Disclaimer: Not mine.

A/N: This is my new fanfiction, yaay. The basic idea has been in my head for a while, but the title of this fic and the real idea of how this could work I had when I read this quote three days ago (yas, indirectly it means I started writing this 3 days ago.)

"How many times are you going to listen to that song?" –"Until the void in my heart is filled."

This very first chapter has nothing to do with a song but I'm planning one. It may be a lil confusing in the beginning, but if you stay with me I hope everything will be more clear in later chapters. It's rated a strong T, you'll see it's needed. Maybe not in this chapter but in laters for sure.

I hope you enjoy, although I have to say only most of the flashbacks will be fluffy, the rest will be... well you'll see.

Void

„Turn the light off. Jane please, just do it." She shouted. Her hand lay on her stomach, rubbing it gently. Her belly cramped again, this time harder. She groaned in pain. "I have to go to the toilet."

Shakily she pulled the bed sheets away and tried to stand up.

"What's going on?" He stood up too, trying to help her but she flinched away. Now that it was gloomy in the room again, he could only see her shape. She was very unsteady but she knew their home well. She searched for support on their furniture and as he grabbed her at her waist again she allowed it. His heat which spread through her was kind of soothing. While she gasped he could feel her under belly cramping. The toilet was not far away but it seemed like an entirety until they reached it stumbling.

She pulled her slip and pants away and sat down. The cramps were harder now and she could feel liquid running down her bare legs. Cursing she tried to maintain her composure. This was never meant to happen. It would bring them apart, she could feel it.

Sitting there she felt more clots coming out. Without seeing it she knew it was blood.

"What's happening?" He asked again. Her eyes were shut for a brief moment, trying to think but the knot in her neck was too big. She couldn't swallow it down and actually she didn't need to think. She knew what this was. Nothing could be done now. It was too late.

Clearing her throat she searched for his eyes in the darkness hoping he would understand.

"I'm having a miscarriage."

Two years later

Lisbon went out of the New York Police Department with only one wish; she wanted to grab herself a taxi. It was already late and she was really exhausted, today had been an awful day. Like every other day since. She knew driving would be no good idea tonight. The old taxi driver drove her without any questions to her favorite bar and as soon as she was inside she set down on 'her' table. Letting her head fall into her hands she sighed. Do not cry. Do not. Not here. Lisbon swallowed hard and ordered a glass of liquor. The warmth which filled her immediately was welcome. Drinking was these days the only thing which made her feel alive.

Then she ordered another one. And another.

She knew it would be even worse in her apartment so she sat there for an entirety. Her apartment would be cold and empty and she couldn't face it yet.

Another.

Soon the emptiness in her own heart was filled. Drinking always gave her this feeling and she waited downright for these evenings after work. Today had been one of these days. A new case had come in and studying the related files she had the feeling she needed to cry. Crying was a thing she did often it was like a new habit. There was no one cheering her up like… earlier. She was with the NYPD since more than a year but they kept work and free time strictly separated. And being the boss again helped nothing to have a short talk with one of her co-workers about her own life. Mostly she sat in her little office doing paperwork and asking herself how it had come this far.

Lisbon hadn't talked to Jane in over a year. Normally she forbade herself to even think about it, but today she just couldn't stop the memories. Today it was exactly two years ago since the thing had happened which had driven them apart. Still, she could not believe it.

Before, the evening before they had went to bed that night everything had felt so used so normal between them, she had been looking forward to the next day. Not knowing that the next day would be truly horrible.

Now thinking about it, she had felt a sharp short pain in her under belly when she had gone to sleep but she hadn't thought about such a possibility. She had had often abdominal pains and every time they had visited the doctor because of that he had told them everything was okay.

It hurt so much to know it was over.

While tears were in her eyes she put the shot glass with a loud bouncing on the table. Do not cry. She had to get out of here, now. She threw a few bills on the table and rushed out. Her heart hurt too much although her whole body felt numb. Full of grief.

Once she was outside in the dark and cold silence she could control her emotions a lot better. But again, she couldn't escape the memories.

A few years earlier

They were together now since a whole year. Being Jane's girlfriend was even better then she'd imagined it to be he was such a gentleman towards her. They had managed the first few awkward months in which no one knew how to deal with jalousie and the need to be perfect. Now they could say it had made them better, it was like they needed each other to be good.

"Keep your eyes closed… oh man I should have bought a blindfold for you." Teresa could hear Jane's chuckle and then his snort. His body was pressed from behind against hers and he was holding her hips in the right direction.

