Children don't grow up
Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up
~ Arcade Fire
The hospital was brighter than she assumed. Sunlight poured in from the numerous windows lighting up the long, yellow (yellow… the color of the Air Nation? Shouldn't it be red to represent its own nation? She has no patriotism really; even while she was in the Fire Nation she wore pink instead of red, but wouldn't it just be fitting for the place disgraced Fire Nation people go to be red? It's not as if they are people of other nation's there, because of course, only the Fire Nation, her nation, was so utterly constricting and insane that it would enforce it's insanity on its own people. Yellow is the color of peace, right? Maybe in the time she's been gone things really had changed, and now people are not so stuck on the idea the any one nation is better than the rest) halls and casting a happy glow over the whole place which really isn't what Ty Lee expected when she stepped into the hospital.
Azula's room isn't too far ahead, the nurse (dark hair, pulled into the customary top knot, tired worn out eyes and a smile to match) had told her at the front desk when she says her name is Ty Lee and she made the appointment three weeks ago. Ty Lee? The nurse asked, her eyes widening slightly, involuntarily, and her mouth opened again, to say something else, but she didn't and Ty Lee was left hanging, wondering what the nurse might have said.
(Nervous, she's so nervous it's hard to control the shaking and the urge to turn around and run. Each heartbeat feels like bomb detonating and spreading out through her body and it's insane that the nurses don't even notice. She doesn't think they'll say anything, after all the nurses worked with far crazier people than her, or maybe she's the crazy one. If you had asked anyone back then, back when they were friends and Azula wasn't insane and Zuko wasn't the Firelord and Mai wasn't his Firelady, back when things were normal, most people would have probably said Ty Lee was the insane out of all of them.)
The door opened easily, there was no lock (is Azula so incapacitated she's no longer a threat? She doesn't know whether to hope or fear that) and Ty Lee swallowed heavily. This was it, no turning, no running, no…
"Hello Ty Lee." A gasp caught in the back of Ty Lee's throat as she turned to look at Azula. Her hair (twines effortlessly around her fingers and its soft, so soft, softer than anything she's ever felt, even softer than the silk sheets—only the best for the Princess—that cover her skin) was down, most of the luster it once had gone, in its place a dull, faint, hint of a glow. Her eyes (she can't even stand to look at the onyx orbs, because she knows they'll break her heart, so she looks at the ground, at Mai, at the guards, anywhere she can to avoid contact) were dull as well, but at least, they were staring straight at her. Azula was never afraid of eye contact. Her shoulders curved ever so slightly forward as she sits, and even this little act of self-consciousness made Ty Lee wondered what ten years had done.
"Hi Azula." It was a shock to herself that her voice sounded completely calm while inside her heart beat faster than an eeldog. Everything she had been told about Azula in the past ten years told her that she would most likely have no response from the fallen princess. And if there was a response it would be in screams and rage and it would, inevitably end in the nurses having to step in and restrain the enrage firebender. But Azula looked normal, well as normal as she could look in a mental institution.
"It's been awhile, hasn't it?" Azula asked.
"Ten years." Ty Lee replied. Ten years, and never has she looked at an advertisement for a circus, so much as participated in one. Ten years and she's grown, maybe not much physically (her face, though, has matured, deep lines already being etched into the skin around her eyes) but now she was an adult. Ten years and she hadn't flirted, kissed, dated, flaunted, or cried out in the middle of the night. Ten years and she hadn't killed, maimed, tortured, lied, betrayed, stole, or fought someone in an actual battle.
"I've been informed you've joined a group of warriors?" There is a bit, the smallest fraction of a pause, before warriors.
(The same one's they took down a million years ago? The same ones they taunted, tortured, and nearly killed before finally Ty Lee had to step in. Oh how she was punished for that. Not that she minded too much… the bruises and bite marks went away eventually)
"Yes. The Kyoshi Warriors." Ty Lee answered; still standing while Azula sat at the small table. She took a moment to look around the room, before too focused on Azula. White walls, a small, cot against one wall, a table in the middle of the room. Back at (home, she almost thinks… but its not her home, never her home. It's a palace, formal and imposing, and her home is the small house that's overrun with girls who all look alike. Well, it was. Now maybe she thinks it's the small, much smaller than her Fire Nation home, hut that she shares with two of her fellow warriors. Or, there's some quote that says home is where the heart is. Where is her heart? Is it here in the asylum?) the palace, Azula had her own chamber decorated with Fire Nation finest—red velvet drapes covering the walls, deep, plush seats and cushions, elegantly carved dressers and vanities.
"Do you like them?" Azula asked.
Yes, of course. They were her warriors, her friends, her sisters. They had taught her, cared for her, held her as she cried, given her a place to live, included her in to a family. Did she like them as much as Azula and Mai?
"Yes. They're very nice."
"Since when did nice become a requirement for friends?" Azula asked, a laugh trickling from her pale throat. (And then they all lived happily ever after right? Laughter, rich and hearty and wonderful, and it plays melodies in her heart. Of course Ty Lee. The Princess and The Acrobat live happily ever after.)
