AUTHOR: Danno
DISTRIBUTION: Just keep my name attached.
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: What happens when Nyssa is pregnant?
She was pregnant. About a month along, if her calculations were right. Nyssa stared blankly at the wall of her bedroom aboard the TARDIS. She hadn't really thought about the possibility, had just assumed it wouldn't, couldn't, happen. He was Gallifreyan, physically compatible yet still so different in small ways from her people. She supposed he had also assumed it couldn't happen, since he had never suggested methods of prevention. They had both been wrong.
Somehow the knowledge that she was not alone in her folly did not greatly comfort Nyssa.
She couldn't tell him. He would feel obligated, which was the last thing she wanted. In the wake of Adric's death and Tegan's departure, they had turned to each other for comfort. It lasted for a time, it ended, they became merely friends again. If he knew, he would feel honour-bound to behave in a certain manner. She didn't want him that way. Neither of them would be happy.
She would have to leave the TARDIS. It had become home, and she didn't want to go. But she had to. The only difficulty lay in finding an excuse.
One conveniently arrived in the form of Terminus and Lazar's Disease. Nyssa didn't even have to lie when she said she wanted to stay to help cure people. What sort of person wouldn't want to help? But saying she wanted to do it and actually doing it were two different things. The truth was that though she spoke the words, she never meant to stay.
Saying good-bye to the Doctor was the hardest part. She knew he had sensed her new distance from him but he must have assumed it was because of the latest change in their relationship, from lovers back to just friends. At least, she hoped he assumed that was the reason.
So she said good-bye and kissed him on the cheek and he left. She wasn't alone, though, not really. She still had the baby. The Lazar's Disease had not affected him.
When the TARDIS had left, she did not stay on Terminus. Her baby's health was the most important thing at the moment. She gave what brief aid she could to the doctors and scientists on Terminus and then went planetside to Ailchor. She could give birth and move on from there.
She often dreamed of the Doctor, of both him and Tegan although in very different ways. The dreams of Tegan were of them on Earth or on Traken, talking and laughing and wandering the hillsides and forests. It was always peaceful and beautiful.
The dreams about the Doctor were sometimes dark, sometimes sweet. Many had monsters and villains in them. The worst one was about the Master, who wore her father's skin. The Doctor always tried to protect her but he didn't always succeed. She had better dreams too, of him just quietly holding her and stroking her hair, talking to her, even sex dreams where he hovered above her, his forelock dark with sweat as they intertwined with the sheets.
She thought she was dreaming again when she woke from a nap and heard his voice. It had only been a month since he left her and the pregnancy was just beginning to show from the right angle. It was natural that she'd dream of the baby's father at this time. She would probably keep dreaming about him for years.
There it was again, the voice from her dream. She was awake now without a doubt and she was sure of what she had heard. It was the Doctor here outside her little cottage.
She heard a rapping on the front door and his voice calling again, "Nyssa! I know you're in there!"
It was the only door and he didn't sound like he was willing to go away any time soon. Nyssa threw a large shawl about her shoulders to help cover her belly and went to the door. She braced herself and opened it. "Hello, Doctor," she greeted him. "This is a surprise."
"Hello, Nyssa," he replied and then stopped. He shifted his weight and looked down.
For that moment Nyssa studied him. His hair was several shades darker and a few new lines marked his forehead. It had been a month for her, Nyssa thought. It must have been longer for the Doctor. "How much standard time has passed since you last saw me?" she asked.
It took him a moment to reply. "Around eight years."
She tried to look around him. "Where's Tegan?"
"Gone." The Doctor finally looked up as he quickly went on. "Not dead, just gone. Gone home. She wanted to leave."
"What about Turlough?" Nyssa hadn't known the odd young man for very long but she still wondered about his fate.
"He went home too," the Doctor replied. "On better terms with me than Tegan did, thankfully. It was safe for him to go back. So. No Tegan. No Turlough. It's just me, I'm afraid."
That would make it both harder and easier. Another person would have provided a distraction. Nyssa stepped away from the door. "Please come in," she said formally.