"Calm down Jane. I wouldn't dare to ruin your surprise you know." She tried to turn around and give him a kiss without knowing where his face was. Of course she failed but Jane grinned, he had such a cute woman. And she was only his.

Then he stopped her gently he brushed her cheeks which his thumb before telling her to finally open her eyes. She knew what to expect. Jane had asked her if she was ready to move in a house together and she had agreed. Why waiting, she had thought? Her little house had never been his. He'd had his own keys, his own drawers but it had never felt like his home. And it was the same for her with his airstream. Moving together felt like the right solution now.

Slowly she opened her eyes expecting a small old house or something but when she did there was so much light flooding into this one room in which they were standing that she gasped. It looked so unbelievably big. And light. The soft yellow and orange tones of the walls looked very dreamy. All in all there was not much furniture. Just a piano and… Jane's convenient couch of the FBI. Why in hell was there his couch? And a piano?

"Jane?" Her voice was high and her eyes searched his.

"Hehehe." Patrick just chuckled. After a moment he added, "No worries I got a new couch for work. You know I couldn't live without one there."

"Patrick… this is beautiful." There were no other words to describe it. The big windows, the dark brown wood floor and doorframe matched perfect. "You said you would look for a little house… but this is definitively not small. This is huge." Chewing on her lower lip she asked. "Can I see more?"

"Sure, I'll show you everything. I'm 95% sure that you are going to love it." Jane gestured her to follow him. At first he explained her how big the corridor was and from which wood the stairs were made. Upstairs he put his arms around her waist, guiding her to their shared bedroom. His touch felt like marking. She loved it when he touched her.

The bedroom was truly beautiful too. "You did this all here?" She had to ask.

"Oh well, no. Not everything, I had help."

"Professional help?"

He pulled her closer, kissing her head. "No, I called Wayne and Grace." He knew she would pull away after his words.

"The Rigsby's?" Yes, it sounded still strange to call them by Wayne's last name. "Oh my god. Jane how are they? How's Maddy?"

Teresa stood a few foot away and looked at him asking. She was wearing a black jeans and a striped blouse, they had come here right after work. She really didn't knew what she did to him she looked so smart in the outfit and he had a few silly ideas of how he could make her want to make out with him here in their hopefully soon home. He sighed; the Rigsby's were more interesting now.

"They were great, all three of them. Maddy loves to talk, she isn't a very god help but she can command people as good as you." Lisbon shook her head.

"Shut up Jane." But a small grin played on her lips. "Are they going to come to visit us again?" He walked out of the room to show her the rest of the rooms upstairs.

"I hope so. They are living quiet near from here…" This was Jane trying to influence her. "Come on, I'll show you the rest."

The next few rooms were barely furnished, the bathroom was huge too, walls painted in blue white, but the most interesting thing was that there were many rooms. Jane wouldn't want to have this much guest rooms. So, for what… or for whom were they?

Lisbon looked questioning at Jane. "Why so much rooms Jane?" He grinned slightly.

"For our kids." Despite that she had had a quiet foreboding she couldn't hide her surprise.

"You want kids? With me?" Jane came closer and stood next to her on the doorframe of an empty room.

"Yes, I do." It was for sure she would want to know more. "Red John is dead, my family too… and there's nothing that could change it. They're gone forever. And living for two years on the island I figured out what I wanted, what I would like to have. The idea of having one or two kids again frightened me, but not so much that I would say, no. No kids. I think after all these years I'm finally ready. I want to have a family again… with you. Because you are mine, okay?" There was a short silence then he added. "Because I love you."

Holy shit.

Controlling her emotions was not a bit better outside. Lisbon supported her hands on the hand trail of a bridge. A sob escaped her lungs and she pressed one hand against her lips. Not here. Her legs were so shaky that she thought they would give in.

She couldn't go back into her apartment. The loneliness would hit her there and then drive her crazy. All she managed was grabbing her cell phone from her jacket pocket while she let herself fall on the ground. Her head hit the stone of the wall behind her.

Lisbon dialed a well-known number and waited. Of course she knew that it was late. That it was rude; but she couldn't help herself. The need to hear a familiar voice was too strong.

"Hello?" A sleepily voice muffled. Lisbon breathed slowly in and out before saying: "Hey Wayne, I'm so sorry for bothering you…" In the background she heard Grace talking to him and a second later she was on the phone.

"Lisbon, I waited for your call. You okay?" This simple last sentence was too much, a heartbreaking sob left her lungs and she almost choked.

"I'm fine. I'm good… I just needed to hear your voice." The traffic was loud and Lisbon wished to not hear it.