Suddenly, a click clacking of heals broke apart the conversation (it's dead anyway) and a nurse (not the same one as before. This one has light hair and a smile that splits her face) pops her head any.
"Everything doing fine ladies?" She asked
"Yes Miza. We're doing fine." Azula said, and she smiled widely, fakely (and they all three know its fake) and so Miza popped back out of the room.
"The nurses are all crazy here. They think if they live me alone for even a moment, I'll slit my wrists." Azula said with a smile, but Ty Lee saw the hard glint in Azula's eyes, and she knew what the Princess meant.
(The letter comes on a good day, a day when Ty Lee finally thinks she might be able to move on, but she reads the letter and she doesn't even think its possible but her heart, so broken and damaged, breaks even more. Words, razor, unknown, possibly fatal, stay, etch themselves into her mind and she wants to run, to fly as fast as she can to the Royal City, but the letter says to wait so she does and finally, finally, two weeks later, another letter comes and she falls to her knees in relief. Why do you care? It's not like you'll go visit her. She tells herself that but it doesn't matter because, she will one day, she swears)
"Azula, I…" Ty Lee faltered, wondering what to say next. Miss you? Can't believe how well you look? Am so sorry for what happened at the Boiling Rock? Love you? (She whispers that into the red pillows late one night, wrapping her self in the sheets and there is no noise from beside her, but she knows Azula heard and imagines a smile plays on her lips)
"I have my good days." Azula suddenly said, deciding for herself what Ty Lee meant to say next. "Days like today. I walk, I laugh, I read the books I am brought, I eat the food that could never pass as even food for the servants at the Palace, I smile… I live. I even…" Azula paused there and there is a look on her face, a look of embarrassment she's only seen once (I'm a little… jealous. Ty Lee laughs. See, this is why she knows Azula loves her too. No one else gets to see her like this. These raw moments she doesn't have to impress, to intimidate, to show fearless and poise) "Think about maybe becoming… good."
"It's not that hard." Ty Lee muttered, not really meaning to be heard. After all, she did it. She used to love the look on her opponents' faces as she knocked them flat on their backs, the fear that seemed to radiate from their eyes. She used to love knowing she was on top of the world. But she humbled, became a person who looked out for others.
"Do you know how many times I've heard that? How many times my brothers come in here, spewing crap about love and peace. How many times my uncle has come and here and thought he knew what was best for me? Even the Avatar, oh Agni, the Avatar came in once, saying that I could 'help play my part in restoring balance'." Azula snapped a red flush creeping its way up her normally pale cheeks. If this was the anger Ty Lee's had been warned about, then really it's nothing. From the overheard snippets (Mai and Zuko's conversation floats through the hall, as if carried on one of the currents the little airbender is always procuring. Its not that she shouldn't be eavesdropping, it's that she doesn't want to hear what they're saying. Its torture, standing there listening to them describe the monster Azula became in her last days a free woman, the monster Ty Lee helped to create, but she feels frozen to the floor, her feet a thousand pounds, far too heavy to move), Azula's fits of anger were something to be feared, not something that reminded her of a petty childhood tantrum. Of course, Azula was not a child any longer, and hadn't been one for years, nearly as long as Ty Lee had known her. It was strange to see Azula actually like she had been over fifteen years ago, but maybe that was to be expected.
"But I can't do it." Azula muttered, bending her head down so that hair falls like a curtain on either side of her face, blocking Ty Lee's view. But Ty Lee knew Azula better than she knew anyone else in the world—better than she even knew herself—and she could hear the tears in her voice. It wasn't a can't that really meant "I don't want to" or "I'm too scared to try." It was a can't that truly and honestly meant she couldn't do it.
"Why?" (But she knows the truth. It's evident from Azula's voice, from Azula being here, from just knowing Azula. Her pride, her upbringing, she can't just ask for forgiveness. For Zuko, it was easy. His mother and uncle were so confident in him, so confident that he would make the right choice, but for Azula, all she's ever had is her father controlling from the time she was born to be someone to do the same.)
The ground suddenly felt as if it were unsteady beneath her feet and she hastily sat down in the nearest seat. It was too much, too much to take in, too much to deal with on only her first visit. She laid her head in one of her hands, the other rested on the table, and she realized, with a soft intake of breath, that it was the closest she'd been to Azula in ten years and maybe, just maybe she could have reached out and covered Azula's hand in her own. (She stares down at the interlocked fingers, because they never, ever hold hands. Sometimes, if Azula feels like it, she'll grab Ty Lee's hand and give it a tight squeeze before letting it drop, and sometimes if Ty Lee feels fearless, she'll grab for Azula's, even though the end result is usually a few scorched fingers, but they don't hold hands. They don't stroll around the gardens, conversing in light and gentle words, their hands laced together, like other couples. Ty Lee's never minded, she knows they aren't like other couples but perhaps the beach does do some of the magical mumbo jumbo Lo and Li were talking about, and perhaps Azula will hold her hand the remainder of the walk back home, and perhaps if she's really lucky, she might be able to weasel out an old Fire Nation story from Azula, and she can pretend for a little while like they're just two normal teenagers.)
