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Bellamy swung the rifle onto his back with a frustrated sigh. Octavia had been out with Lincoln all day and now the sun was setting and she still hadn't returned. They had made a deal a few weeks ago; Bellamy would loosen up on her during the day, as long as she was back in the camp and safe by nightfall. Truthfully though, his side of the deal had been made easier after they had escaped from Mount Weather, where Octavia had proven herself over and over again to be strong, powerful and fierce, and it was only a matter of time before Bellamy learned to accept that. But that didn't help him now.
Leaving his quarters, he marched angrily through camp, the expression on his face being enough to deter anyone from stopping him to talk. His feet took him to the medical station almost automatically and it wasn't until he had stepped through the door, and Clarke and lifted her head up from the young boy she was tending to, that he realised that he had done exactly what he had been trying to avoid.
It had taken a while, but Bellamy had convinced Clarke to stay in the camp after they returned from Mount Weather. Initially she had promised him a week, but he knew that that was all he would need to convince her to stay for longer, and sure enough it had worked. Her friends had rallied around her, her mother and Kane too, and Bellamy.
The first night back in camp he couldn't sleep, his mind plaguing him with the memories of being captured, treated, confined, and eventually drained, not to mention having to make the decision to irradiate the mountain. So he crawled out of bed in the early hours of the morning, shrugged his jacket back on, laced up his boots and ventured outside. He could see his breath in the crisp air and he felt the cold sting his face as he walked without purpose. It was only through coincidence that he was walking past Clarke's quarters when he heard her whimper. He froze, unsure of what to do, until he heard it again, louder and more panicked this time. He turned the door handle and was surprised to find the door unlocked. He slipped into the room quietly and turned to look at Clarke where she lay, curled into a ball on the bed. It was dark, but as his eyes adjusted he saw that she had kicked the covers off during the night and the long night shirt she was wearing had ridden high up her thigh. Bellamy swallowed, but his attention was snagged by her scared whimpering once more and he took an unsure step towards her. It was strange, they had been through so much together, but he felt uncomfortable here – he wasn't used to seeing Clarke with her guard completely down, it made him feel things that he had been pushing down for months. Suddenly she shot upright, her hands reaching out to grab her bed, anchoring her as she gasped for breath.
'Clarke?' Bellamy asked urgently and her eyes snapped to his before she screamed. The sound chilled the blood in his veins almost as much as the fear in her eyes did, and he took a step back, his hands out with the palms facing her, trying to calm her.
'Bellamy?' She breathed. 'I thought you…' She frowned and he watched her piece together what had happened. 'I'm sorry,' she whispered, 'I had a nightmare.'
'I gathered.' Bellamy said dryly, trying to hide his nervousness. Ducking quickly, he picked her blankets off the floor and dropped them onto her lap.
'Thanks.' She said quietly, tucking her hair behind her ear.
'Do you want to talk about it?' The words were out before he could think properly. He didn't know why he had offered, something about the fear in her eyes, her laboured breathing, her vulnerability had made Bellamy want to stay, want to help. Besides, the grateful look in her eyes stopped him from regretting it.
Clarke cocked her head and looked at Bellamy, a little confusion mixing with the gratitude she was feeling. She trusted the man with her life, but she knew that he wasn't great with feelings or emotions. Still. She nodded her head once, gesturing for Bellamy to sit on the bed as well and he did, after a moment of hesitation.
'I was in the mountain, but you weren't with me, you were on the bed in that room, and they were drilling into you.' Her voice broke and images flashed in front of Bellamy's eyes. Images of the dark room where their friends were held and some of them killed, drilled into for their bone marrow until their body's gave in. He held back a shudder. She sniffed before she continued, holding back her emotions, 'I tried to save you but I couldn't. I was running and running but I couldn't reach you, I could just hear you screaming, and then it stopped.'
Even in the dark room Bellamy could tell that Clarke was crying silently, but his brain had frozen. She's been dreaming about him? She was worried about him dying?
Cautiously, Bellamy stretched out a hand and placed it over Clarke's knee, trying to ignore the feel of her skin under his fingers. 'It's ok,' he murmured, 'I'm fine, I'm right here.'
Clarke took a few breaths, each one steadier than the last, and she felt her cheeks heat up as Bellamy's thumb brushed against her leg lightly, in an act that both comforted her and made her heart feel tighter than before.