"Lisbon… do I need to pick you up?" Grace didn't mind the fact that their removal was through the half country.

The ground was cold under her back and she just hoped it wouldn't cause a cystitis.

"No, no. I just… can we talk for a while?" The sadness in her own voice made Lisbon want to cry more. She didn't want to sound so helpless. Earlier she had been a career woman with a real life.

"Yeah." Then she heard Grace shouting. "Wayne you can go to bed again, don't wait for me… you know I have to talk to the boss." He only said that it was okay and that she should place some sheets above her body. "Talk to me. I'm here."

"How's Maddy?" It was way too long since she had seen her. The little girl was growing so fast. Like her own one could have too.

Grace sighed. "Good, she likes going to the kindergarten a lot."

"That's good, really that's good." Goosebumps rose over her body and she knew she had to stand up before it was too late.

Walking over the bridge she tried to warm herself up a bit by jumping up and down.

"I miss him so much despite everything." Her honesty surprised Van Pelt little, the boss had changed. Her former boss, now she was Teresa, her friend.

"I know."

"Will it ever go away?" Sighing Grace told her that she didn't think so.

The theme kids had been chewed a lot. Lisbon had never seen Jane this serious before. While he saw no problems in having children she was the one who wasn't so sure. They were no longer twenty one.

Nevertheless they had tried. Not like, come on let's make a baby, but out of passion. Living with Jane in a house made her permanently aroused. Just looking at his naked ass was enough to want to have him not caring if they were up- or downstairs.

"You know I can see you Teresa?" Jane said chuckling. He was shoving himself and he could see her in the mirror. She was hiding herself behind the doorframe while she was watching him. Slowly she came into the room.

"No." Holy shit, she was only wearing her panties. Nuzzling herself into his neck she looped her arms from behind around his waist. "Leme do it." Teresa reached out her hand and took his razor. "Turn around." Excitement spread through his body, did she wanted to shove him first and then… He couldn't finish his thought because she began to shove him so gently that it was like a soft touch of her own fingers. He moaned. His hands searched her hips and he had to use all his bio-feedback to not letting her feel how much he was aroused from her naked body.

"I was almost finished sorry," he told her when she put the razor on the sink. Apparently she was not the littlest bit sorry because as soon as his shaving was out of the way she started to threw him against the wall next to the sink. Her tiny hands were suddenly everywhere and before he knew what was happening she had her hands shoved into the front of his pants.

Jane couldn't resist her –not even if he had wanted to.

Soon he had the lead and she was lying under him on the floor. His grin was broadly, like every man who had the woman they loved under them lying, moaning for more. More of his touch, his mouth.

The next morning was horrible. She didn't remember going back to her apartment but somehow she had obviously managed. The sun rays which were spread in her whole bedroom were too light, the time of the day too early. That she had a hangover was obviously. Her head was hurting like mad and she had a hard time to see straight. Nevertheless she had to go to work; the case from yesterday evening was a big one. A big fish, as they called it.

What had she said to Grace in the end? Had she even wished her a good night? Oh god. She had to talk to her later, maybe some memories would come up before and she could tell Grace that she was sorry.

Searching her black work clothes she wanted to make herself a chamomile tea but stop abruptly as she remembered that Jane had always made her this kind of tea after she had had vomited during the morning hours when… when she had been pregnant.

Well, then not.

On her ride to the office she held on a coffee-to-go-shop and ordered a cappuccino with extra milk. Somehow she had to manage this day.

Heading into the bullpen she saw a few very smartly dressed men standing next to the co-workers of her team.

"Hey. I'm Detective Lisbon, what's going on?" Being professional was something she could be still.

One of the three men looked at her and in that moment she saw it was Abbott. Oh shit, no. For a few seconds she just stared at him. He hadn't changed a bit. Judging by the pain in her heart she recognized that she had missed him.

Before she could say another word Abbott introduced the two other men to Lisbon. "Good to see you Teresa, I hope you're better? These are the Agents Hatton and Conners. As I've already told your co-workers I'm here because of your new case. We have new information which makes this to an FBI case too. I'm hoping for a good cooperation with you."

There was only one thought in her head. Was Jane here too? She didn't even know if was still working for the FBI. Most likely not, because there was nothing holding him there he'd told her in their last talk… afterwards. After it. Then, gradually there came some new questions. Did she want to see him? In their last talk he'd made clear that he didn't want to see her that he would never ever could again.

"Have you talked to the Captain about joining us?" She had no interest in telling Abbott how she felt when there was a whole crowd around them.

