"Oh, God he's so heavy," Dani whines.
"Your mother was -hic- heavy when she got on top-"
"Cole, shut up," Mark says in a dangerous tone.
It's 3 a.m. Dani and Mark are stuck carrying Cole up to the apartment. Every night out starts the same. A warning to Cole about knowing his limit and then... BAM! Shot after shot until this happens.
Each time Mark reacts the same.
"He can sleep in the parking garage. I refuse to carry him up," he snaps.
"Don't be such a Twinkie," Dani teases, "it's an elevator ride and fifteen feet of walking to your door!"
Mark grumbles about the Twinkie comment, but helps Dani carry him.
"M...Mark... broski-" Cole stumbles through the words.
"Don't call me broski," Mark mutters.
"Bro," Cole speaks in a loud whisper, "yo girl is feeling me up!"
"Shut. Up. Cole"
Dani looks at Mark, now red in the face, and tries her best not to laugh. The trio get on the elevator- Mark and Dani amuse themselves with watching Cole talk to his reflection on the mirrored panels.
"Hi- Hidalgo?!" He exclaims "where have you been you beautiful bastard?!"
When the door opens on the right floor they have to drag him into the hallway kicking and screaming.
"NO HIDALGO NO! WAIT FOR ME! I WILL FIND YOU!"
By some sheer miracle Mark and Dani get him inside. When the door is closed behind them, Dani abruptly stops, breathing hard.
"Give me a minute, " she pants, "I need to catch my breath".
"Is thaaaat what you tell -hic - Markus when he has your legs pinned behind your-"
"COLE FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS - STOP".
Cole dissolves into giggles with intermittent hiccups.
"Where should we put him?" Dani asks.
"In the lobby, with a 'Free to a good home' sign," Mark replies.
Dani shoots him a acidic look.
"Collins, you're getting cranky," she warns him.
"Awww -hic- Cranky Cinnamon roll, are you mad because no one will eat you? Too bitter because -hic-no icing?"
"His bedroom. Now. Before I kill him," Marks tells Dani through gritted teeth.
When they get him to his room he bellyflops onto his bed with a groan.
"Cole are you okay?" Dani asks in alarm.
"This is fluffy. So lovely. I think I'll stay here a while".
Mark and Dani look at one another and then sneak out of the room. They close the door and tiptoe to Mark's room. Dani lays beside him in one of his Star Wars t-shirts, staring up at the ceiling fan.
"Is this what's it's like to have an unruly teenager?" She ponders.
"Ready for it someday?" Mark asks with a grin.
"Cole makes any rebellious child look like a cake walk," she jokes.
Mark pulls her against his chest. He kisses the top of her forehead over and over until she laughs. They make small talk until finally they drift off to sleep.
"OMG BECKY, LOOK AT HER BUTT, ITS SO BIG-"
The sound of music and Cole's drunken singing is so loud it scares Mark right out of bed. He falls to the ground, taking Dani down with him. The two look around, drowsy...alarmed... trying to make sense of what's happening. Then it dawns on Mark.
"Dammit Cole!"
He runs to Cole's room with Dani in tow and pulls on the doorknob.
Locked.
The music's so loud they can feel the bass in their chests.
"I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE-"
"Open the door Cole!" Mark shouts.
No answer.
"SHAKE THAT HEALTHY BUTT, BABY GOT BACK-"
Mark bangs on the door. Still no answer.
"Do you have a key?" Dani asks.
"Nope! That bastard hid it and forgot where!" Mark replies.
Genius strikes Dani. She pulls a hairpin out of the night's coif and hands it to Mark. It takes a minute, but his face lights up in understanding.
"This is why I love you!" He exclaims.
He leans over and James the pin in the lock. After vigorous and persistent wiggling there's a pop, and the door eases open. Music blares out at them.
And there's Cole. Naked, except for a feather boa, hopping on his bed.
"MY EYES!" Mark screams.
He flinches, and then refocuses. Heads for the iPod and speakers. With one swift move he yanks it from the wall and hands it to Dani.
"Mark! Noooo that was almost my favorite part!" Cole whines.
Mark moves as close as he's comfortable with to his naked roommate and glares at him.
"Its four fucking a.m," he growls, "no more music, go to sleep."
"Wait, I will if-"
"If what, Cole?"
"If you let me sing my favorite line to you?"
His voice is so boyish, so full of hope that Mark wavers. He looks at Dani, who shrugs in uncertainty.
"Fine," Mark says with a sigh.
Cole hops down from the bed and stands beside Mark. Then, in his warbling, off tune scream, he says it.
"MY ANACONDA DON'T WANT NONE UNLESS YOU'VE GOT BUNS HUN!"
Cole's hands connects with Marks ass. A loud slap echoes through the apartment. And no one moves.
After what seems like ages, Cole turns to look at Mark.
"Do you squat Bronut? That's a nice ass.."
"BED! NOW!"
Dani's never seen Mark irate, but his tone and volume indicate this is it. Cole's eyes go wide. He misses the bed on his first attempt and then scrambles into it. Without another word Mark, Dani, and the iPod sound system leave Cole's room. They shut the door and Mark rubs his temples gingerly. Dani watches him for quite some time: finally he takes notice.
"What is it, baby?" He asks.
She take a deep breath, fighting back a grin.
"But seriously," she muses "do you squat?"