She had always thought Bellamy was attractive, truthfully she would have to be blind not to notice, but it took her a while before she began to feel anything for him other than mild irritation. As time passed, she grew to trust and respect him, until finally she had to admit that it turned into more. He saved her life when she fell into the grounder trap, and she had seen a flicker of emotion in his dark brown eyes as he gripped her wrist. Then, when Bellamy hadn't been able to kill Atom she realised that the whole 'I don't give a damn' persona was just that – an act. Next, she had seen the way he had treated Charlotte and for the longest time she couldn't get the image of him as a caring big brother out of her head. But she refused to let the image warp into anything else, for example; Bellamy as a caring father. Finally, when she had closed the drop ship door, convinced that he would die along with the Grounders, Clarke knew she couldn't lie to herself any more – Bellamy wasn't the man who she had thought he was when they had first landed, he was fiercely loyal and protective, he was brave and, on occasion, kind.
So when she had returned to Camp Jaha from the mountain the first time, and she saw him again after weeks of thinking he was dead, she let herself run to him, throw herself in his arms and revel in everything that was Bellamy, to hell with the consequences. She buried her face into his neck and shut out everything else around her, breathing him in. Her skin tingled where it brushed his and as his strong arms came up to wrap around her she couldn't bring herself to regret her feelings at all.
She thought of his face illuminated by the flickering fire as he told her that he didn't blame her for closing the drop ship door. Then later, at Tondc Bellamy had thrown the cup from her hands for fear that she would be poisoned too, and then he threw himself in front of her to protect her from the grounders, and she allowed herself to hope against hope that maybe he had feelings for her too.
But then he had volunteered to enter the mountain, and Lexa was telling her that love was weakness, and everything went wrong, and when they finally escaped again, the blood of hundreds on their hands, she knew that something had changed between them, she just didn't know what.
Bringing herself back into the room they sat in now, Clarke realised that she had been silent for a long time, and Bellamy watching her, his expression unreadable in the darkness. She dropped her hand on top of his where it still rested above her knee, and she thought she saw his head move. She squeezed his hand gently. 'Thank you.'
After a moment Bellamy pulled his hand back from Clarke's leg, missing the warmth of it instantly, and feeling her hand drop away from his. Something about being so close to her, and her being so open, whilst he was having to hold himself back was making him feel claustrophobic.
'You should try and get some more sleep.' He said a little gruffly, walking back over to the door.
'Goodnight Bellamy.' She replied quietly, and his step almost faltered at the sound of his name coming from her lips. He closed the door silently but instead of walking away he leant against it, running his hand through his unruly hair with his eyes closed, trying to steady his pulse.
Despite his every effort to push away his feelings for Clarke, they had done nothing but grow unbearably strong from the day she had stood up to him about rescuing Jasper. 'Only one of us is scared' she had said to him confidently, and he'd had no idea how right she was. He was very scared about how he felt for her. He protected Octavia with his life because she was all he had, and everyone else he had loved had been taken from him. He closed his eyes tighter as his mother's face flashed across his mind. If haw honestly with himself, he was most scared that if he let himself love Clarke, then she would be taken from him too. He had never felt his way about anyone. He was scared that he wouldn't be enough. He was scared that she didn't feel the same way.
He thought back to the look in her eyes when she told him that she was being weak, that he should go into the mountain, and he felt his heart ache. But then he thought of the way she had looked at him as they pulled that lever together, and the way she had looked at him as he had begged her to just come back into the camp with him – as though he was the only person in the world. He dropped his head into his hands desperately, praying that these feelings would go away and her could go back to the way his life was before he had fallen for her.
Clarke listened, her body tense, barely breathing. She knew that Bellamy was just outside her door and she wondered why he hadn't walked away. Her pulse was loud in her ears and her chest felt tight again. Finally, after what seemed like hours, he moved again and she heard his footsteps fade away. She felt like she could breathe again.
Wanting Bellamy like this, and not having him, was slowly going to kill her she was sure.
Clarke's head lifted from the boy on the medical bed in front of her as she heard Bellamy walk in. She knew it was him without looking, but she had to make sure. Since that night, a little over a week ago, when she'd had the nightmare, the two had barely spoken. They were too focused on avoiding each other, unaware of how much it was affecting both the other, and the camp. But now he was here, and he was worried.
'What is it? Are you hurt?' Her voice was worried and she saw the surprise in Bellamy's face before it grew serious again.
'I'm fine,' he said quickly, 'Octavia's not back yet.'
Clarke fought the urge to roll her eyes as she looked back at the young boy in front of her. 'You're all done Daniel,' she said gently, as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed 'come back tomorrow and I'll change that bandage for you, and then in a few days your hand will be as good as new.'