"Lisbon, do you really think I would just come in here out of fun? This is a serious and important case." He showed her his authorization and she nodded.

"I'm sorry Agents. Please sit down. I need to talk to Abbott for a second. We'll be right back" She gestured at the free chairs and said to her own team, "Give them our files and demand theirs. Do not begin a fight!"

Then Lisbon turned around. Abbott followed her but not without giving Agent Conners and Agent Hatton a warning glare.

In her office she sat down behind her desk. It was a little strange to have the team line as well as Abbott. Lisbon shut her eyes and tried to think. Her head was still hammering like crazy.

"Teresa, you okay?"

She had totally forgotten then Abbott was in the room too. Groaning she opened her eyes and watched him then for a few seconds.

"I'm fine."

Ask him. She needed to know if he was here too, she couldn't work with him. If yes, she had to go to the captain and explain but if not then there was actually not a problem. Abbott had been so nice to her after her miscarriage, not pitying her like most of the others.

Agent Abbott sat down on the chair in front of her desk. He waited for her to ask.

"Is he here too?"

He. Him. Her ex-boyfriend. The man she had loved –maybe still loved. Jane.

Abbott looked her right in the eye. "Yes." As he saw the pain rushing over her face he added. "But not because I wanted him to, but because this is a damn meaning full case."

Lisbon moved a few curls from her cheeks behind her ear and said, "This is okay. I just need to go to the captain and tell him to give the case another team." Her smile hurt in her cheeks as she stood up.

She was surprised he was still working for the FBI.

Slowly she went to the door and wanted to go out as Abbott grabbed her left arm.

"Teresa…" Her look was hazy from all the tears as she turned around. Do not cry.

"Yes, Sir?" She needed distance right now.

Her eyes were filled with unshed tears but as always she tried to be strong. He could only try to think about how horrible it had been, but he couldn't imagine how it had been for her. Losing her little baby and then Jane.

"Jane won't come today. He had to help Cho and Vega with another case, but tomorrow or at the latest the day after tomorrow he'll be here."

She nodded. "I have to go to the bathroom and then to the captain, I'll be back soon. Please join the teams in the meanwhile."

Abbott looked after her as she went to the bathroom in quick steps. He had really hoped it would work with Jane and Lisbon. And so had they.

"Teresa? What are you doing so long in the bathroom?"

It was a few months after she's shaved him and they were already late for work. Lisbon had been strange all morning. She hadn't wanted to eat anything and as soon as possible she had locked herself in the bathroom.

Jane heard the lock click and saw Teresa looking at him. There were a few tears on her cheeks but she didn't look sad or hurt. She took his hand in hers and went with him to the bathtub, where she sat down on the edge.

"You okay? What happened?"

She closed her eyes briefly and handed him then an oblong stick. On the stick there were two pink parallel lines and instantly he knew what this was all about.

"Teresa… oh my…" The air remained him. He just hugged her and the tears trailed uncontrollably down his cheeks to his jawline.

"Patrick… we're having a baby… we… we created a child." Rarely both of them had been so openly about their feelings. Neither going to work nor the time cared they just clung to each other for minutes.

When Jane finally pulled away his eyes sparkled with hope. "We need to set an appointment at the doctor… and you need to eat something now. Let's go downstairs and get you something, come on."

Lisbon could only nod. He needn't to say he was glad or he was looking forward to his second child, she could see it, feel it. And that made her so incredible happy.

"Captain, but…" His eyes were expressionless as he looked at her.

"No. Your team will work this case. They already know it and they're the best. You're their boss and I expect you to encourage them, this case is the most important we had in years! This is not only about you. This is about the people out there who are still in danger. You will work this case, have I been clear?" He was playing his sick game with her. 'Do what I tell you or you'll be away from the window before you can blink one time.' When she had started working here she had liked it. She had just wanted to work and forget but now she hated this cold look in his eyes.

Lisbon looked stunned at him then she stood up. "Yes, Sir." She would not risk her job. It was the only thing she had. It was the reason why she did get up at all in the mornings.

Walking out of his office she asked herself how it would be to see him. Would he still wear the vests she had told him once she liked them? How would it be? Did he know it was her case? There were such many questions in her head.

But none of them could satisfy the void in her soul.

She asked herself if she would be able to feel anything.

