'll need someone to explain to her what a young girl should expect from young men."

Amused, Hisagi fanned the catalog he was still holding. "You mean, warn her about what dogs we really are?"

"That's right, Hisagi. A dog like you I'd keep far away from my daughter."

"And after that?" asked Yumi, smiling to himself.

"After that? Why, after we've had our talk and she understands her wondrous new body, I'd treat her to ice cream. And candy."

"Sounds like a plan. C'mon, Kira, enough girl talk," said Hisagi, slapping the palm of his hand with the sweets magazine. "Fun's over. I still have to deliver this catalog to Captain Ukitake."

Kira shook his head and handed the paper he was still holding back to the other two Soul Reapers. "Well, I'm sorry we couldn't help. Pity, really. You two are no closer to finding a mother for Yachiru than you were before we arrived."

Yumichika glanced at Kira, and then Ikkaku. "Oh, I don't know," said Yumi brightly. "I'm not that worried about it any more."

"You're not?" asked Ikkaku, a bit bewildered.

"Well, that's good. Good luck then." Kira nodded as he and Hisagi said a quick good-bye and headed off in the direction of the thirteenth. When they were out of hearing, Yumi raised his hand and spoke to the guards. "You can let them go now."

"They can?"

"Thank you, girls, we won't be needing you." The bevy of relieved woman scattered in all directions, running as quickly as they could.

"We won't?"

Yumi turned to his bald friend. "Come on, Ikkaku. We have a wedding to plan."

"We do? Damn, we're good."