I don't know how long it had been since I came home. Sae and her granddaughter Lilac come every day to feed me and sometimes wash me. I no longer envy my mother for how she reacted to my father's death. Because I have reacted the same to the death…. No murder of my younger sister Prim.
I will never forget that day. So many things happened so quickly I don't remember much of it but I do remember watching my own sister die. It was his fault of course. Gale! The person who had been my best friend since the accident that had killed our fathers. I know now that it was HIS bomb that killed my sister. It took me a while to realise it but now. I know for sure it was him. Although my movements and facial expressions have been limited since my return my mind had been playing her death in my head over and over again like a sick joke. Highlighting the way her lips formed my name in recognition of my voice over the ruckus caused by District thirteen's doctors and the Capitol citizens.
But I remember being in the Weapons division of District 13 with him and him telling Beetee how to build a snare and possibly adapt it to use against then Capitol. I don't think he intended the bomb to be targeted at my sister but it was. I don't cry over her loss. I can't, I am incapable of such emotions. But I always wonders why she was there that day. She was only thirteen not even qualified as a nurse or a doctor yet she was there treating the wounded capitol children. Coin made the decision to put her there. Coin pressed the detonation button. I should hold her guilty instead of Gale, but I got my revenge on her. I killed her. Yes the arrow was intended for Snow but after contemplation I realised that she would have been just as bad as snow if she were to become ruler of Panem. So I shot the arrow at her instead and then attempted to take my own life. I had lost everything and everyone I cared about. Prim. My woods. Fnnick. And Peeta.
I realise now that I love him, and still now I wish he was here. Everything I ever tried to help him just made situations worse. He lost his leg, family, home and in the end there was nothing left to take but his mental capability. And they took that too.
Whilst I sit in my chair and sometimes what would have happened if I had not volunteered for my sister. The only reasonable answer I can give for that wound be that I would continue hunting, Prim still would have died – she is not as strong as me. I tried to take her out hunting once and al she wanted to do was help the animals after I'd shot them- I would never have spoken to Petta and would most likely have married Gale.
He comes back today. What will it be like? Will he still have some of the venom coursing through his veins? Will he remember the pipe? How I fed him? Or will he have forgotten everything and have forgotten that I ever existed? I don't know how to behave around him. Plutarch has called me. So Sae sais. Apparently he wants to film and televise our reunion. I told her to tell him no. I never answer the phone. I don't want any bad news. I have not spoken to my mother. I'm afraid that she will blame me for what happened to her. I do. I blame myself.
I decide to move. I need to se Haymich. I haven't seen him since I killed Coin. But because I haven't seen him does not mean that I have not heard him. I hear him in the nights thrashing and breaking numerous objects. I am surprised he as anything left to break. Last time I was in his house it was before we left for the tour. The dreaded tour that took us from district to district, to celebrate our win of the games. But I know now. Nobody wins the games there are just survivors. And then the capitol manipulates you. I have heard the stories of what happened to the other "winners" like Finnick and Joanah. They both lost their families due to Snow and his need to control people Finnick's family were killed and Joanah's family in a house fire. That is one of the reasons why I shot the arrow at Coin. She was another version of Snow. Driven by power and taking it whatever the cost. Even though I was in a dazed sense when she said it. I remember her saying "I told you we should have reused the boy firs. That is probably the only thing I agreed with her. That Peeta should have been saved, not me. Haymich and I have made a deal, that it was Peeta who would revive the packages from sponsors and be kept alive. Not me!