Me: New story. Now vote on my poll!
Jun: Wow, pushy.
Edo: She doesn't own anything. This is based off of the awesome book "How to Survive a Horror Movie" By Seth Grahame-Smith. Meaning that I'm using each page of his books rules, and making the poor characters suffer. I Will also include bits of random horror movies, both B and otherwise.
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Edo and Jun were simply laying on Edo's boat with their respective girlfriends, Dragonheart, and Jasmine. When Sartorius (Possessed by the dark light) Jumped out and blasted them with a ray, whilst laughing manically.
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Jasmine came to first. "Urgh, where are we?"
When the others started coming around, they noticed they were in a car with several people they didn't know….A van, to be more precise.
"Jun? What's wrong?" Edo asked in concern, seeing his fried go even paler than usual while looking out a window.
"I think we need to think about where we are. Everything's…blue!"
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The environment should offer some clues. If you're on a crowded street in broad daylight, you're probably safe (for now). But if you're anywhere remote---the woods, an old house, an abandoned mental institution in the middle of a blackout---then yes, your chances of being in a horror movie are much higher. How the location looks and sounds can be helpful, too:
Does everything look slightly grainy? This could indicate that you're being shot on film. Or that you're developing cataracts. Either way, not good.
Is it poorly lit? Is everything bathed in a bright blue light even though it's supposed to be nighttime? Are there shadowy corners that you should be able to se into but can't?
-C- elsewhere
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Edo joins Jun in looking out the window. As his surprise sets in, strange background music starts up.
"Shit, Jun! We're in a horror movie! Everything's all, grainy, and though it's night, everything is glowing blue!"
As they pause to take in the gravity of the situation, the gothic chick in the spot next to Edo slides her hand up his thigh. "Calm down sweetie." she purrs, before adding " I think I might like you, you know what they say about freaks."
Edo proceeds to unbuckle his seat belt and prepare to open the vans sliding door.
"You should sit down." A handsome boy driving the van says worriedly, "If I hit a bump you could be hurt."
Jun takes one look around the van and says "We're sooo screwed."
Dragonheart looks back worriedly from the front seat, "Why?"
Jun raises his hand for silence. And directs his next statement to the kind teenager driving the van "What's your name?"
"Matt. Why?
"Just Matt?"
"Yeah, my parents liked Matt, but not Matthew, sooo, just Matt!" Matt chirps
"As before mentioned, screwed."
Jasmine looks up from her place in the backseat between two African American people. "Why, are we screwed?"
Jun gestures at the other five occupants of the van. He gestures first at Matt, then the Goth, then a mean looking guy, and the two African-Americans. " The nice guy with the monosyllabic name, the slutty Goth chick, and the ever popular racist/jerk, and the common ethnic stereotype, the black guy, and his girlfriend."
Edo glances at the jerk and snorts. "We don't need to deal with this one for long." He says amusedly "He's wearing a varsity red leather jacket. He'll be dead before the second act, definitely a slasher film."
And then the scenery warped strangely, ditching them in a small town, surrounded by a heavy wooded area.
"Where are we now?" Dragonheart asks in a panic
Edo and Jun exchange a coded look.
"Small town and heavily wooded, dead-ringer for a Strong-Silent type slasher."
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The most common horror movie predator, Slasher (One who slashes). Each of their killing techniques beauty lies in simplicity. Every motion is meant for extermination. There are five different types, all need different skills to defeat.
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"Right you are Edo. I think we should explain a few rules to the girls, before we move on."
"Rules?" Jasmine asks worriedly.
Edo raises a finger "Actually, the Seven Deadly sins of the Terrorverse."
"Terrorverse!"
Jun begins.
"The first, is Doubt. If you don't believe what's happening, you die. So if you think the portraits eyes are moving, tell someone, 'cause they are. And if they don't believe you, and they're with us, they'll be dead before the end credits. If you tell someone something and they respond with: It was just a dream, I've heard enough out of you! Or, Those are just ghost stories our parents told us. We have major problems."
Edo chimes in
"The second is Machismo. This is just for me and Jun, so if we say anything like this, make us stop and think about it: You want some of this?, You're perfectly safe as long as we're around, or Shut up and make me some eggs before you get a black eye. If either of us say the last one, hit us. Neither of us are abusive, and deserve what we get if that happens."