Bellamy swore that he wasn't thinking about how good Clarke was with children as he watched the young boy walk out of the medical station, leaving the two of them alone.
'It's getting dark.' He said gruffly, bringing the conversation back to Octavia before he could be distracted.
'And she's with Lincoln. You remember him right? Big, scary grounder?' She said sarcastically and she saw Bellamy's jaw twitch. Sighing she tried again, gentler this time. 'Bellamy, she'll be fine, really.'
'That's easy enough for you to say, she's not your sister.' Deep down he knew that he was being irrational, but he couldn't help it. Maybe that was why he had come here in the first place.
'No, but she is one of my closest friends, and if I thought she was in danger, I'd be worried too, you're just overreacting, it's not even dark yet.' Bellamy sighed in frustration.
'If she's not back in an hour I'll go look for her with you, okay?' Clarke offered, and Bellamy felt himself relax.
'Fine.' He said, his voice become gruff again and he turned to leave.
'Bellamy, wait.'
He turned back around and raised his eyebrows.
'I just wanted to say thank you, again, for the other night.'
Bellamy looked at her carefully, thinking about the nightmare, and suddenly he realised how tired she was. 'Have you had many others?' He asked, his voice betraying his concern. Clarke wouldn't meet his eyes and he knew he was right to be concerned - she wasn't sleeping.
'I'm fine Bellamy.' She said, her tone pleading with him not to argue with her, and for once he backed down, vowing to come back to it later.
He left the station without a word and Clarke found herself strangely disappointed.
Forty minutes later Octavia strolled back into camp without a care in the world and Clarke watched with amusement from where she sat at a table near the big camp fire as Bellamy marched towards her and they fell into an argument. After a few minutes Octavia shoved Bellamy playfully before wrapping her arms around him and she watched him return the hug in defeat.
She stood, with a small smile playing on her lips, and headed back to the medical station where she needed to take an inventory before Abby took over for the day tomorrow.
Bellamy turned away from Octavia, his anger just for show now, and a flash of gold caught his eye. He watched as Clarke stepped back into the medical station, unaware that Octavia was watching him knowingly.
'Have you told her you're in love with her yet?' She asked casually, grinning when Bellamy whirled back around spluttering slightly. Octavia loved being the only person who could provoke her brother like this, well, her and maybe Clarke now.
'I don't know what you're talking about O.' He said carefully, but he could tell by the look on his sister's face that there was no point denying it. She still knew him better than almost anyone else here. 'It's complicated.' He amended.
'No, Bell, it isn't.' Dismissed Octavia and Bellamy couldn't help but shake his head. Maybe it was different for Octavia, but he and Clarke they were…damaged. 'Just go talk to her, please.' Octavia begged. 'All I want is for you to be happy, and I know that she can do that. You make each other happy.' She said the words slowly, as though she was talking to a child, but Bellamy was too caught up in his thoughts to be annoyed.
For the first time since he entered the mountain Bellamy wondered if O was right. Everything that he and Clarke did was to protect each other and their people, their friends. They trusted each other with their lives, and knew each other better than anyone else on earth. Lying to himself was making him miserable, and seeing Clarke miserable was making him worse. What if she was miserable for the same reasons? Maybe he was done pushing his feeling aside – evidently it was getting him nowhere.
Steeling himself, Bellamy nodded at Octavia, ignoring the slightly smug look on her face, and he followed the path that Clarke had taken, leading straight to the medical station. This time his face held a very different expression, but it still worked wonders at preventing anyone from interrupting him, and within less than a minute he was outside the medical station. He paused for a moment, debating whether to go in when a small sound reached his ears. Clarke was humming, no, she was singing.
Bellamy was taken back to that day, finding Atom's body in the woods, the boy's blind eyes begging him to kill him as he struggled through the pain to utter the words. And then she was there, behind him, then she was kneeling opposite him, next to Atom, gently removing the knife from where it was clenched in Bellamy's shaking hand. As he watched her she started humming, and the sound tugged at Bellamy's heart. He couldn't tear his eyes away from her, so he watched as she hummed a soft, sweet, calming tune, brushing Atom's hair away from his face. Bellamy watched as the boy relaxed under her hands before she pressed the knife into his neck. She continued to hum and stroke his hair as the life drained out of Atom and he took his last breath, and he looked at the woman in front of her, who had done nothing but prove her strength, Bellamy knew that he would never be able to escape his feelings now.
The song she was singing was different to the song that she had hummed, but it was no less beautiful. Her voice was sweet and delicate, and even though he felt a little like he was intruding, Bellamy leaned closer into the door way in order to catch the words.
'Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too...'
Clarke's head snapped up and the next words of the song died on her lips as she heard Bellamy step through the doorway. She blushed immediately, praying that he hadn't heard much of what she was singing. His expression was unreadable and as he walked towards her Clarke's eyes scanned him for any signs of an injury but found none. She cleared her throat awkwardly as he came closer still. 'Bellamy-'
His lips crashed against hers without warning and she felt his body follow afterwards, causing her to step backwards to steady herself. A strong arm wrapped around her waist, steadying her, as his hand came up to cup the side of her face, his fingers threading through her hair.
His lips were surprisingly gentle as they moved around hers and Clarke found that she couldn't think of a single reason why this wasn't exactly right. So she didn't fight it, instead she pressed herself closer to him, gripping the material of his blue shirt in her hands as she deepened the kiss.
Bellamy didn't know what he was thinking, but suddenly the words she was singing rang true. They had built lives for themselves, and those lives revolved around each other, and with time they had become bolder, their relationship had changed along with them. Suddenly everything seemed to become clear right in front of his eyes. His every reason for pushing aside his feelings became completely redundant and he knew that now was the time to be bolder still. So he stepped through the doorway and watched as Clarke caught the rest of the song on the tip of her tongue, her eyes wide with surprise and embarrassment to see him there. But he didn't think about that, instead he closed the distance between them wordlessly, not stopping until he had captured her mouth with his own and she was in his arms. When he felt her deepen the kiss, teasing his tongue with her own he could barely hold in his groan, and when she nibbled on his bottom lip before pulling it into her mouth he gave up trying.
The sound of Bellamy's deep moan sent shivers racing through her whole body and she felt her heart stutter. Bellamy walked her backwards until she was flush against the metal wall of the medical station and then his hand was no longer in her hair, now it was running down the side of her body, gripping her waist as he dipped his head to graze his teeth along her neck, making her shudder. He pressed hot kisses from her neck up to her jaw before reclaiming her mouth and this time it was Clarke who moaned.
After a few more moments of passionate kissing they broke apart but Bellamy wasn't going to let her go far. He dropped his forehead to rest against hers as sighed, his breath fanning across her cheeks, teasing a few strands of her hair.
'I should have done that a long time ago.' He said, his voice rough and Clarke opened her eyes, her pupils hugely dilated, but he could still the beautiful light blue surrounding them.
'Yes, you should have.' Agreed Clarke and he let out a short laugh.
They both knew that they had a dozen reasons why they shouldn't do this, why they were scared of losing someone else they cared about. But for now all that mattered was the feeling of the other one pressed against them, and when Bellamy reached down to entwine their fingers before tugging her out of the medical station and into his quarters, she couldn't think of a single thing to stop her.
It was the early hours of the morning and they were both awake again, but as Clarke shifted on her side so she faced Bellamy, pressing their naked bodies together again and resting her head on his chest, she knew that this was nothing like that night almost three weeks ago when she had woken from her nightmare to find him standing there cautiously.
Neither was it like that night last week when Bellamy had taken her back to his quarters and they had slept together for the first time. Since then they had bared everything to each other, and had found that although they both had the same reasons keeping them from being with the other, they were quick to dismiss each other's. Clarke had argued that there was no world in which Bellamy wouldn't be good enough for her, and Bellamy had argued that there was nothing that would keep him from seeing Clarke as the only person who made him want to be a better person for more than just him and Octavia. Most importantly, they both agreed that they weren't going anywhere, so there was no reason to fear that they would lose each other.
'I would never do that to you.' Bellamy had whispered in between kisses and Clarke had merely rolled them over so that she sat astride Bellamy, leaning down to kiss him in response, telling him everything she wanted to say through that.
Looking at him now Clarke was struck all over again by how beautiful he was and although her fingers itched to draw him exactly as he was now, she settled for reaching for him, running her fingers over his freckles, tracing constellations. His dark eyes slid to hers, as they flickered across his face and he watched her as her fingers danced across his cheekbones, down to his jaw before they traced the outline of his full lips. When she reached the scar on his top lip she lifted herself up enough to press a soft kiss to it, reminding herself to ask him about it later, and Bellamy let his eyes drift closed in contentment.
After a few moment Clarke settled against his side again, drawing the blankets that had bunched around their waists up until it covered her shoulders and Bellamy pressed a soft kiss to her temple sleepily.
They fell asleep to the sound of the other's breathing and they both knew that when they woke the next morning, they would be waking up next to someone they loved.