This evening she drove directly home. The case had moved out as even bigger and complicated as she had thought. The information the FBI-Agents had had caused a shocked silence. Lisbon felt too bad to even think about drinking, all she needed was her bed. Also, she had to call Grace. The question if Grace knew that Jane would come to New York bothered her more than she would ever admit. Lisbon hadn't prepared herself for seeing Jane again. When she had left Austin and he had stayed she hadn't seen any reason how they could walk into the other ever again.

Oh she had been so wrong. She would never ever escape her past.

First thing home she did was removing her dark clothes and searching her sweatpants and her favorite thick hoodie. Being at home always changes her, not only her look but also her as a human.

Her apartment was small and she knew why. It was so painful to think about the reason how it had come this far. Once she had had a house, a bright and airy one. Now she was sitting on a couch which was even hers in the gloomy light from a desk lamp next to her.

The urge to scream hit her hard but as always she didn't. Do not. It wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't bring Jane, the fetus or her home back.

Was Jane still living in their house? Or had he moved out? Did he miss her? She could only answer the last question. No. It was her fault that he was completely broken now, he had told her. He had not understood.

Biting her lip she grabbed her cell phone and called Grace. It wasn't that late so she needn't to worry about waking Maddy.

"Hello?" A dark voice answered the phone.

"Wayne, it's me again. Is Grace there?" Control yourself. Her voice was shaking a little but else firm.

"Sure… sure. She's just taking Maddy to sleep." Then he called her and soon her younger friend took the phone into her hand. Lisbon heard Grace giving Wayne a short kiss on the mouth and then she said, "Hey. I wanted to call you too but Maddy and Ben played the whole time and then she hurt her head and she was crying all the time… sorry." Talking to Teresa about kids wasn't the best topic for them.

"No it's fine. I should visit you soon, before your little girl forgets that she has an aunt." She tried to chuckle, but it ended in a sob. "Jeezes I'm so sorry. I always cry when I call."

Sniffling she tried to regain her self-control. "It's okay, I just wish I would be next to you. I hate it that you are so alone." Grace knew she had in New York no one.

"Yesterday… I didn't say anything embarrassing, did I?"

"No, nothing new. Nothing I do not already know." Well, Grace knew every detail. She had been the one holding her hand in the hospital after Jane had left.

"Good… thanks." Mother of god. She wanted to hug her so badly.

"Always okay? I wish I could do more." Van Pelt had grown to such a wonderful woman. Mother and wife. There was nothing naïve anymore about her.

In this moment she was sure Grace didn't knew about the case or the fact that Abbott was in the city. She would never withhold that from her.

"Abbott is in town… he is working my case… and," It was hard to say his name, but somehow she managed. "Jane will be there tomorrow too."

She heard Grace almost choking.

"Why haven't you said earlier… Teresa?" Good question, maybe because she was scared? It made everything more real.

"I don't know." Her own breath was loud in her ear.

"What are you going to do?"

"I do not know." Nothing.

"Can I do anything? Should I buy a flight, maybe I could stay…" Grace was interrupted by Lisbon.

"No. I mean he's just my ex. It's over between us. Maybe he runs away when he sees that I'm the boss of the other team…." Her voice trailed off as she thought about what she was saying.

Had Abbott told Jane she was the boss of the other team which they would join, or was this her former boss Supervising Agent Abbott who tried to get them back together? Not that he would ever use a case for that but the occasion was there.

"Teresa? You still here?"

"Yeah, I was just thinking."

The following silence was like closing a book with an open end. Lisbon sat on the couch and starred at the ceiling, she would not stay professional when she would see him again. She just couldn't.

They almost had had a child together. How was she supposed to act like nothing happened? She could not work with him again. Could he? They were both broken, both had had many losses in their life's but the loss of each other because of a miscarriage was too heavy.

"I should uhm go to sleep." Even though she knew sleep wouldn't came to her until the morning hours.

"Okay, but boss… Lisbon, Teresa…"

"I know and I'm really grateful." Her voice sounded so little. "Good night, say Wayne and the kids greetings. I'll come visit you as soon as I can." I have to get out of this damn city. Out of the loneliness. It was even harder to be alone again when there had been a man for more than 10 years mostly around. Earlier just as a friend, but what she really missed was his heat in her bed. Inside her. Everywhere actually.

"Okay… sleep well… despite everything."

"You too. Bye."

Then she could finally let go. She missed him that was the truth. Not caring what he had said to her she just wanted the man back with whom she had lived together. Her tiny body shook with sobs when her doorbell rang.

A/N: I know this is a lot to take in. I hope you enjoyed anyway. A review would be very nice, because this is a big story for me.

Next will be up, if you want me to and when I reach the 5.000 words mark.

-A x