But her fingers felt glued to the table and she was scared to touch Azula because she was remembering the last time she'd touched Azula (the muscles are tense under her fisted hands, but she can feel the lax in the them in the split second before she hits the ground) and somehow could not bring herself to touch Azula again just yet.
For a few long minutes it was quiet, Ty Lee having so much to say but not knowing what to say next and Azula lost in her own thoughts.
"I used to have a dream." Ty Lee started, causing Azula's head to rise. "A dream that you would become Firelady, and rule the world during the days and at the nights you would come home… to me."
"I used to have that dream too," Azula admitted. "but then…"
"The Avatar." They said together, each with a soft sigh.
"He's not so bad, once you get to know him." Ty Lee added, again not really meaning to say it out loud. But Azula didn't look upset, and so maybe it wouldn't cause Azula to get angry again.
"I wouldn't doubt it. Though probably too dull for me. After all, Zuzu befriended him. I couldn't think of befriending anyone Zuzu did, unless I arranged the meeting myself."
"They're all really nice. Katara esp—" (At first they're all weary of her, the Water Tribe siblings especially, but Aang smiles at her a lot, and listens to her when she talks and offers to show her a few Airbending tricks that could her with her acrobatics. And Toph, the little one who looks like she'd just be the sweetest thing ever, has punched her twice and tripped her countless times and Zuko tells her that it's a good thing, so when she takes vacations from her Kyoshi training she starts hanging out with them more and more. And then one day Katara grudgingly invites her on a shopping trip, and Sokka asks her advice on what he should get Suki for her birthday and then, suddenly she's being invited to the South Pole to celebrate the three year anniversary of Hakoda being installed as Chief of the South Pole, and Katara's hugging her almost every time she sees her and Toph is shuffling into her room at the end of the day, tears in her eyes over something Sokka has, unknowingly, said that upset her.)
"First you join with the very group we imprisoned then you call the people we hunted by their names. My, my what ten years has done to you."
"They've changed you too… Listen, Azula… I could… I don't have to be back at Kyoshi Island for … for as long as I want, so if…You don't have to do this alone."
"And what exactly do I not have to do alone?"
"Azula… don't you want to leave the hospital? I lived at the palace long enough to know that if you just apolo-"
"No, Ty Lee." Azula snaps, a bit of her old self returning and it sent shivers down her spine, and she wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.
"But-"
"I can't apologize, Ty Lee."
Ty Lee's tears started somewhere at the crack in Azula's voice. They didn't end until late into the night when she finally willed herself to sleep. The desperation in Azula's voice just killed her. "You wouldn't have to apologize! I could help you escape. We could… we could live in some small Earth Kingdom town where nobody knows us or, maybe even we could be pirates and we wouldn't even have to be good and we could get pirate names and…" The desperation in her own voice was evident as well.
"We could grow up." (Well, I think I want to be in the circus. But it'd have to be a circus in the City. I wouldn't want to leave the Palace… Secretly, it's Mai and Azula she wouldn't want to leave. She couldn't picture a life without either of them. How about you Mai?
I don't care. Of course, Mai never cared.
Well, I do. I'm going to be the Firelord. Azula says it proudly, sticking her chest out.
What about Zuko?
He can be my servant.
Azula!!! He's your brother! Your older brother. Shouldn't he be something more royal?
Fine. He can be my royal servant. They break out in raucous laughs, even Mai. Mai you could be my … Royal Advisor.
Great. Mai sighs, though Ty Lee can tell she's glad.
And Ty Lee, you would be my…royal entertainer. They share a smile at the thoughts of the future. Of being royal, and happy and together)
Ty Lee hated the finality in Azula's statement. She wanted to the rip them up, form them into something better. Something with more hope in it.
Suddenly, a nurse popped her head into the room. "I'm sorry, but visiting hours are over. You're going to have to wrap it up."
Ty Lee sighed and looked over at Azula. "I'll come back tomorrow, ok?"
But Azula had turned away, looking out in the bare white walls, at something Ty Lee couldn't see.
"I will be back Azula." Ty Lee stated with more assurance. Azula didn't turn her head, but like so many times before, Ty Lee imagined understanding on the Princess's face.
A/N: So, this baby's been on my computer since February. About half of it was written in the first sitting,and then for the next oh... eight or so months I'd add a little until I sat down and made myself finish this...
I'm not sure if I'm going to continue or not, though I do know what will happen if I choose to continue it. For the moment, I'm happy with it as a oneshot.
Oh, and did you know Ten Years Gone is a song? I didn't. And, I know the real lyircs are "if children don't grow up..." but the first time I heard that song, I didn't hear the if and I like it better that way.
Please tell me how you feel about it!