The Doctor slowly stepped inside and looked around. The small cottage was neat and clean. Nyssa was relieved that she had not left any telltale baby items in the open. She had a few things in boxes but the Doctor would have no reason to go looking inside them. She would visit with him briefly. Then he would go on his way and it would all be over.
He sat in an easy chair and she returned to the sofa. "I suppose you're wondering why I'm here," the Doctor said. "I decided it was about time I visited some of my old friends."
This seemed strange to Nyssa since he had never visited anyone back when she was travelling with him but what other reason could he have? "How long did Tegan and Turlough stay with you?" she asked.
"Tegan? About a year after we left you at Terminus. Turlough left soon after that. Then I had another companion, Peri, for a while, but she had to go home eventually. Since then, I've been on my own."
Years of solitude for a man who fed off of the company of others. Something of Nyssa's dismay must have shown on her face because the Doctor said sharply, "It was all right!" He took a deep breath and proceeded. "I mean, it was what I needed. Wandered around, repaired the TARDIS, did a little this and a little that. And when I was finished, I found myself nearby and thought I'd stop by for a visit. See how you were getting on, that's all."
His gaze travelled over her body. Nyssa shivered and wrapped the shawl more securely around herself.
"You didn't stay on Terminus," the Doctor observed.
"No," Nyssa replied. She hadn't thought of a good excuse, frankly had never thought she would need one She was a terrible liar. What could she say to explain why she left Terminus?
"It's not always dangerous," the Doctor said abruptly. "On the TARDIS. I mean, it doesn't have to be dangerous. It can be safe."
"It usually wasn't for us," Nyssa reminded him.
"No, I suppose it wasn't." The Doctor lapsed into an awkward silence.
Nyssa wondered why he had brought up the subject. What was his point? If she hadn't interrupted then she would have found out but it felt too late now to ask. She searched for something to say, something that wouldn't give away her secret. "I'm learning the local language. It's a lot harder without the TARDIS around to translate everything."
"Yes, I suppose it is."
Nyssa had the impression that the Doctor was not really listening to her words. He was glancing around the room like he was looking for something. He probably wanted to make sure she was doing all right. Maybe he thought that she wasn't able to take care of herself.
"I'm fine," she said suddenly. "I'm doing all right by myself and you don't have to worry about me."
"You don't need anyone, do you?" he said quietly.
"I'm fine," she repeated.
They changed the subject. The Doctor talked about a few of his recent adventures and Nyssa told him a little about her new surroundings. It was a polite and distant conversation like strangers would have.
Eventually the Doctor stood and paced across the room and back. He said, "I suppose it's time I was on my way."
"It was a good visit," Nyssa said. "It was good to see you again."
"And you," he replied. "Well then, good-bye." He slowly went back to the door.
Nyssa followed. She wanted to ask him to stay longer but at the same time wished he would leave. He couldn't learn the truth. It was better if he went now. So she said nothing.
The Doctor went out the door and over to the TARDIS. He opened the door but didn't go inside. Instead he picked up a box from the floor and came back to Nyssa, who was waiting in the cottage doorway. He handed her the box. "You'll be wanting this soon." Then he leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. "Good-bye, Nyssa."
Through a haze of tears she watched him walk away. Then she heard the sound of the TARDIS as it dematerialised. She wished now that she had asked him to stay, or asked to go with him. He was gone and it was too late now. She turned to go back inside the cottage. Then she remembered the box. She pulled off the top and looked inside. It was full of baby clothes.
The next morning Nyssa went for a walk in the village. Staying in the cottage was too confining. The Doctor knew about the baby and he had left. If she had said something, he would have stayed. She knew it. She wished more than ever that she had asked him. Now she would have to live with her regret and the knowledge that the Doctor would never know his own child. "I should have said something," she mused to herself. The Doctor, who never seemed to return for anyone, had come to see her. She couldn't expect it to happen again.
She could do nothing about it now so rather than dwell she wandered down among the market stalls. A local woman, Riva, called to her. Nyssa fumbled for words to reply in the native language and then heard herself speaking easily.
Riva's eyes widened. "Nyssa, you are speaking so well. Like a native! How did you learn so much in the three days since I last saw you?"
Nyssa understood every word. She understood perfectly, which could only mean one thing.
She ran all the way back to her cottage.
The TARDIS was there.