Jun brings in the third
"The third is Independence. We need to stay together. If we don't we die horrible painful deaths. You know, like the nature documentaries where the wildebeests are torn apart by crocodiles and lions, 'cause they went to far away from the heard? That'll be us if we separate. This isn't Scooby-Doo. If any of us says 'we can cover more ground if we split up.' mention that we forgot to insert 'with blood' between 'ground' and 'if'. So anything that is like: Screw you guys I'm going home, C'mon you guys this isn't funny. Is now bad."
"The fourth" Edo states "Is Ugliness. We're going to skip that one, because it doesn't apply to any of you, and Jun insists it doesn't apply to me."
"The fifth" He continues "is Curiosity. Remember girls, Investigation = Mutilation. If you hear a noise, run. It's NOT a coincidence. It's something waiting to eat your face. Anything like: Is that you…..(Insert anything here), I wonder what that creepy old…..(insert anything) looks like inside, OR…. Do you think its dead? Just so you know, if you say the last one, our response is No. Go ahead and poke it with a stick, we want to watch it grab your arm and bite half your face off."
Jun rolls his eyes before stating the sixth.
"The sixth is Irresponsibility. If you're supposed to be doing something, do it, or we all die. If your supposed to watch a kid, stare at it all night. If your keeping watch, keep watch, no naps."
"The seventh is Vehicular Sex. Yes I know its vulgar, but if you have to do it, find a respectable place. Vehicles get you killed. Seriously. That's how the majority of camp councilors die you know…"
"And by the way." Edo begins speaking once more. "There is a list of places to NEVER go. Like: Rooms lit by a single hanging bulb, Rooms lit by nothing, Any graveyard that isn't Arlington National Cemetery, Summer camps whose annual councilor murder rate exceeds 10%, Maine, The old (Insert anything), Hotels/Motels that aren't part of a giant international chain, Upstairs, Downstairs, any log cabin on the face of the earth."
The girls nod their heads shakily.
"And all of that is necessary?" Jasmine asks, with a quivering voice.
"Yes" Jun says gently.
"You said something about a strong-silent type, earlier?" Dragonheart asks "I don't get it."
"They're a type of slasher, that inhabit places like this. They move faster than we can sprint and they usually wear masks and coveralls. Plus they usually never speak, whether for psychological reasons or 'cause their vocal chords are decomposing, I do not know." Edo shrugs off the last bit, before starting again "They also have no pain receptors, they take being shot, stabbed and dismembered in stride. Their weapons of choice are butcher knives and machetes."
"Then how do we beat them" The girls ask is a scared fashion.
Jun smiles and nods. "I know it sounds hopeless, but there are ways." He says gently. "You outsmart them. They are single-minded. So just trap, and kill. And by kill I mean crush them with a hydraulic press, run 'em through a wood chipper, and feed the leftovers to puppies. Or just burn them, ya know, like in Twilight, I know you've seen that one."
The girls nod.
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After mutual discussion, they decide the best way to get out of Terrorverse, is to play along. So they continue into the little town.
Halfway there, thy meet a nice young man who offers to let them stay the night at his motel. They refuse, claiming they are staying with a family friend.
"We need to make them think that people will miss us if we're gone." As Jun put it.
As they continued on, they became aware of a gradual darkening of their surroundings.
"Should we be going this way?" Dragonheart finally questions
This prompts Edo to look around worriedly. "No, we shouldn't. Jun, we should go back and hang around the all night bar back there. Witnesses and light. It's our safest bet." he says as he wraps his arm around Dragonheart's frail shoulders," Don't worry so much, I can't say we're safe, but I'll do my best to protect you." He murmurs against her hair.
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The four make it to the bar and carefully find seats. Ordering water, and making sure to stay away from caffeine.
"Yeah it gives you energy, till you crash and fall asleep, more tired than you were before." As Edo put it.
Before the night was done, a man in coveralls and bee netting around his face entered.
The bartender gave him his drink without the other man needing to speak.
After taking a few sips of his drink, which confused the quartet as he didn't remove the netting. (Ahhh! Kakashi skills in a slasher!) He walked over to the four and stared creepily. It took our heroes a moment to realize that there was no one else in the bar, and the Bartender had gone in back.
The man pulled a knife and slashed at Dragonheart who dodged back with a scream.
The others tried to get him to look away long enough for her to get a decent distance away, but the creature was single-minded in his attack.
Finally, Edo grabbed a bottle of whisky from behind the bar, and doused the man with it, before Jun lit a match he had found, also behind the bar, and lit him on fire.
As he burnt, the surroundings once again distorted, and they found themselves, again, in a new place.
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Sorry if its not too hot, READ AND REVIEW! And vote on my profile poll. Next installment coming soon!